DOSE: T+ 0:00	0.5 hits	oral	LSD	(blotter / tab)
T+ 0:30	0.5 hits	oral	LSD	(blotter / tab)
T+ 1:30	1 hit	oral	LSD	(blotter / tab)

BODY WEIGHT:

49 kg

Death in an Acid Trip

*Mindset*
Heartbroken + sad. I wanted to see the soft colours that I saw during my previous and first acid trip (quarter-half a 50 ug tab). My ex and I broke up a week before, and I hadn't begun to deal with how abusive the relationship was or how dependent I was and still wanted to be. In the back of my mind I just wanted to go to sleep. Sunset was nearing, the colours were already soft, but I refused my true desire to just sleep and submitted to abusive behaviour on my self.

*Setting*
My bedroom with high ceilings, and objects that were simply there to decorate the space (which still felt empty). Awful blue carpet. Ultimately the setting was my home, a sharehouse on a busy street. 4000 trucks a day passed by my window. I had absolutely no privacy or peace of mind. My girl housemate would enter my room without knocking and depended on me to look after her when she drank and had psychotic attacks. I was her only friend but she still read my diaries and stole money and things from my room. I was not comfortable around my housemates or in my home.

*Dosage*
Initially I cut half a tab of internet-bought 75 ug acid. There was no effect after 30 minutes so I ate the other half and licked the plastic pink zigzag scissors. 1 hour later, still no effect, so I tore a full tab and consumed it. All in all, approx 150 ug in a 1.5 hour timespan.

The physical effect began 5 minutes after the second tab. My body felt nauseous and I found I was not breathing with ease. Something heavy pressed on my lungs. The pressure and the nausea was a forewarning that a rough ride was ahead so I changed into something all purpose, took off a suffocating bra and texted my ex to come immediately as I felt no one else was experienced enough that was in close proximity (20 minutes drive at most or nearby) that would be adequate in being there for me in the acid state that was to come.

Fortunately the fucker came. Playing with my mind for the rest of the trip aside (which has caused some PTSD damage) and taking advantage of my body and state of mind aside, if it weren't for him I would have played a trick on myself and jumped in front of the traffic, I was completely gone.

* Below is my account *

Taken only one. Waiting for it to start. So I could see the colours differently, so that I could appreciate. I was hopeful.
An hour after, I am still normal. I decide to lick the zig zag edges of the pink plastic scissors and tear off another. I need to get out of this resistance. My mind says don't okay, you'll feel better if you just go to sleep. Forget about the pain. Everything will be better. But I'm difficult and unhappy.

I am falling and I know because I nag my housemate to do the dishes and laugh at how much I really don't care. Something in me is happiness but I feel sick at myself. Inside my room, I lay down finding it hard to breathe. Turning, asking for help, and in turn girl housemate says she 'won't be around all night'.

I quickly find my phone and text the only person I know who knows what it's like and who I know will be there. I still can't breathe and my legs feel cold so I attempt to take off my bra before I know it will descend into too late and I won't be able to do it. It is a tight, suffocating material, one without clamps and when I finally pull it off I change dresses into something warmer and all purpose. My blue velvet dress which as I slip my arms up into it reminds me of the ocean and the heaviness of the dark calm protecting me.

When he comes, we sit on the soft grass at the end of the backyard. I can hear colours and I can see the sun starting to set-something it has been doing for the past however many hours. A heaviness creeps up around my chest and weighs down my lungs. I have to stay calm. There are orange, green, yellow and blue tennis balls that children have thrown across fence. One falls near us.

His skin and eyes a skeleton, a sickened body. I hear children laughing from everywhere, I feel the warmth and don't want it to fade. I start running to the house but it is different. No one is there. I have to use the bathroom but I don't want to be loud and am unsure of where everyone is. I go to the front of the house and outside again but my brain is only registering some parts of my shifting from place to place.

My brain hurts and it feels like it is dying or parts of it are. The dishes are done but the kitchen is dirty. We go outside. To calm down. We go back in and the pale programmer Canadian boy housemate is playing his music that is bass and hate and ugly grind and it is loud I tell him it's shit, it's shit, it's shit!! I run away from them and their bad music. I return with the tide before I can remember, and they are in the living room, watching the news about a lifesaver saving someone. I can't stand the way the tv is talking to me so I ask them to turn it off before pulling the plug.

Inside my room my ex and I kiss but he hesitates and I can tell it is an act. I tell him I love him. And I call him my darling. And he holds me tight. Says I am okay. I'm finding it hard to breathe. My hands push him away and my mind tries to make sense of how bright it is when I continue running around the house.

When I return to my room, I can hear the hospital and paramedics trying to revive me. I say I will breathe and I will be back again and real. I breathe as deeply as I can. I need to call my mum otherwise I know I am dead. He asks what is real and what is dead? Come on, does it matter?

I scream for someone to call an ambulance but no one does. I accept that it is only my consciousness that remains, desperately trying to find something to hold onto, something real. I open the windows wide and screamed at people parked in their cars 'are you real?? Am I real?' and they all just simply look at me. I hear him telling my housemates again that this is all part of the normal reactions and that an ambulance will only make it worse. I feel his voice and the words he says are part of a game put on for me. It freaks me out that they listen and go back to the living room. It is worse that when I find and hold the phone in my hand it lengthens. When my ex sees the phone, he tries to take it off me. I scream and wrestle to have it back, kicking him until it is thrown across the room. I find her number and call. He asks me to promise him I will be calm. I say I promise. As soon as I hear my mum's voice which sounds so far away but next to me I start screaming that I think I am dying and that I need an ambulance. She reacts calmly and I yell I am scared and I need her and I need an ambulance now. My ex grabs the phone and explains what is happening. It ends on that he will look after me and everything will be okay and I presume he hangs up on her. This scares me so much because I feel I am actually dead and that the action of him ending the call to my mum affirms I am not real anymore. I begin to panic as my ex's eyes do not change but his body changes - widens and warps, and my location changes, I run up and down the halls. His words are repeating 'what is real?' and his face is that of understanding. My housemates were not in the living room when I went back.

