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The Ups and Downs of Our Sexual Voyages
Methamphetamine
by sierrazulu
Citation:   sierrazulu. "The Ups and Downs of Our Sexual Voyages: An Experience with Methamphetamine (exp99953)". Erowid.org. Mar 11, 2019. erowid.org/exp/99953

 
DOSE:
50 mg oral Methamphetamine (powder / crystals)

BODY WEIGHT: 90 kg


This 'experience report' about crystal meth won't be short. The reason for it, that personally I think meth cannot be judged by one 'trip'. There are several sad stories proving this, but mine is different - but this doesn't change the fact that this is a very interesting substance and in a way it's much more complex than a pure psychedelic.

My (our) background: I had/have a long lasting relationship with LSD and I know it (and myself) very much. I also have decent knowledge about MDMA (which I sometimes see as the emotional counterpart of LSD). I introduced my wife into the world of psychedelics gradually, taking baby steps, because I had some bad experience (but never a bad trip) I wanted her to avoid. Successfully. :)

But speed (sometimes I just call it like this instead of meth) was new to both of us. I had some idea about it by reading forums and she had some internet friends using it regularly, so we knew some of the 'common pitfalls' to avoid. Plus we are not kids anymore, have some responsibilities toward ourselves and towards our family (don't want to mention specifics for privacy reason). So we knew we have to be and will be strong. Our relationship is very strong (sometimes I feel it's stronger than the bonds inside an atom), and our life is pretty much a 'dream story' so far, so 'tripping' is not meant to be a 'hole-filler' or 'do-it-instead-of-facing-the-real-problems'.

Our first session was actually quite 'common': after ingesting 50mgs of crystal meth and waiting for 15-20 minutes, my mind and body became very clear, very mental - for me it was like using LSD but without the sometimes disturbing mental twirl - we both told long forgotten stories from our pasts and discussed some tiny 'secrets', which might seems ridiculous to others, but we really don't want to have any secrets between us - even subconscious or past related ones.

Our mind connected: I was thirsty, she brought me water. Touching skin was a miracle, like touching velvet. My wife actually got in a very sexy mood, and we did a lot sex-related things, except the intercourse part - as normally usual for men while on speed: physically I was 'incapable', but I bursted with sexual energies - I could feel every 'wave' of her and in my mind I 'came' every time she did. (Sorry about the detailed sexual description, but this became actually very important for us while using this substance.)

We didn't feel tiredness, the sun came up on us and I was like 'whoa, this is THE THING, it should be spread in the world'. I told my two closest friends about it, that they should try it 'NOW'.

Then the 'day after' came. As usual with meth users, we started to feel low and tired mentally, but couldn't sleep. Sat like a zombies in front of the TV, doing only 'mandatory' things in the household. It wasn't 'unbearable', but we could feel the 'heaviness' of the stuff.

Then the 'second day after' came too. It was shocking for me. My mind didn't listen to me. Actually, I was standing in the background in disbelief, watching me acting like a person in depression with some anger waves. I told this to the friends above too, not that they had anything in mind; I just wanted to be responsible...

The strangest thing about this material is how 'forgetting' it could be. Another day passed and I completely ignored the 'hangover' and felt fine for another session. Which we did a couple of days later - with the same amount. Result: probably because of the tolerance build-up, it was very weak - not that we didn't enjoy it, but it was almost like a snap on the face: 'Hey, you wanted it too early, you got THIS.'

And this is the other thing with speed: it's not 'lying'. It's so honest, I think people are not prepared enough for this - and they think some part of the trip is 'just them', or 'the circumstances'. No, it's actually the crystal.

We had been thinking a lot after this. We could clearly see two options we have: use more -say weekly, or use less often with a lot of preparation and care. The first option was out of question. We knew even though we might achieve the same 'level' with more milligrams, it wouldn't be the same experience (like having Christmas every weekend - it would ruin the whole festivity). Plus, I knew I couldn't keep the pace with a weekly 'three day hangover'. If someone thinks is able, (s)he is lying to him/herself.

We also felt immediately after first trip, that this thing is like 'playing a bit with the devil'. It's harsh to compare with heroin (mostly because we didn't try that and will not either), but we knew this is not a forgiving material - it 'controls' us in some way - which is pleasurable, but if we gave more control, we could be dissolved in it completely.

So we made the first rule. It might sound strange, but somehow I knew I am the weaker in this, so I was very strict: even though we thought 2-3 weeks is enough to 'clear our mind', I said 'once every month'. And never go beyond the initial 50mgs on purpose.

So we waited. This was actually a bit harder for me. I never smoked, never craved anything, but now I felt what 'craving' means. It wasn't that bad, actually it was a decent experience for myself, how my body and mind is connected, and how 'I' should and can control it. But still... it's worth mentioning.

For the next session we prepared like we used to prepare to other trips: not expecting anything, fill ourselves with positive things and attitude and let the things flow. This might sound great, but during this and the next session, we had learnt something about meth the hard way:

The activities, the 'speed trip' is easy to control. It's so easy, I think people believe 'it will be alright', or protective, if they let it go, like in case of MDMA. But it's not. As I told before, speed is honest - if you're honest to yourself. Speed says: you can do anything, what you want - if you REALLY want it. But you have to ask the question yourself: 'do I really want it?' 'Does it add anything to me if I do or want this or that?'

