DOSE:

2.5-3.0 g

oral

Mushrooms - P. cubensis

(dried)

BODY WEIGHT:

140 lb

A bit of a preface: Some of you reading this may disagree with how I chose to spend this trip. The duration of this trip took place overnight in my room at my parents' house over some video games and music and cats. I understand that it's advised to go outdoors or trip with close friends but when it comes to drugs for me, especially psychedelics, I much prefer the solo route -- the introspective route. For me, it's important that my setting is impeccable, comfortable and undisturbed. The downside however is that if you get lost in your head, you're at the mercy of yourself to find your way back.

One night in July of 2014 I decided to eat some Golden Teacher mushrooms I had acquired. My mindset at the time was somewhat neutral -- not too great, not too bad save for some anxiety I had due to my upcoming departure for school which is a 6 hour drive away. The duration of the trip took place in my room at my parents' house. It was my 3rd or so mushroom trip, however the prior experiences were quite weak; almost microdoses. I was bored that night so I eyeballed a few stems and caps, it had to be around 2.5 to 3 grams, but I have a naturally low tolerance for most substances so I figured this estimate would suffice. [note: Never take psychedelics out of boredom]

Ohhh boy did I get more than I bargained for...

After eating the mushrooms with some Taco Bell (terrible idea) and washing it down with some soda, I decided to wait for the come-up by playing some video games. About 30 minutes after ingestion, surfaces took on a standard 'breathing' visual effect. From here until the end of the trip, the visuals did not get any stronger than this apart from colors being more vibrant and certain objects elongating and shrinking. The visual effects were subtle, though present nevertheless, which is to be expected
on a such a common dose.

About another half hour passed and I was feeling a bit uneasy, so I switched over to my computer to play some Nintendo 64 and to listen to music. I had also turned off the lights, so the only light in my room was the blueish glow given off by my computer monitors. I turned on Legend of Zelda: Majora's Mask, probably one of the trippiest games of all time. Very fitting and pairs well with psilocybin as well as LSD. I also threw together a Boards of Canada playlist. Again, great music to listen to during a trip.

I was tooling around in the game's overworld, rolling around, killing enemies, enjoying the visual effects and music for what seemed like an hour. My thoughts were unusually blank -- I was immersed in the music as well as my favorite game, but I wasn't feeling any euphoria or other mentally stimulating effects of the mushrooms. Just visuals. However this was short-lived. It was the calm before the storm.

I then began feeling that I should do something rather than play games for the whole trip, but I was tentative of what I should do. Then I began to feel nauseous. And tired. Every couple of minutes (or even sooner) I would yawn. I thought maybe I should lie down and relax for a bit. But part of me thought that would be a waste of a trip if I fell asleep. Well I got up to walk over to my bed but then almost automatically I turned back around and sat back at my computer. Then I I thought maybe I should lie down and relax for a bit. So I got up to walk over to my bed. But then I walked back to the computer. I was in a thought loop.

'What the hell am I doing?' I thought. For some reason I couldn't break this cycle of flip-flopping between going to my bed and continuing to use the computer. I have never experienced thought loops before, so this confused me and made me feel very vulnerable to the mushrooms' potential dark side. I eventually persuaded myself to lie down and so I went straight to my bed, computer still up and running, and laid face-down with my head in my hands. I closed my eyes and this is where the downward spiral began.

I'm not sure exactly how long I was laying there, but because of the nausea I felt sick. Two times I dry heaved, fighting to keep my Taco Bell stomach at bay. In a state of half-consciousness and half-sleep, I had conjured a scenario in my head where I thought I had died. I had been given deadly mushrooms and I was experiencing the end of my life. I had thought my life was a hallucination that took place in real-time in my head up until that moment: the time of death. I was not mentally prepared for death and with each thought I had after this initial 'realization', I became more and more convinced that I was dead or dying.

I had imagined myself being wheeled through the halls of a hospital with my parents panicking and crying beside the stretcher. This scared me to no end. In real life I was breathing very heavily and had cold sweats. I remember hearing my parents' voices (in my head at the hospital), my mother screaming and crying that I was dying, and my father's voice saying that I'm just tripping and that nobody has died from psilocybin. In hindsight I think they were a manifestation of my thoughts -- one thinking I died, the other one knowing I was fine.

I felt detached from reality; I was convinced that the events taking place in my mind was in fact reality, and that me in my room tripping on mushrooms was all in my head because I died. Every once in a while I would pick my head up and look at the clock and it seemed to me that the same minute was ticking over and over like it was set on a loop. The clock was never gonna pass through to the next minute. I was trapped inside the moment of my death and I would be stuck in this night forever.

I got up out of my bed and decided that I had to leave the room. This was getting out of hand. I was feeling a mixture of hopelessness, fear, confusion, and gloom. 'Maybe I should head to the kitchen and get some water'. So I opened my door, walked a few steps into the hallway, then came back into my room. 'I should probably get some water'. Opened the door. Stepped into the hallway. Stepped back into the room. Another thought loop. At this point I thought I was losing my mind. I thought that if by some chance I didn't die, then there was no way I was leaving this trip with my sanity still intact. After a couple of minutes of aimlessly wandering around my hallway and living room I returned to my room in a depressive state, slowly accepting that I have truly messed up and it had either cost me my life or my sanity. Or both.

When I re-entered my room, I noticed that my cat had waltzed in behind me and made himself at home as he is one to do. I went over to him, sat down next to him and held him in my lap. This instantly cleared my head of any negativity that I brought upon myself. By simply holding my cat -- an instinctively loving, genuinely innocent, sentient creature -- my entire trip did a complete 180. I held and played with him while coming down and gave a sigh of relief. It was over. I didn't die, I didn't lose my mind, but I did come out of the trip with much more respect for the mushroom.

While the sun was coming up and the clear summer air filled my room, I felt a balance in everything.

Everything was going to be okay.

Exp Year: 2014	ExpID: 106148
Gender: Male
Age at time of experience: 20
Published: Aug 29, 2018	Views: 930
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Mushrooms - P. cubensis (66) : Difficult Experiences (5), General (1), Alone (16)