DOSE:

oral

Mushrooms

(ground / crushed)

BODY WEIGHT:

210 lb

Having consumed marijuana all my adolescent and adult life in varying forms and laughing till it hurt each time, the novelty of the drug wore off when I hit my late-20s. Maybe marijuana is actually a 'gateway drug' as the experts would like you to believe or maybe I was seeking for answers in my life that laughter couldn’t provide. My buddy's invitation to 'try out' mushrooms was the safest way to get introduced to psychedelics and seemed like a welcome break. After reading famous peoples’ experiences on LSD (Steve Jobs, Sam Harris among others), the young, ambitious and spiritual side of me warmed up to the idea of psychedelics. Yes, LSD and mushrooms are different words; but experts concur that the kinds of hallucination are rather similar. The realization that our brain and subsequently emotions, feelings are by-products of the arrangement of neurons made me want to 're-wire' mine. Meditation was a close second, but who cares for resolute daily practice for years on end to answer couple darn questions? If solitary drug experiences for such successful people ended up changing their view on world and the trajectory of their lives, my hope was that it would at least change the way I looked at myself. After all, I wasn't looking to conquer the world like Genghis Khan, just seek within to find answers. I hoped that the drug would guide me to my true nature and yield answers to questions like - Who was I? What was I meant to do in life? What is the purpose of living? Little did I know then that these questions, by their very nature, can never be answered in a jiffy; if at all. The best of the lot took their whole lives; how presumptuous and cocky of me to think that my first “trip” will yield worldly insights on the nature of consciousness. Alas,the fountain of youth is both presumptuous and one-eyed.

Before embarking on any potential irreversible journey, we all weigh pros and cons. Questions like- What if I overdose? What if I rewire my brain and lose my identity? What if I lose the little short-term memory I have left (the rest was lost to alcohol)? Will I die? started to grip my conscious self. I had no choice but to reach out to the orchestrator of this trip, P for general advice. “Know thy levels” [Shroomery Trip Reports scale] he said. I knew I had to get to a 3; 4 would have been equally fine but that would mean fear and blood both running through my body. 'Try being in a positive state of mind to have a good trip', P was quick to add. “It is a highly internal experience with little in the outside world changing”. With that factored in, I decided to shoot for a 3. Knowing that P had tried it before and was going to test out the potency of the dosage through self-administration prior to our trip, I left the technicalities (setting, ambience, support) to him while I fought fear and negativity during the build-up to the trip. Having done my own research, I came to know that LSD and mushrooms end up providing a similar experience. Add to that the 'organic-ness' of mushroom and that it has been naturally occurring for eons, it must serve a purpose, right? It wasn’t as though some crazy scientist concocted this up while working on another random experiment. Having comforted myself with questionable statistics such as 'No one has ever died after consuming mushrooms', I was relying on the wisdom of my ancestors to not die.

The mushrooms that P came up with were home-grown with spores bought off the internet. After meticulous preparation and tending-to, the little babies were ready after a two-month regimen. The 'set' comprised of P, myself and two other friends (K and C) who were more acquaintances at that point. Have a safe environment is what all the experts suggested. After multiple assurances from P that the other two were 'cool', I went into the session at K&C’s cozy apartment (both were roommates) knowing that I won't be raped, murdered, played with, teased and judged for being high and out of my wits. Plus, since there hardly would be any smell associated, the risk of the neighbors ratting you out on your indiscretions was minimal. Powdered mushrooms mixed with Gatorade – liquid of the gods! The taste of the mushrooms themselves was bland, to say the least. 'Tastes just like mushrooms' was the first thought that came to mind. But there was nervous anticipation and fear underneath that statement, not knowing what to expect. For reasons that I couldn’t fathom, we ventured out into society having consumed the stash. It took about 10 minutes to get to the venue where P's wife was performing from our den.

30 minutes after having ingested it, the journey began. At first, was the half-baked realization that I was not okay. That middle ground where the 'high' has not reached its peak but you also know you aren't normal anymore. A slight tingling sensation in your brain akin to an itch. Every muscle in your body wants to expand, like the universe. I felt slightly drugged, yet almost powerless. Fighting gravity seemed like a chore. But it was familiar territory. Much like how marijuana sets me up before it takes over my body. All was well, except for the drowsiness. It may have just been lack of sleep the night before, I argued with myself. A few minutes later, as I tried my gravity-fighting routine (a theme that lasted all night long), resting my head on the table in front of me seemed relaxing. Who wants to carry that big head of mine anyway? Screw that. As the performers started doing their thing, I had to keep my head off the table out of respect as a patron but gravity still seemed like an unnecessary force, trying to weigh me down. Getting into my playful mode, I tried tilting my head side wards and sticking my tongue out loose to see if gravity would still push it to the floor. While I was trying to be the next Newton, I am sure my friends around me and people at the venue thought I was either mentally challenged or just plain dumb. With Middle Eastern music blaring out of the speakers a few feet away from my ears, I decided that I had had enough. It was time to return to KC's house and just chill the fuck out. Never been the type to get excited about loud music in clubs anyway.

