A Gift or a Curse? A Pinch of Shamanism.
Citation: The-Undertow. "A Gift or a Curse? A Pinch of Shamanism.: An Experience with Cannabis (exp98)". Erowid.org. Jul 18, 2001. erowid.org/exp/98
Ok, i have determined to somehow get this off my chest, because everytime i try to verbally explain it, i feel as though i cannot relate how i feel in an effective way. This experience was, to me, so ground-shaking and awe inspiring that i am shaking even as i sit down to write about this.
And i should say, that it is a very, very extended story, so feel free to get a drink, and get ready to burn up. I assure you, everything i say is as true, and accurate as i can recall, it is, i think, beneficial and therapuetic for me to put this down, to be able to let it go. So here goes...
Alright, in the month of September of last year (1998), we had picked up this acid. So we all dosed, (there were 5 of us)and continued our ritualistic 'get together-to-trip' biweekly/triweekly thing. But what we did not know, is that this acid was very, very different from what we have ever dosed before.
Everyone all agreed the day after, (under which, the effects STILL lingered) that this acid was definately different from what we have ever tried before. I remember sitting in my livingroom with my buddies, looking over to two of my friends sitting on another couch, and they slowly turned into a one-point perspective black-and-white pencil drawing. I also remember walking into my kitchen and seeing my cat lie on the table facing away from me, he turned his head around (like an owl does) and meowed at me, i remember standing there for at least 20 to 25 minutes just thinking about things like; 'what happened to him as a kitten that would make him meow at me that exact way at that exact time' you know, just over-analyzing the entire microcosmic situation. But the thing that really got me, was that i was sitting in an upright position on my couch, just listening to the entire conversation, and not speaking, and all of the sudden, the entire range of my vision started to receed, to the point where it looked as though i was looking at the world through two holes that seemed to get smaller the farther i got got away from them, and bef!
ore i knew it, those to holes became attached to two tunnels, which dropped down, like a submarine telescope.
It then went black, and i was sitting in a metal chair in a vast, black and empty room, for some odd reason, i knew it was round, and somehow i also knew it was big. i was siiting in this chair with armrests on it, and at the bottom of the chair, there was a poll attached to it, this thin pole extended farther and farther down until it dissapeared in the dark of this room, so it felt as though i was sitting in this suspended chair directly in the middle of this vast, empty room.
I remember trying to figure out what exactly was going on here when something totally weird and unexpected happened. I started to become aware, with all 5 senses, of the entire environment that my body was in, simultaneously with the 5 senses i was experiencing within this room on this chair.
I remember that after the trip, i asked my friends if i had blacked out at all throughout the entire trip, and they said no, that i was 'just sitting there, staring at them'. Needless to say, i tried desperately to crawl back to my 'normal' state of mind, and grasp for some sort of security to ground myself, i was unsuccessful in doing this, so i just toughed it out, although suicide was a common thought that night, for i feared that i would remain in this state forever.
*End of Introduction*
So, since then, i have felt as though there are two 'parts' to me, constantly at war. Of the 5 friends i have been with, only one is still around, whom i had known the longest, and is a true brother of mine (i should also include that that night when we tripped, he told me that everything had a red tint to it, and at some point that night we visited a nearby lake, where he, at 5 in the morning, in September, stripped to his boxers and swam in the lake, for which i found out later was 'because the lake was the only thing that wasn't red, and i just had to be in it') He halfway understands what happened that night. But the ripples of the effects of the acid left me with so much confusion and awareness, that i began to change radically.
So the trip was over, and life goes on, with the complication of having a new awareness, i set out to continue my plans and goals for my future.
Unfortunately, it was'nt that easy. Smoking weed was a very highly regarded pasttime for me, i loved the herb, and it loved me, but after that trip, every single time i got high, i felt half like i did on the acid, but halfway different. I would smoke exactly one hit from a pipe, and feel exactly how i would feel if i had smoked a nic with a bong, no shit! i would get extremely high, extremely easily, and i did'nt understand it. i would come close to having a fallout every single time i hit just one time.
For those who don't know what i mean by fallout; i mean that i would experience the symptoms of an O.B.E.(out of body experience) My vision, better, my perception would shake left to right, with the speed increasing, as if the shaking were building enough momentum for a certain part of me to just take flight and exit.
I would come to new and different realizations about everything and everyone around me, even the entire universe, the possibilities of my awareness seemed so unlimited, yet i was completely terrified of it. It was as though i had stripped down all the viels of my conditioning, and i was completely honest with myself about everything i percieved, so i recieved a whole and infinite understanding of everything. As if i was an infant, or prehistoric man. impulses to do things also became stronger, i became jumpy and unpredictable, even to myself.
So i quit smoking for SIX months! and i was completely sober, and all was well. But one night, as i was sitting on this very computer, the 'sickness' crept upon me, and my vision blurred whenever i turned my head or shifted my eyes, i started to get that feeling in my groin that you get when you trip, and my thoughts, along with my heart, were racing faster than i could keep up.
I figured it would go away
For the next three days i experienced this, i could'nt drive, work, or do anything. I became increasingly afraid that something was seriously wrong with me i.e.: a tumor, etc. So i made an appointment at the doctor's office. I went in, and i explained everything to him ( i might have left out the fact that when i had this 'sober-trip' that my left pupil was dialated, while the right was normal at all times)
He said that he was unsure about what was going on, we discussed the possibility of a flashback that turned into a permatrip(after the tumor was ruled out) and that it was possible with some people to experience 'hypersensitivity' whenever something s that causes shock occurs. Hypersensitivity meaning that all senses are improved.
He determined that that's what it was, and i just needed something to slow my mind down, and help with stress, i asked about the fact that marijuana usually does that for me, but he then told me that sometimes you build a tolerance to specific parts of the drug, and specific parts of the drug have their tolerences broken down. Kind of like cofee, or cigaretts.
So basically, what it came down to, and this is just my rendition of the phrase, but i sincerely feel that i have pried open my third eye, and i can never close it again.
The drug, that i took for 2 weeks, and then returned to normal, helped me to realize that i have two levels unto which i can percieve the world, one consists of the situation at hand, and the other pertains to the infinity that is always around us, and within us. I have been happy to stick with the first, because the latter is competely horrifying to me, but sometimes, that other side, which i have come to referr to as 'the sickness' creeps up and takes a hold of me, unto which i have designed many specific meditation techniques that have worked for me when i needed to get out of the hole my mind was digging.
I am trying as hard as i can to decide if this is a gift or a curse. And i have also tried as hard as i could to try to diminish the fear, so one day, i can utilize this tool.
Anyhow, i feel like this is a good ending, but i still feel as though i have'nt even scratched the surface of this, i'm sorry, but i am tired, and, ironically, i feel the 'sickness' creeping up on me again, i must sleep, thank you, and goodnight.
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