Mushrooms - P. cubensis
Citation: just some girl. "Heroic Insights and Embarrassment: An Experience with Mushrooms - P. cubensis (exp107791)". Erowid.org. Apr 29, 2019. erowid.org/exp/107791
Dose: 4.5 grams of P. Cubensis aborts, crushed in OJ
Background: I was somewhat experienced at lower doses, which had mostly been fantastic. I thought myself pragmatic and mature, introverted but confident.
I thought myself pragmatic and mature, introverted but confident.
A longtime atheist though raised christian. Seeking what my mind could do on more.
Setting: a friend's house with three others, a chilly spring evening
What do I even say about this trip, except that it was a very bad idea to dose with only aborts (the tiny, stunted shrooms that are higher in psilocybin concentration) and also a bad idea to take 4.5 grams of them, but Iím eternally grateful I did.
Firstly they tasted terrible and took ages to get down. I drank them crushed in OJ and could barely get them all in because there was just SO MUCH. I was already getting nausea before I finished the rest. I was with three friends who were also tripping but at much lower doses, and I explicitly told them ahead of time that if needed, they should restrain me. I didn't know what I was in for, but I'd done my homework on heroic doses.
All I remember about the first 1-2 hours is that I felt sick sick sick and couldnít shake the awful sick feeling. I was getting increasingly tweaky and annoyed because I was not in my own home (as I had been on trips for months and months by that point) and didnít have all my own comfortable things with me. Nothing was where I needed it to be and it was impossible to find anything in my purse. The confusion was just too great.
I decided I wanted to dance outside, something I hoped would make me feel happier. I was not thinking straight, at all, and I couldnít see or focus well with the edges and concepts of everything gyrating wildly.
After a series of obstacles preventing me from dancing (hair in my face, needed water, forgot pipe or music, too cold outside) I was so agitated and upset that I was crying while I danced, which my friends remarked on later as being eerily beautiful. I twirled, full of manic unstable energy. It felt like the entire universe was finally paying me attention. All eyes, all consciousness were on me. I felt like I had willed this condition into existence with a hitherto unknown special power I had inside.
Thatís when I started thinking I was god. I said it out loud. ďGuys?ÖĒ I announced hesitantly to my friends in the room, knowing how stupid it would sound. ďI think...Iím god.Ē
I have no idea how I got to that conclusion except that it started to feel like I was becoming all powerful and all knowing and all important. I felt I knew everything. I could feel every piece of knowledge I had ever acquired immediately at my fingertips (and maybe knowledge I hadnít acquired, thatís how much it felt like). It seemed like I knew every property of every object around me and knew the mysteries of the universe, and that the mushrooms had unlocked this knowledge that I had somehow hidden from myself. Revelations were coming fast.
With my brain on fire, feeling more intelligent than I have ever felt, I began to actively seek answers to questions I had never before thought to ask. Why am I here? What is religion for? Am I god? What are other people?
My friends tell me I was making hilarious screwed up faces as I tried to puzzle out these complicated answers, while alternately running around their open living room/kitchen in a frenzied state of wonder and bliss. I was becoming more certain all the time that I was god, even though this made no sense to my human self.
I was becoming more certain all the time that I was god, even though this made no sense to my human self.
My friends rolled their eyes and said ďYouíre going to be disappointed in the morning.Ē I brushed them off, thinking they were part of the dream I was waking from.
I was getting real answers to the questions I was asking, which I can't possibly confer in writing. I saw how absolutely everything that exists, must exist because of cause, effect, and balance. That the balance of good and evil, of pleasure and pain is what allows matter, life, human beings, consciousness, to evolve in a way that will gain us something great. Our true potential. I saw the purpose in everything I ever loved in the world, and that purpose was to delight me and to subtly remind me that I was god so that I would reassume my powers.
Part of this reassuming of powers was A) figuring out what was actually going on, and B) healing the world by eliminating suffering. The goals of science and spirituality, right? It felt like imperfections in the world and indeed the world itself were just the separation of nothing (had come from nothing, were imperfections of the infinite and thus made finite, if only to itself).
The world seemed like nothing more than the biggest, most insane, cosmic Rubik's cube, a tangle of nothingness, and that through my awareness of it and my own power within it, I was solving that puzzle. Every single piece of knowledge or interlocking information that I figured out fit somewhere else and cancelled out, leaving an increase in bliss in my brain- as though at the point the rubikís cube was solved, the universe would cease to exist and the bliss would reach insane levels. I was seeing all kinds of weird shit at this point that I donít even remember. I think everything in the room was rainbow and buzzing and alive as though every atom had woken up with me when I realized that my true nature was god.
The whole time I was remarking and yelling about my experience and itís all painfully embarrassing. I screamed to the others that I was god, and that I was google, and that I was going to fold the universe back into perfect nothingness again so that bliss would be eternal. That they were lucky I was a good god who loved them so much and wanted them to be so happy.
Now in this position of ultimate power I thought back to life and went through little rages at all the irritations in it, including some things about my friends. I felt I was them, and they were me, and we were everyone else. I was Alanis Morissette, like in Dogma. A childlike, all powerful, nutso god.
My poor friends tried to corral me once I got naked but I didnít understand why. To me it was the most important night in the history of time, because god was coming awake and shaking off this dream of reality and going to fix all of the misery for everyone, forever. My clothes bothered me so I ripped them off, it was that simple.