As we gathered outside in the brutally cold Midwest winter before we moved over to our car, I saw the establishment's sign board and thought it was too small. It was then that I realized that everything around me seemed compressed. Like those magic mirrors at state fairs that make things look small, fat or long. I felt like a minion walking along the pavement with my legs bent for additional effect. Laughter all over because that just meant that the 'trip' had actually begun. I had this childlike wonder where I just couldn't believe that the world could be so compressed. Knowing very well that things will soon get weird - we hopped into K's Mustang to head home. C assured us that he was okay because he had consumed enough only to get to a level 2 and knowing how crazy creative C is, 2 seemed like normal to him anyway. [Erowid Note: Driving while intoxicated, tripping, or extremely sleep deprived is dangerous and irresponsible because it endangers other people. Don't do it!] K and P sat in the back and since I was walking slow and funny, I was the last to reach the car and got the front seat, by default. What luck! As I sat in the car, with it being dark- the dashboard of the Mustang was lit up in gorgeous neon blue. Unlike other cars where the dashboard panel starts and ends rather quickly, this one stretched from the driver side to the passenger side, illuminated in that delightful blue. That's it - it was our space ship! I frenziedly started hitting the buttons simulating our space voyage. At some level, one knows what is true and what isn't but this lie I told myself about the space ship didn't seem one then. I was living the reality I had planted in my brain. C was happy to oblige us in our fantasy (By then P was in his element too) - driving along narrow Midwest roads in a Mustang at 105 miles/hour. The acceleration of the car felt very much like a shuttle launch with my eyes ready to pop out as I peered out ahead onto the road. I was overcome by the sheer power of the machine we had boarded and the ride, although short, seemed like an eternity. I am sure no space mission in the history of the world was as cool as the one we experienced. Move over, Neil Armstrong!

After that 10 minute ride in our Battleship (seemed like an eternity – thanks Einstein), we were back at the pad. Knowing that we won't have to move for the next several hours was comforting. As I entered the well-lit living room that C had artistically laid out, I couldn't help but wonder how sharp and bright each color in the room was. Ever experience the joy of getting something in focus on a DSLR camera while adjusting it manually? That's how intense and sharp the colors felt. It wasn't as though I missed the prior blurriness but I wouldn't lie that this current lens I had on was just perfect.

Standing beside the floor lamp, I decided to test gravity again. Hunched over and letting my head hang loose beneath by abdomen, I wanted my head to just be there. But then again, this wasn't a vacuum chamber, so I tipped over and fell to the ground cursing gravity for being pervasive. Distraught that I wasn’t able to beat gravity, I started roaming the room with a spring in my step to cheer myself up. As I looked around, a majestic painting on the wall caught my eye. This remained a major source of obsession for what felt like a long time. This was a painting, predominantly in black, white and grey of a well-chiseled Superman with S letter pattern on the chest painted in bright red. The chest was mighty huge with his overall posture and frame ripped. I was blown away by how majestic it all looked and how he might just be the protector of the world. The fine intricacies within the painting held my attention for a while. It was a thing of wonder. Having always been ignorant of art pieces and almost disinterested, it was surprising to see that one simple painting could hold my attention and fascination for so long. Maybe the underlying meaning of what it meant for me was perhaps the reason- I wanted all human beings including me to be just like him - fearless, dauntless and the protector of the less privileged. What a noble goal to have!

Having spent a considerable amount of time gazing and admiring my special Superman, I felt spent. Sleep deprived and drugged, I closed my eyes for a brief moment, almost ashamed that I wasn’t doing my trip any justice. I mean who sleeps when a life-changing experience is to be had! But little did I realize that this act of supposed weakness was the actual point of the drug. The experience is all internal, remember? Nothing in the physical world changes. Without me even giving it a thought, I was sucked into my dream-like state.

