Citation: provocateur. "Kind of a Let Down but With Visuals: An Experience with Ketamine (exp96016)". Erowid.org. Feb 17, 2018. erowid.org/exp/96016
||(powder / crystals)
I like to consider myself some sort of eager-eyed psychonaut, dabbling in various states of mind, pursuing new experiences that make me critically rethink my norm. This doesn't necessarily mean psychoactives (simply taking a walk to a new part of town can count), but of course we're all here for vicarious fun and maybe good information on drugs, and so, drugs.
I would consider myself and experienced drug user in that the anxiety I face before trying a new drug is laced with the confidence that I can handle myself in seriously debilitated states of mind. I've been smoking weed for a while yadda yadda shrooms LSD, LSA (about which I will write an experience sometime, amazing singular experience), 2C-I, MDMA, speed, oxy, valium, and more you get the idea. Real adventurous type. Anyway, with ketamine my worries were assuaged pretty much completely because I had been intimate (and still am, bless its crystal heart) with Methoxetamine, a ketamine analog which is absolutely amazing and recreational and light and cheerful and blow my lid hallucinogenic when mixed with the right things. So, no real worries going in. I was expecting something fun like mxe, especially since I had always heard of it in the dance and rave contexts.
I was at my friend E's grandparent's house (they were gone and had left him the keys) and we were gonna try the ketamine recently procured. We cut it into two equal lines to the best of our ability and blew it. (I should note here that I frankly do not remember the dosage, but E had measured it beforehand and I trust his research. [Author estimates they ingested approximately 60 mg]. Also I can't remark on the timescale of this experience very well, but I'll try) I remember it being harsh, but not crushed up pill harsh. Definitely not mxe, which is smooth and painless.
So E and I are into the whole chill, stationary trip today (it's raining) and so we put on some Explosions in the Sky and I lie down on the lushly carpeted floor and he's on the couch and we're basically discussing how we're not feeling much at all. Then I start to feel something, that something I always feel when I'm trying a new drug and I wonder 'am I feeling something' for a while and then suddenly I have to realise 'yes, why yes I am'.
I close my eyes. I usually get closed eye visuals, even sober, so I'm not surprised to see wisps purple and blue barely visible in that way the visuals are when I walk out into a really bright place and I close and rub your eyes. The music is beautiful, but starting to get a little grating, which is strange because I love Explosions. I'm starting to feel a little anxious, my body is getting a little shimmery but in an unpleasant way, like every single part of me is pressed against a car window on the highway, vibrating slightly. The colors behind my eyes are still shapeless and amorphic, and the music's building, and I realize breathing is taking effort. In fact, it's needing effort. But not really of course, that's all in my head, just off to a rocky start is all-
I open my eyes and look around. The world looks the same except for a shimmeryness which is probably related to the previous body-shimmery feeling, and despite everything looking completely normal, I have a decidedly un-sober understanding of the chairs and couch (E's got his eyes closed). I decide I'm ok, enough with the trouble breathing and lay back down and close my eyes.
Here again my body is still feeling wierder and wierder in the same vein, i.e. vibrating in an unpleasant way. I try to clear my thoughts and test the edges of my perception, the way my senses are seeming to knit together (an excersize which is very fruitful on mxe, which at high doses sometimes separates the senses so that my percieved reality isn't continuous like it normally is). I can't concentrate on this project though because I'm uncomfortable and I worry that maybe I am having trouble breathing (which I now realize has been really shallow and maybe because ketamine is an anaesthetic or something I've made my breathing shallow and could something something something something...) and I'm forcing my breathing and thinking I am just uncomfortable here.
So I change my environment bathroom-wise, sight now shimmering like my bodysense. I feel frail and confused, but I get to the bathroom alright (obviously) and sit myself down on the toilet across from the mirror, recognize myself, and try to poop. It's impossible, but I still sit there for 7 minutes. I know this because as I left the carpet, Saeglopur by Sigur Ros started playing, and as I left the bathroom, it ended. E was sitting up and asked me if I was alright, which I was.
We talk about it a bit and I sit on the chair and close my eyes. I'm much more comfortable now and can just let myself go and watch that beauteous neruonal dance the drug has conjured up for me. Unlike on some other drugs, everything was in a blue or purple, and the visuals were less definite shapes than flows of color, with vortexes and spins. Then comes the most interesting part of ketamine for me (which may be the only interesting part of ketamine or this entire post). My visuals start to take on space, as in a palpable space similar in front of my eyes even though they are closed. The visuals now start to have more of a shape, and I see a big giant flying turtle-like-sort-of-thing with a city on its back lift off from the ground (all in the same grainy blue and purple as before). Now I become interested in this feeling of space, so I start moving my hands around the arms of the chair, feeling them out and getting a sense of their distance from me. And that's when something really cool happens: I feel both the space of the real world, where I am, with the layout of the room and E and everything, and the space of my visuals, which is empty and yawning deep. So I explore this a bit, and then come down eventually. I do know that this all took place in roughly the span of an hour.
If you've read this far into the post, you're probably feeling kinda like I did after my first (and only) ketamine experience: slightly let down, slightly confused as to the point of it all, wondering why you've wasted that small amount of time. As far as recommendations go, I can't really give any, because I don't feel I experienced any of what is usually promised for ketamine. I don't know if it was a bad batch (procured from the silk road) or if my chemistry is just not right for it (though E has doubled my feelings). What I can say is that everything that was promised me of ketamine, short of a k-hole, can be achieved much better in mxe, probably for cheaper, and definitely more social. That being said, the ability to be conscious of two full spaces at once is really interesting and makes me wonder just what spacial awareness is at all. Other than that idle musing, using ketamine really just made me wanna mix out more.
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