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A Return to Mystery
Mushrooms - P. cubensis
by Balder
Citation:   Balder. "A Return to Mystery: An Experience with Mushrooms - P. cubensis (exp104757)". Erowid.org. Nov 30, 2018. erowid.org/exp/104757

 
DOSE:
4 g oral Mushrooms - P. cubensis (dried)

BODY WEIGHT: 156 lb


The following essay is a “Trip Report” in the first person. I experimented with the Magic Mushroom alone after 39 years and have done so several time since. I give the reasons why and provide an accurate account of the results.

I live on an island in Southeastern Alaska surrounded by natural wonders that render the poets speechless. Growing up here I began, after high school graduation, between 1973 and 1975, experimenting with Clearlight LSD and had many (I mean many) experiences of profound beauty and wonder. I approached this phase of life thoughtfully after reading Huxley, Cohen, Leary, et al. As a young man these experiences left indelible impressions in my mind. I have no doubt that LSD raised my native intelligence significantly at a critical time in life.

Over the following years I went to university majoring in chemistry and later electronics engineering. I also raised a wonderful family. During the “cold war” I worked for 16 years, in Seattle, in electronics engineering with an emphasis on hydroacoustics (sonar) design. No point in saying, I am not a “stoner”.

But over those years I have had bouts with minor depression, short periods of deep introspection and doubt accompanied by feelings of purposelessness. Yet, I am also a committed Christian and have accepted that these episodes are my “thorn in the flesh” and I try to mature from them. Having certain gifts often entails certain deficits. Besides, these short periods of depression are not debilitating and, in fact, are often followed by surprising bursts of energy and creativity.

During the summer of 2013, while on a mountain climb in Alaska, I had a minor epiphany. As the writer CS Lewis describes, “…a moment that contains all moments.” Days later, as I analyzed the experience, I became convinced that there were issues in my heart that needed resolution and clarity, I knew that these issues were connected with my Clearlight-years. Since I am a very private person, and wouldn’t think of asking for advice from someone who had never taken LSD in a serious manner, I decided that the only way to gain resolution was to take the “magical mystery tour” again and to go deep enough to jar my paradigm.
Good old lysid is hard to find these days, but nature has provided a noble alternative in the magic mushroom. I decided that I would try these instead of Clearlight. Perhaps this would provide the alternate view needed to understand this tension.

On a cold, sunny, December morning in 2013 while alone in my cabin on the shore. I slowly chewed approximately 4 grams of dried psilocybin cubensis. Within 15 minutes I felt a surge of mental energy and set about cleaning up, putting things in order, and banking the fire in the woodstove. It was 19 degrees outside; if I went for a hike on the island I wanted to come home to a tidy house and a warm fire.

After 30 minutes I felt an overwhelming desire to get outside into nature.
After 30 minutes I felt an overwhelming desire to get outside into nature.
The day was young and the golden rays of the sun were slanting through the forest like a scene in a Hildebrandt painting. I stuffed a few things in my day-pack and ventured out into the woods along the shore.

My walk through the forest was astonishing. Trees and bushes were empowered with living character, demanding my attention and acknowledgement. Mosses and ground-cover, that I would normally ignore, became radiant and fractal. The voice of a raven’s winter-call became rich with meaning and echoed in my mind. I felt a distinct pull toward the earth.

After 45 minutes I removed my pack and felt compelled to sit down between the roots of a giant Sitka spruce tree and to feel the winter sun on my face. While doing this I became aware that gravity had increased and felt that I should move slowly. Slow movements were very pleasurable, in fact, the slower I moved my body the better it felt. The simple act of unzipping my pack to locate my iPod and to open a chocolate bar were ceremonies. I suddenly felt that every physical act in life is a gift and should be replete with significance and meaning. Nothing should be done absent mindedly.

I slowly connected my iPod and earbuds and selected the song AWAKEN by YES. Then intense visions began. Each time I blinked my eyes there was an explosion of Mandelbrot sets and fractal patterns in colors beyond description. I listened to AWAKEN as if I had never heard music before. I could see the music!

The composition Awaken is a multidimensional tapestry of sound and color. Jon Anderson’s cryptic lyrics soaring over Rick Wakeman’s mastery on the pipe organ launched me to my feet in worship to my Creator. I had not felt so alive in a long time!

Since then I have taken the mushroom at least 7 times. I often find myself gravitating toward pools and small streams. Small spaces in the woods are intriguing. These small spaces take on amphitheater dimensions and hold deep charm. The sounds of running water have an elvish quality.