At first, I could make very little sense of what was going on with my eyes closed. There were a lot of random colors and a hodgepodge of shapes. But as my mind grappled with the drug, some patterns started emerging. The first theme of the night was futuristic. Clean, metallic, simple cuts, minimalistic patterns began floating against a black backdrop. Note- the black backdrop stayed consistent throughout the night. I could only see metallic patterns covered in silver, floating and beckoning me to make sense of it. I could only mutter “Future” under my labored breath, as I observed the first theme unfold. I was hooked to say the least, by the power of my imagination. I wanted to share this with my friends around, so I opened my eyes to narrate this experience but struggled to explain what I saw. P seemed to understand and encouraged me to continue my exploration.

Feeling awful that I was being anti-social, I had a tinge of guilt as I continued to indulge in this fantasy again with my eyes shut.
The second theme of colors was the best part about the trip. As opposed to the first theme that was vague; this one, although simple, seemed to strike a chord with me. Against the black backdrop, I saw rich colors in liquid form streaming from the top of the black screen to the bottom. Yellow, Orange, Red, Green, Blue – all in succession. The first three seemed to occur a lot more than the others because they were warmer colors. The intensity and the richness of these colors just astounded me. At a certain point, I was filled with gratitude that I was able to witness such a thing of beauty. I was gracious to have been alive and was truly happy to be a human – that’s how beautiful that display of colors. As I opened my eyes, I could see the others look at me with a smile, fully knowing I was comfortable in this other world of mine. They let me be and I am highly grateful for that. Wanting to engage society and its inhabitants was the last thing I wanted at that point in time.

Unable to match the intensity of the colors, I could only spend some time in my other world and had to come back to check up on my real world to see how it compares. It seemed like a fragment of the wondrousness; yet I tried to mirror my experiences in the other world fully acknowledging that it was this world I had to exist in eventually. The closest we could get to my other world in a cozy apartment was to watch fireworks on Youtube or the colorful Windows 95/98 screen savers with their dynamic patterns. As I vocalized my request with much effort to my comrades, I could see P wanting to experience the same thing. A few minutes after scrolling through Youtube, we chanced upon a display of fireworks filled with all the colors I had just seen. As fun as it was to see it on an LCD screen, there was a tinge of disappointment towards the end despite the interest because my brain could decipher that it wasn’t real. It was just a screen, in the end. The spectacle in my head with my eyes closed seemed real.

Having moved on from the fireworks, we started watching television with people on screen. For some odd reason, the people seemed real. As though everything portrayed was happening right in front of me. I was in the frame, not a third person observer. Thus began the third theme – partial loss of self and compassion. As Sam Smith, the musician cried on screen- all I wanted to do was to comfort him. So much so, that I ended up patting his head (on the screen) trying to comfort him. As people started celebrating weddings in the next scene, I had this instant desire to stand up after hours and partake in the celebration. Reel life had become real life! Running out of energy soon, I preferred switching over to my other world where all I had to exercise was my mind. Expecting those beautiful colors, I dived in; but I found a metallic silver snake head rise up through the darkness with fountains of colors besides its frame. Scary at first, I consoled myself that this wasn’t going to hurt me. It was an image, that’s all.

The sudden and forceful image stoked up a few negative emotions ending with me curled up on the floor. It was then that I had a classic “out-of-body” experience to help me cope with fear. I saw a version of me running his hands through my hair and patting me; comforting me that everything is going to be ok. It felt good. As I opened my eyes, I realized that I had been patting myself but also acknowledged that it felt good and that the “other me” was caring – that filled me with great empathy for myself. It felt good to be vulnerable and I was amazed that I could comfort myself physically in times of distress without having to rationalize anything in my head, a first for me.

As I came back to the real world, the fourth theme (consciousness and purpose) had just planted its seed in my head. It was a by-product of the TV show, COSMOS hosted by Neil deGrasse Tyson, the famed astrophysicist. One of the first few episodes revolved around our universe; expounding on the history and its future. Having learnt through the show that there have been five extreme mass extinction events on planet earth, resiliency seemed to be in the earth’s genes. Life ceases to exist but somehow finds its way back after millions of years. But what about my visions to improve the world I live in by making it a better place? Keeping climate change in check, eradicating poverty, creating sustainable global systems for consumption. Does that even matter if everything is to perish eventually? Given that life eventually decays and regenerates 100s of million years later, why should I even care about the next 100 years and fight to preserve it?

