Citation: Nuben. "New Me Dead Me and Bwiti: An Experience with Tabernanthe iboga (TA extract) (exp107790)". Erowid.org. Jul 28, 2017. erowid.org/exp/107790
I Took about 1.5 grams of the T/A extract at about 6pm on 1/16/16. [M] recommended I take 3.2 for a flood dose, but my friend Megan and I had about 5 grams between us so we started small to see how it would effect us. Unfortunately, I had too much beer on an empty stomach and spent the night prior to Iboga spinning and puking. This weakened me, which was terrible and good at the same time, because it made the experience very hard and very strong. Also, it brought alcohol into the ring, something I had to deal with.
Sick of feeling gifted but always held back my habits, and knowing I lacked the initiation into manhood that most indigenous males are forced into, I was excited as well as nervous to embark on this journey, We ate the capsules, and put some Bwiti music on youtube. I laid back to pluck the ukelele and sing with this deep, vibrant, trancy music.
After about an hour, I grew incapacitated and closed my eyes. In the first vision, I found myself as a particle floating on the rim of a galactic whirlpool. Most of the visions were created by the same energetic circuitry I see in my eyelids or on DMT. Not as articulate as DMT though, they're more like soft hues on a black back drop, shapes form and focus as I relaxed. Well, I swirled into the center of this massive galactic whirlpool, and my viewpoint came out beneath it. Now I saw that I had been pulled through the center of the whirlpool and came out in a similar situation yet upside down and swirling the other way, in this donut shaped spherical thing that resembled the magnetic field of the earth. 'Whoah' I thought. Then the whole thing rose up and squished into the shape of the milky way galaxy... I couldn't move to express the excitement of my first vision to my friend, any movement pushed me into a realm of quick contrary currents of rainbow streamers that pulled me all over and nauseated me beyond belief. So relaxing again (like a salmon finding a still nook in a rushing river), two circles appeared. One in the foreground and one in the background, like a scope and target. I tried to line them up, and I got close, but I pulled the trigger and missed. This vision came back to me 3 more times throughout the night, the last time it came it blew my mind; I'll share why when we get there. (Many of the visions were forgotten immediately, usually when I got excited over understanding some supra logical geometric physics, something I don't have the capacity to carry into waking life.)
Well, I had to vomit so I stumbled to the toilet and heaved like I’d never had. All my filth was being rung out like toilet water from a wet towel. I saw and tasted the iboga, I hadn't ingested that much it seemed. Clumsily I collapsed on the floor with a towel over my head, and a vision came. Peeking out from some distant bushes, a Pygmy appeared. He floated up and looked at me. He was totally defined, though painted with light green and grey hues that kind of look like cgi. I could see his stubble, his cracked lips, his hair and eyes. Then more came and some left. Then this massive spherical star-ship, that looked like a harmless ghetto death star, floated by on my upper right and drifted off to the left. More starships, and some aliens happened. Then I noticed movement below, a path through a beautiful late 1800s park. People were dressed well, pushing strollers, having picnics. It was there whenever I looked down for that phase of the journey. Soon my friend's husband started encouraging me to get out of the bathroom, I tried and got to the living room, then started grand-mal heaving, and scurried back to the restroom to vomit like hell.
I laid back down, and was so tormented I started begging God to save me. I’d felt a pain in my chest the week prior, and for the first time in my life I had feared my heartbeat. My heart felt unhealthy and I knew people died from heart arrest on Iboga, so I was worried. In the midst of all the agony, an embarrassing memory came back to me, and my own voice from my near left screamed, 'JUST PUT A FUCKING BULLET THROUGH YOUR HEAD!' Shuttering I laid down again and a vision appeared in my upper right. It was my son, he's 15 months. He floated down with arms up and a huge smile like he was going to hug me, but drifted behind me to the left to a dark red reflection of me. My son fell short and crashed his face into the alter-me’s lap and the vision disintegrated. My heart sank.
Feeling my heart, I started to tap on it. It helped. I found that my sternum is very bassy and makes a great drum. Noticing my shoulders curl around my chest, I focused on pulling them back, giving more space to my chest. Tapping on my chest, I noticed my right pectoral is bigger than my left, which bugged me for a second, until I saw all the ways that being loppy like that actually fits in the world. I play stringed instruments and noticed that the right hand strikes, or creates, and the left hand receives and transforms. With my heart opening I had a vision of my baby mama. She was in so much pain, emotionally tormented, screaming, crying, collapsing and sobbing. After the birth of my son, and a bad ayahuasca session, we experienced trauma we were not equipped to heal. While she was in so much emotional pain, I was too wounded and closed off in my heart to feel it and transmute it. Now, I could really feel it.
