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I Thought Am I Alive or Dead
by S
Citation:   S. "I Thought Am I Alive or Dead: An Experience with DMT (exp95684)". Erowid.org. Dec 4, 2017. erowid.org/exp/95684

30 mg smoked DMT
I had been researching DMT for a few months now. I became very intrigued by the stories I have heard and was eager to try it but didn't think it would happen in the near future because it's hard to find. My experience happened only two days ago very unexpectedly. I was hanging out with a group of friends when our friend mentioned he had some. I knew I couldn't pass this up but an immediate sense of fear swept over me and I wondered 'Am I ready for this?'

Before I get into the actual experience I'd like to tell you a few things about myself. I had recently been through some trauma within the last few years that had led me to develop some anxiety. I don't have bad anxiety by any means and it hardly affects my life, but I do sometimes tend to get paranoid in different situations and have noticed some changes in my personality. Because of this I always become apprehensive right before tripping because I tend to 'think' too much and have had a few bad trips. On to the experience.

There were about 6 of us in the apartment. It all happened so fast. There was no time to prepare. My friend and I decided to do it alone in her bedroom to be in a calm comfortable environment. We closed the door so that no one else would come in. I took my first hit and held it in for about 10 seconds. Within 2 seconds I was tripping.
I took my first hit and held it in for about 10 seconds. Within 2 seconds I was tripping.
I took one more hit that I can hardly remember, the last thing I saw was my dog . I opened my eyes one more time before being taken away to see colorful 3 dimensional triangles and squiggly lines...kind of like a native American rug or painting...bright blues, orange, yellow, white, green.

I closed my eyes and that's when the fear set it. I was being taken through a black hole. I could feel myself leaving my body. There was nothing...I can't even describe the feeling. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. I then ended up in a pitch black room. My body didn't even exist, it was just my thoughts, but I felt as if I was crawling reaching for anything to touch or feel, but there was nothing. I was echoing, 'omg what happened to me'. 'I know I did something to myself but what did I do'. 'am I dying'. I thought for sure that was the end. It had a feeling of the end...how can there be anything after that? Then the scariest part... I saw images of blood. I saw myself laying there with blood on my legs, on my feet and stomach...I kept yelling 'am I bleeding!?' that's when I heard my friends voice and suddenly I came rushing back into reality. Her calming voice told me that I was ok. I open my eyes.

It was beautiful, she was beautiful, the room was beautiful. There was an orange-skin like look on everything. Everything was so bright and flowing at the same time...everything was flowing beautifully. It reminded me of a willow tree. I felt at peace like I had just been reborn. I was warm inside and felt a huge sensation of love.

Two days later I find myself questioning my experience. Especially the darkness and death. I feel like the experience was telling me to let go. I made it past dying into a beautiful world in my trip. Maybe it was telling me to let go so that I can experience the wonders this life has to offer. My experience was an eye opener to say the least.

Exp Year: 2012ExpID: 95684
Gender: Female 
Age at time of experience: 27
Published: Dec 4, 2017Views: 2,226
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DMT (18) : First Times (2), Difficult Experiences (5), Small Group (2-9) (17)

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