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Carrying the Light

teafaerie | Musings | Tuesday, June 27th, 2023

Listen to the spoken word audio:

[Erowid Note: We strongly encourage listening to the audio version before reading the transcription. Spoken word prose-poetry, it’s the best delineation we’ve heard or read that calls out the responsibilities inherent in acute psychedelic facilitation. It’s not only challenging — it’s right. And it’s some brilliant Teafaerie stylin’.]

This is sort of a sequel to Mapping the Source, which was first performed at Exploring Psychedelics in 2016. I got a standing ovation for that one, and they asked me to return to reprise it the following year, but I declined on account of being committed to working psychedelic peer support at a big festival called Lightning in a Bottle in California that weekend.

About a week before the event they wrote to ask me again. I guess they’d had some cancellations. Plus a whole bunch of 5-MeO-DMT practitioners were going to be there. I think that they were expecting another blowjob for that particular subset of the community. I was pretty peeved about the way that 5 was commonly being served up at the time, though, so this is what they got instead.

Much to my surprise I *still* got a standing O when all was said and done! And almost every single one of the practitioners came up to me afterwards and said that they totally agreed with me, and it was a crying shame the way that everybody else was just in it for the money and not really taking enough time with their clients, etc. It was pretty amusing.

I flew back to LAX on Friday night and got a ride straight out to LiB where I totally rocked it with the Zendo Project, too!

This one was really meant to be heard rather than read, so I’m including my favorite audio version, which was recorded by my good friend Tenali a couple of months later at the National Rainbow Gathering in Oregon. I recommend listening to it before you read it, if you are able to do so.


The Teafaerie

Listen to the spoken word audio:

So I’ve been having revelations, revolutions, revoligions about life and time and space and stuff and us an our position in the 5 Methoxy DMT community, and listen – I was *so* not gonna come here. I’d just blocked it from my vision until suddenly a week ago – “Boopdeboop! You’ve got a mission!”

I really really wasn’t coming, cause I am working LiB – And the Zendo Project needs me there by Saturday at 3. And you can bet your bottom buck that I’ll will be there. Yessiree. But you cannot refuse the call once you’ve received it, so – whoopee!

I’ve been feeling some confusion ‘bout collusions and collisions, and conflating my inflation and illusions with the missions. I’ve been evading the debate by never stating a position. But in spite of reservations, I’m revising my decision. I’m resolute. There’s real solutions. We are evolving the tradition.

The five hive has arrived, it’s live, there’s buzzing all around, the game is on, the time is here, the curtains up, the chips are down.

And I’ve been writing since last Thursday trying to make myself sound clever – all of these tight internal rhymes and I was gonna come up here and tell you all off. To your faces. I was gonna call you out. In iambic pentameter. And the crowd was gonna eat it up. And I would make you like it, too. Because I’m an even better egomaniac than you. Ha!

I’m just kidding. No I’m not. I really am. An egomaniac. On the occasional Thursday. But you’re all really beautiful people. As far as I know. And you all do amazing work. As far as I know. And I know. I have worked with a lot of you. I keep my ear to the ground. I keep my heart to the sky. And I am come before you now in true humility. Before the elders in the 5-Meo-DMT and Toad community – before the blessed and courageous carriers of the light, both those here present and those who may be listening to this on the podcast or maybe watching it on youtube. (Hello future people. I hope it’s awesome. In the future.) Well, High Five! We have well and truly done brought this thing through. It’s in the birth canal, at least. It’s coming on like Donkey Kong. And we are the container. We are the seed kernel of a blossoming fractal. We are the microcosm. We are shape of things to come. And as we are, so shall it be. So let us humble ourselves before the Mystery.

I’m not interested in dissing and I haven’t come to smear you, or attack your active practice. That really isn’t why I’m here. But as fast as this is blowing up, in like six month or a year, there’ll be a thousand eager hippies with exciting new careers.

