Mushrooms - P. cubensis
Citation: Laurence D.. "5 Dried Grams in Silent Darkness: An Experience with Mushrooms - P. cubensis (exp102258)". Erowid.org. Apr 24, 2019. erowid.org/exp/102258
In October of 2012 I came across the opportunity to take 5 dried grams of psilocybe cubensis, the more commonly used variety of “magic mushrooms”. It is now one year later and I feel it important to document my experience for my own reflection on this life changing event. Entheogens are organic hallucinogenic myconids and plants with the capacity to change our value systems and perspective on reality. They possess the capacity to take anyone with the right state of mind onto altered states and higher levels of consciousness, if only for a limited time. These plants are considered by many experts, such as the late Terence McKenna, to be alive and conscious, direct representatives of the plant and myconid kingdoms to the human element of the overall One consciousness.
I have spent most of my 38 years researching and studying the occult, the strange, phenomenology and the unexplainable within the human experience. For at least the last ten years I kept my eyes open for an available and sufficient dose of mushrooms or DMT to cross my path but in North Eastern America these plants and chemicals are exceedingly difficult to encounter, and much less so at a suitable shamanic dosage. In the last 4 of those 10 years, I woke up. Through the internet and research, I became aware of the nature of our reality and the forces which we allow to manipulate it. I also became aware of our role in this matrix and perhaps our purpose as well.
To me, the taking of such a substance and at such quantities was on par with preparing for a deeply sacred ritual. I felt I was not only prepared intellectually, but spiritually. The cubensis was grown organically from spores in syringes by a friend of a friend, so I did not need to be concerned about the taste. I simply prepared as suggested by Terence McKenna. I ate little prior, I drank plenty of water, I watched How to Take Psychedelics by Mr. McKenna several times, and finally, I prepared a rather large bowl of weed. I made sure that I was to be alone and undisturbed for at least four hours. I ate the 5 grams of mushrooms and stared at Facebook until I neared the 45-60 minute mark.
After 40 or 50 minutes, I don’t quite remember, I began to feel the onset characteristic of mushrooms. My experience with mushrooms was limited to two or three times, and at a low recreational dosage. My experiences with LSD, on the other hand, were quite numerous and at relatively high quantities. I felt confidently prepared with the familiarity of what to expect. At least with the five senses. I felt the familiar tingling, the anticipation of what was coming.
I began to hear sounds coming from my wall between the closet and my bed. It sounded like either old hot-water pipes heating up for use, or metallic clanging reminiscent of knocking. Like my experience with LSD, I begin to question my senses. Does my apartment even have old hot-water pipes? I highly doubt it. Has this sound ever been noticed before? Not to my knowledge, and it’s my bedroom… Perhaps the “elves” have “come a’ knocking” as Mr. McKenna says.
I felt that perhaps I was giving this sound too much attention. I felt rather silly and began to turn off my laptop and lights to take on a more quiet and dark setting suitable for what was coming. I sat up in my bed silently listening in the dark. I whispered into the darkness that I was ready. After a while the sounds stopped …it was here. I began to feel fear…fear of what? I stood up and opened my closet, withdrew my marijuana pipe and consumed deeply. I sat down in the dark again, I felt better, though now I decided I better take this lying down. I laid down in silent darkness and closed my eyes. Then I began to dive.
At this point I remember bits and pieces. It was like I was diving through levels, perhaps layers of my mind. Many of these levels were levels of fear, possibilities, and realities. They seemed to make themselves apparent to me as a possible reality. I would briefly consider them, even experience that said fear. Then I would dismiss them with variant degrees of difficulty leading me to the next level or possible reality.
For example; I would suddenly experience the fear and possibility that what I was doing was wrong, that there were evil entities in the room with me, perhaps I had taken too much cubensis, or that it would make me vulnerable to possession by demonic beings, or that aliens would take advantage of my current state. I even remember stating into the darkness, that I was here with love and respect seeking wisdom, and that I did not want to be taken advantage of. I experienced what could be considered a series of tests or trials.
I experienced what could be considered a series of tests or trials.
I don’t know how long this ordeal lasted, but I recall that I “passed with flying colors”, and rather quickly. In the days to follow, I would remember this part of my experience with pride. “BOY! Was I ready! ”, I would say to myself and chuckle.
