Cacti - T. pachanoi
Citation: DonJuanAtello. "My Heart Was Opened: An Experience with Cacti - T. pachanoi (exp106092)". Erowid.org. Feb 14, 2019. erowid.org/exp/106092
I'm not the best when it comes to altered states of mind. I used to be, but after some panic attacks while high on pot years and years back I sort of gave it all up. It wasn't worth the effort.
A couple of years ago I decided to try mushrooms again and stupidly assumed I wouldn't freak out. I did. However, I was able to smoke pot again a few months back and mostly keep my shit together. My panic disorder was a major pain in the ass and I wanted to confront it head on. I wanted to challenge my fear in general. Also, I wanted to understand the anger I feel and the bundle of tension in my chest. So, with all that in mind I decided to experiment with mescaline due to the remarkable stories of its healing potential. Also, it's legal for me to obtain the cactus here in the United States.
I ordered two 12-inch long cuttings which came out to be just over 5 lbs in weight. After some debate I decided to make a tea out of one of the cuttings and experiment with just half. I made the tea and reduced the liquid down to about 12 ounces, so I consumed a nasty, bitter 6 ounce brew and chased it with ginger ale. The following are the only notes I took during the experience. I will include those next then pick up where my narrative left off:
'7:15am - finished half the glass. I'm experiencing some nervousness (increased heart rate, shaky breath, etc.) This is usual for me. I will wait until about 8:15 or 8:30 (perhaps a bit later) to see if I need to ingest the other half.
7:28am - noticing a pressure in my head. Nothing unpleasant. I'm curious if it's because my blood pressure has gone up. Also, I haven't had any caffeine today. Quick recap, I napped yesterday afternoon for a few hours after having woken up at 3am. I was up until about 12:30am this morning, slept for about an hour. I had pizza for a late dinner and rum throughout the evening, but not too much. I woke up after a couple of hours (maybe not even 2) and have been up since. I'll try some tea this afternoon as a pick me up if I need it/can stand it. I'm having a very, very slight bit of gastrointestinal distress and can still taste the bitter brew. My mouth tastes like I threw up and even my throat has a slight burned feel lol! This stuff is definitely unpleasant tasting, but not as bad as I thought. It's nothing like choking down cough syrup for a DXM trip, that's for sure.
7:45 - just burped a bit, feel better. It's been 30 minutes and I'm calmer. I've been doodling with black ink in a notebook I've barely used and keeping the movie Babe on in the background (he started singing when I typed his name lol). I'm looking forward to this event. I'm sure it'll be very mild compared to what I'm thinking. This is looking to be a good first foray with San Pedro.
8:14 - It's been practically an hour and I don't feel anything yet. I'm going to finish the rest of the San Pedro tea and await any sign it's working. I guess I should note that the section of cactus I used weighed 2lbs 15 3/8 oz. I'm drinking half the concoction which was boiled down into a couple of cups worth. So, I'm ingesting roughly 1 and a half pounds, or over 35 ounces of wet cactus.
I'm ingesting roughly 1 and a half pounds, or over 35 ounces of wet cactus.
8:23 - I just tossed back the rest of the tea. There was a sediment on the bottom, some sort of separation had occurred while it was in the fridge. I stirred it up and the color changed from a sewage brown to more of a putrid green. I'm going to guess that the first dose I took was lighter compared to what I just ingested due to this. I could be wrong, but I bet things will pick up over the next two hours. We shall see! Also, ginger ale is a blessing. It really cuts through the bitter tea. Great chaser!
8:39 - My feet are cold and I keep getting an intermittent, slight tingly feeling in my legs. My feet feel kinda numb, like I've been sitting with my legs crossed a while, though I've been sitting on the floor on a meditation mat with my legs outstretched. Warm flashes move through my chest and neck. They feel fine. My stomach is heavy and I'm sitting here watching for any sign that it's working, so I guess you could say I'm a bit on edge, but I don't feel nervous. Well, maybe just a bit tense. My last psychedelic experience was with a bit over 4g of magic mushrooms I grew. Before that incident I had taken acid, but that was years before and the event hit me hard. Since the shrooms I've smoked pot again, which I had put off years back. I'm not smoking pot anymore, but I did it over several months multiple times a week (daily there for a while) and I kinda got used to feeling uncomfortable with being high. See, I used to be a heavy pot smoker when I was younger, but I put it off after a few incidents of panic attacks while high. I can trace the exact cause of the panic attacks and in hindsight everything was perfectly avoidable, however I didn't blame the weed for a while and thought I was picking up on strange vibes which must point toward some kind of conspiracy. These delusions persisted even after I stopped smoking pot, but then finally went away. That's when I became a heavy drinker.
