Mushrooms - P. mexicana (sclerotia)
Citation: Straycat. "Where Divine Joy Makes Worlds Collide: An Experience with Mushrooms - P. mexicana (sclerotia) (exp103724)". Erowid.org. Jun 17, 2020. erowid.org/exp/103724
First off: I already have some experience with several substances (for example: MDMA & BK-MDMA, 2CB & BK-2CB, MXP, MXE, Diphinedine, 4FA) and have also consumed mushrooms before. The trip I am writing about was my fourth with shrooms in general, the second with magic truffles and the most intense and amazing drug-experience for me so far.
Set: having some personal issues going on, a lot of questions about my rather uncertain future nagging me, also some trouble with a good friend, among older and deeper issues with myself, which I have been trying to figure out for a long, long time. But overall, I am feeling quite cheerful and good this evening, having a prolonged weekend full of party and socialising with new people only halfway behind me, and looking forward to some nice tripping with my two closest friends.
Setting: we are at my place, where I feel secure and comfortable. I’ve purchased a lot of snacks and drinks the three of us like to consume while tripping, we have enough cigarettes and my three super-affectionate cats around.
t+0 (10 p.m.)
Seeing as the truffles I had brought from my last visit to Amsterdam were close to nearing the end of their shelf life and us being in the mood for tripping, I chopped up 5g of the truffles for each of us and mixed them into some yoghurt, since the awful taste becomes more bearable that way. The truffles were the sort “Galindoii”, which I was told was the strongest available, so I advised my friends to go easy on them, and wait for at least one hour before redosing.
About 30 minutes after ingesting, I started to notice the first signs of the onset: slightly blurred vision, giving a soft violet shimmer to everything. My mood is rising, my body feels lighter. I decide to go sit in my living room and surf the net a bit, looking at random pictures and listening to some music.
t+1 - t+3 (11 p.m. - 1 a.m)
One of my friends and I decide to redose, while my other friend declines due to having to go home soon. I measure out 6g of the truffles for the two of us and mix mine into joghurt, while my friend decides she will eat hers pure. I go back to the living room and chill out in front of my PC, whereas my friends remain in the kitchen to chat. While I am sitting here, my headspaces increases more and more, making me feel lighter and lighter. I see colourful tracers when I look at moving objects, surface appear to be breathing slowly, and everything looks and feels more beautiful. I put my ear on one of my cats fur, and it feels amazing, the sound of his purring is just beautiful, peaceful and soothing. I have a feeling of unity, like becoming one with my environment, the music, the cats, the room I am in - everything fits together perfectly, and I am part of it. I am feeling very happy and deeply relaxed, at peace with me and my surroundings, while at the same time tripping hard… and I feel that I can handle even more, so I decide to redose once more, at 1 a.m., 3h into the trip. I have none of the “Galindoii”-truffles left, so I go for “Dragonslayer”, the second strongest sort I purchased. This time, my friends decline both: one needs to go home now, and the other one is to occupied by her thoughts and not feeling much of the shrooms she already consumed.
I have no yoghurt left, so I chop up 6g truffles as small as possible and mix it into some cocoa, which I slowly drink - it tastes amazing, and it masks the truffle-taste perfectly. I smoke a cigarette (which also tastes amazing) and go back to the living room. I constantly write updates on twitter about what is going on, and I enjoy talking about it, philosophing about how reality was just an illusion and how each and everything that lived made their own reality.
I start to feel as though my body is becoming light, warm and numb at the same time, as though my skin is dissolving into something warm and fuzzy. From time to time, I experience the feelings of heat and cold on various body parts, but it doesn’t feel like those feelings happen inside of my skin, but on it, like cold or warm metal is lightly brushing over it. My open-eye-visuals are getting more intense now, I can see wild, moving kaleidoscope patterns, every surface looks as tough it is alive and gently breathing, or as if something is moving around below them, also I see colourful tracers of everything when I move my eyes. At the edge of my visual field everything morphs into twirls and tendrils and appear to be pulsing with light and shadow. Also, little objects that are brighter than their surroundings look to me as tough they are painted with neon colors and illuminated by black light. My closed-eye-visuals consist of the same kaleidoscope patterns, but way more colourful and vivid, there are floral patterns, crystal shapes, spirals, hieroglyphs, all morphing into each other to the sound of music.
t+4 (2 a.m.)
