Citation: Expect. "MXE and Me: A Tale of Addiction: An Experience with Methoxetamine (exp97506)". Erowid.org. Oct 27, 2012. erowid.org/exp/97506
This is a story of my own experience(s) with the drug methoxetamine, an NMDA antagonist (but not limited to that, as it's theorized to bind to a number of other receptors). It is the most interestingly compulsive drug I've ever done, and I believe that it has the potential to impact a life in a profoundly positive or negative way.
In the beginning of the year 2011, I was in my 11th year of high school, and had already gone through a world of psychoactives. My drug use began at the age of 15, with MDMA, and slowly opened to the universe of pharmaceuticals, stimulants, psychedelics, and just about every other drug available to me. I considered myself (and still do) a responsible drug user, doing extensive research on everything I consumed, and attempted to follow harm reduction protocols (pill testing, safety in measurements, etc).
While I enjoyed other drugs, psychedelics and dissociatives were my true loves. I had gone through a period of intense DXM use for 3 months in 2010, which taught me a lot about myself, and specifically how compulsive I could be when it came to drug use. Although I craved the experience associated with psychedelics and dissociatives, and the mindsets that came with them (delusion or enlightenment are both accurate terms, but I tend to prefer the latter), they were pretty much impossible to find in my area. So, looking to the internet, I used my extensive computer knowledge to gain access to the world of research chemicals, which in early 2011, was just about to explode in it's popularity. I decided, based on what was available to me, that I would purchase 2C-P, a novel psychedelic phenethylamine. Along with this 2C-P, the vendor sent me a free sample of 250mg Methoxetamine, an almost unheard of brand new compound that was making rounds in the research chemical user communities.
I experimented with the 2C-P, but the methoxetamine collected dust in a drawer in my room. Eventually, I 'rediscovered' the bag, and decided that I might as well give it a try.
I racked up a 25mg line, and insufflated it. No burn, no bad taste. And within 5 minutes, I sank into a state of dissociation and opiate-like euphoria, which was extremely pleasant. Instantly, I knew that I wanted more, and proceeded to do another 40mg in 2 differently lines. I experienced an incredible trip that was similar to my experiences with DXM, only wildly more intense, euphoric, and overall, more pleasant. I was in love, not with a person, but with a drug. Or rather, the empowering feeling it gave me.
The next day, I awoke feeling, for back of a better term, new. Everything was bright, and happy, and my interactions with those around me stood out as some of the most meaningful I've ever had. I appreciated the beauty in every day things, I valued my school work once again and the quest for knowledge of all kinds that I had abandoned when I was younger was once again returned to me. At first, MXE made me everything I wanted to be, and everything I had thought myself capable of.
Now, my addiction hadn't started yet. The rest of the MXE in that bag stayed unused. I shared it with friends, but didn't think about buying more for several months. When the summer came around, I knew that I craved that experience again. I bought my first gram bag of methoxetamine. This is when the addiction began.
I probably worked my way through the bag in less than a week. I was doing it all day, low doses in the morning and afternoon culminating into intense trips in the evening. All the while, my life had never seemed better. Once the gram was up, I contemplated buying more, but my life took an interesting change. A girl entered my life, B, who I had been infatuated with for some time, and I was able to begin a relationship with her. Although she had many mental issues (bipolar, borderline personality disorder, depression), I decided to overlook them. And when she told me I needed to give up my drug use to be with her, I bid my favorite life experiences farewell. I thought I was maturing.
B and I had a relationship that lasted 6 months, and it was a pretty nice time for me. Near the end of those 6 months, she began lying, cheating on me with her ex-boyfriend, and eventually left me for him. This struck me hard, as me and B had not only been lovers, but best friends as well. I immediately looked for a crutch from my misery, and I remembered all of my enlightening past drug experiences. My thoughts at the time were that I could possibly use a good psychedelic experience, to help me make sense of the fact that the relationship was over, and that it had been taking an unhealthy toll on my social life and relationships with my other friends more than I cared to admit. I had such an experience with 25I-NBOMe, but that's another tale. Along with buying the 25I-NBOMe, I also bought 2 grams of methoxetamine.
