BODY WEIGHT:

55 kg

Truffles Trip

This trip, unlike my previous trips, did not contain a very personal lesson. At first I felt bad. Like I had been in a good mood before I started but after it started, I was in a shitty mood, missing my family and missing my mom and was happy that I will see them soon again (I live abroad). I felt tired, really tired and was surprised about it because it was like very short time ago that I came back from a long vacation. This life of forcing myself to do this or that, of sitting cramped behind my computer, of to some degree always fake communication with most of the people most of the time, it all seemed so wrong and fake and tiring to me. I would check the phone to see how much time is left for the effect to wear off. And it was a lot of time. I said mama several times out loud. I was thinking, this is it, I have reached my limit, this is the last time I do it. This is not nice, it is not that I could not handle it, but it seemed...heavy and because it was not pleasant I did not see the point of it. I was slightly afraid but far from panicking. I was making myself take deep breaths because I was told that is how you get out of a bad trip. Even though I do not think this was a bad trip. But sometimes I would be slightly afraid and I would breathe deeply to prevent it from escalating. But then I like, this is it, this is the experience you wanted so be in it. And my friend said not to fight any emotion in this state, good or bad, just go with it. So I made/let myself be there, in it.

I could feel my brain working differently. Different, clear layers of thinking. But I was not thinking actually. I had a feeling that information was flowing differently in my brain. And then again, there was very little information. Difficult to explain AND remember. I was just experiencing the state, I was not very successful in using it to make new conclusions, to gain some kind of insight I could verbalize and hold onto.

But I had this feeling of being very much there. Very present. I am not sure if this happened during the 'suffering' part or later. It probably at least started during the bad part of the experience. And it was a very clear feeling. I do not remember if I ever had this feeling without drugs. But it must have happened. It was not a euphoric or a crazy feeling. I just felt really present in my head. I was also proud of myself with the way I handled the badness of the experience. Very calm, without trying to suppress it.

I was thinking at a certain moment (a very fast thought) how it is sad for crazy people because they want to be normal, be part of the game, but to deny their craziness would be to deny themselves, because their perception is different and only if they lie to us can they join our game.

Also I thought about people who get scared during a trip and I thought (I was feeling bad at that moment), I can handle this, so what exactly is so scary about a bad trip, if the moment itself is bad, but you are alive and it is in fact a bearable moment (well, not the kind of moment that will make you a ceo of a multinational corporation, but what is the difference with being in that position and this position really??)? Is it the question, what if I am like this forever?, that freaks people out. And then I thought, forever is just a series of moments, and I can handle this moment right now which means that I can handle it forever. Forever is not cumulative, it is just one moment after another. More of the feeling (in a different coat), I can handle literally anything. All of us can. It is just a moment made of sensations. Forever does not imply intensity of badness. And then I tried very vaguely to think about how intensity affects the bearability of the moment and I did not get anywhere with this question. However, while I was thinking the thought of forever just being a set of moments and that forever is therefore not scary, I got the phrase 'memory of pain' in my head. But I did not go anywhere with it. (It is the memory of pain that scares us, not the pain itself? It is obvious we can handle the pain once it is there?)

And then at some moment, I do not remember very well how and when exactly, something changed and I crossed into euphoria. I was feeling good. The mushrooms were increasing the positive emotions of the day, I was feeling in love. And I did not form many thoughts, but was listening to the music and following images in my head where all of us were dancing past each other to the sound of Shpongle. In my head we were all dancing and circumventing each other while dancing.

When I went to the toilet at the beginning of the trip I had strong visual distortions. My legs seemed very, very, very long and everything was reddish. Later I went again and my face was very distorted in the mirror. I did not study the visuals. I thought I might get too scared or distracted by them.

The feeling of genuinely being open to any experience. Well, in the sense of, I can handle and henceforth I will not block it, I will not block anything, I will not be susceptible to any form of (societal?) blackmail, imposed or self-imposed, any fear, because there is no threat that can scare me. It is just a moment of sensations and I am here. I am not scared, I will not block anything.

And I had the time distortion as well. The trip seemed to last longer than it did. Sometimes I would turn my head and I had a feeling that something else would come a few moments after the moment, like perhaps my consciousness (??).

It made sense this time to have music as a guide. As an anchor in the reality. Sometimes it was quiet, I am not sure if it was the very low part of the Shpongle song or if the time had actually stopped, lol...probably the first thing.

And I was very, very, very cold. For quite a while. The thin blanket I had was not enough. I wanted a better cover but was too...under the influence, lethargic or whatever to get up and find it. Also, I was yawning a lot.

I tried asking questions to get answers like in the last trip but it did not work this time. But sometimes I would think and got some response. The way things were and based on previous trips I have a feeling that questions we ask ourselves and the answers do not come from the same place.

Exp Year: 2012	ExpID: 97157
Gender: Female
Age at time of experience: 29
Published: Dec 26, 2016	Views: 2,601
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Mushrooms (39) : Difficult Experiences (5), Unknown Context (20)