There is little else I can say about the dive because it was such a transient experience. It was the inner-scape of my mind. It reminds me of Buddha and his trials during his meditation. How he had to face fears to reach levels beyond. If I recall, he had to face Mara, an archetype of the ego. What I can say is that it taught me about myself, my tenuous connection to this world, my spiritual readiness and how the prison bars of this reality are constructed out of fear.
This part of my experience is incredibly hard, if not impossible to explain in words, particularly pronouns. It will likely take me days to re-read and revise this section simply due to the fact that I have to explain this from multiple perspectives at once. I will divide my perspectives as six that I can remember:
1. The patient.
2. The virtual reality gamer.
3. Me lying on the bed.
4. The Inner Me.
I have to stress that as I go through the various perspectives that I experienced, it all happened simultaneously, all at once. I, me, he, she, it, us, them, you, we…these terms are useless in describing an experience with the One. I will refer to the various perspectives by their names to avoid the pronoun confusion. This lasted for roughly 3-4 hours. The dialogue I had between me and the entities was partially one sided as I could not discern anything other than a strange sound that emanated from the speakers. Me Lying on the Bed listening to The Inner Me’s responses was how I was able to discern some of the dialogue. It should be noted that only Mother’s voice was comprehensible to all my perspectives including Me Lying on the Bed. She also produced no words in my minds or verbally. I am still not quite sure how I understood her, maybe it was Heart language, since Truth is its own language.
I was lying in a bed in some hospital surrounded by friends and family. There was a doctor and a nurse or another doctor. I was hooked up to all sorts of stabilizing medical equipment. Everything was fuzzy and glowing. I could never make out faces or distinct details. Everyone greeted me with such joy and enthusiasm and proceeded to talk to me all at once. My mother was to my immediate right. There was a group in the middle of the crowd in front of my hospital bed. Those were my “close friends”. To my far left was what I perceived as father. They told me I was in a coma for a great many years. They had developed a drug which allowed me to come out of the coma for a brief period of time. The doctor said that this drug had been used before but I would not remember the last time I was able to speak to my friends and family. I was told that I would not remember after this time as well. I of course proceeded to enjoy and savor every minute. There were some details told to me about my sickness and the condition in which it left me. How I was living another life in my mind that wasn’t real and I could only wake up for a short time in the real world. However, I half acknowledged this during the experience because I knew this was a simple representation that allowed my mind to understand but knowing that I wasn’t really a patient and that all that was being shown and said was synonymous with my real experience. It was a quasi-real illusion.
The love I felt from my mother and friends was quite real. The love from my father was distant and reserved. He spoke little if at all. My mother on the other hand was in tears of love, joy, sadness, compassion and understanding. I could feel all of this, as if I was her feeling for me on the bed. It was the most powerful love or emotion I had ever experienced in my life. I realized my eyes were streaming tears the whole time. Suddenly I was her and she was me, I was all of them. Waves of love and compassion rocked my body. My pillow was soaked with tears dripping from my eyes and ears.
Suddenly I spoke to mom, and said, “How much longer…it’s so…hard”, my voice broke from the emotion. “Soon”, she promised. “So…hard”, I repeated. This reminded me of Jesus not wanting to “drink this bitter cup”. Then the scenario of the hospital was gone, I was Me Lying in the Bed. As I looked at the wall to my right next to my head, where mom was, I saw a glow. I saw a small delicate ball of light the size of a soccer ball with no distinct edges. It was the only visual I experienced as Me Lying on the Bed. It pulsed with its Love and I felt it emanate through me, I gasped. “Mom…I never knew.” I began to cry harder, if that was possible. “I never knew you loved me so much…” After this scenario, begins the dialogue with The Inner Me.
The Virtual Reality Gamer:
This perspective was quick and faded faster than the others. It happened prior to the hospital scene. I was removing a helmet of some sort only to look around at my friends who were excited. I had impressions of “how was it” and a sense of awe, as if I did something heroic or incredible. I cut them off by stating in disbelief that it [reality] wasn’t real. I was awed, and overcome by the realization that I wasn’t who I thought I was. That I was home, that I was in some virtual reality simulator, and now I’m home. I half acknowledged this during the experience as well because I knew this was a simple representation that allowed my mind to understand what was going on.
