DOSE:		oral	Peyote
		smoked	Tobacco

BODY WEIGHT:

66 kg

My first experience with Peyote.

I went into this experience with no expectation as such, but rather a deep inner knowing that what I would face would change ‘me’ forever in a significant way. No words could ever come close to truly describing or translating the experience into something that the mind can understand. It is simply one of those things that one must experience if one wishes to understand, to know what Peyote truly is. To the physical mind, it is only a plant, a cactus, with a bitter taste.

To the non-physical ‘mind’, or higher mind, it is an incredibly humbling spiritual force. Only I was so naïve as to think that I could run from the Great Spirit, the Grandfather. Only I was so blind as to think that I could avoid facing the truth that lies at the core of my being, and at the core of every other being in the Universe.

Respect. This is not something to be taken lightly. If one does not respect the plant, the plant will certainly teach you to do so. The Shaman who led the ceremony did an incredible job of keeping everyone focussed and present as we journeyed through the night and into the morning. There was a strong element of organisation throughout the duration of the ceremony which highlighted the idea of respect and also of consciousness, of presence and being. The space around the altar was to be kept clear during the medicine and prayer rounds.

We are the ones who must do the work; keeping the space tidy and showing our respect by keeping our legs crossed during the rounds were more physical manifestations of this ‘work’. As well as sitting up and keeping your back straight. It is a challenging task to remain present, physically, mentally and spiritually during an experience like this and does require a certain amount of willpower.

A strange drowsiness came back and forth through me, I found it almost impossible to get comfortable at points and was constantly changing position and getting up to use the bathroom.

One event in particular really stands out in my mind space from the night. There came a moment where our leader presented us with the opportunity to create a sound, a noise. Mine was a variation of ‘ommm..’ and ‘aaaahhhhh’ and all the variables in between. The medicine had taken effect by this point and so I did not feel at all silly, there was a very mild resistance that I soon broke down through my participation. Everyone in the room quickly fell into a very deep, meditative state. I have no idea for how long we sat and hummed, as one, it felt like a lifetime.

In that moment, I felt such a deep connection with those around me. I noticed, I felt, each persons voice and the different tones they were projecting into the space. The sound became an organism that would breathe, grow and evolve as ‘time’ went by. Resonating with the very core of my being. The idea was simple, yet powerful beyond words.

As we came out of it, there was a strange stillness within the space. A calamity. From this point, things quickly escalated in intensity. My memory is quite vague, but I recall seeing fractal patterns and images when I closed my eyes, down what seemed like a long tunnel without form or structure. Floating in eternity.

I was not entirely sure of my intention, but I knew that I had gone to learn something, to take the next step in the evolution of my own consciousness. This did not become clear until the final round of prayers and the closing of the ceremony.

Gradually, as the intensity of the experience increased, sounds, smells and feelings became amplified to the point of discomfort. Something felt wrong and it took me what seemed like an eternity to notice, to realise this feeling inside me. I was pushing against it, trying to run from it, to hide from it. But there was nowhere to hide. I cannot hide from the Spirit, from the Grandfather. He is all-seeing and all-knowing.

At one point I had convinced myself that everyone in the room was crazy, or was going crazy, that my partner had taken too much and she was, for lack of a better word, ‘fucked’. Only later I realised that this hellish state of mind that I was creating had been projected into, onto my external reality. This hell was a reflection of the hell that I had created within myself.

I had to get it out. This is what I had come to relinquish, to cleanse, to purge from my soul, from my being. This is what was holding me back, clouding my vision, polluting my mind with fear and doubt. I expected it to come in the form of sickness, but was not surprised to find that it did in-fact come as tears. Tears of pain, of grief, of joy, of despair, of forgiveness. Tears of letting go. Letting go of all that has been and will be. Freeing my mind from the cage that I had constructed for it and filled with emotions and energies that no longer served me any purpose.

As I cried, I felt the emotions coming ‘up and through me’, waves of energy rose up through my heart chakra and out of my crown. I wanted to be sick, but it would not come. Whilst I cried, the two guitars played in the background accompanied by song. This felt particularly relevant, and in the moments between the tears and wanting to throw up, the music came through me and I merged with it as one. I could feel it cleansing me, healing me, helping to guide me soul, my spirit further towards the light. I was beginning to see it, to understand what it meant to connect with something greater than me. Yet at this point I was still not aware of ‘it’.

And as I approached the light, funnily enough, I began to feel lighter and lighter. I knew the most challenging point was yet to come. The final round of prayers and intentions.

To clarify what I mean by ‘prayers’. This was basically a round, a moment, when a tobacco & kinnick kinnick joint was passed around the circle. When it came to you, it was your turn to speak to the fire, to the altar in the centre. This was a moment between you and God, with the rest of the room as a witness. There were no interruptions.

I had not said much in the last 3 prayer rounds, but as our guide spoke I felt his words penetrating into my mind, almost as if he was directing them specifically to me. “I strongly recommend that anything you have to say, be said now”. I would not have another chance. These words echoed and bounced around my mind. The fear in my heart rose and I began to cry again as the joint was passed knowing that each moment brought it closer to me. I was scared, terrified and afraid. Yet, when the moment came, when it was in my hand, the courage came.

When I began, my voice shook.

“Only I would be so naïve as to think that I could run from you, Peyote. Grandfather.'

I had to take long pauses as more tears came and I struggled to regain my balance, my centre. After this first line was spoke, I began to realise that the most profound, amazing, incredible and simply fucking astounding ‘thing’ had taken place. This ‘thing’ was what I had been waiting for my entire life. And I was HEARD, in this moment, by my FAMILY. By those who truly cared, from the very depths and cores of their beings.

