Over a Decade Has Flashed By...
Citation: lostgrl. "Over a Decade Has Flashed By...: An Experience with Opioids - Hydrocodone, Oxycodone & Codeine (exp95117)". Erowid.org. Mar 18, 2016. erowid.org/exp/95117
I was young with 2 young children of my own... My son's father and I were facing some problems as every couple does except he had a drug addiction that would keep him from even coming home at night. Alone 90% of the time with my sons, I just made the best of it, continued to work and be the best mom I could be.
Then one day and I cannot even remember how I ended up being offered it, but I ended up taking like a norco or something very similar. I remember not hurting anymore physically OR emotionally, it was nice to have that break from hurting on the inside, kinda made me numb feeling and I felt everthing was okay, even when my bf wasn't around or we were fighting etc. Once I 'came down' I didn't put much thought into it and continued everyday life as norm.
Then something happened, I don't even remember what, but it was very upsetting to me and I remembered how I felt after taking that one pain pill. I had some at that time, so I took one and sure enough my problems melted away and I could handle whatever was thrown at me in a positive loving way. Little did I know that these 'feelings of escape' I was experiencing under the influence, was the pathway to my own personal HELL! Eventually I was finding myself waking up in the mornings wondering how I was gonna get more. It started out as just an occasional 'escape' and then became an obsession.
I remember waking up in the morning and the first thought was 'do I have any for today' and if so I jumped right outta bed with a great attitude ready to face whatever challenges came my way with my trusty little delicious pills in my pocket as if part of my wardrobe. If I did not have any, my first thought wasn't really a thought but more of a heavy feeling in my heart and tummy like ' F###! how am I gonna make it through today, how can I get more?' I always went to work with or w/out my 'elixir' but my absolute goal was how I was gonna get my hands on those wonderful little drug candies. I racked myself up quite a hefty amount of bills from ER etc. (which I still am paying on) Then I found myself a doctor that either believed me about some 'fake' pain, or didn't care, and POOF I had found myself an easy way to get my wonderful little candies, in fact a month supply EVERY month, and I only had to go in to see him twice a year! I had found a way to get norco 10's AND soma and was able to take them every day! It was amazing, I was so happy, and becoming a single mother didn't bother me at all cuz in my mind I wasn't really alone, I had my precious pills and my sons and that's all I needed and wanted in life. As long as I had my pills, I was happy and nothing and nobody could bring me down.
It didn't take long before I realized I was totally addicted! It came to a point that if I was out I didn't even wanna get outta bed and deal wth anything, but of course for my kids I did, but I cannot imagine I was a very pleasant person to be around. Couple years passed and I ended up getting married, by then it was more than obvious that I had a problem that I needed help with. I was terrified going cold turkey, so for the 1st time in my life I opened up to someone and told them about my addiction. I told my husband (at the time), wrote him a letter pouring my heart out about it all and begged him for help. I guess he didn't take me seriously or maybe just didn't care enough to be bothered by it, so he disregarded it all and there I was again standing on my own with this burden I wanted so desperately to be rid of. I decided then that it would have to be up to me, I would have to dig in deep and pull out as much will power as I could. I didn't quit, but I did slow down A LOT. Went from taking about 20 pills a day to about 10, but I was still sooo deep in my hell.
Years passed and I continued this disgusting addiction, I was terrified to get off of them. Scared of the withdrawals and just how things would be and seem once I was sober, it had become such a regular routine in my life, it was part of getting ready in the mornings, part of my work day, part of lunch, part of my evening and part of my bedtime EVERYDAY! Next thing I knew, it was 10 years later... A F###*** DECADE!!! I had met a wonderful man (my husband now) we became great friends first, and things blossomed beautifuly into marriage. I decided I was gonna quit, I truly wanted to! I was happy and I really wanted the pills out of my life. I had been out for a few days which was okay because by this time I had stronger will power, and more self discipline. I was supposed to be getting more from a friend one day which I felt pretty excited about given that I had been out for few days. Well we decided (me hubby kids) to go for a walk in the foothills and have a picnic etc. It was a gorgeous day and I was feeling happy and content and excited to be feeling this way w/out pills. I decided right then and there that is was time, that I could do it, I could finally after all these years be free from this restriction, this poison.
This very same day, not 10 min after making that decision with myself did I slip and break my ankle, and I mean BAD! Had to have surgery and everything, so it goes w/out saying I was gonna be back on the pills, and for awhile. It was hard too because since my body was so used to them, they had to give me something super strong, and it still didn't take the pain away completely. Even after all that, I still wanted off and was gonna try as soon as I was healed but by that time, someone very close to me ended up getting pretty much a lifetime supply, so now if I want, I have major access to some major pain med and not just of one kind. I find it so ironic that once I decided to quit, all this BS would happen, I mean I may as well have a key to a pharmacy, that's how available they are to me. I am sick of pills, they are disgusting and I disgust myself when taking them! I do not even get the 'high' from them anymore, my body is too used to them.
I do not even get the 'high' from them anymore, my body is too used to them.
Now I take them to just feel 'normal.' I mean I can function w/out them, but it is hard to find the energy and patience and love I need to do so. I struggle EVERY DAY and on the days I am doing good and trying not to take any, I end up getting behind a Norco truck or something will pop up on my computer about getting prescriptions filled, something always seems to trigger that want. AHHHHHH IT'S SO HARD....SOOOOOOOOOOO HARD! I have told my husband I struggled with it in past, but he thinks it all remains in the past.
I AM A WIFE - I AM A MOTHER - I AM A LIAR - I AM AN ADDICT! (and i am still lost)
I DO NOT RECOMMEND TAKING PAIN PILLS AT ALL ESPECIALLY FOR FUN! I had NO intentions on getting hooked, and here it is 11 yrs later, and I have done nothing but ADD to my struggle and pain in life, and EVERY DAY I silently suffer with a smile on my face to hide it from others... I BEG YOU TO THINK TWICE BEFORE OPENING A DOOR YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT'S BEHIND...Sometimes those doors refuse to shut...
Much love to you all, and may you find love and peace within yourself and others...sober... ;)
P.S and I could sure use positive thoughts my way about getting and staying off, if you don't mind throwing some out there for me ;)
[Reported Substance / Dose: 'norco vicodin T3 oxy soma perc / the higher dose the better']
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