Mushrooms - P. tampanensis & Nitrous Oxide
Citation: JimiHendrix. "Intense Thought Loops: An Experience with Mushrooms - P. tampanensis & Nitrous Oxide (exp107615)". Erowid.org. Jun 6, 2018. erowid.org/exp/107615
This is a story about intense thought loops I had while tripping the day before yesterday.
I took about 15g of fresh truffles, Sclerotia Hydra, which is considered to be a relatively strong dose, comparable with about 3g of shrooms. This was the 7th time I had tripped on shrooms thus far. The trip itself was fairly mild, apart from a heavy comeup and I actually felt pretty clear and together. I have had more intense trips on the same dose so this could be a less potent batch. I decided to take a balloon with 2 nitrous oxide whippets. It was then that the most intense thought loop I have ever had took place. My thoughts became loud, as if my friends were shouting them in my ear, they were both audible, visible in the form of imagery / visuals, and later they appeared even in text right before my eyes. They were accompanied by laughter, alarm sounds and incomprehensible speech (as whispers) which oddly felt like it was something I could not hear yet because it had not yet happened. I have attempted to write down the thoughts that went on through my brain, though it was difficult to put in words. Imagine every thought being spoken by a friend, or someone you know. As they repeatedly used my name I will refer to myself as B. Note, I am Dutch so I think in the dutch language, but I have translated the thoughts into english.
''Im hearing sounds of a balloon, oh yea that is right I am inhaling a nitrous balloon''
''Look guys, he is thinking about it again''
''What am I thinking about?''
''Haha, he is back on the same thoughts''
''Wait for it, He will figure it out''
''B, come on you will figure it out''
''You will know in a few seconds''
''That you have had this exact thought multiple times before in the past!''
At that moment I was taken aback, because a combination of visuals and sounds that I indeed had before, occurred right before my eyes: An exact copy from what I could remember. I did remember a different time when I had taken nitrous oxide at a rave, after peaking on ecstacy. Secondly, at the peak of another shroomtrip I had felt the same. I remember each time feeling like this had somehow happened before and that it would happen again in the future, that there was some kind of inaccessible worm-hole in my brain linking memories from different times. But quickly after disregarded these thoughts as irrational and induced by psychedelics. Now however, they seemed very real. I heard women's laughter, high pitched but not scary high. There were at least 2 women laughing.
''He's back on that point, look he is arriving back on that thought again, come on think further back, you know what happens next''
''But what did happen next?''
''Yes you keep wondering the same thing''
''How did this trail of thought start again?''
Alarm noise is getting loud now, I get a little bit scared and watching my friends who were sitting on the couch opposite me. While they had been just chilling, smoking and talking to each other, they were now laughing hard and pointing their fingers at me.
''Ha! He really does not remember''
''Come on B, think about it''
''Think further back''
*Visuals intensify, they now occupy my whole mind. I hear friends laughing at me in my head, all of them are pointing fingers (not all at once, they take turns appearing before me)*
''Don't you get it B? Keep thinking about it!''
''Look to the right at the wall, the text is on the wall''
I look to my right and see big letters:
''I am in your head B'' (While I read it, it is simultaneously screamed by a female friend)
''I am screaming in your head!''
''This happened before, we talked about this remember?''
laughter intensifies, with closed eyes everyone is pointing at me and it is really intense, but with open eyes it is even more freaky. The setting seemed completely normal and clear, except for the fact that my friends were responding to my thoughts and laughing at me / telling me to pay attention, i keep my eyes open from now on. White text appears before my opened eyes, as if it were autocue.
''Still don't remember?''
''Come on B, pay attention'' ''This is important'' ''You need to know something''
''LOOK AT THE TV SCREEN''
''READ THE TEXT!''
At this point i am overcome with fear, as the laughter had turned into shouting, and my friends were now frantically pointing at the tv (that was on, my friends were watching it). It then all got very very intense, but I do remember having some kind of revelation and instantly forgetting it. It seems as if I suddenly had known the answer to my thoughts, that I had known all along and that I had discovered something big. However it disappeared almost instantly, leaving me a couple of thoughts back in the loop. It was a feeling of knowing something big (whether it be god, myself in the future, my subconsciousness or just the pure feeling you get from mushrooms in visualized form.