Me Lying on the Bed
This is me obviously lying in my bed in the dark having a mushroom trip. The “me” I experience every day in the “real world”. I was able to observe and listen to the responses of the Inner Me and bring back knowledge and some dialogue in this primary perspective. It should be noted that the only “hallucination” or visual that I had aside from the scenarios was “Mother” talking to me as a glowing ball of light next to my head.
The Inner Me
The part of me that was able to dialogue with the entities. Unfortunately I was not able to hear through this perspective as it was the awakened inner me, the real me. I was able to listen to the responses of the Inner Me to make sense of what was being said to me. This dialogue with the Inner Me reflects the perspective in the hospital bed including the relative location of my friends and family in relation to my bed but happened mostly after the hospital scenario. During this perspective I am at the left side of my body observing myself, listening to my responses in my bedroom in the dark.
“What? How is that possible? I can’t believe it.” My Inner Self said. The voices continued their dialogue, that strange sound that comically reminded me of the parents’ voices in Snoopy cartoons. A sort of “ngwa, wa, wa ngwaa…wa”. “I’m what?” My facial expression is dumbfounded. For some reason royalty comes to mind though the Inner Self didn’t state this. I am reminded of David Icke stating he was the son of God and being obliterated by character assassination for it. Here I can understand why he said what he did. My feelings of being full of myself dissipate. “I’m what?” I repeat. Here my eyes began to stream tears again. “For me?!” My voice breaks again. “For…me...?” I repeat in awe. I feel an overwhelming sense of gratitude and humility. Here even Me Lying on the Bed understands what was being said to me. I felt this particular piece of information. Something about what is waiting for me, something like paradise, some unexplainable reward that defies comprehension. Something like heaven, though these words are pale and inadequate. My understanding that this is for me/all of us, fills my soul with elation. Here words ring in my mind. My Mother’s voice, and my own voice of the Inner Self whispering the words, ”No one gets left behind.” I absently repeat the words verbally for several seconds and smile.
The group in the middle are so joyous, they are the ones who are considered my “close friends”. They sound different when they speak, instead of the Snoopy parental drone, they make the sound of a flip tab of a soda can hitting the ground or a small coin hitting cement. It always reminds me of laughter. They always seem joyous when they speak and they make me smile through my tears every time.
Then my Mother begins to speak to me again, Me Lying on the Bed wonders if this is my mother’s higher self, as she is still alive. Her words echo in my minds and perspectives, She lets me know that I am everyone, how wonderful I am, all the wonderful people I have ever been, and all the wonderful things I have ever done.
Then she tells me sadly that I am everyone, and that I am also responsible for all the horrible atrocities and crimes committed, that since I am everyone, I have also been everyone “evil”. The passing of this knowledge hits me with a tremendous blow. For the first and only time in my mushroom experience, the Me Lying on the Bed gets up and walks over to the computer desk where I sob bitterly holding the wall for support. I can’t express how powerful this was a realization. It is one thing to understand intellectually that you are one with everything, have lived every life and done everything, but it is another when the knowledge hits the heart as Truth and bearing all the consequences of this realization.
This perspective unlike the others was a sporadic experience most powerfully occurring during my comment of “How much longer…it’s so…hard.”, and the love Mother had for me. The suffering I seemed to indicate to Mother was simultaneously Mother indicating Her suffering to me. This is a perspective where I am not sure if it was Her or my Inner Self, despite that it’s technically both.
I also felt Her love for me as Her. This was why I had said, “I never knew You loved me so much…”.
There was a moment where I also said in a state of tolerance, “You have to let go.” I said this in such a state of love and forgiveness as Mom and as Me Lying in the Bed/Inner Self. I can only assume this was aimed at the potential parasitic life-forms that have cause me sleep paralysis for 23 years, but that is another story. Or perhaps She was simply telling me to let go of this reality, or detach as Buddhists say. Or it could have been something else as I will relate at the end of this account.
She also manifested as light as indicated earlier.
During my experience, I was generally everyone that was present if only partially. I was also everyone when I was shown that I was everyone in the universe. I was various aspects of myself. I was one with everything inside of Love or the Field.