Speed can also be a very simple material - compared to e.g. LSD. We looked for spiritual experience in it, but most of that was gone after the material cleared out from our body. Not that we forgot what we did - but we wasn't able to recall a lot of 'feelings' and 'motives' we felt during the trips. As an example: at one point my wife felt she received a gift, which feeds her with a kind of infinite energy and it 'won't go away' anymore (actually, some part of every trip contained a 'whoa, what if this is not going to end?' :D). I also felt her sensation and could understand this - but after two days, this was just a mental memory imprint with none of the actual 'infiniteness' behind it.

So we learned another thing: this is not for 'building our ego', or 'learning about the universe'. This is for 'us', for our happiness. To share our feelings, our thoughts and sometimes our body. We have to 'record' every part of it as precise as possible, like taking pictures during a holiday.

So we ended up trying to control the 'fun' part. And as I said, because speed does not interfere with our intentions, it did let us doing that. We went for enjoying sex again - as usual, and hell, it was good. I consider myself a straight, but open male, so we discovered there are OTHER means of reaching climax than using my penis... so we had sex in every possible way and posture we could - almost ALL NIGHT. We tried things we only imagined in the backyard of our mind, and now it came forward (but we didn't do anything not wanted by both parties).

At the end (meaning: when morning came) it was almost painful to do anything 'down below', but we were still doing it. We 'crawled' through the day just to jump onto each other. Normally, my 'manliness' is operating fine after 7-8 hours taking the hit, but I was so exhausted, I couldn't do much the next night. I WANTED to have more, without recognizing what we really want: love, caressing, tenderness, and real satisfaction. We were so wasted, the whole THIRD day was a disaster. I almost passed out because of dehydration and lack of eating and was terrified myself how fragile my body can be...

Needless to say, it was a screwed weekend. It was so bad, we almost said this is worthless and we should 'stop' - however technically we were not 'addicts', so instead of 'stopping' we meant 'never use again this shit'.

But we felt there was something else went wrong. We concentrated so much on doing things, that we didn't even FEEL the meth itself: the smooth waves it could give, the real connection between us and those true enjoyments - when they really come and not forced to strike us.

So we ended up implementing a radical approach. We planned the next session almost as a 'guided tour' - except we were the guides as well. We set the starting date, leaving enough time to recover after it. We also planned not to feel guilty about the 'hangover day' - everyone needs some rest once in a while. We planned some sexual activities (in general, not too detailed), and told us to leave enough time between climaxes to 'be together' as two souls, to 'only' cuddle and wait until our bodies build up the urge/thirst to do something sexual again. And do it only while it really gives pleasure - watch out for ourselves and each other. To warn ourselves when it becomes 'too fussy', when we just chase the pleasure instead of receiving it. We set the goal to SLEEP the next night, no matter what our 'rushy' mind tells us. I prepared isotonic drinks and bought 'light, but proper' food to consume as a mandatory activity the next day.

And it worked! It was like a miracle. Of course it wasn't 100%, but we managed to stop almost exactly before getting over-exhausted. I was tired but didn't matter that much, because my body was re-energized properly. It was actually funny, that when I started to come down - it was that part of the trip, when I made some mistakes about my 'whereabouts' and intentions - but I could correct them easily.

It seemed so perfect I actually had only one bad thought: if this was so good like this, then maybe we wouldn't be able to enjoy e.g. sex on a 'normal day'? But the second and third day came, and having sex didn't change at all - I was right: when meth left our bodies, it just took the things it brought - not more, not less. Since we love each other and having sex is always a 'one of the best things in our life'-type experience, this didn't change either.

Somehow my cravings reduced a lot. I know I will be able to enjoy these evenings and the way to achieve this is to wait some time - so waiting also could give pleasure. Sometimes I (or we together) just 'dream' about what we'll do - or I recall what we had done. And it makes me smile :)

So all in all, we became 'meth users', but not the way people (unfortunately) use to become. I don't know long it will last, but I'm definitely sure, we are in the position to decide if the time comes when it doesn't give anything special anymore, if we just chase the memories of past feelings - or if it causes harm to us.

We are always on the lookout - we are not forgetting, that we're walking the tightrope here - and not because this is a dangerous material in itself, but because it opens a lot of possibilities we might consider taking but regret doing it later.

So to summarize and to give some advice: speed/meth is not a toy. I wouldn't recommend to anyone, especially not for teenagers or people not knowing themselves well. It could be dangerous (and there are a lot of cases out there proving this!), but it's not the material itself, what's dangerous, but the people who and how use it.

Exp Year: 2013ExpID: 99953
Gender: Male 
Age at time of experience: 36 
Published: Mar 11, 2019Views: 733
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Methamphetamine (37) : General (1), Retrospective / Summary (11), Addiction & Habituation (10), Glowing Experiences (4), Sex Discussion (14), Hangover / Days After (46), Relationships (44), Therapeutic Intent or Outcome (49), Small Group (2-9) (17)

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