8:48 - Closing my eyes results in something I can only describe as a strobe effect, but without light. It doesn't exist when my eyes are open except as I'm looking at my computer screen. I'm noticing a strobe effect at my periphery. I believe my heart rate is slightly elevated so I'm going to put another movie on and move around, maybe stretch a bit.
8:52 - I walked to the kitchen to put up the mug I drank the ginger ale from and noticed I was nauseous. Nothing like imminent throwing up, just a distressed stomach, kinda heavy. I'm now watching Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. I need music and fun! :) And I'm in good spirits.
11:38am - I'm definitely feeling it. It came on slowly and for that I'm grateful. I've eaten a bit of bread (hot dog bun) and drank some water. I keep hovering between needing to vomit and not. I won't attempt to not vomit but I won't encourage it either. There's a high chance of rain today so it's dark in my apartment. I turned on some lights because I didn't want to get a drowsy, sleepy feeling. I've got until about 4 or 5 this afternoon until the majority of the effects wear off. I'm okay with this level of intoxication, but I wouldn't want more. I definitely took enough.
I definitely took enough.
I'm curious what half the glass would have done and may try just that amount next time. I'm glad I didn't attempt the full cutting because that would be way, way too much.'
When they say mescaline is more visual I can attest to that. This is definitely the drug to take if I want that sort of trip experience. But the most impressive thing was the emotional release I was given. Sometime after ending my trip diary I logged onto TripSit just in case I needed to talk to someone. Shortly after I was in my kitchen in front of my sink having an internal conversation with Mama, the voice the cactus talked to me with. She was a wise black woman and she was there to take care of me as long as I listened to her. She walked me through my purge, opening my chest up and accepting some things which led to vomiting. This happened three times, I think. I never produced much other than spit and mucus, though there was a rusty brown color to some of it. I'm not sure what it was, but I'd like to think it was a bit of emotional shit in me made manifest.
Sometime around 2:00 I got onto TripSit and found someone to talk to. I guess I should mention I was tripping alone in my apartment. So, I started talking in the general forum and it was like talking to a therapist. They didn't push me or anything, I just opened up to them and finished my purge with tears this time. It was short, intense, and made me feel years and pounds lighter! The main guy I was talking to invited me to a private chat and we spent about four hours together talking about everything under the sun. We were perfectly in sync with one another, got along fantastically, etc.
During this time I made some black tea with cream and sugar and ate an apple. Finally, I needed to just get out of my place. The rain had let up a couple of hours earlier, so I drove to a nearby park (I would never have thought to drive if I didn't feel very confident in my abilities. Mescaline gives a very clear-headed experience, or at least that was my experience. I felt 90% sober, the other 10% were visuals and they only manifested if I let my eyes linger on something.) I talked to a friend on the phone for about an hour or so because it had been months since we had a falling out and I felt like it was a great time to reconcile things.
About 7:30 I decided to head home before it got dark out. Because I hadn't slept very much the night before (I want to say that I'd only slept about four or five hours in about forty hours or so) I assumed I could have a glass of rum, maybe some of that leftover pizza, and conk out. Unfortunately, I was up until about midnight. Then, I proceeded to sleep for 18 hours, waking up about every 6 hours and saying fuck it. I wasted the whole day (Tuesday) sleeping and finally woke up at 6pm. It is now 11:18am on Wednesday morning and I'm sitting here typing this out and pondering what my whole trip meant.
I read up more before this trip than I have in the past. I definitely questioned my intentions for wanting to take the mescaline. I think that aided the trip, gave it purpose. I made sure to have pleasant videos to watch (Youtube has some great trippy visuals with accompanying music that last for hours) and grounded myself in reality with my chat partner on TripSit. I'm also glad I didn't take the whole cutting because either I'm very sensitive to the plant (likely) or I received a strong cutting (also likely. I talked to the person who runs the 'nursery' and let him know of my intentions, so maybe he sent me a prime selection, idk).
The next time I take this will be in an outdoor setting if I can get someone to sit with me. If not, I'll have to venture outside earlier into the day if the weather permits.
All in all it was the best trip I've had, including the first time I did acid. I was experienced enough to know what to expect and in need of the plant's healing so I was granted what I sought. I don't think it could have gone any better.
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