All these scenarios, while I have placed them in a specific order were rather simultaneous and mixed with other perspectives I was unable to remember. There were some divisions in the experience such as the Virtual Gamer followed by the hospital patient scenario followed by my Inner Self under observation by Me Lying In the Bed.
Shortly after it was over, I sat up and went to my computer, sent certain messages on Facebook and later on that day made certain phone calls. It’s corny, but I had to let certain people know that I love them. I then rested my eyes which were painfully sore from crying through the whole experience. I seriously feel I must have cried myself into dehydration. That day I had to go do some errands and drove around in my truck listening to music. It seemed as if all the songs that came on were aimed at me. It felt as if there were no coincidences and everything had meaning.
I felt energized and positive beyond belief. Every person I encountered was beautiful, another me. I could feel so much love for strangers. Attractive women no longer appealed to me sexually, I just saw them as beautiful beings, a platonic love. I clearly remember feeling sad as well throughout the day because I knew that what I was feeling, the aftermath of the experience would fade. LSD taught me that. I had a difficult time thinking about my experience the whole day without breaking into tears. So I put it out of my head often, yet I was sad that the memories would fade, that this feeling would fade and I would once again become a half-asleep program in the matrix.
I was sad that the memories would fade, that this feeling would fade and I would once again become a half-asleep program in the matrix.
I decided to not to tell anyone about my experience, at least not in detail. It was too difficult to discuss without crying and I rarely, if ever, cry in front of anyone.
A week passed and a friend came to stay with me in Maine from Wisconsin. She is a talented card reader and a friend from Skype/Facebook. She had brought the remaining amount of cubensis for us to consume. I talked to her more or less about my overall experience. She had simultaneously done her own 5 grams the same night I did. Her experience differed wildly. She had a long and fascinating conversation with an insectoid being, and had many revelations but then got sick violently. Her experience was more or less negative due to her getting ill. Five dried grams may have been too much for a hundred pound woman. She had told me prior, through her abilities, that I had a powerful female energy protecting me, so my experience with Mom did not surprise her much.
After taking the miniscule dosage of 1 gram we spoke some more. Afterwards I decided 1 gram was going to do nothing to me after the epic experience I had the week prior on 5 grams, so I decided to take a walk for air, alone. It was a short walk. I barely made it 15 feet from my apartment building when I stared at a tree across the street. It was about nine at night, and a fair amount of folks walking about. The tree for some reason caught my attention. It was in front of a library and the trunk was surrounded by a fence. It was probably 20 feet tall and rather un-extraordinary. I was FAR from “tripping” on such a low dose yet my attention was drawn by a potent intuition to look at the tree. As I did, I began to appreciate nature and thought of Mother Earth, the tree began to sway from a strong breeze, and then it happened.
I regarded the tree swaying innocuously and immediately thought Gaia. Gaia!!!
Mom? My heart almost exploded! It was such a powerful realization that I literally, physically felt my heart gush a tremendous amount of energy and I had to double over holding my chest, MOM! Mom… My eyes immediately filled with tears. At the exact moment I doubled over, a tremendous wind blew down my street swaying all the trees and even causing people to exclaim out-loud in surprise at the seemingly random gale. People walked passed me staring, at me as well. I straightened back up, hid my tears and turned around to head back inside.
I got back inside and related to my friend what happened, I then sat on my bed and she let me think in silence. So the energy I thought was my mom’s higher self was none other than Mom. Gaia. I’m sure that it represented all female maternal energies but yet….it was actually Mom. Our mother Earth. I felt honored, and precious. After my week with the mushroom, a series of synchronistic events led to me to pack my bags and move to Colombia, South America, but that is another story.
So basically several thoughts occurred to me about my experience with this new piece of information that “mom” was actually Gaia.
‘Suddenly I spoke to mom, and said, “How much longer…it’s so…hard.”, My voice broke from the emotion. “Soon”, she promised. “So…hard.”, I repeated.’
‘ “Mom…I never knew.” I began to cry harder, if that was possible. “I never knew you loved me so much…” ‘
‘Then my Mother begins to speak to me again, Me Lying on the Bed wonders if this is my mother’s higher self, as she is still alive.’
