Mushrooms - P. cubensis
Citation: Twig. "Magical Soul-Connections and Insights: An Experience with Mushrooms - P. cubensis (exp104709)". Erowid.org. May 14, 2019. erowid.org/exp/104709
A little preface: I had been interested in hallucinogens for a long time, when a new acquaintance, letís call him A, offered me a chance to go on a mushroom trip with him. Before we could take the trip, however, something happened between us Ė we experienced a weirdly strong attraction for each other neither of us could really explain, so strong it felt almost physically painful for my part. We didnít act on the attraction as I was in a relationship already, but the experience really shook my world, so when we took the trip a couple of days later, I was hoping that it would bring some clarity into the situation and what was behind it.
(Note: the events are described in somewhat chronological order, even though itís hard to give exact timings, as we didnít have a watch during the trip.)
We blessed the mushrooms and took our dose, about 2g of Pensacola cubensis each, while riding a bus to our designated tripping place (Aís studio). I was feeling relaxed and excited about the coming experience, but I was also trying to let go of any expectations. The attraction that I felt for A was also making me a bit antsy and nervous as I didnít know what to expect, even though it was not so strong as the first time around. The mushrooms tasted nice and I was thinking they seemed so inconspicuous to be holding such a big secret inside them. I didnít notice anything strange before we got to the studio however, even though A said he could already see some changes in the environment.
When we got to the studio I sat down while A set out to do some last minute cleaning to provide us a nicer tripping experience. At this point (about 20 minutes in) I finally started to experience the effects. The curtains in the room were very psychedelic, and I noticed them moving around a bit. I was going to ask A whether the wind comes through the window, when I realized that wasnít the case Ė the movement of the curtain was just a hallucination. It looked as though the curtain was breathing, and bit by bit I could see this same effect all over the room, not just in the curtains. I was feeling giddy like a child discovering something new, and had a few bursts of spontaneous laughter. Everything felt light and nice and comfortable, especially when A came to sit next to me and wrapped his arm around me. My arm felt especially sensitive to his touch.
We didnít sit for too long before A went to lie down on the floor and was enveloped in his own world and I in mine. The giddy and excited feeling of the beginning started to give way to a whole rollercoaster of feelings: one second I was feeling exhilarated, then again depressed and anxious, then angry, sad, happy, devastated, euphoric. The feelings followed my train of thought, which seemed to be extraordinarily fast. I more felt my thoughts than really thought them through.
The feelings followed my train of thought, which seemed to be extraordinarily fast. I more felt my thoughts than really thought them through.
I had an impression that the drug was just very superficial Ė that I could snap out of it any time I wanted, or dive in as I wished. The effect was like it was latched on to the real world, and the real world felt very thin too. This somehow enforced a fear I had been holding inside me about my world view Ė I was afraid that the world is only what we see, only the superficial surface, and there is no soul, no deeper meaning, nothing. I was also afraid I would do something I didnít want to do because I was ďunder influenceĒ, for example mess around with A even though I wanted to stay loyal to my partner. I
started to feel very irritated and angry towards A, even though up till now I had only had good feelings about him. The irritation was due to the fact that I felt he wanted something from me which I could not give (since I was in a relationship and didnít want to do anything to endanger that), and also because I felt he didnít understand me, and we were somehow in a different rhythm. I felt he had abandoned me to this weird world, even though he was supposed to be my guide. I think the anger arose of the fact that I felt that he was responsible for my situation and the negative feelings I was having, one of which was insurmountable sadness. At one point of the emotional rollercoaster, I felt I was feeling the sadness of my boyfriend for what I was putting him through (I had told him in an email about the attraction I had for A, and that I wanted some more freedom in our relationship). I donít know whether it really was his sadness or not, but at the moment it felt like the most real thing in the world, that I was feeling his feelings.
At some point (maybe +1 hour in) I got horribly cold while I was lying on the couch. It was such an intense internal cold it was hard to make myself warm, even though A brought me a fur coat to keep me warm. He also came to lie with me on the couch, but at this point I was having all the negative feelings towards him, and felt like he was suffocating me, and told him I felt bad having him near me. I even felt bad having him in the same room, but there was nowhere to go really, the studio was very small, and I felt I couldnít go outside in this state.