It was at this point that I heard a balloon emptying and see a bright flash, as if a picture was taken at the prime moment of knowing. But as quickly as everything suddenly had made sense, I suddenly didn't know anymore.
''Why is my balloon empty?''
''Why do I still have my mouth around it''
''How long has it been since i was inhaling the nitrous oxide?''
''Why do i still hear the sound of a balloon?''
''How did these thoughts start again?''
At this thought something clicked in my head, it was me! I am the one who keeps triggering the thoughts
''That moment that you get a thought sets the whole loop in process''
''The start of a thought''
Large dots kept appearing everytime i started this thinking pattern over. Each time the thinking pattern reset, it was accompanied by the same sound / visuals. Think of it like a youtube video that you keep on restarting by thinking about it'.
''Now the same thought is happening''
''And the same thought aggain''
''I can keep doing this forever!''
. . . . . . .
''Every time I think about it, it restarts''
''The start of a thought!''
''But what happens before the thought?''
''What could possibly happen before the begin''
''How can there be something before the begin, there can't, because if it could then that would be the beginning''
''It all starts with an idea'' (visualized by a big fat DOT . ) ''Did life start with an idea?''
''This thought process is a loop that i can keep resetting'' ''Is life such as a loop?''
''Has this happened before?''
''There is that thought again...''
''Back on the same thoughts''
''Here we go again''
''I keep repeating again and again and again and again and again''
''And then that keeps happening until infinity''
''But I already know how this is going to end, because it will be the same thing over and over again''
''I am simultaneously thinking the whole thought process, and the individual thoughts''
''And that goes on and on and on and on''
''How do I get out?''
''Wait a minute, how did this thought process end?''
''What did I need to figure out?''
''Let me think,....''
''hahahaha he is back again''
''Haha he is thinking the same thing again''
''Remember you were just seconds ago figuring out what you are thinking about''
''You know how this ends, focus B''
''Look guys, this is funny, he does not know''
''He does not remember''
''He is thinking back to what happens next, because he knows it happened before''
''But you should not look back, you should look forward!''
mind is fucked, if thinking forwards gets me backwards, how the fuck do I get out?
''Alright B, think even further back than what you experienced today''
''Think about it, what you just experienced was not all'' ''There is more!''
Autocue-like text appears again, like a karaoke machine in rewind. The text of my thought loops rewinds before my eyes, facilitating the thought process of thinking in the past
''Read back, read back read back''
''Yes! Now you remember you already had this experience''
''We are almost at the beginning''
I can't remember much of the next part, only that I thought 5 times that the loop was finished, only to find out there was a new part, but what it was I do not know. I do however got the feeling that this same thought loop would come back to me in a different trip in the future, in which I would go even more back, back to the origin of the whole thought loop.
It seemed to me that this thought process is triggered by a future event, that I could only get glimpses of in trips, each trip a little further.
Once again, it ended with a bright flash. I immediately am warped back into the middle of the thought process.'
''What did I just see?''
''Something about reoccuring thoughts, there was text on the wall and people were screaming in my head''
''I remember I had to read something? Everybody was shouting that it was important''
''What was that text?''
''How does this thought loop end?''
''What am I thinking about?''
Intense at this may sound, in reality it was even more intense but I just cannot put certain feelings and changes of perception into words.
I had almost exact this same loop again and again over the course of the evening, as I kept refilling balloons in order to get some kind of closure. It was like chasing after an ending / message that did not really exist, similar to chasing the dragon. When i stopped the balloons, the thought loop got less intense, but did not completely disappear. I decided to disregard them as it was getting me nowhere and I succeeded with moderate success.
Now let me get this straight, at the time I believed I was somehow moving through time in my own mind. Now however, I think it has more to do with certain memories reappearing, and my conscious mind trying to find a normal pattern where none exists. Furthermore, trying to look back in time to find more details about this certain 'event' may lead my imagination to just keep including stuff / adding to the thought loop. This way I think I keep getting more details of a memory, where it is actually all made up on the spot. Maybe I kept getting the same stimuli, resulting in the same response in my brain. Furthermore, the paradox of beginning and end of thoughts has bothered me in the past, as it seems to be a loop that goes on infinitely. I think it is the mind playing tricks on me by using memories that my conscious self has forgotten but are not entirely lost.
TLDR in my experience: Shrooms + Nitrous = The feeling of realisation of something big, like a grand secret of the universe, which as soon as you want to tell people disappears.
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