This is the time I realised that this experience was going to be something special. My friend had gone to bed, so I was left alone in the living room, and I decided to just let things happen from now on, to see where it would take me. I was starting to feel this wonderful unity with everything again. I was in perfect harmony, deeply relaxed, enjoying the music, the visuals, and then I suddenly realised that there was something else, that I was not alone. It was as if in my head some kind of friendly spirit, a guide, a reliable friend hat manifested. I intuitively sensed that I could trust that spirit, that it was well-meaning - I was feeling safe and cozy, as if a loving, caring mother had taken my hand to show me the wonders of the universe - because this is where it wanted to take me. I gave in. I relaxed. I knew that no harm could happen to me… that I could trust my mushroom-spirit-guide.
It took me deeper and deeper into space, where at first chaos, movement, excitement, emotions ruled… but the deeper it took me, the quieter it got. And while I was going there, I felt how layer after layer of me vanished. The closer I got to the center of the Universe, that one point where there is nothing anymore, no chaos, no movement, no excitement, no emotions, except perfect balance, the more I was reducted, layer after layer, and with every layer that went away, the peace in my mind grew deeper and deeper. And then - the balance was perfect. I had reached Nirvana - I had acquired total, cosmic peace. Total, perfect equilibrium.
As I was floating in this perfect state… an amazing, fantastic, bright shooting star shot across my inner night sky, and made me erupt in total euphoria. What did cause this shooting star, you may ask? Well, you see: another friend of mine, who was miles away and tripping on LSD with her boyfriend had send me a picture of her eye in this exact second. In her eye, I could see that same light, that sparkle, that I could feel in my own eyes, and I was completely overwhelmed with joy. This moment, I can not describe other than as an encounter. There were billions and billions of lose ends trailing through this gigantic, wonderful universe, and against all odds, it were our lose ends that met and connected - for a moment, we were sharing the same world. I told her about what I had just experienced, and she confirmed that she had experienced the same. And I filled up with joy, absolutely pure, untarnished, divine joy that had made our worlds collide and briefly forged them into one… and then that joy changed and became love. Pure, divine, untarnished love, that moved me to the core and made me cry out of sheer emotion.
During the course of the night, there were several similar encounters with this woman, and every time it happened and our worlds merged into one for a moment, this overwhelming feeling of joy and love returned.
t+5 (3 a.m.)
This outburst of euphoria left me warmer and cozier than ever. I put on my favourite hoodie and it felt as if the whole world was snuggled up with me within it. Still, I was flooded with love, love for everything, and the friendly spirit that was guiding me was close by all the time.
I had a bit of appetite and ate some pineapple, which just tasted incredibly good, although I usually can’t stand pineapple, and cried again because of the love that still filled me and everything around me. Everything was so peaceful and comfy, warm and safe - it was like floating in some warm liquid…
Everything was so peaceful and comfy, warm and safe - it was like floating in some warm liquid…
a feeling of being back in the womb.
At some point, I wanted to smoke a cigarette, so I got up and went to the kitchen. Upon walking, I realised that I still had visuals, but they had become secondary and I was not super interested in them, even though they were pleasant and not at all disturbing. As I arrived in the kitchen and sat down at the table to smoke, I suddenly realised how different it felt, compared to the living room - somehow much colder, exclusive and kind of depressing. Thoughtful, I finished my cigarette and went back to my computer to tweet about this strange occurance. After a while, it dawned on me: whenever I've had a fight with someone, whenever something had made me cry, it had happened at the kitchen table, but never in the living room.
At this point, I talked to my LSD-tripping friend again, and immediately the euphoria was back, and so was this intense, pure love, and again it made me cry with sheer happiness - never had I thought that one could feel like this, never had I thought that I was capable of such a powerful, wonderful emotion.
t+6 (4 a.m.)
Still moved, crying and yet full of joy and euphoria, I went back to the kitchen for another cigarette. As I set down and the feeling of rejecting and depression started to creep over me again, suddenly the friendly spirit that had guided me through the universe and beyond, that had watched over me all night and had reassured me that everything was safe, that spirit that I could not quite identify but nevertheless trusted, gently nudged me and took my hand. It led me away from the mouth of this dark path; it had something more important to show me.
