DOSE:

1 hit

sublingual

LSD

(blotter / tab)

BODY WEIGHT:

175 lb

I had acquired 2 hits of blotter from a girl I met randomly about 2 weeks ago. She wanted me to buy 4 hits but I only had enough for 2 because the price was so high. In a way I felt I possibly would be getting ripped off because each hit was ridiculously expensive. But the area where I live is very conservative and as far as I know it doesn't really exist in my city so I took a chance and paid the exorbitant amount for the 2 hits then stashed them inside a pill bag wrapped in black cloth stuffed inside a glass bottle which I placed into my acoustic guitar case which I assumed would be a dark and cool environment. Each hit was pre-wrapped in tin foil. When I bought them the girl said they weren't that strong instead she described the strength as perfect, said they weren't cut with anything and that it was very clean.

I was planning to save the blotter for a Furthur concert that I was trying to save up money for but as it so happened I never ended up buying a ticket for the show and decided that maybe I would save the hits for a couple months or possibly a year. I was trying to plan the perfect place to do it but there was no perfect place, I tried asking a girl who I knew if she could be my sitter for a night and at first she said yes so I was trying to aim for that but then when I tried to confirm whether she would be able to be my sitter in the next 2 weeks she said she was getting kicked out of her apartment for not paying rent and at that point I knew she wouldn't be a good sitter and that her environment would be way too stressful. I deliberated for a long while if I should trip at her place in a stressful setting or just try and trip alone in my backyard that way I wouldn't have to drive anywhere and I would have easy access to a bathroom and a bed.

I was living with my family. I took one of the hits when I was stressed out after dinner, my brother who I was sharing a room with had gone out on a date with a girl and my other brother was working late, my parents were arguing over dinner about how imperfect the taste of the pork was mixed with spinach. I tried easing the tension before dinner by adding sliced Portabella mushrooms to their pork and spinach concoction. But tensions flared during dinner, I felt like my parents just wanted to argue just to argue and didn't care what I had to say. I had initially planned to trip only when everything was perfect and in a nice setting. I was stressed out after dinner, I was alone, didn't have anyone to trip with. My parents went to bed around 9:30 p.m.

I was restless. I used the bathroom and felt physically fine, in the back of my mind I considered taking one hit even though the setting was less than ideal. The last time I had tripped was almost 3 years ago and the tabs I had then were perfect, they were tasteless and powerful and clean and the body high was phenomenal while listening to music. I envisioned that happening again but at the same time I realized I was fearing the experience. Fearing whether the setting would be perfect because I needed it to be perfect in order to feel safe enough to trip. I didn't have a single friend I could call to be my sitter and I sat on my bed and considered and deliberated the fact that I can either be afraid of the experience and give into fear or I can try and ride the lightning and face my fears. I didn't have to do anything the next day, I was free all week, no responsibilities, I would be alone at least for the next 3 hours before my brothers got back home. I tried to make calculations in my mind about how much time it would take for the trip to end.

According to a lunar calendar that I had consulted earlier in the day I knew that it was just about the day after the new moon and even if the moon wasn't immediately visible in the sky there was a silver sliver somewhere in the sky. I felt like the emergence of a new moon was somehow symbolic and related to my wanting to face my fears and evolve.

By 10:30 p.m. I realized I couldn't find my IPod to make a master playlist and I thought maybe the lost Ipod was a sign that I shouldn't trip. I went out to my car and found it in there and was infinitely relieved until I realized I would have to charge it for at least half an hour because the battery was dead and I would need the music at all costs. I went back to my room and charged it and tried downloading some songs but I was drawing a blank and wasn't sure what I even wanted to add to my playlist. Then I thought about the song All You Need Is Love and so I put that on my playlist then I thought about the song Imagine by John Lennon and added that one but then I couldn't think of anything else so I just added those two.

By 11 p.m. I had everything ready so I put on some sweatpants and a sweater and got a bottle of water and filled a plastic bag with dates not sure why but I guess I felt it would be good to have a snack handy just in case. I got a pen and a notepad in case I wanted to draw or write something and I got a piece of sage and matches ready in a brass bowl. Grabbed my phone, IPod, headphones, sage, water, notepad, bag of dates and placed those things outside in the backyard next to a chair that was facing a fence and overlooking the night sky. I went back inside to grab the hit out of my guitar case and by this time it was nearing 11:30 p.m. I had the hit in my hand and I couldn't figure out whether to take it inside my room with the lights on and then walk outside or take it outside and just wait out there. I decided I would feel safer if I started in my room with the lights on then move outside.

