Citation: reformedxtian. "More Effective Than Years of Therapy: An Experience with MDMA (exp97301)". Erowid.org. Nov 14, 2019. erowid.org/exp/97301
||(powder / crystals)
||(powder / crystals)
I had my first experience with MDMA quite recently. A friend that Iím very close to had procured some for both of us; I already smoke cannabis, and heís introduced me to LSD once before, but thatís the full range of my drug experiences. My friend B prepared me quite well for what was going to happen. He told me everything he could think of, in a very candid and frank manner. He didnít leave anything out to try to pressure me into doing it; he just gave me the details and let me decide.
I had been looking forward to MDMA all day. Not because I wanted to try some fun new drug, but because Iíve become aware over the last few months that I have serious walls up blocking myself from feeling much emotion. B means a lot to me, and I knew he was in love with me. Iíve never felt love, only strong (and temporary) infatuation. When B told me that there was a drug that could make me Feel, I jumped at the chance.
When B told me that there was a drug that could make me Feel, I jumped at the chance.
Iím not sure what the dosage was, but we took a total of $50 worth each.
We pulled in to a quiet park that we frequent at around 1am, and he pulled out a tiny baggie with a few small clear crystals in it. He told me that the person he bought it from tested it in front of him, and that it was 95% pure, which is apparently a huge deal.
We put the baggie into a larger one (in case the first got a hole in it from the crushing process), and proceeded to crush the crystals. I was quite surprised how much powder was produced from those tiny crystals. He divided the powder in half, and then halved the pile again, so that we had two even piles, which he then formed into lines. We snorted a line each.
This is the first time I ever snorted anything, and he wasnít lying when he said it was going to be a horrible experience. We kept sipping a drink to help with the drip, and eventually it abated. B started to feel the effects relatively soon, which was surprising as he has a higher tolerance for every other substance than I do. I didnít really feel anything, and we went for a walk around the lake at the park while sharing a cigarette.
A security car turned up, and blasted out a garbled message at us. I think it was something along the lines of Ďthis park is closed, if you donít leave Iíll call the policeí. Needless to say, we went back to my car as soon as the security car left. We still had $50 worth of MDMA in my car, along with 8 LSD sugar cubes and some weed, and obviously really didnít want to be busted.
Driving while intoxicated, tripping, or extremely sleep deprived is dangerous and irresponsible because it endangers other people. Don't do it!]
I drove the two kms to another of our frequent haunts, this time one that has never had any other people there while weíve been there. We stopped off at his house first as it was on the way and I needed to use the bathroom. Driving was when I first noticed the effects; Iím not a hoon, but I like to get up to speed and change through the gears as fast as I can. We both noticed immediately that my driving was extremely calm and placid.
While at his house, I spent a very intense few minutes bonding with his Rottweiler. I knew the whole time that it was because of the MDMA in my system, but his beautiful dog, so serene and loving, just lay there and stared into my eyes, and I into his. Even knowing it was caused by something external to myself, it didnít lessen the bond I felt. All I really remember from that moment was thinking Ďknowing eyes Ė knowing soulí repeatedly.
We regularly hang out in the back of my car; I have a Ďbedí there that I make up for drive-in movies. Once we got to the second park, we made the bed up before taking the second dose. This time, we tipped the powder into our mouths and rubbed it into our gums, keeping it in our mouths for as long as we could handle the taste.
We then climbed into the bed in the back of the car and wound down the back windows slightly. We smoked a little pot - we both have very high tolerances to pot, so having only a couple of hits each shows again that the MDMA was starting to affect me Ė but it wasnít until we shared another cigarette that the effects really hit me. It was almost instant; I took a few big drags, then had to hand the rest of it back to him because I couldnít finish it.
I regret writing this three days after I took it, because a lot of the detail of the experience has faded. The important parts still remain though;
-crying for the first time in years Ė not due to something negative, but just because I could cry, I could feel that emotion. I was also laughing a lot Ė I didnít have the giggles, but actual laughter. And my laughter sounded different, too. It was clear, delighted and happy, instead of my usual semi-sarcastic laugh.
