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Finding my Identity
MDMA (Ecstasy)
by Respondent 29 / Leonardo
From Ecstasy.org Collection
Citation:   Respondent 29 / Leonardo. "Finding my Identity: An Experience with MDMA (Ecstasy) (exp97006)". Erowid.org. Jul 23, 2012. erowid.org/exp/97006

 
DOSE:
  oral MDMA


What cannabis does for me is offer a separation from a certain reality...the reality that conditions itself upon me as a result of everything I have experienced and am experiencing. I can then contemplate other realities, wavelengths, beats, focal points, spiritual planes, languages... anything that channels energy from the abstract to the concrete. I open myself up to the balance of death/life, 0/1, feeling/thought, lunacy/enlightenment... in essence creating a duality in Everything for the sole purpose of re-integrating it.

I reflect on how one can find/lose oneself in the abstract or in the concrete.. being pulled into one direction while neglecting the other. Depending on my perspective towards the experience while I indulge in it, I adjust the way I live my life when I am more focused. I also adjust how much I 'focus'.. how much I grasp from the seemingly infinite knowledge that the world communicates with and establishes as a
conceptual base for reality. Complementing the focus, I also open myself to new beginnings, greater breadth, generalization and interpretation of what the focus in my life has brought. I think about how a certain viewpoint, a determined focus, an inertial reference frame for the mind/spirit to vibrate from, can shift your view of reality and what it encompasses. Enlightenment is feeling Everything and thinking
Nothing. Lunacy is feeling Nothing and thinking Everything. Yet in many ways they are the same.. somewhere in between is where our sense of reality lies. From the sub-atomic to the astronomic, from the introspective to the collective, from the poetic to the scientific, from the intimate to the communicated, our intrinsic and extrinsic views of the Universe are the limits of the world we live in.

What Ecstasy did for me was offer a lot of positivity in my philosophical feedback loops. After one experience of overwhelming positivity and pleasure, I felt that the spirit, the theme, of what we call thoughts and emotions is how we choose to think and feel not only towards life, but towards the thoughts/emotions themselves. We all have
our views, our perspectives on life and all it entails. All it takes is a conscious/subconscious/superconscious decision on where to place oneself among all the views one has encountered and has yet to encounter, and whatever feeling one desires will surface. After my one experience with ecstasy, my psychoactive enhancements with cannabis have reached psychedelic proportions.

As to how my view of relationships was altered.. I feel a relationship to be a pattern of communication with another entity.. whether it be a relationship with the Earth, with a parent, a friend, a lover, a pet, or any material manifestation of the abstract and/or spiritual enhancement of the concrete that encompasses a spectrum of reality/fantasy we both share. Relationships, then, became shared realities / shared
fantasies. Communication is the path through which I can unify my existence with everything around me. I am learning many languages, from Spanish and English to logic to music to philosophy to spirituality. The more languages I learn, the greater the breadth of my communication with everything in the universe beyond my concept of 'self'.. the greater the focus on each language I encounter, the more I will be able
to channel my abstractions through it to find harmony between my understanding of the universe and the universe's understanding of me.

Pertaining an identifying description, I can give you many descriptions of me and you can form whatever identities you want from them. An 'identity' results from a mental plane of coexistence with certain 'entities', a plane in which your similarities are used by others to 'identify' you as one of of them or one of another group. If you were
to read my 'I am' poem again, you could see how I have experimented with different identities throughout my life so far. Everything I say I am, I can envision as my identity while other things in my life revolve around it. It can range from saying 'I am me,' having the self be my identity and taking an ego-centric perspective, to saying 'I am the Universe' (or part of it, or one of its manifestations.. but nevertheless having the focus be on what I am not instead of what I am), at which point I lose all concept of self. The Universe can encompass everything in the self, and the self can encompass everything in the Universe, when you think about everything that is part of you and everything that you are part of. To answer your questions/assumptions, I am 18 Earth years of age, I was born in Colombia, and I've spent over half my life in the U.S.A. As for occupation, I'm still trying to decide what services I feel comfortable charging money for. When I feel I can depend on music for financial as well as spiritual sustainment, I will make the transition. Until then, I take the opportunity to give service and receive compensation in whatever way seems fit.. be it designing web pages and analyzing management software solutions for a
corporation, 'tutoring' local high school teachers on the use of the internet, or whatever else as long as it leaves me with time and desire for music exploration/education/experimentation.

Feel free to publish my account anywhere. I would like not to remain anonymous.. much of my expression has been anonymous, so now I want to reconcile my thoughts/emotions with my identity.

from Leonardo

Exp Year: 1999ExpID: 97006
Gender: Male 
Age at time of experience: 18 
Published: Jul 23, 2012Views: 2,456
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MDMA (3) : Retrospective / Summary (11), Unknown Context (20)

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