At 11:34 p.m. I unwrapped the blotter from the tin foil, placed the foil inside a jar and stashed it away, cleared my mind, chanted the HareKrishna mantra, told myself that I was doing this to learn as much as I could about myself and the world and then placed the hit on my tongue. As soon as I put it on my tongue I felt a burning sensation in my mouth, I closed my mouth and the lifted my tongue up to the roof of my mouth and the hit touched the roof of my mouth and I was positive it was burning the inside of my mouth, it also tasted extremely bitter and then I panicked because I thought it wasn't supposed to taste like anything, and from the last time I tried it I never felt any burning sensations in my mouth. I thought for sure I had been ripped off and then my mind went into a swirl of uneasy thoughts about what I was ingesting. I thought if this isn't acid what is it?

Then I started getting really worried that maybe I had been duped and poisoned so I spit out the blotter and was convinced that my tongue was suffering chemical burn because it was starting to go numb. I got really worried, I wasn't sure what was going to happen to me. I tried texting some friends who lived far away and told them what was happening and that I was worried. They said to just stay calm and not to worry which helped a little bit although it would have been much better to trip with someone else because I felt incredibly alone tripping by myself. It was about 11:40 p.m. I wasn't sure what time my brother was going to come back from his date and I imagined him walking thru the door at any moment which made me uneasy so I walked outside to the chair I had set up and sat there and just waited. I felt tingly but I still wasn't sure what was going to happen even though I had tripped about 6 times 3 years before. Everything felt strange.

I realized I was starting to get strong tremors in my hands so I decided it would be the best time to put on some headphones and play a song and try and relax. I blanked out as I was scrolling thru my Ipod but the sound of crickets around me was starting to close in on me and I needed to just choose a song I chose the song Attics of my Life by the Grateful Dead. It was playing at a low volume. I closed my eyes and felt surges of energy course through me, I was afraid to open my eyes because it was so dark outside I wasn't sure what I was going to see. By this time I was taking very deep breaths and my hands had very intense tremors I was clutching some Malachite beads that I had got from a Buddhist retreat center some years back. I held onto them and breathed and at about 12 a.m. Kaleidoscopic tesselations were opening and unfurling in my mind as I kept my eyes closed, I couldn't even tell what I was seeing because everything was so complex, but I didn't really feel like I was tripping, not the way I had remembered it. The trip was too introspective, I would feel that nothing was happening one minute then the next minute I would be a leaf shaking in the wind surging with energy and feeling the world and all of life was one giant fractal. I finally opened my eyes and looked at the sky and it was like I was looking at the sky for the first time in my life, I felt like a baby that was just seeing the world for the first time.

Usually I can't see any stars at night but for some reason I was seeing more stars than I usually would. I was trying to count them but there were too many then I wasn't sure if the stars were really there or not and as I had that thought I saw a bright shooting star streak through the sky and was so amazed I wondered if it was real or if I had imagined it. I tried to make a wish but I was so in awe I couldn't think of anything, all I thought of was living and wanting to keep living in the world, it didn't seem like much of a wish. Then I was noticing complex fractals and spirals in the sky, they were so intricate it was like they weren't there but they were. And I kept feeling like I wasn't really tripping but I was, it was very psychological and then I thought that maybe the fractals were the energy of life sometimes you can pick up on that energy and sometimes you can't.

As I sat and listened to the Dead and looked at the moonless starlit sky it was like the whole of Philosophy was out there in the sky and each star was an idea and a conclusion, I felt free to consider possibilities and felt free to think philosophically, about my life and the world and my place in the world and then I realized life is really about helping people but I didn't know how I could help people I felt like I could only help myself but somehow I knew that only helping ourselves is not enough then I got tangled up in my thoughts and felt that if I had to explain this to someone it wouldn't make any sense, I thought about how Ego is holding on to everything in your life and then I realized the only reason why people hang on so tightly is because they're not sure if sacredness exists. I thought about how my parents were arguing over dinner. To them dinner wasn't sacred, they were holding on to what they thought the perfect dinner was supposed to be like and because they couldn't feel any of that sacredness that is life they were bickering and let their egos control their feelings. I felt that the way to help people is to make them feel the energy that the world consists of the energy that is curiosity and wonder and positive vibrations. Yet it seemed impossible to share these ideas with my family but I felt I wanted to share these ideas.