And we cannot deflect the karma, just like we must protect the Toads. If you have catalyzed demand, surprise! It’s time to rise to meet your roads.

We’ll have created lots of monsters who will be only all too glad to maybe moonlight as a shaman since like this 5 things such a fad. I mean there’s money to be made. They could just rake it in like mad. And add to that projected sex appeal… It’s both unstoppable and sad.

If we all can take a stand and pool our wisdom we just might still have a chance to set the standard stance on how to do it right. If the 5 and toad proponents and practitioners unite, We could define the terms of service for those carrying the light.

I’ve been turning my attention to conditioning consensus while collectively reflecting our respect for independence. If we come on too insensitive, intensive, or contentious they will rightfully resent as pretentious and prevent us from fulfilling our intention to extend an invitation because insistence is offensive and resisting condemnation is predictably consistent with persistent observation.

Medicine work is like sex. Nobody likes be told that they’re doing it wrong. And sometimes you end up getting into an very intimite situation with somebody who really sucks. Just a little bit too hard. And, like, has nobody ever told them? And are you gonna tell them? I mean maybe some people… like that. And you don’t want to wound their fwagile little egos.

Irony, far more painful than yours! Speaking of profound and all penetrating mysteries. You see, it turns out that inflation appears to be an occupational hazard associated with ego death. If you come upon it without the proper preparation. Which, I must admit, is one thing that the slow and difficult path does have to recommend it. (Ahem) It’s like the undead zombie ego rises up from he grave to preside over the wake in an apparent fit of acute egomania. And I don’t mean you, but you have seen it happen. Am I right? To, like… everybody else? Oh and we ain’t seen nothing yet. This is very very dangerous work. It demands of us the most profound humility. Or it will inflate you till you pop.

The opportunity that we have now will frankly never come again. D’y’all know that magic adage? Thingses is as things begins? Well we’ve got half the Jedi Council here, and we could seize this chance to mend whatever lingering Game of Toads ass – look, we all know how that game ends. Um… have you *been* to like Iquitos? I propose we start as friends.

We get to found our own damn mythos, so let’s ground it in the fact that all the 5sters and the toadsters always got each other’s back. You must accept the terms of service, and preserve this sacred pact, Because we’re all way too freaking powerful to even think about attack.

I mean, like, literally. Don’t even think nasty thoughts about one another. It’s dangerous. We are all one. That’s like our signature, bit, right? Content dictates form. Relax. We’re all gonna get a piece of the pie. We already all have *all* of the pie, in fact. So let’s keep it classy.

Initiation, integration, education and intention. A convergent urge to merge divergent versions and revisions. Whilst conserving and preserving the diversity of vision and adaptive variations permutations and positions. Not a mass assimilation or some assenine religion – Just a common sense consensus on transmissible traditions.

First off…

Otac’s not just 5 methoxy by another name. There is a qualitative difference – don’t you dare say they’re the same! There are other active substances that toad brings to the game. And I’m not saying which ones better, but conflating them is lame.

(For the record, I personally prefer the alchemical version. It’s less variable and not with the harassing of an endangered species etc.)

I’ve never claimed to be a shaman and I’ve never understood why all these posers misappropriate some culture when they could just say hey I’m another human who’s discovered something good, and I really love to share and hold the space. I probably would say yes if you approached me. But that not a guarantee. I’d want to meet you before accepting that responsibility. I’d want to know what all you’re on, and if you have a history of mental illness or if something else sets off alarms for me.

Like if you’re totally a cop.

Or if I’m just really not feeling it. I mean it is difficult to say no… but it is *on* you if they are not ready for this and you could totally tell that, but who are you to play gatekeeper, right? Well, you’re the one with the key!

So come and tell me why you want this, What have you heard? What have you done? And yes it’s true it’s always awesome, but it isn’t always fun. And you should know what to expect before the rituals begun, because if you don’t like the way I roll, well then I shouldn’t be the one.

