DOSE:

5.05 g

oral

Mushrooms - P. cubensis

(tea)

BODY WEIGHT:

125 lb

5.05 dry grams of cubensis, ground into a powder and made into a lemon/ginger/honey tea. Poured boiling water over the powder, added other ingredients, stirred, and let cool for 30 minutes.

I was placed in an operating room, the theater was empty of people, but surgeons were available to help my body on the table, things flowing out of me, things flowing into me, the surgeons making expert tweaks and wisely reconfiguring the system. They didn't have answers per se, but they knew the challenges of day to day life. They knew that the human mind has no option except to attempt a model of consistency. Considering the smallness and vastness of all iterations, that it's all happening, all the time, and at every scale, that there are no pauses or breaks - what a fucking amazing construction, the human mind. Somehow, the infinite bigness and infinite smallness condenses. YOU emerge from the soup. You also never leave the soup, but the model the mind constructs would have you believe otherwise.

People's beliefs start making more sense, why does the mind construct a belief? A grasp for consistency, an explanation. I discovered that explaining, the act of and desire to explain, that's a fundamental aspect to us. Fortunately and unfortunately, the system that produces the explanation is both fully flexible and fully rigid. It seems that any belief is learnable. When you use the right system you're capable of a lot, but that's the great debate. To lose that life long conditioning is a challenge, even when you hate how you feel and know it's not right, how can you fucking change it. On one hand you can accept the fact of what simply is, maybe not a hard thing to do if you're generally happy with your life, but if you're not content with what 'is' in your life then that's a real problem - people kill themselves over this. But you can see the that mind has a lot of challenges to solve in order to build a consistent model of day to day life, and due to adaptability of the mind and the infinite number of possible experiences even on this tiny little world, we are demanded to cope with all of them, you have to acknowledge the possibility for some interesting models to happen.

I waited for some time in the operating room, wondering if this was it, am I bored? Which is insane to think now, looking back. No clue what the hell is going on, but eventually I stopped thinking about it. At the same time waves of tension and release, I don't know what exactly happened to me then, but I could physically feel the effects of me being reconfigured as cycles of tension and release.

Additionally, for this process to happen, I think it's very important to have my eyes closed, to be in darkness. I was warned the healing would have to stop if I tried to escape, if I left the inner world. Maybe I could get back to it, maybe not, but something definitely happens when the spell is broken. When my hands would approach my eyes, even by accident now that I think about it, my vision would be filled with unhappy faces sending me a message of No! In a parent keeping their kids out of trouble kind of way, not at all disturbing if still a stern reminder.

The surgery continued.

I then felt eyes upon me. Here I was totally open with every living aspect of me visible, when eyes started looking. Initially this made me uncomfortable. But remembered the sage advice of so many shroomers before me to just 'let it all in' and don't be afraid and soon came to peace with these looks. It's hard to understand why people look, now that I think about it I'm sure I look at a lot of things for reasons I'll never comprehend, but I did have highlighted how impactful the strength of a gaze to be. Who is this?

Me and the eyes sent vibrations to each other, thats how we communicated at this basic level, they knew my spirit, and as our vibrations were passed back and forth it seemed so simple that some I could connect with and others I could not. These are not judgements, just the simple reality that true connections are very real yet hard to come by, I knew I could connect with some and others I simply could not possibly connect with due to a fundamental aspect of reality. Additionally, some eyes will look closer than others, cast a more thorough gaze, but ultimately vibrations match or they don't. Even though day to day living is so much more complicated than that, still something to think about.

Then it became apparent that the tweaks were completed, I need to go test these new settings. I saw an image of myself as a child, simply leaving this space, all done back up and ready to try again, spiffy clothes, to take another shot at making a different life. Like leaving the house to go play, that was the image I received.

I've been reconfigured, with the intent being to simply make me better. Better suited to my current situation. I don't know who or what was helping me, but in that moment I had real help. I don't know if it's fully internal or if there really is something else out there, but damn did I get a powerful sense of it. Something wants me to be well and is willing to help. This force has the ability to reconfigure, it is life.

It seems unbelievable that it's simply there and waiting to help - but in a way it makes sense. When you start to get a sense that we're all one, it makes sense. Would you normally help yourself? Of course you would, but helping others is also helping yourself, when we're all one. Harming others is harming yourself. Helping others is helping yourself. So if all of that was actually true, and you really were awash in some higher (or lower?) state, it makes sense that anyone else there would naturally want to help you and NOT give you some terrible experience just to punish you, and today, while intense I do not feel punished. I just think it's worth noting I never felt out of control or scared, I was definitely feeling apprehensive on the dose before hand, so I'm glad about that now. But I also made sensible arrangements for the experience.

I asked for help to live again, and I've received that help. In ways I'm still figuring out, but I'm actually looking forward to tomorrow and I can't believe I'm saying that. How many other people are living and not looking forward to tomorrow. Having lived it for so many years now let me just say what a miserable fucking existence. It's a pretty awesome reminder, because even if the actual feeling doesn't last, at least I know that there is some configuration that works for me, I was alive with it for a while. The difference between what is fundamental and what is configuration has become more apparent, I won't be able to blame people so quickly anymore. We're all impossible anomalies, none of us have a hope in hell.

I have been disassembled and expertly reconfigured upon reconstruction. I do not believe it will be possible to forget this day. Tomorrow is a new day, and if I'm brave enough to try, I get to see what this recalibrated body is capable of.

And you, the sober reader. Awash in oblivion and chaos, yet somehow condensed into your mortal body, eyes pointed towards these tiny words. How the Fuck can any of that be possible.

Thanks for reading.

Exp Year: 2016	ExpID: 109174
Gender: Male
Age at time of experience: 30
Published: Jul 21, 2020	Views: 657
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Mushrooms - P. cubensis (66) : Entities / Beings (37), Therapeutic Intent or Outcome (49), General (1), Unknown Context (20)