‘There was a moment where I also said in a state of tolerance, “You have to let go.” I said this in such a state of love and forgiveness as Mom and as Me Lying in the Bed, as well as Inner Self.’
Including the Mother section and the quotes above I made certain assumptions. When I felt the suffering of myself and Mom: [‘“How much longer…it’s so…hard.”, My voice broke from the emotion. “Soon”, She promised. “So…hard.”, I repeated.’] I concluded that Gaia’s suffering was included in the shared pleading emotion. If anyone is Jesus wishing to refuse the bitter cup he must drink (the crucifixion), then it must be Gaia. Look at her suffering as we rape and gut Her, or at least acquiesce to it. Meanwhile She just takes it. Sure there are earthquakes and volcanic eruptions, storms of tornadoes and monsoon hurricanes. How many of these can we really say are Gaia fighting back or avenging Herself. Sure doesn’t fit the mother profile. How many of these are actually man made with HAARP and coal seam mining, electromagnetic, tectonic and nuclear weapons testing? How many are simple geological reactions to human intervention or just natural cycles? Just a thought.
If indeed it was Mother Earth in my bedroom, then I must say that it was the most powerful love I have ever experienced. It was tinged with sadness and patience. [‘ “Mom…I never knew.” I began to cry harder, if that was possible. “I never knew you loved me so much…” ‘] I can’t explain in words how much feeling that level of unconditional love changed my life.
[‘Then my Mother begins to speak to me again, Me Lying on the Bed wonders if this is my mother’s higher self, as she is still alive.’]The relationship between me and my flesh and blood mother is deep and complicated. Nevertheless, her love for me is unconditional, and I view her unconditional love as a fractal of Gaia’s. I am truly honored that in this life I had a truly loving mother.
Now here, I am unsure who this comment was directed to, still to this day it makes me wonder. [‘There was a moment where I also said in a state of tolerance, “You have to let go.” I said this in such a state of love and forgiveness as Mom and as Me Lying in the Bed, as well as Inner Self.’] As I stated prior, it may be numerous things including a direct message to the human race (since I am everyone). As Drunvalo Melchzedek says, this disharmonic level of consciousness of 44 and 2 chromosomes will kill any planet it inhabits. When the baby is born the baby must be cut from the cord, it must let go. This was the most enigmatic of all the comments from Mother/me.
It may also be a direct message to potential energetic and/or trans-dimensional parasitic beings which attach themselves to human beings and cause sleep paralysis or as the medical community calls it, hypnopompic hallucinations. At least this is my personal theory, as I have suffered from sleep paralysis for 23 years. Though it should be noted, the condition weakened throughout the last 10 years and finally became rather rare since I “woke up”.
Certainly my experience is not unique as far as the effects of psilocybe cubensis, but according to my research it is rather rare and more similar to the experiences described on DMT, ayahuasca, or some other entheogen. My friend’s experience with the insectoid, on the other hand, is very common to psilocybin-cubensis, ayahuasca.
I have to honestly say, it wasn’t what I expected at all. I would have expected the experience to have taken on some of my expectations after years of reading
I would have expected the experience to have taken on some of my expectations after years of reading
, researching, and waiting patiently for the amount of five grams to become available. I’m particularly surprised that my experience was so direct, so Gaia’ish, so angelic. It was almost Christian. Not Christ on a cross but Christ consciousness. I have never heard Terence McKenna reference a psychedelic experience with the particular characteristics I witnessed.
I also do not subscribe blatantly to any of the ideas expressed in my experience. I prefer Mr. McKenna’s sensible view to listen to what the myconid has to say but not to believe a word of it at face value, and instead consider it. Meditate upon it. For example, just because the experience is filled with unimaginable Truth such as what awaits us after death, how we are all One and how everything is going to be all right in the end, it does not mean that I will cease to act and behave in a productive manner. On the contrary, it inspires me to act more, do more, and consider more. It spurs me to continue my battle with my own fears, and serve those around me. It encourages me to improve and elevate every aspect of myself while not idly sitting by.
Finally, I hope that whoever reads this finds something of value or perhaps comfort in the beauty and parallel of our experiences. For I am another you.
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