Citation: Felurian. "Rediscovering Connection: An Experience with Mushrooms (exp107649)". Erowid.org. Nov 5, 2019. erowid.org/exp/107649
Backstory: My boyfriend and I had been dating for about 8 months. I am a fairly experienced psychedelic user, while his first times using mushrooms and LSD have been with me. So far the trips we’d had together had been overwhelmingly positive, though not of overwhelming intensity. For this trip, we planned to spend a summer day in a forested area on the Northern California coast.
Mindset: The weekend prior to this trip, I had tested some of the mushrooms I’d bought. They were only a month or two dried, so their potency was still near its height. I tried the lemon tek technique, which I had not done before, and ended up getting knocked on my ass alone and terrified. Furthermore, I struggle with depression and anxiety, and had been going through a rather down period a few weeks leading up to this trip - feeling very dissociated from my sense of self and from the world around me. Therefore, I was a little nervous going into this trip with my boyfriend, but felt that if I could make it through that difficult trip and be able to hold onto my psyche throughout, I would be able to handle things this time as well. Using psychedelics with my depression consistently makes me feel much more grounded and connected when I come back to the world.
We drove out to the coast after he finished his morning class (around 11am) and parked on the cliff. There were more people out than I was expecting. We hiked down a trail to a little old abandoned schoolhouse and ate the shrooms there at the picnic table: 1.98g each, him a big cap, me a fat stem like a twig, on empty stomachs. He didn’t think it tasted too bad, and we washed it down with some orange juice. I was excited to show him the real deal, not just the little taste we had had on his first trip. Then we hiked down the trail to the creek and clambered over fallen redwoods and boulders to make our way up the creek bed to get away from any other hikers. We spread out a big blanket and opened a beer and poked around the creek a bit while we waited for it to come on.
The effects came on very quickly. Soon we felt a strong need to lay down, like we were being pulled to the earth. Swirling spiraling patterns came out of the wood and moss. The tree branches began to lace together above us. I could feel it getting stronger and stronger, in an almost erotic way, like building to an orgasm. I could feel it move through my body and the fractals of the trees and sunlight began to knit together above my head until everything was part of the pattern and I felt this bursting, indescribable joy.
I felt this bursting, indescribable joy.
It felt like the whole forest orgasmed, with me inside it! I wanted to kiss everything, every fiber and cell in my body was singing how glad it was to be alive. I thought about how shitty I have felt for so long, like my life doesn’t matter, like I was worthless. But now all I could think was that I was so, so glad to be here, that just existing was good and it was enough.
Eventually we got all snuggled up and I could feel and smell him and kept thinking about how we were people with whole lives that existed outside of this trip, separate lives and together lives. I thought about the last 8 months we’d spent getting to know each other and how we were going to come out of this on a whole new level. I thought about my life, going over memories, seeing how all those things made up who I was. I had the sense that I had done this before, or that things were unfolding according to a plan that I had known all along. “Yes, of course - this is how things are supposed to go.” Then I would remember that it was only his second mushroom trip, and think that however many times I had tripped before, nothing compared to this and how special this was. Something in me just kept saying, “This is important. Hold onto this.” So often with him I have felt that things unfolded perfectly between us, at just the right time. I’ve had the thought “meant to be” about him a few times sober, and this made that feeling really profound. I couldn’t stop crying at how beautiful and happy everything was. I finally felt like the wall had come down in me. I remember thinking, “This is your life. You need to start showing up for it.” I could see how much I have been holding back because I was afraid, and translating that into apathy and withdrawal from the world. I felt like I really needed to start participating.
After a few hours of being absolutely immobilized we made a few furtive attempts at getting down to the beach, but sort of just ended up moving a few things around and wandering away and back to the blanket a few times. We ended up falling all over each other. At one point he had me curled up in his arms and said something like that he had all of me; I felt very small and delicate and safe, and thought that he felt very strong and protective. Snuggling turned into touching and eventually sex. At one point, he actually said the exact words I wrote in a letter to him that I never sent - “I just want all of you.” I felt like I was going to come just from him putting his finger on my G-spot, not even moving. I didn’t feel guilty or like I was bad at sex, I felt like he genuinely enjoys enjoying me. We made love on the forest floor in a beam of sunlight, and he laid me down and looked at me and said my name and told me I was beautiful. I felt like a goddess.
Eventually we managed to get our things together, smoke a bowl, and head for the beach. There were a few people down there, so we climbed on the rocks a bit and played in the tidepools. When they left we spread out the blanket again in the cove and watched the sun go down.
I have had a lot of different trips with a lot of different people, including romantic partners. This was the first time I had ever had what I would describe as a profound, transcendent experience. I felt intensely connected to him, to my self and my body, and incredibly present in the world. Things felt more alive and real than they had in a long time. This feeling lasted for weeks after the experience: the depression lifted and I felt that my worldview shifted dramatically for the better. While the effect isn’t permanent, it gives me hope to know that those feelings of awe, beauty, and incredible intimacy are always available to me.
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