DOSE: T+ 0:00	1 g	oral	Cannabis	(edible / food)
T+ 6:30	50 mg	oral	MDMA	(pill / tablet)
T+ 8:30	50 mg	oral	MDMA	(pill / tablet)

BODY WEIGHT:

75 kg

My good friend N and I have discussed the use of drugs as tools multiple times and have decided to test every drug that has a spiritual benefit in a suitable, safe and comfortable setting at least once.

15:30
My good friend N and I eat a space cookie. It is our first time edibles, each cookie contains 1g. As I have no experience with psychedelics other than some moments of extreme clarity under higher doses of cannabis I am very euphorically waiting for unknown effects such as visual distortions, weird sound experiences and altered thought process. While waiting N leans back in a comfy chair. The euphoric energy doesn't allow me to sit still, I'm singing and dancing. It is a great day, perfect set and setting, we had waited for weeks for this day and are very happy to spend time with each other.

16:30
Still no notable effects on me, I feel extremely euphoric, almost as if I'm up to a great enterprise. My good friend N is being overwhelmed as he doesn't smoke cannabis as frequently as me (one joint with 0,25g nearly every evening, sometimes higher doses, depending on mood and difficulty processing daytime experiences).

17:00
I ask N for mind updates every now and then as he seems to be tripping in the depths of the chair. He begins to become very dull, doesn't talk much however is not uncomfortable at all. I grow a slight confusion over his state as I really want him to feel good. He describes a strong body high and cannot keep up with anything I say or show him. I am the complete opposite as I experience a regular cerebral high, not nearly as strong as my daily sessions, just very creative, laughing and imitating a lot. N enjoys my show. We laugh a lot. We get to the kebab store in the hood.

17:30
I feel N is introverted but in a positive mood. He ensures me once more that my insecurity about him not talking as much is just part of his character and nothing to worry about. We really enjoy our strong friendship and talking about serious stuff openly.
Inside the kebab store N develops a growing paranoia, feeling of nudity, no protection. I ask him if he still wants to drink a tea or rather go home to which he cannot formulate a precise answer. As I sense he is uncomfortable in a public setting we pay and leave.

20:00
We still experience an ongoing cannabis high that is turning more and more into a stonedness. As the munchies have gotten to us we force ourselves to go out and eat burgers.

21:30
The high is gone, now that we have eaten 2 burgers plus fries each we feel very heavy and the way back home feels endless. In our conversations we loop over personal issues as well as fear of emptiness. We decide that we have a good life and a right for doubt as long as it does not dictate us and are very happy. We solve these same anxieties multiple times and each time we feel like having found more strength inside us.

21:45
I remind him of the fact that we could share an ecstasy pill tonight and if we feel like it, go to town and party there. N who I have considered hypersensitive is surprisingly filled with confidence in our set and setting and I tell him for the first time how grateful I am that we are friends no matter what. The snow looks wonderful, everything outside looks bright, it is as if we are getting naturally high again.

22:00
We get comfortable, I break up a pill (200mg of pure MDMA), then break up one half into quarters. We have informed ourselves about the substance intensively over the course of the last couple of months. We remind ourselves that it is only a very light dose, the pill is tested, reviewed, clean and nothing can really go wrong because we are friends. I swallow my quarter and have no regrets, it feels as if there is no time, no past, no future, just now, I never had such great euphoria in my life ever.
The pill tastes very bitter. I'm lighting 4 candles and turn off the pc. A minute later I turn it back on.

22:30
I'm extremely uneasy in a positive way, just like earlier that day we put on some hardstyle, I dance and keep talking hyperactively while N is leaning back once again. Right now I'm talking so fast that I'm gasping for air in between my sentences. My thought process is very clear and I'm experiencing the strongest mood lift so far in my life. Negative thoughts make no sense and are discarded immediately, I am dancing and we talk about the substance and negative side effects that we don't want, positive effects that we want.

0:30
We have no negative side effects and extreme euphoria. I have no visual effects whatsoever so I swallow the second quarter and so does N. I feel like coming up is getting way more intense. Now I am walking around in the room uneasily and keep looking into corners, at walls and candles and look outside the balcony window. It is so bright outside, a sea of snow, I mention to N that if it was cotton wool I would jump into it and cuddle it and enjoy the good energy. I can only focus on things or ideas for a very short amount of time before I jump to the next. Sometimes I take a deep breath and sit down for a second only to get up right away and reason my strange behavior. N seems to be unimpressed by me and enjoys the moment of coming up.