The time took on a very strange appearance during the whole trip. Sometimes it went very fast, sometimes slow, sometimes it didnít exist at all. Same happened with the appearance of existence of everything. While we were having some conversations with A, it felt like, even though he was talking about himself, he was talking about me too, and everything that existed. I had the impression that everything is just a big cosmic joke, a play, a theater, where we play different roles to experience and keep ourselves entertained. It felt like everything is one and same, part of the same oneness, like a multifaced god. I also could see different faces of A very clearly Ė sometimes I could see him talking from his ego, which annoyed me, sometimes it was his inner child, that I just wanted to take care of and caress. And later on, I could see his beautiful divine masculine soul.
At some point (maybe around 2 hours in to the trip) I went to the bathroom, and looked myself in the mirror. My face started to change shape as I watched, and I realized I could probably go on some wild trip just by following the flow, but I decided I wanted to go back to A, and see where the whole thing was headed.
Some time after that there was a turning point. Suddenly, somehow, after all the processing of negative things, we got into the same rhythm with A, or thatís how I felt. He was holding me and I felt he was healing me somehow, being very supportive of my process. He started to caress my arms and my back, and suddenly everything just started to flow. We were breathing in the same rhythm with each other and the whole of existence, we were one with the Universe. His touch felt like a flowing river which I was a part of, and at the same time it was sparkling like cold fire. Somehow it was full of passion, yet I didnít feel it was sexual. More than anything, I felt love, pure unconditional love, that I felt the Universe consists of, and I had a very motherly feeling towards A, as if he was a child and I wanted to hold him in my arms. I had a clear feeling I needed to heal A somehow, so I did (side not: I was learning to be an energy healer at the time). I didnít know what I was doing, but I didnít need to know, I just let myself go with the flow and be a channel for the healing energy, I knew it would do what was meant to without me interfering if I just let it flow.
And something did happen Ė I canít speak for A, but he told me later on it felt like he was having some kind of energy orgasms, something heíd never experienced before. His hands started to cramp and got paralyzed, so did the left side of his face. He had hard time speaking, but at no point was I in the least bit worried Ė I had the utmost trust that what was taking place was for his highest good, and everything would get back to normal soon Ė as it did. While all of this was happening, I had some huge revelations myself. After all the fears I faced in the beginning of the trip, I once again found my trust in the Universe, and my trust in my own power Ė I had the most empowering feeling of being totally in control of everything without actually trying to control anything. I was just going with the flow, but still I could keep my own limits. I somehow experienced my inner goddess, and my truest inner essence, my inner healer Ė a limitless desire and joy to give, but also receive, as there needs to be a balance.
At some point (maybe around +3 hours in) we just started to laugh uncontrollably. Everything was just indescribably funny, I was feeling euphoric and overjoyed, everything was well in the Universe, pure love, joy and laughter. I had an insight, that everything is always alright Ė all this pain, sorrow, bad things we experience, they are just an illusion. At the bottom of it all, everything is always allright. It was a very comforting feeling. After the laughter episode we started to come down bit by bit. We were sitting in each otherís laps, looking into each otherís eyes, and I felt a very deep connection with A, like I had known him for all my life and my previous ones, even though in (normal/physical/3D) reality I had only met him a few days prior. Looking into his eyes his face morphed into different faces, it was like I was seeing some of his past lives in his face, and he in mine. I had a feeling that the trip would never end in a way, even though I knew it would, and at the same time I was feeling sad that we had to come back Ė I could foretell that the connection I was feeling with him right now, the soul connection, would be lost in the ďnormalĒ world, and even though I would always remember it, I didnít know whether he would.
Around 4 hours into the trip, all the effects had mostly worn off. I had a bit of a stomach pain, which I associated with the mushrooms, but eating helped a bit (I also hadnít eaten much during the day as A said it would help not to feel nausea if I ate only very lightly before the trip). All in all, nothing I wouldnít take for that amazing experience that I had. Despite the bumpy ride it was beautiful, magical, eye-opening, educating, and just what I needed at the time.
Despite the bumpy ride it was beautiful, magical, eye-opening, educating, and just what I needed at the time.
Fair warning: ever since that trip, on certain occasions and in a certain state of awareness Iíve been able to see my surroundings breath a bit in the same way as in the beginning of the trip. So I guess the trip changed my perception for good to some extent. Another effect that Iíve connected with the mushroom trips (Iíve had 4 now that Iím writing this) is that I seem to be more emotionally unstable, verging on crazy sometimes. However, I also feel this is sort of a good thing: the trips have brought to the surface something that has been with me all along, my inner conflicts and fears, and now I can resolve all those issues and find a more stable state of being and true inner peace.
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