I was gently led down another path. Like at t+2, I could feel that I was, once more, becoming one with everything around me, but this time my friendly guide did not take me to the endless, wonderful dimensions of the Universe, but down into my very soul. I was not afraid; I knew I did not have to be. I was being led through a labyrinth, around obstacles, and I somehow realised that they depicted my fears, my pain, and that they resembled what I always had believed was ME but now turned out to not really belong to me: the feeling of not being loved, of not being good enough, of being a failure and worthless - those things had not been put there by me, but all those countless people that talked me into believing this about myself… So long that they, in a way, had become part of me. But now I realised that there was a way to avoid those obstacles. Deeper and deeper the spirit took me into the rabbit hole, and the deeper I got, the more that absolute peace and tranquility I had felt before spread throughout me again. And just as I had reached the Nirvana once more, just as piece and equilibrium were perfect, another singularity like that shooting star two hours prior happened. Again, I had an encounter - but this time, it was ME.
t+7 (5 a.m.)
Deep down in the rabbit hole, where I encountered myself, I had an epiphany, and I was told so many things and learned deep, fundamental truth… I was just so overwhelmed and humbled that my plain human senses could hardly compute what I was being told at first. One of my cats was lying on the sofa next to me (how did I get back from the kitchen to the living room? I must have sleep walked), slumbering peacefully, and I petted his soft coat and was filled with a rush of pride and love towards him - pure, absolute and unconditional love. And then I realised what I had been told: The love I was feeling was genuine, and it was there if high or not. This pure and unconditional love was my very core, the fundament of my soul, the fundament of ME.
I was told that THIS was the love I deserved to give to myself, too!
Over the years, my love towards myself had more and more reflected what I had become to believe was the love I deserved, the same “love” given to me by abusers: never a reward, but only punishment and countless conditions, and being shamed and punished even more if I didn’t fulfill those conditions. I had learned that I deserved no better for being what I am, and that I should be glad to be bothered with at all. And that is exactly how I treated myself all the time: punishing myself, being ashamed of myself, believing that I was a horrible person… and now, in this mind-blowing encounter with myself, I learned that this was not true.
I learned that I deserved to love myself as unconditionally as a mother loved her children; the same way that I love my cats.
I learned that I am allowed to make mistakes, and to forgive me like a mother forgives her child if it acts cheeky.
I learned that it was GOOD to be me, that I had done nothing wrong to deserve what had happened to me, and that I was not guilty.
I learned that gradually destroying myself, silencing, shaming and hurting myself was NOT the answer.
Down in the rabbit hole, I finally learned that I did not strive for death, but to LIVE. For years and years, almost as long as I remember, I had thought that I wanted to die, but now I knew the truth. I had been enlightened - and now, I was feeling so relieved. I was crying again, uncontrollably, but they were good tears… they were the tears of a child which had been stuck inside for over twenty years, and letting them go felt so good, all the while being cradled and held by that friendly guiding spirit, and I just cried, cried, cried until I ran out of tears. My eyes were puffy, tears, mascara and snot were smeared across my face, and I had to laugh at the thought of how I must be looking right now.
t+8 (6 a.m.)
I calm down and feel very peaceful again, sometimes disrupted by bursting out in laughter. I am so, so relieved. I brew myself some coffee and cherish the wonderful taste. I repeat to myself what I have just learned, and cry again, then I see something funny and laugh again. I am laughing and crying and giggly and philosophical at the same time, feeling completely insane and yet incredibly sharp. It is wonderful to be alive.
t+9 - t+12 (7 a.m - 1 p.m.)
I remain in a warm, still slight afterglow. I surf the web again, chat with friends and, bursting to tell someone about the amazing things I experienced that night, speak on the phone with my best friend. He is happy for me, and I am happy that he is happy, and I end up crying again, feeling more alive than ever. I feel like I was being born again, this time not with the blank mind of a child, but enlightened, wiser. I know that the love and joy I feel are genuine, that they are inside of me and that I can reach out and find them whenever I am in need.
At 1 p.m. - 12 hours after the last dose - I suddenly get incredibly tired. I go to the bedroom and snuggle up with one of my cats, and I fall asleep only a few minutes later, to colourful, cheerful dreams.
This trip was absolutely mind blowing. From tell-tale I knew that mushrooms have a lot of potential, but I would never have guessed that they can take me so far. I am so glad I just let this trip happen, to just let it take me to where it wanted me to be.
To all of you readers, and to all of you fellow psychonauts:
I send you peace and love! <3
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