Citation: psillyme. "A Battle With the False Ego: An Experience with 4-AcO-DMT (exp98611)". Erowid.org. Mar 4, 2020. erowid.org/exp/98611
Some background about me. I am 27 and have been active in the drug culture since the age of 17. It started out with alcohol, then weed. I never really smoked a lot of weed until I started growing it at the age of 20. At the age of 21, I started down a dark road of heavy alcohol abuse, which ended with me becoming a felon and serving a tiny bit of jail time, how lucky I was. After this, the drinking only got much worse. By the age of 23 I had tried coke once, and mushroom dozens of times, as my evil twin grew them. Then came along little miss Molly. She fell into my hands by chance, and changed my life mostly for the better.
By this time, at the age of 24, my drinking mellowed out a little, only to pick back up as I started doing coke consistently. My drinking habit became several times a week, with blow, sometimes pills, and of course weed. The drinking got to a point where I just kept making bad decisions, so I hung my hat in August of 2009 and have never looked back. With alcohol gone, I took to opiates, a little coke (Despite not really liking it), and other Rx's. Then the pills chilled out, and the coke ceased. But along came little Miss Molly, after 1.5 years of searching. Had a blast for about a month, taking it too often, but I figured what the hell. The following year, 2011, I came across some incredible acid, and some bad MDMA. A bunch of people and I were to go to a festival and Bliss Flip, but the carnival/ electronic music festival got canceled so we took our doses at home. Holy Buddha, was that an incredible experience.
So, a summary of drugs taken: Alcohol, weed (Medicinal, and natural), coke, Gabapentin, Vicodin, Methadone, Percocet, Heroin, Morphine, OC, OP, various anti anxiety medications and muscle relaxers, MDMA, MDA, LSD, tried LSA but I must've not extracted it properly, N2O, 4-AcO-DMT, Mushrooms, and probably a few others.
So, one day I come across what seemed like an awesome concept online, and decided to purchase some 4-Aco-DMT after reading some awesome reports about it. During this time I was at the tail end of regular drug use (IE several times a week, various substances) as I was just getting tired of being taken advantage of and lied to by others in the drug community, and I felt the end of that part of my life was pretty much done. I have held to my word pretty well, and have only done a few things since that time, and at this point it has been 8 months.
On the day I decided to ingest it, it was nice and sunny on the West Coast at the end of April. I weighed it out to make sure I wasn't shorted, which I was by about 5mg. In the process of doing so, I wasn't being very careful and knocked some onto the carpet. So, I stooped down to recover as much as I could with a saliva covered finger.; the taste wasn't all that bad from what I recall. I went on a walk with my girlfriend when I started to notice a small change in perception. I thought to myself, “if such a small amount is going to do this, I am excited to see what a full dose will do”.
I wait for my lady to leave for work, prepare my setting with psychill music, a clean room, take a shower, etc.. I take it and sit down to meditate and clear my mind. As I sit there, I realized that my body starts buzzing. This buzz grows exponentially, but rather slowly over the course of about what was approximately 20 minutes. Before I knew it, the substance had taken ahold of me entirely, and I surrendered. The rushes of buzzes was very intense, to the point I felt like I was being vibrated from the inside out. It started out excellently, but as it kicked in more, I realized how EXTREMELY clear headed I was, which was very bizarre. On top of this, there were barely ANY visuals. This experience was very mental, as well as physical in the physical sensation sense. I attempted to regain control of where my trip was going, but I knew better, so I just laid there. I laid there for about 2 hours while this new chemical pounded and pounded on my psyche, and what I realized later was my false Ego.
It is difficult to explain what happened, but if you bear with me, I will do my best. As I lay there I journeyed through my mind at blinding speed, watching my thoughts, ideas of mySelf and others, what I thought I knew, and much else shatter before my very “eyes”. Things that I had hidden from mySelf were forced into the forefront of my mind, and I was therefore forced to ponder it, until the chemical grabbed my attention and ushered me elsewhere in my mind. (Unless you have experienced something like this, it is very difficult to grasp the extremely strange sensation and absolute sense of helplessness that one feels when an event like this occurs. I was comatose as a foreign substance has its way with my mind)
As the tearing away of the layers continued, I was unable to do anything but lay completely still, enthralled, helpless, mildly anxious, and dumbfounded by the experience. To top of the barrage of attacks on my psyche, I was extremely clear headed and OEV-less, which for a psychedelic was very abnormal for me, especially after reading others' reports on the substance. There were some CEV's, but only images of thoughts.
After my experience, I had a farewell dose of mushrooms, and cleaned up almost entirely. While my Spirit still suffered as I continued a standstill in my Spiritual evolution, my False Ego had been revealed to me, and I discovered that it was quite active in my Life. The strange thing about the False Ego is that, once I started recognizing its sly ways, I could begin to control it and ultimately render it useless, therefore freeing my mind from just one man made illusion.
At this point in time, I have regained my place on my Spiritual evolution (Even though technically we are always on this path) and have become ever more aware of my False Ego. My drug use is non existent about 98% of the time. Since April, I have taken gabapentin a few times, an INSANELY LARGE pod dose (30 good sized papaver somniferum pods, with ***NO*** opiate tolerance. I don't know why, but my opiate tolerance is INSANE. And yes, I am absolutely positive what they were), MDMA twice, mushrooms once, and vicodin once. I will never again touch mushrooms, and never again will I recreationally take opiates, as they just don't work like they used to. After NYE I will probably never touch Mdxx again as well. As I progress Spiritually, I find less and less need and want for drugs in my Life, as I love being sober now. Drugs will always have a place in my heart, as they have drastically shaped me into who I am, and I love who I am. (A dramatic change from 4 years ago when I was suicidal and despised all that existed but Gaia)
All psychedelic substances should be treated with respect and care. They can teach us much, as they change the operating frequency of our consciousness, thus allowing our minds to comprehend and receive information that would otherwise be nearly impossible to receive. We are all beautiful Souls here for a purpose. While I personally don't find my experiences with drugs a waste, except coke, I feel that using substances like heroin, crack, cocaine, PCP, etc. are a waste. Please excuse any offense, but this is simply my view.
In peace, Love and Unity, I wish all that come across this report absolute beauty and fulfillment in their life. <3
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