And you should never hit on clients for whom you facilitate. Because the power isn’t balanced and they’re in an open state. If it’s like super crazy sparky, have the decency to wait. (For like a couple of months at the very least) You don’t want to get a rep as rapey, so you gotta play it straight.

Speaking of which: If you are planning to join in, then you should register intent. Getting up in people’s grills is something some folks might resent. But there are clients who would love it, too! It’s easy to prevent an inadvertent violation. Just be up front and get consent.

Psychedelics can dissolve interpersonal boundaries, particularly when you’re doing a simultaneous launch but it is also possible to inadvertently mind meld with sober witnesses. And vice versa. Frankly I don’t like mixed groups of strangers, especially for people who are less experienced and potentially anxious. I don’t think that this part necessarily needs to be a *rule* but I do want to make a case for the consideration of the community, because I’ve seen it throw a lot of people off…

My heartwork is just one on one or close knit pods and nests. In my 20 years of practice, that’s what seems to work the best. The opening of souls can be more intimate than sex. It can be harder to let go… and weird ones freak out folks on deck.

As an experienced facilitator you might well be thinking “Oh what a beautiful exorcism!” But all of these nervous little virgins are sitting there watching all of this crazy looking shit go down, right? And they’ve probably never seen anything like that before and, look –

I know that there are people here who’ve done this more than me, and I respect you, and expect you to politely disagree. And you’ll explain about containers, and if only I could only see that the unfoldings always perfect I’d just relax and let it be.

Which I get that, but ideally, right? Because here’s a human soul that’s on the brink of consummation, and you’ve taken on this role… but then again, there’s ten again tonight and it’s your goal to send them all home high, heroic, happy, humbled, healed and whole!

Farmers, doctors, nannies, shrinks, masseuses, priests, and whores are getting paid for sacred work and it’s okay to charge for yours. Self righteous snobs who put that down in principle are boors who need to open up their hearts and minds and loosen up their drawers.

Whats disgusting, sacrilegious, shameful, evil, sick, and wrong is putting profit over people when the medicine’s this strong. If you forget and get blasé – perhaps it’s been a bit too long since you yourself have really tried to hit the center of the gong.

And this is really why I came here. This is the message from my heart. It can’t be written as a rule, but just expressing it’s a start. It’s more an attitude than action, but is central to the art. And from my personal perspective, it’s the most important part.

If you believe that it’s just drugs, and you have been there. (And if you haven’t been there you don’t get to serve. Period.) But if you’ve had subjective apperception of a place that’s not a place, that can seem for the duration to transcend both time and space. In which all that you have known has been dissolved without a trace into an infinite nondual pure perfected state of grace…

And you are just such a committed reductionist that your genuine reaction is “Wow! What a marvelous illusion!” – like over and over again, and if that is the way that you present it to people, then as far as I’m concerned you get a pass. Just set em up and knock em down. (Singing) “It’s the great brain coaster, get on board it’s the great brain coaster, we’ll explore.” Then you can sell them all some tickets and you can let them take their ride. Cause who the hell am I to say that you are wrong.

But if you’re fronting with this is something like enlightenment… You know: This is the true nature of Brahman. This is unfiltered reality. This is what death is like. This is the source. This is the source code, this is the ultimate, the infinite, the immanent immaculate immortal mind of God with a capital G. No I mean REALLY.

Then you’re gonna have to suck it up and act like you believe it.

And if you truly *did* believe that down in your deepest heart of hearts, you’d have a couple of hours on it for each person who is going to try to go there. At the very least.

But the problem is that it’s just too damn freaking easy. And so we tend to devalue it.