As I grappled with these questions, I started imagining the world in an easy to understand format to help answer this question. It was then that I dawned on this profound realization that everything that exists around me is carbon and other natural elements. The space around me; including me is just like a heat map we see in movies. Most green (cool), some yellow (warm) and few red spots (hot). It all seemed to make sense. Combining that theory with Neil’s (ultimately Sagan’s as I came to realize) acute scientific observation that all living beings on this planet have rather similar genetic makeup- I chanced upon a spiritual hypothesis- That life on earth is all the same, man, mammal or fish. We are all made from natural elements and end up being another form of natural elements when we die. We are all cut from the same cloth. The progress of one is the progress of all and vice versa. We may not know why we are on this planet but we sure know that we are in it together and we should stick together – man, mammal or fish. Excited at my realization, I opened my eyes to blurt out “I don’t fear death” because that was the first thing that came to mind. Carbon and other elements – dead or alive; are all the same was my underlying emotion.

Ideally, I should have stopped then and devoted myself to cultivating this “oneness” for the rest of my life. But because we tend to complicate simple realizations, I wanted to rationalize this intuitive theory and dived into asking people around the reason for humanity’s existence if we are getting wiped out eventually. After much deliberation, C pointed out that as a human race, we all strive to be better. We live on this earth more comfortable than before because our ancestors dared to question the status quo and fought for some of the rights and privileges we now take for granted. In the same vein, we should be bettering the world around us for our children. How many generations will survive before the next exodus is moot. It took a while to digest this but it made sense. Armed with this new found spiritual lesson, I wanted to share it with the world. Sensing that I had a lot to share, C asked me to scribble my thoughts on a piece of paper. With my suspect motor skills, I was able to eke out something I could read when sober. It went like this –
I am writing to all you earthlings……
Life is real simple…..
We are all atoms….
Nothing else…
We attach too much importance to ourselves….
Just enjoy the life we have….
Be grateful to have existed….
It may end too soon…..
LOVE and PEACE TO ALL……

Not satisfied that there was enough meat to it since people can be fickle-minded, C cajoled me to write more. Reluctantly, I wrote the following-
I don’t know why we are here….
But give everyone hugs…..
Advertising is shit….
Society is just a construct…..
Life is colors, feelings and sensations…..
Emotions are necessary for us to live on….
Without it there wouldn’t be a reason to live…..
Ralph Waldo Emerson’s quote (that I just couldn’t remember to write down but listed below)

To laugh often and much; To win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children; To earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends; To appreciate beauty, to find the best in others; To leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch, or a redeemed social condition; To know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is to have succeeded.

Having gained the perspective I had hoped to, I retired comfortably to my other world. With the music on, all my beautiful patterns and colors seemed to align themselves with the music, like the equalizer on a Winamp player. Only difference being – the input to this visualization was music beats and the output – glorious, colorful vibrating patterns. Amazed at what my mind was doing, I enjoyed this 3-D music experience. It was like a rave in my head minus the ambience. I was one with the music.

Having lost track of time, I could feel the effects slowly start to wear out after 5 hours (checked my cellphone for the first time). I didn’t feel as tired as I should have but was ready to sleep. I woke up the next day, feeling calm. It almost felt like I had shed my old skin. For the next few days, I felt very centered, confident, observant and mindful – almost like I was eternally meditating. I loved every bit of the re-wiring that occurred. But one thing I noticed with that zen-like mindset was the loss of libido. Sexual thoughts, in my opinion require a complex thought process generating an ever more complex reflex response linking the brain, nerves, blood intricately. It is not a mindful process; since it is mostly rooted in fantasy. That was the best I could come up with for this change. Towards the end of the week, I was starting to freak out, hoping that my libido would be restored to normalcy (much like any guy does); which it did, thankfully! But that also meant, the thoughtful, mindful side had vanished with it as well. But great things came out of it as well - P and I both decided that this will be the preferred drug of choice for our retirement days. I realized that spirituality is a journey and my purpose in life is to be of service to others while exploring my creativity and cultivating that feeling of oneness I feel with the world. The world didn’t seem as scary and disjointed anymore. I knew of my current place in it (small cog in the wheel of life) and was humble enough to admit that this may change. It felt great to have that perspective.

However, that bliss was short-lived. Throughout the next week, all I wanted to do was re-create my other world and just immerse myself in it to experience those worldy emotions and thought patterns. The real world still seems too much of a pain to live through. I need my other world.
Till next time….
#lifeissufferring.

Exp Year: 2015	ExpID: 109956
Gender: Male
Age at time of experience: 27
Published: Nov 15, 2020	Views: 592
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Mushrooms (39) : Small Group (2-9) (17), First Times (2)