Citation: mogwai. "There Is No I and Fear of the Ilusion: An Experience with 4-AcO-DMT, Methoxetamine & Lamotrigine (exp95453)". Erowid.org. Feb 11, 2021. erowid.org/exp/95453
First off I am not very experienced with psychedelic drugs. The week prior to this trip I had tried a low dose of 4-AcO-DMT, 10mg, which gave me some pretty cool OEVs with plants and trees outside.
I decided to take 25mg of 4-AcO-DMT and 30mg of MXE this time to experience more of a spiritual awakening. I have minimally practiced meditating but consider myself to be a very relaxed individual anyway, although I am diagnosed as Bipolar II and take 200mg of Lamictal every day. I have had some social anxiety in the past, but more recently have just had low energy.
The setting was a beautiful arboretum with a lake and fields of grass surrounded by various types of trees, plants and animals. Mildly warm weather, and only slightly cloudy. This seemed to be a perfect time and place to trip. The only issue I think was that I was by myself and therefore unable to talk to a friend, even one who was tripping themselves.
At 4:00pm I took 1mg of Ativan and started drinking a bottle of water that had the 4-AcO-DMT and MXE mixed in. I reached my destination at 4:20 and had just finished off the bottle. The next step was to grab my headphones and lay back on the field while listening to Tool’s Lateralus.
Waves of energy began to come over my body just as I put on the headphones. My mood was lifted and the experience of being in nature and seeing the trees stretch and wave their branches towards and away from my in a 3D fashion was amazing. I closed my eyes and began to breath deeply and sink into the music and the experience. The CEVs at this point were amazing, I was seeing fractals and at one point was looking at a landscape from above that was being extruded toward and away from me at various moments. I can only describe this as looking like the surface of the Earth became stairs that I could jump on from above and eventually reach the bottom.
Within about an hour of starting though, I decided to take off the headphones and ground myself in reality for a minute. I was having some very deep thoughts and revelations that I wanted to type down to remember for later. This is where I wish I had just stayed in the music and not moved. Below is what I wrote from 5:00pm to about 6:30pm.
Now I understand what people mean when they said there is no I. If you will indulge me for a minute and allow my use of I and You and We in order to understand this piece.
The earth is an ecosystem of matter, energy, cells gathered together to form bags in a sense. Think about single celled organisms. Its difficult for us to undesand them for what they are because we try to impart our own idea of self onto them. In reality a cell is simply a collection of matter, you know, potassium, calcium, that whole periodic table and shit. We are similarly a bag of cells. A single celled organism has no intents or purposes. My professor challenged us as a class to think for a moment about ourselves as a bag of cells and everyone sort of chuckled as if it was sort of a crazy idea. But that’s what we are. Simply a bag of cells. There is nothing in this universe but that. This whole notion of I is completely wrong. There just is. When under the influence of illicit substances I know that I will be able to return to ‘normalcy’ at some point. That is clear. But what they do is allow me to step outside of myself and see the universe for what it really is. A collection of cells which in themselves are collections of elements which are themselves just collections of protons and neutrons and electrons and so on and so forth. The universe is what is. There is no I. Stating that we are bags of cells doesn’t do it justification. I know it questions all notions of what is right and what is wrong in our actions toword others but we all just need to let go and realize that we are nothing more than just elements, no, energy at its deepest level. Ashes to Ashes; Dust to Dust doesn’t even come close. To want to state that I somehow ‘am’ is just totally and completely wrong. Why do we think that drugs work in the first place, its just molecules of various substances, that are themselves just forms of energy I might add, interacting with what we call the brain or the body which itself is a collection of cells bumping into or somehow modifying one another. This can seem very, very hard on one level because we hardly ever think about this. Fortunately we are given the opportunity to examine, and think, and observe, and love, and cherish, and understand. Language itself is an amazing outgrowth of what cells are capable of doing when coming together. We have entire branches of study concerned with these things. Animal science, food science, and so on. Understanding and observing the various portions of the body and creatures and insects and plants all around us. But even deeper than that is just cells moving about doing what cells do. They have no motives. They’re just ‘bags’ of ions and other particles.
All these ideas of want and needs completely fade away when coming to the understanding that we just are. For people going about their normal every day life concerning themselves with business and relationships and romance and intrigue to hearing ideas that we are “one with the universe” and observing buddist monks up in the himilayyas as if they are crazy people, are the ones who are crazy. They have bought into the idea that any of this matters. We are not here to serve a purpose. There is no particular reason for us to be here.
Even the idea that when we’re on drugs and it will “pass’ is wrong. There is no passing. We are bags of cells that either work together or don’t. That’s not to say that life isnt important because it is. Very much so. One major source of fear in individuals is…
I forgot what I was going to say, but then I forgot what I was going to say this is hilarious I see trailing and trailing ideas. I've totally come to accept death thayts hahahhahahaha what a complately joke. We are gifted with the ability and the knowledge to do these incredible things like observing, etc. Being at peace with how things are is great. That’s what settles us in knowing. Coming to the realization that there is no I. Holy shit. Its really hard to let go isnt it
Its important to separate out social existance and living from the understanding that we are one with the universe. There still are things like love and happiness. This is awesome this what people talk about their whole lives, their whole lives culminate in understanding that death is inevitable and the collection of cells that make up our body in this instant will fade away to how they were before we were born.