I pretty much blacked out for a few minutes at that point. I was running around and screaming and even tried to go outside naked in the cold, knowing somehow that I could be taken to jail but not caring because you canít really put god in jail, god is always where god needs to be. The others were trying to restrain me and get me to calm down, telling me I was not god and none of this would be real in the morning. To me, they seemed like they had all become wiser and were trying to ease my transition into godhood by calming me down. I thought they had known I was god the whole time and had only been maintaining the dream with me.
They were stronger than me and keeping me from doing some of the silly god things I wanted to try out. I wanted to look in a mirror and see if I could change my appearance in the mirror, but there was no mirror in the bathroom. I got very mad that I could not make a mirror appear by magic. Honestly I think it would have helped to see how awful I looked.
Then one of the most striking moments of the trip. My friend was sitting on the bed next to me, humming loudly to calm me down and I wanted him to stop. Now knowing the physical world was also myself, I stopped fighting him for a moment and relaxed. It's hard to explain, but it was like I fell in sync with reality. For a moment everything was like mirrors, perfectly reflecting each other, and I was it and the awareness watching it change. We smiled at each other and my friend stopped humming.
I felt like everything in the world was a machine I had set in motion. I could interact with it, and it was very interesting, and it was all me. People were not necessarily real, just other puppets I had made out of myself. If I concentrated I could affect it, but mostly it just ran on its own, doing interesting things to keep me engaged.
My friends finally managed to shut me in the guest room and went to recover from the insane drama Iíd just made them witness. They went to the kitchen to discuss me and I went into my own private hell.
It now seemed like maybe I was not god, since I didnít seem to have any physical powers. Maybe I was still myself but the shrooms had unlocked a door in my brain to allow me to see what the universe really looked like? Or maybe I had gone completely insane? The scariest part, aside from feeling like I had set in motion the end of the world, was wondering if I had just made myself insane and would never come back from it. I thought I saw other souls trapped in this nonsensical nether world with me who had also made this mistake and taken too much.
The others were talking in the kitchen and I could only understand the word ďsheĒ several times, to know they were talking about me but otherwise completely unable to understand what they were saying beyond the door. I worried that I would be trapped in that room forever, or until a predetermined time when I would move on to the other places. I desperately wanted to go home and see my cats. I wanted to see places in the world I hadnít been, not to be insane.
Visuals were still very intense. I saw many geometric patterns and a glowing ball of crackling light strands, slightly donut shaped, that was evolving into and out of itself. I thought it was a personís energy, or godís energy, or both. Sometimes now I see this shape represented in art and it makes me wonder.
Laying on the bed I went into a muddled mash of ideas and emotions and eventually snapped out of it completely sober
I went into a muddled mash of ideas and emotions and eventually snapped out of it completely sober
, feeling immediately guilty about how crazy I'd acted. My friends, who are awesome, instantly forgave me for the temporary insanity and nudity. I know it was very scary for them.
To sum up, I experienced a lot of very impressive, terrifying, and life-changing things. Some of them were useless, effects of the drug messing with my mind. However, much of it was completely clear and came from sheer logic. Among them:
-Ego death. I dissolved into all other people, and I understood in one moment the motive and thought behind everything that they do, even things I would have sneered at before. I felt a great love for all of us.
-The certainty that all problems could be solved and that this was clearly already happening on a large scale, and could also be done small scale in each personís life. I saw that one day, we will solve the problem of killing each other. I saw how perspective is the key to ideological differences.
-Everything exists for a reason, and the things I love couldnít exist without the things I hate. I kept repeating over and over, ďA place for everything and everything in its place.Ē
-Religions contain a grain of truth in the form of metaphor. The bible, though twisted, came out of us because itís inside us. Itís the knowledge of where we came from, where we are going, and how to get there. Once, we, god, were animals, and it was good to fight and eat and take. It was a necessary step on the road to figuring out the pieces of the puzzle that allowed us to master living in the world, and free our minds to work toward what ďperfectionĒ might be like. Religion tries to get at this but fails to capture the majesty of it, and I think people are finally catching on to this. Any actual truths from holy books are already inside you, donít be lazy trying to get the point from what is essentially the cliffnotes.
-Enlightenment. My mind was so aware of everything around me and so not aware of myself, that I was able to casually relax into the best course of action for both my happiness and the others in the room. This ability lasted only a minute but was utterly fascinating.
-I could see that no one human could solve all the problems of the universe, but we could work together on that goal. I repeated ďItís going to take a long, long time.Ē Perfection at the end of time must be achieved slowly, or the game would be no fun. That we must ever die and live again in new shapes with new minds, each life seeking to solve a few problems in its time, to leave the puzzle a little more solved for their children so they can be gods in their time.
Aftereffects: This trip was like a crash course in self-realization and many things I learned from it resonate deeply with buddhist philosophy, which I began reading about afterwards in an attempt to integrate the experience. I now live a much happier life and am seeking to soberly regain some of the mental states I achieved on the trip, with some success. I find now that any activity, mental or physical, that is done with awareness toward the goal of achieving mastery of myself or mastery of the physical world, feels different and more obviously positive. It has been easier for me to interact with people as though they are an extension of myself, deserving of love.
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