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I Was Slowly on the Crawl Out of Depression
Citation:   LifeIsIntense. "I Was Slowly on the Crawl Out of Depression: An Experience with Mushrooms (exp110595)". Jul 16, 2019.

0.5 g oral Mushrooms (ground / crushed)
Bipolar and Mushrooms

Setting: My living room after a clean up

Mindset: Optimistic with some concern. I have been diagnosed bipolar this year, with the possibility of schizoaffective being explored. My therapist and doctor have both advised me against using psychedelic drugs.
My therapist and doctor have both advised me against using psychedelic drugs.
This gave me some concern. However, I was mostly optimistic, because what I identify as my first mood episode, happened about 20 trips ago, and I have not had a long term adverse reaction yet. Normally I consume between 1 and 3.5 grams dried mushrooms. I scaled back this time to half a gram, just to be safe and see.

Preparations: I waited until a manic episode was over, the crash had happened, and the worst low of the depression was over. I would say I was slowly on the crawl out of depression the night of consumption.

Dosage: I consumed a powered half a gram mixed into a ginger beer (non-alcoholic).

Medication/Supplements: I take no lithium or anti-psychotics for my bipolar. I have decided that medication is not for me after thorough research. I do take N-ACETYL CYSTEINE supplements, ashwaganda supplements, omega-3 supplements, B12 supplements, and folic acid. All these supplements are taken daily.

Physical Effects: I became cold and required a blanket. This often happens to me.

Mental Effects: Noticeable at about the half hour mark. Change in thought process first. Flight of thoughts, beautiful but unable to hold on to, quite like the flight of thoughts in mania, but less frustrating. The thought of motion is discretized. A general feeling of self-acceptance. I am dealing with a good deal of PTSD; lately I have loathed myself for failing to see an abusive person in my life for what they were. The mushrooms facilitated a self-acceptance process.
The mushrooms facilitated a self-acceptance process.
The denial was a survival strategy. I was surviving. I need to forgive myself I decided.

After this self-acceptance breakthrough, things take a dark turn. I re-experience the screaming of an abusive family member as a child. Not the visual. Just the voice - screaming and rambling. The screaming sticks around for several minutes. Very disturbing. I hope the voice does not stick around. Eventually, it leaves.

The walls are breathing periodically through out the experience. They reverberate. I look up at my chalk board, and an alien face forms from the dust. Geometric patterns of lines form in my visual field. They're not really there, but I recognize there are lines in my field - the image recognition of my brain sees the geometry but I cannot see them somehow.

Things begin to die down at about the 90 minute mark. The beneficial after effects begin. I want humans to succeed. We can probably do it too.

Several days later, I am still out of depression. The mushrooms have seem to ended this last depressive episode prematurely. It is wonderful to only have to manage my PTSD at the moment and not my bipolar.

Exp Year: 2017ExpID: 110595
Gender: Male 
Age at time of experience: 33
Published: Jul 16, 2019Views: 639
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Mushrooms (39) : Therapeutic Intent or Outcome (49), General (1), Unknown Context (20)

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