DOSE:

1 g

insufflated

Heroin

(daily)

BODY WEIGHT:

160 lb

I guess I'm writing this for a catharsis,some kind of closure where none really exists. I sit here now, clean from dope for only two weeks and all I can say is that the loneliness I feel is crushing and pulling so hard I can barely get up and walk. Loneliness for friends lost, relationships ignored, opportunity lost, it even pulled my soul mate away from me right under my nose.

My opiate use came on slowly and deceivingly as usual. I remember being 13 or so and snatching a vicodin for a headache from the family medicine cabinet. From then on it was pure love. I didnt become addicted until I was 18, but I spent most of my youth in high school finding out ways to score harder opiates, get more money, and just sitting around for days at a time daydreaming of the time I would be re-united with my one true love, .opiates.

At age 18 two distinct things happend that changed my life for good. First, I became very close with the love of my life, lets call her M. And second is that I got the number. THE number, the one of the dealer with the best shit who is on 24/7. From then on I had the golden ticket for dope. The next two years are blurry, but yet so clear in the same way. My days consisted of getting up, calling my girlfriend, calling my dude, and then scoring dope. As a matter of fact many times a day I would drive to Cleveland and back to Akron (about 45 min each way). Me and my girl would only snort it, and we both convinced ourselves that we had the addiction at bay, but of course we were so wrong.

Life became hell after the physical addiction set in hard. Hysterical crying and fighting became a daily reality of sickness between my significant other and myself. Lies starting flowing and growing out of control from both of us. She was upset that I had gotten us into the heroin lifestyle, and rightfully so. I was pissed that she was going places at night and not telling me, starting to use her bitterness towards heroin and our relationship to fuel her lies and cheating. After almost two years of living the dope life together as two people in love, it all finally came tumbling down. I caught her with another man, who also happend to be my old best friend.

At that point I began IV use, because I believe I wanted to die but just couldnt find the strength to pull the trigger of a gun against my head. After that my addiction became something so big and monstrous that even I couldnt see it for what it was. Every day I had to wake up and face the bone crushing, gut churning, brain on fire sickness of a heavy IV dope habit, along with the heartbreak of knowing that I had let the love of my life leave me and on top of that I had addicted her as well. It was so much hurt I couldnt bear to face it in any direct way. So my entire being became about finding the dope and shooting as much of it as I humanly could, as often as I possibly could. I did despicable things, I stole everything out of my parents house of worth, I would con people into rides downtown and have no way back, I would frequently walk the streets of east Cleveland day and night in a half-dead heroin haze of apathy and dulled pain. My arms were bloody and bruised, as was my entire psyche. I gave up everything I own for the dope, my car, my money, my family, myself, and even the best girl I have ever known, the one I wanted to marry. All gone in a split second.

A few days after my 21st birthday I was finally forced into detox where I was locked up for a week and went through the most hellish detox I have ever experienced. If I could have jumped off the roof, I probably would have at that point. Luckily I have family who loves me and kept me from that horrible death of a dopehead on the streets. So here I am now, 21 and I have to start all over and I can barely find the motivation to pull myself out of bed in the morning. I did things that people wouldnt believe for dope.

Anyways, I just had to get this off my chest. There are so many more details and so much more pain than can be possibly put into this text. Just know that I am a proud atheist, a proud psychonaut and I still believe that the drug war is insane and not right in any way at all. This is not a story to make someone abstain from opiates, they are one of the best feelings I have obtained in this life, but they also drained every ounce of happiness and energy from me at the same time. Be safe and be smart everyone--peace

Exp Year: 2009-2012	ExpID: 96361
Gender: Male
Age at time of experience: 21
Published: Aug 19, 2020	Views: 743
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Heroin (27) : Small Group (2-9) (17), Personal Preparation (45), Addiction & Habituation (10), Retrospective / Summary (11)