Each event has revealed fresh insights for me. The most pleasing insight has been the tangible sense that life, given to us by the Creator, is fractal, and infinitely rich in detail. The deeper we look at life, the greater the mystery. For a better understanding of this idea read Blaise Pascal’s “Pensees”, specifically his dissertation on the “two infinities”. Each moment should be lived purposefully and awake…moments that contain all moments.

Another realization, thrown into sharp relief by the psilocybin experience, was this. “Take small steps, but take steps.” Seems so obvious, but for a “type A” personality like me, too often held inert by the prospect of imperfect results, it was liberating to understand this concept more deeply, as a real-life expression of mathematical limits. It became so clear and livable! This small lesson has stayed with me and has yielded fantastic results in my professional life.

The most valuable insight revealed to me is that I needed to connect with my fellow man on a deeper level. This too may seem obvious to most people, but it has never been easy for me. The mushroom experience blasted my ego, removed all pretense and façade, and let me experience, in a very troubling way, my fear-driven guardedness in personal relationships, and my lack of empathy. I could not escape, I had to face it. This is one of those hard lessons that would be called a “bad trip” on LSD, but the mushroom is gentler. This lesson is still a work in progress.

During recent magic mushroom trips I have seen people’s faces in my mind; casual acquaintances that I may have passed in the local grocery store or seen only days prior. I reflect on them in a new way and find that I want to affirm them because we are all connected. We all need affirmation, even people that seem to have-it-all-together need affirmation, and I learned that affirming others, even strangers, if done in an appropriate way, is healing.

Well, back to my first experience: It was a long day and I found myself exploring small ravines and clear frozen pools, I felt like I had been given a child’s sense of wonder! In addition, my vision was sharpened so that I could see things, in fine detail, at long distances. There were cycles of ecstasy and withdrawal during the trip and just when I felt that the experience should be over I would be pulled to the earth again and fascinated by small things.

By dusk I had returned to 80% normal and even felt that I could hold a rational conversation with common platitudes. I walked home to my cabin on the shore trying to integrate the experience.

I don’t smoke cannabis, but I opened a Stone IPA beer and sat outside looking at the snow-capped Wrangell Mountains and 9000 ft Devil’s Thumb, watching the tide come in, lapping around boulders on the beach. I felt at peace and have wanted this resolution for so long.

For days after this first experience (at least 2 weeks) I felt an unusual openness and vulnerability to others and a quiescence in my being that was long overdue. This feeling was so wonderful and I have wanted it for so long. Now, the challenge was to integrate these lessons into everyday life.
This feeling was so wonderful and I have wanted it for so long. Now, the challenge was to integrate these lessons into everyday life.


As I write this it is October 2014. I have had several opportunities to repeat these experiences, but have been in no hurry. One of the remarkable things about LSD and Psilocybin is that they are not habit forming. But, if you have had a good trip you may find that you want to replicate it. Don’t do this expecting the same experiences. You may be disappointed. You can return to the same place, but always seek new surprises.

Just as importantly, mushrooms are not party drugs and they shouldn’t be used to get loud, belligerent, and careless. These powerful entheogens can test the very girders of the mind. Yet they are gifts to those who learn to use them carefully, so it is important to be patient and to find the best time and place.

I have learned that the best time to experience these things is when I feel strong and when I can be out in nature surrounded by life. Sunshine and clear days are best for me. If you have a friend who is intelligent, a good friend who knows the alternate view, and truly values these experiences, you are lucky. I am not so fortunate.

It is also best when I have achieved a goal in life or reached a benchmark (even a small one) that makes me truly happy about my achievement. To me this is very important. I set many goals for myself and may feel depressed if I don’t reach them, but if I break that goal down into smaller tasks and benchmarks that are within practical reach, and visualize each benchmark as part of the larger goal, I then have reason to celebrate. Even if I have to push the larger goal further into the future it is gratifying to reach these smaller benchmarks. “Take small steps, but take steps”.

Depression? I don’t think that psilocybin is a cure for clinical depression, but in my case (minor depression) I know that it was beneficial. It shook my paradigm and reawakened a deeper awareness of the sublime and mystical nature of life. I no longer live life as a “Cartesian”. It has also (without a doubt) raised my sensitivity toward others; and that is truly a good thing; something that I have sought as a Christian.

I am so grateful.

Exp Year: 2013ExpID: 104757
Gender: Male 
Age at time of experience: 59 
Published: Nov 30, 2018Views: 888
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Mushrooms - P. cubensis (66) : Retrospective / Summary (11), Nature / Outdoors (23), Music Discussion (22), General (1), Alone (16)

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Experience Reports are the writings and opinions of the individual authors who submit them.
Some of the activities described are dangerous and/or illegal and none are recommended by Erowid Center.


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