Citation: Malaclemys. "Shift of Perspective and a Broken Universe: An Experience with Ketamine (exp99700)". Erowid.org. Dec 28, 2018. erowid.org/exp/99700
||(powder / crystals)
||(powder / crystals)
I must start off by saying that what I did should be considered stupid and irresponsible. Please, do try to take more precaution when using any drug, if not for your health, then for the good of the experience itself. I don't regret my actions, but I could have been a bit more careful.
I think it would be wise to share some of the events leading up to this experience (the set and setting, if you will). It was a very hot and heavy summer when I decided in a spur of the moment to hitchhike my way to a somewhat nearby techno music festival. This was one week after a good mushroom trip that seeded a great openness to everything in me. I left, with a very good friend, early in the morning and spent the whole day, until about 10pm (the approximate time at which we reached the destination) on the road. Now, at the end of the day, rather exhausted but quite happy, we decided it was time to get a random psychedelic substance.
As fate would have it, Ketamine was the easiest to acquire, as we did not want a mild experience, but a full-blown, possibly break-through one. We were told that half a gram would be enough for both of us, so that is what we ended up with. Now, take it from me that you should not put your trust about dosage in strangers. Half a gram is actually just about enough to completely sedate us (also, note my weight), but we didn't figure that out until a few days later when we looked up some charts.
T + 0:00
This was our first time with Ketamine, so we both decided to just draw a small line and try it out before doing the full thing. The small lines took about ten minutes to make both of us feel a bit drunk and I, for one, found some appreciation of the contrast between the big mountains versus small people and bright moon versus dark sky. A decision was made that the rest of the substance had a green light - all of it at once. In retrospect, this was another mistake out of poor judgement, as this drug allegedly has varying effects in different dosages and we didn't know of anything except some reports of the 'K-Hole'. The guy who basically set us up with the drug asked for a small line and we were happy to let him have it (A small line probably about 50mg).
T + 0:15
I, rather heroically, snorted my full portion at once. The sting, drip and its taste were bearable, but I'm usually not one to complain. My friend divided his powder into two lines and snorted one at the same time I did, then waited two minutes before snorting the other. We sat down, relaxed, fulfilled and full of anticipation.
T + 0:25
Is this it? We're both feeling drunk and there is something else to it, but it's nothing too exciting. Could we end up disappointed?
T + 0:30
We knew it was a large dose, but when was it going to take hold? The small lines needed 10 minutes or less to reach their full effect, while it's been about fifteen minutes and we're not feeling much more. Impatient, yes, but why would it take longer? Is this it?
T + 0:35
The last thing I remembered was wondering when something was going to happen. I don't know when it happened, I didn't notice it, but no part of me was sober now. The universe was broken, it was a paradox. I was looking at it from outside and with a rather positive nihilism I concluded that it 'would' (as in, I knew that I usually live in a linear manner, moving forward through the fourth dimension, but knowing that everything, in a sense, has already happened) begin and end without any sort of meaning to it. Life, on the other hand, is a gift. We can be anything we want and we do have hormones that make us feel good, we are curious, there are experiences which make us happy. Let us live and not really care if anything is left of us in the end. I remember getting up and realizing that I had been tripping for some time now, because I caught a glimpse of normal, everyday, waking reality.
Now, my trip itself is very hard to describe, because one of its characteristics was that it was fluid, constantly changing, as if one moment I was on the ground, the other I was in the stars and after that everything moved in the fifth dimension, leaving a trail in the fourth behind it. I was wondering if I was moving, or was everything else doing it.
T + 0:45
My friend was walking around in a funny manner, asking all the other people who were walking around in a funny manner for a tissue. I humorously reminded myself of a certain Monty Python sketch. It was funny how I remembered something from that life, which was so meaningless compared to this, which was so all-encompassing.
From this point on I can not provide you with time marks, as I am really unsure of the sequence of events. Some things happened, some other things happened, but none of them happened one after or before the other.
I was lying on the ground, looking at the stars. Some crazy sounds were present, like music, but it really wasn't music. I remember voices and it seems like they were in some sort of loop, but not like if they were repeating. It was more like we had broken time. Everything (and I do mean everything) was happening at once and in one place. I was everything. Everything that is, which in our everyday reality would include everything that was, everything that is and everything that will be. It seemed... Odd. Everything seemed like it is impossible to be like that, but it is.
I have experience with some psychedelics and while my memories from them are clear and strange, this memory still rings the 'wrong' bell in my head. Even the memory of it can't exist, but it does.
I remember that all this time I was looking up at the stars (they were very, very bright that night) and I didn't seem to have a focal point. I saw the whole canvas and even some things around me. Nothing was a blur. Looking back, this was probably the first symptom of ego-death I remember, because I didn't exactly 'see' everything, yet still I knew 'where' it was, how it looked, how many photons were bouncing off of it and what distance it was from my body, even though those things were not in my sight.
I somehow moved to our tent to see if some sense deprivation (closing my eyes, less sound, less cold) would further this experience. During my silly attempts at walking, I felt a little bit sober and noticed my friend was puking. My mouth was numb (same with my whole body), but I still asked him if he was okay and he said that even though he was puking, it felt like he's just opening his junk hatch and letting the bad things out. It wasn't in any way causing him discomfort.
In the tent, I disappeared. There was no longer 'me' and, with that, there was no longer a tent, a field or anything at all. To put that into a concept would be difficult, but if I had to, I would say that without a conscious observer to give something a name and concept, differentiate it from the rest of the world, it would not exist as anything, because it is the world itself. A stick is not a stick, but something completely different, until you name it and set borders with your concept of it. Maybe this was the void or the k-hole? I don't know, I do not think that relating my experience to something else is a good idea.
Maybe this was the void or the k-hole? I don't know, I do not think that relating my experience to something else is a good idea.
I remember coming down. Things existed again. My friend was on the grass right outside of the tent and I was thinking that it wouldn't really matter if we died and it wouldn't be that bad at all. That is actually the day my fear of death left me. I do avoid it, but I am not afraid. He was still puking and I somehow managed to (almost coherently) ask him if he was okay. My mouth still didn't work properly. He was okay. We repeated that a couple of times for some reason, sounding somewhat like a broken record of two very concerned about each other drunks, and then he went inside, closed off the tent and we fell asleep, hoping that we would be sober in the morning.
When I woke up in the morning, I was still somewhat 'tipsy', but it was pleasant, because the sunlight had a bit of a golden glow, I wasn't tired at all and we easily walked a few miles to the nearest store for food.
My vision was not so sharp for the next few days (I usually have excellent sight), I still felt a little off, my nose was stuffed and when I sniffed harder I could taste Ketamine drip. The next day I realized that there was still some powder left in my nose and wondered how I didn't see that sooner, as my nose had been feeding me small doses of the drug in evenly spread-out intervals for two days. So, my tip is, if you're planning on doing Ketamine, plan on bringing tissues.
The trip was overall good, but the general consensus between me and my friend was that we're not eager to do it ever again, as it has shown us what it needs to, but left us a bit worn-out and very, VERY confused
it has shown us what it needs to, but left us a bit worn-out and very, VERY confused
My friend had a similar experience, although one thing was that he remembers the need to ask me something, but failing to understand who I am, what 'I' means and then he ended up asking himself something, as he considered that it was appropriate, since he was me.
To sum up the feeling of it, it wasn't fun, it didn't bring pleasure, but it did feed my curiosity and did affirm my already strong belief that the mind is capable of lots more than we think. After that we had lots of jokes about how sudden the onset was and how wrong everything seemed. To be honest, the laughter we had on behalf of the trip was probably one of the best things about it.
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