Citation: Mad Max. "Once Loved but Not Anymore: An Experience with Alprazolam (exp94929)". Erowid.org. Dec 22, 2021. erowid.org/exp/94929
Right after graduating high school, I fell in love with Xanax. I was introduced to it by some of my drug friends, who usually just smoked weed and took the occasional pills. The reason I loved Xanax was because of my shy nature; it made me feel very sociable more so than alcohol did. And, it lasted for hours on me, rather than alcohol which was always short lived for me. The other reason I loved Xanax was that it would mellow out my cannabis highs, so that I wouldnít feel any anxiety associated with the cannabis. I could take one 2mg Xanax bar with my usual amount of weed that I smoked and feel its desired effects working on me. I was so in love with this drug that I was oblivious to its destructive effects.
I was so in love with this drug that I was oblivious to its destructive effects.
Back in 2003, I was starting college, had a great job, and dated the most beautiful woman ever. I felt on top of the world and also invincible because I was having the time of my life. I would go to class and work during the weekdays, and visit my girlfriend and party with my friends on the weekends. I would always look forward to the weekends because that would be the time for me to feel the euphoria and carelessness from Xanax. A typical Friday night or Saturday would be me chilling with my friends drinking beer, smoking weed, and popping 1-2 2mg bars. Over time, my access to all kinds of connections to Xanax grew and it wouldnít be uncommon for me to have 5 or more bars on me each day. I began to use Xanax on some weekdays during school instead of waiting for the weekend, and pretty soon after that, I was using it at work. 2 bars became 3 bars, and 3 bars became 5, and then 6, and so on. My friends got me on to crushing up the bars and snorting them because they would hit me faster. I was naive enough back then that I believed them and pretty soon I would crush up 2 or 3 bars and snort them to feel something. It wasnít long before I was using it everyday, skipping school to party with my drug friends, forgetting my responsibilities (except work), and even forgetting about my girlfriend. This pattern would continue for 2 months. And every week, my dosage of Xanax would increase more and more.
It was getting close to the end of November, and I hadnít been to school in weeks. I had to pop almost 12 bars (24 mg) just to feel that stupid apathy and carelessness from Xanax. Little did I know the danger that I put myself in. I found out one day that my drug friends who I normally got the Xanax from were not able to get them anymore, and all of my other connections had run dry. I thought to myself that this is probably a good sign since I abused them too much and I needed to take a break.
The first day of Xanax abstinence was ok and I didnít notice any bad side effects. However, on the second day of abstinence, I woke up for work in the morning and felt like I was in a dream. My appetite was not as it normally was, and throughout the day I didnít feel hungry at all. When I got to work, I felt almost like a zombie, without any thought or care in my mind. When my supervisor told me to look for serial numbers on the old computers that our company was sending back to Dell, I stood around in the closet where the old computers were in a stupor wondering why I couldnít remember what a serial number looked like. The next day, the third day, was the worst. I continued to experience the same problems such as loss of appetite and continuous stupor. The night before I sweated profusely in my sleep, and on the third day I was sweating profusely too, even though the AC was on full blast at work throughout the entire building. Close to 4:30pm, I was standing in my supervisorís office talking to her about the serial numbers on the old leased computers, and then suddenly everything went black.
I woke up in what seemed like hours, but was actually minutes, and I was on the floor vomiting all over myself and the floor. Two paramedic guys were lifting me up so I wouldnít choke on my vomit, and when I finished, they helped me up onto a stretcher and wheeled me out of the office. I was so dazed and confused and could only make out some of what the paramedics were talking about. When they wheeled me outside the building, I felt the air blowing against my face before they loaded me into the ambulance. The ride to the hospital was not very long, since it was pretty much just down the street. The paramedics brought me inside the hospital on the stretcher and to an ER doctor. At this point, I donít remember anything, and I believe that I just passed out.