Then, I saw my son again. He ran in, arms up and gleefully laughing like before. This time, the hues turned into beaming beautiful real life. Bright blue sky, vibrant green grass, my son in whites and blues, flew straight into my heart. My body was showered with light blue love and bliss. Not long after, the paramount vision of the trip occurred. A vast African landscape, full view, totally fleshed out. I’m standing on a cliff overlooking vibrant green plains, with a dark green forest in the midst. I look as I do now, but clear, strong, triumphant, confident. I’m holding a shepherd's staff, my rainbow streamers blow in the wind. I am handsome. I love everything about him (me). As I dwell in this vision, my heart fills with cooling bluish whites and greens. I'd drift off from the vision, but I could always come back to it. That was the man who I wanted to be. That is who I am.
Eventually, i made my way out of the bathroom and collapsed on the floor in the living room with my lovely comrade Megan. She wasn't nearly as nauseous as I was, and I felt happy to be there. The Bwiti music was still playing strong, and God it was so good. Eventually we changed it to Japanese meditation music, which was also very good. We lied on the floor and tripped out. Eventually I pulled myself out of the trip to look around, and Megan had left to go to bed. I felt the visions had diminished and felt the trip was closing up. I closed my eyes and the “target” test happened again. This was the 4th time.
This part is tremendously profound.
So I’d had this recurring video game-like challenge presented to me at least 3 times in my journey; once at the beginning, plus 2 more and here at the end of the “Big Trip”, once more. The circles appeared, one in the foreground, one in the background. They drifted around as I pulled them into focus, which meant aligning my head, neck, body and eyes into a perfectly straight line in congruence with these 2 psychic circles. Soon, they fell into perfect alignment. I was so excited, “Yes! The Iboga let me win the game to close-out the trip! My psychic powers are refined!” The target and the cross hair were aligned, and I pulled the trigger. Then, a massive bullet (in slow-mo of course) exited the background circle, drifted straight through the foreground circle, plowed through my head, and proliferated into red clouds behind me. I’d been shot point blank, executioner style.
Immediately this reminded me of the voice that yelled at me in the bathroom while I was begging God to save me, “JUST PUT A FUCKING BULLET IN YOUR HEAD!!!” In my distress, I revisited my Epic Scene of Self-Love, standing on the cliff with streamers and wind. Then it dawned on me, “This is New Ben. The one who yells at me is Dead Ben. Deadben is dead. Nuben is alive.”
Deadben dropped my son when he missed me earlier in the trip. He’s often on my left, and reddish-black. After that, whenever he showed up, I shot him; it was like shooting zombies.
Eventually I passed out, and had a very complex and humorous dream about stacks of dualities. Maybe someday I’ll write a short story about it :) Waking, life dawned on me. I planned to stay sober for 7 months, to refine the Nuben and prep me for a life full of psychedelics as an Entheogenic Practitioner. My sobriety was to be documented monthly through a lightly colored circle tattooed on my inner right arm. At the end of 7 months I’ll have 7 from my inner elbow down to my wrist. I instilled the fingers of my right hand with powers and pacts (reminders). Nuben was airy, fresh clean. (But still very nauseous…)
In the morning Megan came to chat and share her experience (Which was much more playful and gentle). I was still unable to move and as I chatted I got into some heavy things, and realized my heart was still unhealthy and pretty black. Eventually I made it to the restroom to vomit, then drug myself into the backyard where I collapsed in a pile of blankets. It was cool and cloudy, the ground was slightly damp, but it felt good.
After quite some time, I was able to lie straight and start whistling. Aligning my body, I started to Om. A white light poured into my chest, eviscerating the darkness. I began to breathe deeply, pulling it into my chest. It overflowed into my stomach, and brimmed and whirled until it pumped through my whole body. All my bones began to glow white, I was officially clean (on the inside).
I began to think about the last time I felt that way, it was 2 years ago after my first Ayahuasca experiences. I tried to think of what went wrong, and the trauma I felt with the mother of my baby came up. I felt red, and angry towards her. Then I realized that Deadben is hateful of other people, too; and Deadben is dead.
I was incapacitated all that day, lying on Megan's floor, recounting my stories to my friends. That night, my trip kept going, as I charged my body continuously with the White Light. The next day, I could still barely get up. It’s about 65 hours later now, and I’m still having streamers and rainbows. On only 1.5 grams.
So all in all, Iboga really was life-changing, but it was also seriously hard, which made it all the more life-changing.
Much love to you all and let's bring Iboga into the future! Listen to Bwiti Music!
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