For however long it was, I presume about 20 minutes, I strongly believed that my ex boyfriend was the only thing left that I was talking to and that I was not real anymore. That I was dead. This was the most horrific part of the trip. I was running up and down my house and my ex would follow me and say things that affirmed my suspicions that I was actually dead - for example, that there is no such thing as physical reality, we are all only energy, that he isn't real and I might not be real and who is to say we are real. I felt really light-bodied and didn't feel connected to anything but to the acceptance that I was dead and none of it was real.

(+1hr after the acid started taking effect)
So I decided to smash this theory and walk outside. Which surprised him. I walk outside and notice that there are no cars on the road and that every vehicle parked is facing the left. It is extremely strange that there are no cars on this busy road, not even in the distance. But after he says yes, that is strange, some cars pass.

So we go for a walk because I don't want to be anywhere near this unmoving house. We decide to leave without shoes and the pavement is warm. Turning the glass in my hand (I was drinking a lot of water), I wonder if it's real. I decide to throw it hard, right out front the apartment building on the corner. I want to see if it will smash into thousands of tiny glass pieces like it's meant to. It makes a beautiful sound and with it my ex is again, surprised. He starts to worry or realise that this will be more intense than he expected. If he wasn't there I'd walk in front of the traffic. But he holds my hand, holds me back.

We walk down the street to town and I start knocking on peoples doors to see if they are real, how they will react. I knock on a door that has a do not knock sticker on it. I pass this house everyday. A large Vietnamese burnt sienna coloured house. I knock so insistently and when the door opens I demand a glass of water. After a long while a younger guy opens the door again and gives me a red plastic coca cola cup filled with water which I keep and refill at a tap I've never seen before that my ex pointed out, at the orthodontists.

A blonde office worker holds weeds as she crosses the road in front of us and I ask her why. She says it's bunny food. And I say to her that I would never feed a bunny that. We turn a street and I want to be naked to see how people react. If their reactions are real. But my ex convinces me not to. And I agree. Instead, I ask the man coming towards us if he is real. He looks like he's done 'some heavy shit' and is understanding and sympathetic. He said I look too young to be using. My favourite flowers near my ex's house are almost dead but that doesn't stop me from putting my face to them, kissing them, closing my eyes to them and breathing. I calm from being at his house. From being held by my only mama - who came as we were lying in my ex's bed breathing to rainforest music.

I am my centre but she is my world.

Driving to my wilderness home. Both of my hands are holding theirs. The GPS map changes streets in front of my eyes. Streets I have never seen before. Changing seamlessly when I look. It is quite freaky to see but I also think kind of cool. We laugh in the car when I ask if it is real, and my mama says of course it is not.

Looking out the window, I see many small white planes with propellers at the front on fire and about to crash. I tell my ex I am scared of the planes. He asks me very gently if I think they will be okay. I say yes, and they continue on flying and he says, 'see, it's okay' with a kind smile and a squeeze of the hand. The whole trip I had no idea where we were, I didn't recognise the usual streets.

After everyone went to sleep, including my visiting family from out of town who did not see me in my coming down state, my ex and I went to the kitchen to eat grapes and then outside to see the sky. All the stars were so much more visible, my eyes wide apertures. I thought I could feel the trees being tired and disapproving of me questioning if it was all real. Like they were too concerned with something else to deal with my nonsense. I received the same feeling from my feline. He was very nonchalant.

In my bedroom my ex and I inevitably had sex. After forcing kisses on him earlier, and from having been together for a couple of years, it seemed natural to kiss and hold each other. I didn't want to have sex with him at all because my body was raw from exhaustion, my heartbeat still super fast, and my breathing quick because I still thought I wouldn't keep breathing by myself if I didn't consciously take every deep or shallow breath. My breathing was conscious during the entire trip as I found it hard to breath initially, then I breathed to support my life. My ex kept insisting and I gave in because the way my body felt reminded me of something magical - sensual senses are heightened - but I quickly was reminded that it wasn't something I felt comfortable with when he began porn sex and my heart felt it couldn't take it.

He wanted to go to sleep and I couldn't sleep until I walked to the window facing east and saw the beginning of life. Sunlight through the leaves and the familiar bird songs and the rumble of my belly. And I went to sleep.

*

Note. For months afterwards I have had flashbacks and I recognise symptoms of PTSD in me. I have seen a burning object in the sky moving steadily towards the city. And have read a news story the next day that many other people thought it was a burning plane with no explanation for this event given by authorities. Other small coincidences have occurred that flashed me back to feeling that I wasn't real and induce a state of panic.

I have reconciled that there is a lot I have yet to know and understand and kick myself for taking something that has cheated me from having natural slow spiritual learning. Because almost every new learning experience is tainted with my doubts and terrifying experience that I wasn't ready for.

Hopefully I can move past this. I think I already have.

Exp Year: 2012	ExpID: 97641
Gender: Female
Age at time of experience: 21
Published: Jan 24, 2022	Views: 1,226
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