When I came to, I saw my dad next to me with the most worried look I had ever seen on his face. I managed to ask him what happened, and my dad told me what the doctor revealed to him. The doctor said that I had experienced a grand mal seizure because I was withdrawing from a large amount of Xanax. He also said that I was lucky, because the seizure could have killed me. It appears that my supervisor witnessed me falling to the ground after talking to her and hitting my head on a desk and a wooden chair before hitting the ground. At that point, I began to convulse uncontrollably and this prompted her to call 911. The doctor told my dad that grand mal seizures can happen to people who withdraw from Xanax without weaning off their usual dose. It is more common in individuals who are dependent on 4mg or more of Xanax. This would make sense, sense I was abusing Xanax every day for 2-3 months at doses that really exceeded 4mg. I was kept at the hospital the entire day, and two of my non-drug friends came by to visit me. They told me how scared they were to hear what happened to me and asked me to never touch Xanax again. I felt like they were right and itís what I needed to do. I stayed at the hospital until I was released at about 2 AM since I was showing significant improvements. I went home with instructions on care and a new grave understanding of Xanax. Not only that, but I had to withdraw from the university I was attending and my girlfriend didnít want anything to do with me anymore. That really hurt.
After the grand mal seizure, I never really felt the same like I did before. I felt more prone to depression. I stayed away from Xanax for quite a while after that, only smoking weed and drinking beer and liquor. But my family and friendsí pleas to stop Xanax use would disappear from my mind. Eventually, I hooked back up with my drug friends but only used bars once or twice a month. It wasnít until I met this dude at my community college that my Xanax use blew up. This guy was just like me; he was really into Xanax and could get them all the time. Pretty soon, I was skipping classes again to get fucked up on bars. But, I always kept the memory, no matter how hazy it was, of the time that I had a grand mal seizure because I couldnít control my use. So, I made myself not use everyday, at maybe a maximum of 3 days a week, spaced out of course. I thought that I finally was in control, but I just believed that because of the sweet apathy from Xanax.
I made myself not use everyday, at maybe a maximum of 3 days a week, spaced out of course. I thought that I finally was in control, but I just believed that because of the sweet apathy from Xanax.
That dude I met was able to get it by the prescription bottle and weíre talking about multiple bottles, so I blew most of the money I had to obtain those bottles. Eventually, that guy left the state, but I was still able to find more Xanax from other drug friends I had. The addiction had crept up on me again. I knew that I didnít want to use too much Xanax because I wanted to avoid those horrible withdrawals that happened to me before. So, the sweet apathy from the drug made me believe that by combining liquor with Xanax, I would experience increased euphoria without having to pop so many pills. And it actually worked out for a little while, until I would blackout almost every time I used. This eventually led me to rehab.
I swore off Xanax again after being in rehab and getting out. But I ran into it again and the temptation overwhelmed me, since I missed that sweet apathetic euphoria. It didnít matter that it almost killed me before. I just wanted to feel that invincible feeling that made me so sociable, relaxed, careless, and euphoric. Thankfully, this time I didnít have as many connections as I did in the past. It was a lot harder for me to get Xanax for some reason. So I used it occasionally with beer or liquor and weed. One day I decided to move closer to my family, since I was living in a different city and I was close to all my drug friends. I wanted to go back to college because Xanax had ruined my interest in academics and life in general. But even after moving to a different city and starting up school again, I once again found Xanax. But this time, I wasnít using during school, since I was on summer break. It felt great to have that sociable, careless, and relaxed euphoria pouring over me when I took them with weed. But something was different this time. A feeling of guilt came over me, that I wasnít doing what I was supposed to be doing which was staying away from it. I was much older at this point in my life and reflecting back on my young life, I could see how I had fucked up so many opportunities for me just because I liked the feeling from Xanax too much. I was back in college and I didnít want to do that again; I didnít want to make the people around me suffer again for the stupid decisions that I made. So, I decided to quit for good.
I could finally see how worthless it was to gamble everything away to feel the sweet apathy from Xanax. I could see how I was associating with these shady people who didnít care about me. And with that, I didnít use it again. I continued to smoke weed and drink alcohol occasionally, but it was a hell of a lot better than continuing to use Xanax. Maybe for some people, it was never a problem. But for me, I loved it so much that it consumed my life and if I let it, Xanax would have destroyed me. It almost did. But ever since I stopped using for good, good things have happened for me. I donít have to worry about being short on money, I donít have to worry about not remembering anything, I have a great job, and I almost have my bachelorís degree. Itís been a few years since I have used it, and I am thankful that I donít obsess about it anymore.
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