Then my brother came home from his date and it was around 2 a.m. He was calling me on my phone nonstop and texting me and I felt that he was angry because he didn't know where I was. That was sending me into a negative mental space and I started feeling scared that somehow what I was doing was wrong so I finally just texted him and spilled the beans and just said look I need you to be understanding I am just outside tripping I'm ok don't worry. I felt better after telling him but at the same time I knew he was going to judge me because he thinks tripping destroys your brain and it's sinful and evil and bad for your body. I knew he wasn't going to be supportive but I felt all I could do was be honest and try not to get too tangled into what he was thinking about it.

Eventually around 4 a.m. I felt I had already peaked and I was listening to a live track of St. Stephen into Not Fade Away back into St. Stephen and was getting blown away by Jerry and noticed I couldn't see any more stars in the sky, some pink clouds had floated over. I realized my parents would be getting up for work soon and I would have to finish the trip in my room with my brother. I also needed to charge my Ipod because it was dying on me so I burned some sage chanted a quick Harekrishna mantra, and headed inside. My brother was tossing and turning in bed when I got back in, I turned on my computer and listened to some music on there while my Ipod charged. I was still seeing complex fractals everywhere but when I looked in the mirror my pupils didn't seem that dilated. I still seemed to be tripping but at times I wasn't sure and thought it was over then the next minute I'd be still in it. Eventually I fell asleep at around 8 a.m. Still listening to music. I slept about 4 hours and woke up feeling well but I could tell my brother was in a bad mood. I went outside it was a bright and sunny day I played guitar and sang for a couple of hours and felt good and happy and positive.

Then when I went back inside my brother tried starting an argument with me about how tripping is bad for your brain because it makes you anti-social and that it's just not good and something I shouldn't be doing. I could feel so much negative energy coming from him, I told him he didn't really know what he was talking about and told him I was fine and didn't do it for fun, and it wasn't something I was going to be doing all the time. He tried to remain stern and unrelenting and kept trying to lecture me about how I was sinning and that it was evil and all this stuff. I felt it would be useless to try and explain my experience to him, he seemed to not understand or be willing to understand. I said I was careful about it and repeated that I wasn't going to be doing it all the time that all I was doing was sitting outside and looking at the stars but it didn't make any sense to him why someone would want to sit outside and look at the stars. He just said you don't need that, you're already too fucked up and that shit is just going to fuck you up even more.

I just said thanks for your concern and tried to essentially say let's just agree to disagree on this topic. He said he would keep it to himself and at that point I knew the experience of seeing goodness in the world and feeling the energy that is life was something he was not going to accept. I tried to place his ideas in a wider context and realized there's a lot of people in the world who are afraid of philosophy, afraid of sitting outside and looking at the stars and thinking about their life. Then I thought about how all the ego does is hold on to what it thinks the self is or the world is. I realized chaos is actually just holding on to everything and when you let go that's when you realize life is essentially sacred and there's no reason to be holding on. I felt my brother was holding on, his ego was holding on to everything that he thought was right and true, I knew he was afraid to let go, that his anger about me tripping was that he was just afraid. I felt sorry for him. It seemed to me that in order to let go we have to trust simple imperfections. Perhaps all of life is a simple imperfection, we get old, we die, that scenario is less than perfect but instead of being angry at that imperfection maybe we have to let go what we think perfection is and just trust that simple imperfections are natural.

[Erowid Note: A substance(s) in this report might be identified incorrectly. Erowid reviewers question the author's identification of the drug described. Although the report is included in the collection, the substance might be something other than the author believed it to be.]

Exp Year: 2012	ExpID: 97679
Gender: Male
Age at time of experience: 25
Published: Oct 11, 2022	Views: 652
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LSD (2) : Alone (16), General (1)