Ė feeling so much emotion that I couldnít contain it, I ended up punching the inside of my boot. I thought I was only punching lightly, just tapping with my knuckle really, until the next day when I saw that I had a few splits on the skin of my knuckles. B confirmed that I actually punched the boot very hard.
- I looked in the mirror, and saw myself as pretty. I was always quite pretty when I was younger, but weight gain has changed my features enough that I despise how I look. B has told me for months that he thinks Iím pretty, and that night, on MDMA, I saw it too.
- the feeling of acceptance, of pure bliss and pleasure and euphoria and love. JustÖ just pure love.
- I experienced insights into myself similar to those that occur on LSD; they werenít as sharp or concise, but they were still very deep.
-feeling closer to B than I ever had; I knew it was the drug, but what I felt was so strong and pure that I couldnít stay away from him. We had been intimate before this night, so touching him wasnít anything new or exciting, but at the same time it was. (We had expected to have sex that night, but it didnít end up happening.) I couldnít keep my hands off him; most of the time I was embracing him with my face buried in his neck and my hands fisted in the back of his jumper and pulling him into me as much as possible, or holding his face in my hands and gazing into his eyes, kissing him for hours (his lips were reddened and swollen for more than a day afterwards Ė my bad B), and rubbing my face against his, in much the same way as a cat rubbing her face against your hand. I actually did that so much that his stubble scratched my cheeks to the extent that I looked like I had very bad sunburn. I was conscious of the pain at the time, but couldnít stop myself. I just needed to be as close to him as as I could be, for as long as I could be.
-Earlier in the first park, B had told me that he wanted to say something, and he didnít know if I wanted to hear it, but he desperately needed to tell me. I knew he was going to say that he loved me for the first time, and I was uncomfortable with it and didnít want him to say the words. Thankfully, he dropped the subject almost immediately. He brought it up again a few hours later, in the back of my car. I told him that I did know what he was talking about, but warned him that I wouldnít be able to say it back to him if he did decide to say it. He started asking me why, and telling me that if I let my walls down enough that he thought I would be able to feel love. As he was talking, I felt this intense rush of trust towards him, and in that moment what I had hoped for since hearing about MDMA and its effects happened. The wall inside me came crashing down, and I felt a rush of true, pure love. Again, I was aware that it was a result of the drug, but since this was what I had so desperately wanted to feel for so long for him, I caved in to it immediately. He was still talking, and I leant into him and interrupted him by whispering ĎI love youí into his ear. He stopped talking, stared at me, then embraced me and told me he loved me too.
That, obviously, was the pinnacle of my night. Hell, it was the pinnacle of my entire life. Not only had I started to feel real emotion, after being numb inside for so long, but the most amazing man that Iíd ever met told me he loved me, and I felt it back.
My theorizing at the time was that the MDMA wasnít creating false emotion, it was simply allowing me to relax my guard enough to feel what was already there, but hidden from myself. Today, several days later, I believe this is accurate. I still feel love for B; not the immense, soul-searing love that I felt on MDMA, but still, love. More than Iíve ever felt before, more than I ever thought I could feel. Iíve remained happier, too, and Iíve been more creative in my art than Iíve been since I was quite young.
After reading up on MDMA some more, Iíve found a lot of people mentioning a crash or a comedown, and also that the experience only lasts a few hours. I was still feeling intense affection for the people around me, and still experiencing the euphoria at least a day after taking the drug.
I was still feeling intense affection for the people around me, and still experiencing the euphoria at least a day after taking the drug.
MDMA is the most amazing experience Iíve ever had in my life; there simply arenít words in existence to describe the feelings that I had. Despite spending 22 years of my life Ďserving godí and searching for Christ, etc, the most religious and spiritual experience I ever had was in the back of my car in the middle of winter, in some dark park, on MDMA, marijuana and nicotine.
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