I'm having a complete and total spiritual awakening. I don’t fear death anymore. I always thought that was saved for old people that they just came to realize over their years.
Again separate us and life from examining the universe and so on and so forth.. Let go. It really is that. Just let go and be ok with excityesmntvr in hrmrtsl iy id do hof fs,mrf jstf I drr dyrpd poiny foen snf I'm jsvomh s trs;;u jstf yomr dyioppinh yhinkinhj souy yhinhd in mu lir yjsy vomvrtninh
Being okay with evertjhing and understanding wjhatn we are
Its important to separate because we are able to undetstand and appreciate the world around us. Challenging our ego is one of the hardest things to d
I don’t think ill ever ned to take a drug again this has completely shattered my notion of self. I don’t think theres a way to explain this other a spiritual awakening. Challenging ego and depression is really really difficult. That’s why people are depressed and anxious is because we fear and so on. But just undetsanding that we are one with te universe and coming toand just I've been trapped this whole time in thinking that this is life is hurting me pushing me down and so on. Its so hard to separate life from and fear and anxiety/. Just realxing and undetsandtryuthing I've come to know about NNEED and WANT from things. HOLY FUCKING SHIT. This goes beyond anything. Undetstand and being okday with the fact that drugs
Its really hard to separate these ouit. But I am just thrilled soo thrilled that I'm coming to this realization that things are just an ilusion and none of this matters at all. Just realax and stop tryig to comparat and anaylize that what all of life is. Its just comaraing and analyuzing this. We are depressed and anxious because
I'm having a spiritual awakening
We talk about smartt people as if they are better somehow . Ma ny crazy people in fact have a difficult time. I'm confusing the two two ything
Returning to what I call which just
Channelging ,my ego and sense pf self soooow fucking hard but now I just this is all an illusion. We live our entie lives fearing and hoping
This is fucing awesome. I just have a really hard time conta
It has com[plately and totally challenged me sense of self and ego and personalityl nI am the one who has all of these craxy nothing there is no coming out of it.
Having a tough time separating out out and being challenged. Fears and desires and so on. Being uplifted this is really, really hard to undetsand none of this shit matterts that is sooo cool. Challenging wants and desires, fear about things and so on ou aout of depressions is coming to terms with the fact that this entire entire thing is an illusion. Holy shiot. Part of me fears that because that’s challenging eing. Omg this just relaxing and understanding that I am one with the universe and thing I do to help peple are imporyant this is what lifts yo
I've necver felt happier.
This is cool fucking cool. This is what life is about
Omg mental disorders are just
This is totally life changing for me. I finally understand what depression and anxiety and fears are. Its just really really hard to separate out who WE . WE is just an illusion. Fears and paranoia just slip away. I am on a drug right now that will [ass. Omg this is what is challenging..
Fuck this is really hard to come to terms with
Challenging me sense of self
I just have to eep holding on
Its totally distroying my ego
I have to just not care anymore
Be okay with everything around us
Paranoia, anxiety, and so on just don’t matter tese are mental illusion
What I was trying to explain above is that all of our material wants and desires are just an illusion, a projection of what our brain was built to do, to perceive and analyze and critique. Discovering our true selves, and reaching happiness is just letting go and realizing this is all an illusion. Ordinary people who occupy themselves with useless and petty things have bought into the illusion. Challenging this illusion is incredibly difficult. I wanted to just let go, and indeed should have. But my body and sense of ego fought back, and fought back hard. It was both a scary realization and a thrilling one at the same time.
Eventually I thought that unless I was able to relax and not care about this illusion around me, I was going to die. The more difficult it became to relax the worse my fear of going nuts. I stood up and looked for someone that I could ask for help. Because this was an illusion, I decided to leave behind all of my belongings including my wallet, keys, backpack and laptop. I only had my cell phone. There was a couple walking nearby in their late 20s with a dog that seemed pretty chill. I told them I was having an anxiety attack and asked if they could take me to the hospital. They obliged and we began walking to their car. At several points along the way I was thinking “You need to just stop walking because this is all an illusion, and by continuing to walk you are putting yourself deeper an deeper into the illusion and will never be able to experience the true nature of self. “ I stopped and they would look back at me and tell me to keep walking so I did. In the car they were very nice and told me that they too had been where I was before, and were taking medication and stuff. I told them I was really glad to have found them.
I checked into the hospital and they did an EKG. While I was laying in the hospital bed I was convinced that now I was going to die because that’s what people do when they go to the hospital. In reality it was just a bad trip. I was convinced that simply ‘needing’ and ‘wanting’ help was pulling me further into death because I was unable to relax and enter through the true nature of the world. The nurses put me on Ativan until the trip was over.
The nurses put me on Ativan until the trip was over.
Three hours after being admitted I called a friend and had him pick me up.
Overall this was an enlightening but pretty scary experience towards the end. I think had I had a sitter this would have all turned out differently and would have been a pleasant and potentially life altering. I will quit taking psychedelics for quite a while, perhaps a couple of years, but will continue to practice meditation until I reach a point where I think I will be more capable of handling what is thrown at me. Having a sitter is a must too, until I get more experienced.
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