I mean, this happens with a lot of psychedelics. When it does. But 5-MeO-DMT is a reasonably reliable technology for doing that particular thing. I mean it’s still hit and miss, of course. But if you understand the technique of how to use a bleeping meth pipe, and if you have the correct materials at hand, then this will probably *work* for most people. At least eventually. Like say it takes you 2 or 3 or 5 or even 10 tries before you ultimately break through. lt’s not like you had to embark upon an intensive course of study. You didn’t have to (goddess forbid) develop a actual discipline or go chant in a cave in the snow for like a decade where there isn’t any beer, or girls. No. You just gotta go try to hit up that kinda twinkly eyed looking wook who’s got this van parked out at 3:15 and G you know in way out east bumfuck Black Rock City. And then you’re in the back of this kids van…

And we forget. That this is it. For this guy. This could be it. This could be the most important thing he ever does. If you ask this guy in 20 years, (this happened with the psilocybin studies) He might very well report that this was the single most profoundly significant event that has ever happened to him in his entire life! And this is not going to be a boring 20 years coming up. Okay?

But the entry bar is just set so damn low that it’s now possible to commodify the godhead. It’s such a quinticentially American modality. We’ve got ourselves a goddam drive through enlightenment machine! And yes, you saw it here first, folks! So step right up and lay right down! All of this can be YOU for the low low price of whatever the market will bear!

Because we have found ourselves a cheat code. That lets you take a peek behind the curtain *without* having to learn how to suppress your own brain functions with like, using only your brain. I’m gonna turn off my own ego with *sheer willpower!* With my will alone I stop my mind from motion. And you have got to admit that that’s a *damn* impressive trick! That’s like some seriously Cirque du Soleil level psychospiritual contortionism. I mean, what!? That’s impossible! And yet we figured it out. And we even figured out how to transmit it. At least occasionally. Which also sounds like it aught to be impossible, right?

Someday there’s gonna be some neo-Buddhist cyberdelic little old ladies who are all like chilling on their virtual front porches saying “Back in my day we had to learn how to hypnotise ourselves. We didn’t have no little nanites in our neurons, shit, we didn’t even have any halfway decent drugs. We just had to sit there and try not to think about trying not to think about anything!” And of course by then it will just be on the basic menu of settings. And if you’re offended by that, then you’re probably offended by the idea that it can be done with a drug, as well. But guess what? This is a repeatable phenomenon. And you simply cannot have it both ways. Are you only going to count it if you feel like the person deserves it, because they have suffered for it, because you’ve have been prejudiced by our whole Protestant cultural bullshit baggage carousel; or are you going to devalue even most ostentatiously hard won version – these guys who have devoted their entire lives to constant practice, because we’ve demystified the secret of the brain hack and we can induce it at will now. And it’s still AWESOME, you know, but we don’t exactly consider it sacred. It’s not something holy. Nobody’s gonna knock a plaque up in this random hotel room that says that on this date a human being had a transformative theophany right here in room 649; and for a thousand generations people will make pilgrimages there, and there’s a shrine – and you can buy some flakes of paint from off of the wall from the gift store and take them home with you – which are probably fake, of course. But this the actual spot where Chester Cappidonico underwent apotheosis after a particuarly epic Tool show in 2017. Where he attained True Liberation both himself and for the least who walks amongst us, because there is no separation inside of that one brief shining moment. And then it is written that his buddy ordered pizza, and that they found the pizza tasty. I mean that not what’s going to happen. And I’m not exactly saying thay it should be.

But as practitioners we have got to pick a lane. We should either treat it like it’s something that important, or that it could be, and take the time honor them like we would if we really did believed that a gratuitous grace is even potentially ontologically identical to an endogenous breakthrough. At least in the moment of its occurrence. Or we should just shut the fuck up about all of that ridiculous posturing and admit that we’re all so totally and completely full of shit already.

Oh yeah, and you should make yourself available for aftercare. Or at least help them connect with some folks who are good at that. Like the Psychedelic Emergence Network, or…

I guess that I am almost out of time. So:

I’ve been having revelations, revoligions, resolutions about creating right relationships and serving evolution. Absolution absolutely involves providing some solutions. Effectively reflecting our intuitive conclusions. Perfecting our traditions and projecting towards the future. If you’re carrying with care, then I respectfully salute ya.📯

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