Citation: Sitter User. "More Therapy Than I Bargained For: An Experience with MDMA (exp99279)". Erowid.org. Sep 18, 2019. erowid.org/exp/99279
Notes: I know the pill is pure mdma because it is tested by ecstacydata. I will not comment further on how I know the quantity of substance, but it is accurate. Half the pill was consumed on an empty stomach. I define 'rolling' as the part of the high where you're not really concerned or aware of the outside world. The ethereal pleasure, peak, of the high.
An old friend of mine was on many antidepressants in her youth, but has been completely drug free for many years. She was always quiet back when I used to talk to her, and that hadn't changed much. She moved to another country, so I didn't talk much to her for several years. She came back home for a few months. I thought, now that we have grown up, I can suggest for her to try some drugs to explore her mind, and hopefully help her out of this perpetual melancholy state of mind. I floated the idea of her trying MDMA with the thought that it might help her get over some childhood issues
I floated the idea of her trying MDMA with the thought that it might help her get over some childhood issues
(parents divorce, neglect). I provided her with some basic knowledge and to think about it. I left it at that. A few weeks later, I got a call from her, with slightly more distress in her voice. Her friend died hang gliding.
As I write this, I realize that I should have taken a more rational position when she asked to do the mdma, given the circumstances. I was excited to share the love. Anyway, she asked, and I told her ok, to prepare her body. Basics like fully pre-hydrate, pre-load anti oxidants, eat minimally the day of.
A few days after the experience, she showed me something she wrote about the experience. I asked her if I could submit it in an experience report. It is at the end of this report, exactly as written, submitted with permission.
First, I will write briefly about my experience as the sitter.
Setting: Cool (65F) Room, Sitting on a couch, listening to electronic music.
T 0: Half a pill, sublingual for ~60 seconds, then swallowed with water.
T 0:35: Nervousness in the hands.
[I explain to her what the come up feels like. The intensity of the 'rolling' aspect of the high, not to worry, and just embrace whats about to happen. I say this with the knowledge that she tends to control and over think situations]
T 1:00-2:00: No external response. I feel her jaw muscle twitching frantically.
[This lack of response is slightly alarming to me. I ask her how she's doing, and on the inside I am freaking out, but I remain calm.
I ask her how she's doing, and on the inside I am freaking out, but I remain calm.
I KNOW nothing should be going wrong. After about 5 minutes, I realize to change how I'm talking, and to stop worrying myself. I instruct her to nod her head to some yes or no questions. And, yes, I get a micro (1mm of movement) nod. So I proceed to say that she's rolling. Don't fight it. You're fine. Detailing how shes probably feeling her heart beat, that sensation of her mind physically being overwhelmed]
T 2:00-3:00: Minimal movement curled up on the couch, No verbal response at all. Extremely intense nystagmus when her eyes open. Grabs my hands, interlocked. Stares into my eyes. Doesn't let go of my hand. Sometimes shaking her head, as one does when judging something. She does this when not looking at me.
[I can see when she opens her eyes that she does not like the eye wiggles. She slams her eyes shut as one would in displeasure the moment the wiggles start. Shes still not talking, not a peep. I see that she is more conscious of her surroundings. I continue to talk her through what she's experiencing. Most of the time it feels like shes not hearing me, but I feel her body/hands react to my words. I give her some Kandi (pony bead bracelets) and preach a little about how we all want love and are lonely, teach about PLUR. Now, we're cruising. The peak of the roll is done, but she's still rolling. Some times when I walk away to get water, or something, she reaches for me like a needy child, with a desperate look in her eyes. Other times, shes not even aware of me once I let go of her hand. The intensity and prolonged nature of this part of the high makes me worry that she is one those hyper-sensitive people. Nevertheless, she is responsive, and improving.]
T 3:00-5:00: Nothing exceptional worth noting. Still has not spoken one word. Not even so much as a moan, or a grunt.
[I speak to her, and she writes in a notebook. We talk like this for while. Nothing particularly deep. She asks about the eye wiggles, and how long they are going to last. She asks a few questions of curiosity, but mostly we are just hanging out, cuddling.]
Among the things she wrote during the experience were: 'I trust you', 'I couldn't have done this without you', 'thank you'
One thing I never realized until this experience is how drastically the environment influences the experience. I've only taken mdma at shows/festivals, and I never could have imagined somebody wanting to lay down the entire time.
Later she told me that 'you knew what I was going to feel before I felt it', this contributed to her anxiety during the experience due to the perceived loss of control, she explained.
Today I did something I never thought I would do. For reasons beyond my current mental status I have put rules + barriers up around almost everything I do, in a haphazard attempt to be perfect.
Today I got the chance to maybe shuffle through some of the things that I have kept locked inside me.
Things I really want: Human contact. Nothing intimate just love.
Things I hate about myself:
-How needy I am
-How weak I am
-How much I hate myself
-What I look like
-My inability to trust anyone
-Being [too] serious to have fun
Things I need to let go of:
-The boys who hurt me
-my family who doesn't understand
-a world I can't fix
My name is [Redacted], I am 23 years old. I am afraid of more things than I can count, falling in love being number one.
I hate myself + the way I act. I hate that most of my actions lead me to feeling guilty [My Thoughts: this why she was shaking her head, judging herself] + that I apologize for everything even stuff I shouldn't have to.
Sometimes I think other people know me better than I know myself.
Thinks I know about myself.
-I push people away
-Good or bad, I'll fight tooth + nail for things/people I care about regardless of the consequences
-I know my life will be meaningless if I can't change someone else's for the better.
-I have no idea what I am doing
-I worry even when I shouldn't
-I love orange
[Her writing about the experience]
In the beginning, I could feel my body changing slowly, and then all of a sudden I was 'gone'. I just kept looking at him to help me. I wanted it to stop, and I could hear myself, telling me everything would be ok. But I couldn't stop fighting. I know I'm supposed to let it take over but I was still fighting. I lost my desire to talk, which for the most part has not come back [she's talking, now]. My eyes + jaw bothered me the most about the whole thing. And I've never wanted to hold someones hand so much in my life.
I was terrified and now I'm sad.
I need to let go...so for my sake for my own life I am going to try to just accept that I am scared, lonely + way too passionate for my own good. You can't change who you are you can only embrace the bits you like + move on.
I don't want to be frigid (?) [remaining text illegible]
I just want to trust someone + know they trust me back
I want to be loved for things other than my body + sex.
I think it's time to let go.
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