I looked up into the eyes of our guide and into his soul. I saw the softness, the gentleness and joy of his being. He nodded at me as if to say ‘continue’. He knew that I knew, and I knew that he knew that I knew. If that makes any sense.

I was truly 'in the moment’ - and I did not realise the power of being in the moment until I was there. I was connected. I felt my heart open and suddenly I was one with every person in that room. My family. And I knew in my heart that every one of them was listening deeply as I spoke. That every word I said had tremendous power in this space we had all just entered, collectively. I cannot express how magical, pure, freeing, delightful, blissful, joyful and miraculous this moment was.

“There are no words that can do justice”.

I was not speaking from my mind, but from my heart, from the very core of being, from the eternal light of love. There was no thought, and in the moments I wavered those listening helped guide me back to my self, to my heart.

For so long I had felt like there would never be anyone who understood me, or what I was going through. It was in this moment when I finally broke through this feeling. When I finally made a REAL connection with other beings who wanted to make a REAL connection with me. I exposed my most vulnerable side, I surrendered my self to the universe, and to my family. It was humbling, in the most magnificent way. I am so grateful, eternally grateful for the experience that I have been given. For my family. For my body. For my life. For ALL life.

And I felt the raw POWER that emanates from the core of my being. The creative force, the creative potential that is LOVE. It was my first time, but I have the feeling that I was not the only person going through a very deep healing as I spoke. With great power, comes great responsibility and the Grandfather made sure that I understood this more than ever. Because we are one. I am you and you are me. So as I heal my pain, I am healing the pain in others and vice-versa. We are all brothers and sisters. There are no exceptions. There is no judgement. No definitions. No categories. These are things that our MINDS have created. They are FALSE, ILLUSIONS. We live in a society that is addicted to thought, to thinking. We can just LOOK, SEE with our eyes the chaos that surrounds us. The famine, the wars, the poverty, the disease, the confusion and suffering that covers not just one part but the globe as a WHOLE. The state of the Earth is simply a reflection of the state of the collective consciousness of humanity as a whole. It is that simple. Anyone who denies it is denying the truth and consequently denying themselves of their SELF. Of their natural state of BEING. I must reiterate that there are truly NO words that can translate this experience into something that MIND can understand. I would give it to others in an instant, if I could. But for most I imagine it would mean insanity. Many beings are simply not ready for such an experience, such a raw truth. And yet, I have only just begun, I have barely scraped the surface of the deeper mysteries of reality, of the Universe. I have so much work to do and so much more to learn, to realise. Every negative habit, every negative pattern of behaviour that I remove from my self creates space for the positive aspect of that habit or pattern to fill it. To fill me. With more joy, with more compassion and more love. That I can then radiate out to those around me. To the world ‘at large’.

We all have our own, unique purpose here on Earth. No more important than anyone else’s. I am no better than others simply because I understand something that they do not, for they will understand something that I do not. Each and every being I will ever meet has something to teach me, to give to me. But it is the MIND that creates expectation of what it means to ‘GIVE’. Sometimes by having something taken, I am in-fact having something GIVEN. Take for example, the illusion of physical reality. By having my illusions taken, I am having my freedom GIVEN. I reconnect with my self and the true nature of reality. There is an infinitely deep pool of wisdom and knowledge to be found within EVERY being on this planet and throughout the UNIverse. Every answer to every question I may ever have truly does lie within and it is only now in THIS moment that I understand that. That I FEEL that. By speaking my truth I am not only empowering my self but I am also empowering those around me. The reaction that many people give to the truth may be immediately defensive, but that is only their EGO. It is not their true SELF and so I should not judge them for it. The difference between EGO and SELF. They are two ENTIRELY different things. Ego is simply a TOOL that was given to us, that we can use to focus our SELF in physical reality through a given theme. So that we may learn what it is our soul needs to grow and expand and continue it’s journey through and beyond ALL THAT IS. I or ME or THEY or HIM or HER all imply EGO. That is our mind categorising and SEPARATING us from our SELF.

I use CAPITALS not because I am shouting but because I am so limited in the expression of my SELF through this medium of text. It is so easy for those reading this to imply their own sense of self over it and perceive it as what they THINK it is rather than the TRUTH that lies at the core of it. What they see in this, what they get from this, is simply a REFLECTION of their SELF. I am not better than others. I am not above others. I am no more wise than others. I am GIVING this to others, this experience, my perception of the way things are. To HELP them realise something, whether they are aware of that realisation or not. As well as to help my self understand my self better by creating a reflection that I can look back at and, reflect on.

It has been 2 days now since my realisation. I feel more alive than I ever have before. My consciousness has begun its next stage of development. It is truly a blessing to have received this gift from the Universe and once again, I cannot express my appreciation for what I have been GIVEN. By letting go of what I no longer needed. Of what no longer served any purpose within my being.

The path has begun to become clear, clearer. I feel completely confident and trusting in my self and in my own intuition as to where I must go and what I must do. As my heart is the needle of the compass of my soul and now that I have understood my connection with my heart and the core of my being… The flow of information may begin to return to its natural state. One step at a time.

Exp Year: 2014	ExpID: 103851
Gender: Male
Age at time of experience: 20
Published: Dec 18, 2017	Views: 5,206
[ View PDF (to print) ] [ View LaTeX (for geeks) ] [ Swap Dark/Light ]
Peyote (42) : Group Ceremony (21), Therapeutic Intent or Outcome (49), Guides / Sitters (39), Mystical Experiences (9), First Times (2)