DOSE:	repeated	oral	MDMA	(pill / tablet)
		smoked	Cannabis	(daily)

BODY WEIGHT:

200 lb

I was always a fairly skeptical and cautious individual when it came to any drugs. The first time I drank alcohol, I was in grade 9. I was so hungover the following day that I never took another sip of alcohol until grade 12. I smoked pot for the first time 2 days after graduation.. And I'll be brutally honest, I loved it and I continue to smoke it daily, even now. But hey, this isn't a story about alcohol or marijuana, this is a story about ecstacy.

At 19, I hung out with a lot of people who loved E. I always watched them have such fun, and from time to time my interest and curiousity peaked the only thing that ever stopped me was my fear of... Well I don't know, just fear. One evening however, I mustered up the courage to try it. A couple of friends and myself. We planned it for days, when the time came I nearly chickened out... However peer pressure got the best of me, and bam.. I swallowed it.

All 3 of us had ingested one tab. We were sitting at McDonald's and for some reason I recall feeling uncomfortable, so we headed to a local coffee shop. We sat and shit talked for a while, then I went to the washroom. I knew something was happening cause I felt as though I was floating, I looked in the mirror and thought I looked absolutely beautiful, pupils extremely dialated. That was the extent of it. Slight euphoria. The next morning, I woke up feeling fine. Again, the next day I took part again.. I felt great a majority of the night until I drove home and tried to sleep. I was experiencing my first panic attack ever and boy was it brutal. I drove to a friends and she helped me calm from the feeling of impending doom hovering above me. I didn't continue doing E until several months later, where I did E a handful of times, all ending again with horrible panic attacks. I had expected the panic attacks to fade along with my usage, boy was I wrong. Anything I did would end with me feeling as though I was going to die.

A year passed and my problem still persisted, I had to completely cut marijuana from my life as my panic attacks grew increasingly stronger every time I smoked up. I didn't know what to do at this point, it was becoming an extreme burden on my life.. Visiting the hospital often and missing work due to anxiety. I refused all medication to calm me down, I recall my grandfather once telling me he used to have awful anxiety and he never took anything for it, the one day it vanished. I guess this just stuck with me.

Since my anxiety wasn't improving I decided to move... Half way around the world. I thought maybe new people and scenery would help it improve. Honestly, it did... Quite a lot. I moved back home 6 months later. It's now been three years since the first time I rolled, and I'll be honest.. I'm still not the same person I used to be. Just last night I had a panic attack and thought I may die. I've learned how to control them now, for the most part. I can go out and keep my fear under control. I can smoke pot again, but sometimes get really freaked out and anxious if i get to baked. I know for a fact E is what caused this. It's amazing in the moment, but in my opinion the long term effects aren't worth it. I really don't know if I'll ever be the same again.

Exp Year: 2010	ExpID: 97264
Gender: Female
Age at time of experience: 19
Published: Jul 31, 2019	Views: 738
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MDMA (3) : Retrospective / Summary (11), Post Trip Problems (8), Health Problems (27), Small Group (2-9) (17)