Now I was at the pinnacle of my MXE use. It was the second half of my senior year of high school, and I was flying through life easier than I care to admit. I was getting top marks on everything I did, including my advanced classes, and even in my classes at the local community college. My drug use reached an all time high, and I worked my way through those 2 grams of methoxetamine in less than 2 weeks. I considered it a wonder drug. It never failed to give me that new sense of wonder, and I became so experienced with the gentle high that MXE offers, that I was able to function in almost any situation while under it's influence. After my 2 gram bag ran out, I made a decision that impacted my future MXE use immensely. I bought 5 grams of the drug, and began selling it on the sides. I was making just enough money to fund all of the MXE I could possibly do. Between the months of February and June of 2012, I probably consumed an upwards of 20 grams of MXE, and selling about the same amount. I would do it at school, in the bathrooms, and then when I got home. I'd reward myself for completing assignments and doing well on tests by vaccuuming up 100-150mg lines of the drug. My tolerance was extreme, and I needed at least 50mg of MXE to get threshold effects by the end of April.
It is hard to put in words how I felt during this period, but bipolar would be the only thing that accurately describes it. When I was on MXE, I felt strong, empowered, and confident in my abilities. When I wasn't on the drug, I felt miserable about my relationship ending with B, and was overly self-critical and distraught. I would have frequent mood swings, and was constantly on the verge of tears. Regardless of this, I managed to score top marks on all of my standardized tests, and got myself into my choice college. I decided to enter a path of chemistry, inspired by my love of drugs in general, and a hope that the science behind them could create perfect experiences. As I consumed more and more MXE, I never doubted my use. I acknowledged it as the ultimate crutch in my life, my 'fall back,' but at the same time, I felt as though my sanity would be lost if I gave up the drug. For the first time, I knew what real addiction felt like. I don't believe addiction is the feeling you get when you want more cocaine after your first line, or another hit of heroin. I knew that feeling. That was liking something. Addiction is the feeling that you need more of the drug, because you're not going to survive if you don't do more. At the age of 18, before I had even finished high school, I had learned the true meaning of addiction.
Once the summer came, my MXE use became disastrous. With no job, few friends, and a lot of money saved up from selling the drug, I had free reign to do all the MXE I wanted. Every morning I would wake up, and do more. I would walk around the house like a robot, and at points in my life, while doing household work, or yard work, I actually felt like I was nothing more than a machine. Emotions almost entirely disappeared from my life. I suppose I was happy during this time, but it didn't really feel like it. It felt like I was existing. Through the months of July and August, I did about 15 more grams of MXE. I would power through 5 gram bags, and do 300-400mg experiences nightly if my schedule was free. When I spent time with people, I was able to put on a demeanor of normality, and no one really knew about my heavy drug use. All the while, I was helpless on the inside, powerless to stop myself from powering through more methoxetamine.
Then, at last, I ran out of money. Some people steal for more, some people sell more drugs for more, but I had an empowering realization on MDMA at a concert. I decided against buying more MXE for a while. Although I wasn't putting off the drug forever, I decided that I did need a break. In the middle of July, I stopped doing MXE. The months of July and August after that were downright miserable. I felt detached, and sad. It wasn't the lack of MXE that had given me so much misery, this was just how I felt when I wasn't on the drug. I was still haunted constantly by my failed relationship, and self doubt about my academic abilities crept in steadily. College grew ever closer, and I wasn't sure I was ready for it. Regardless, I was thrust into the first week of school, sober, without my hitch. I caved in, and bought another 2 grams of the drug. Before I did that first bump, reintegrating myself into that MXE space, I decided that this time, I was in control. That first week of school had let me realize that although I loved MXE, eventually I was going to have to quit.
Now, although I am not MXE free, my use has been scaled down tremendously, only using the drug on weekends. I believe that my use is once again responsible, but I accept that eventually I will have to give it up entirely. Until that day comes, however, I am still an MXE addict.
I share this because of the dreadful lack of literature on Erowid right now. It is well documented on various drug forums that MXE is addictive, but I don't think people realize the extent of it's addiction. This is not the kind of drug that will lure in those who love the rush of cocaine, or the numbing of feeling of heroin. MXE will delude those who consider themselves responsible psychedelic lovers, luring them in with it's simultaneously psychedelic and depressant effects.
If you decide to use this drug, you need to be completely confident in your ability to do a drug that will not only make you feel great, but make you think you're great, responsibly. It has zero negative physical side effects in my experience.
I have not suffered any cognitive disabilities from my MXE use. No bladder issues. No indication of long term physical damage. But I am addicted to this drug, and I'll always have to live with that fact.
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