1:00
No visual effects, no hallucinations whatsoever but I can't focus anymore. I have no idea what I look like now so I take a look into the mirror and I don't understand what I'm seeing. My eyes are very big and my pupils dilated to a point where the iris is only 2mms. I keep looping over how sorry I am that I have negative thoughts about N sometimes and that I am creeping him out with my eyes. N says that my insecurities are uncalled for but that information doesn't reach me anymore as my psycho-physical system feels dissociated.

The MDMA is hitting me hard now and I realize that I'm not there anymore, my apartment doesn't feel like home and I cannot relate my face to my identity. It is a very strange experience with full sensual clarity, everything is just as sharp however does not strike me as noticeable but totally natural.

I decide to call my father who picks up quickly. I tell him I'm very sorry to wake him up and I have taken two quarters of an ecstasy pill and that I didn't exist anymore which I found positive. The only statement I can agree to in this state is 'We are the World'. My father has the most calming and serious reply I can think of: 'Ah ok. Nice. Then I wish you two a nice time, are you alone?'

I repeat two more times how sorry I am to wake him up but that I just had to hear his voice. I now understand how important that call was while I'm breaking out in panicked laughter about my father's deep remark. My mood is very positive, my mind clear, the situation feels perfect even although I immediately regret the call because I have very hard looping doubts about my self. I stand by the balcony door and start talking. I explain to N how important my father is to me to which I add how we are each others father and son at the same time. N seconds that and we are happy and superexcited.

The feeling of egolessness creates such lucid impression of enormous interest in the world. This is a great chance, we want to find out more! I give my keys to N and beg him to go outside with me so he would go up the stairs and enter the apartment as if it was his, premise: I don't exist. He finds it amusing that during his moment of coming up I request such a creepy thing but does it nonetheless. N is full of euphoria and excitement as he enters his apartment. I'm moving around as if floating and whisper to him tips such as not to forget to close the door and turn off the light in the corridor.

1:15
Now I experience intense flushing, my brain and face are showered in warm energy. Perspiration for me is on maximum level, my hands are cold and wet, sweat is dripping from my forehead for 30 seconds, then it's gone for good somehow. N has no such effects, he describes his state as warm, clear and connected to the atmosphere in this room. I ask N to hold me like a little child and tell me who this person is that I don't feel I am anymore.

We lay down in my bed, that usually is taboo for anyone. I even have difficulties taking girls to this place. It's a stock bed that I have had ever since I was 3 and that I have shared with my father during phases of inner family conflicts and crisis. This place is a retreat for me and holy.

1:00-5:00
I feel that there is no greater thing to do now than talk about our identities and friendship while lying in the bed hugging. Ironically we only realize now how much identity we are gaining back because the initial ego was broken up and revealed its inner nature. We are talking about how much we mean to each other as friends and that none of our social insecurities has any meaning if deep inside we feel love for each other and the world. This is the most beautiful moment in our young lives. We thank ecstasy, life and our selves that we allowed for it to happen tonight.

Whenever one of us leaves to get something to drink, go to the toilet or check the pc the situation is reset and we hold hands lay down somewhere else hug in the middle of the room, it is wonderful. I try to force myself to eat a few chips over the course of the night which bears tremendous difficulty as my appetite is dead, even a little piece takes ages to chew and swallow. I am delightful to say: no clenching, teeth grinding or tightened jaw.

We feel such great insight in our emotions, everything makes sense now in hindsight, we continue to talk about great energy of love, how special our friendship was and who we know would be capable of such moment. We conclude: every living thing wants to be in perfect harmony with its surrounding.

We go to bed. We both have closed eye visuals ressembling lines, dots and chaotic bright structures that are too fast to process. We fall asleep. N falls asleep rather quick while I still overcome many of my subconscious fears and insecurities. I only sleep for 1-2 hours.

When we wake up we are very tired. Our pupils are still dilated, almost as if we were high on cannabis just without the red eyes. We feel a slight depression, hangover-like feeling as if it was a typical sunday. With great enthusiasm we part and try to take away as much positive as we can from this experience through the party drug ecstasy that struck us as a family cure.

Exp Year: 2013	ExpID: 99392
Gender: Male
Age at time of experience: 25
Published: Jan 21, 2025	Views: Not Supported
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MDMA (3), Cannabis (1) : Small Group (2-9) (17), Relationships (44), Combinations (3)