Citation: LaLa1.75. "The End is the Beginning: An Experience with Mushrooms (exp110690)". Erowid.org. Jul 29, 2017. erowid.org/exp/110690
I'm 45 years old, at the end of an 18 year marriage and barely functioning. I was using pain pills and cocaine to get through my long workdays as a truck driver. Depression had consumed me so my son suggested I trip and he was right.
It took a long time for me to find mushrooms but I did. Back in the 80's I tripped on acid but it was to party. This time I wanted a spiritual experience and to approach a natural substance with respect.
I was told not to do this alone but I didn't listen, I knew it was a journey I had to take and I thought doing it with others might turn into a party or a nightmare. I asked my soon to be ex husband to leave for the night and I consumed 1.75g of A+ Albino at 6:23pm on a Thursday evening.
At first I was having a good time laughing and listening to music but about an hour and a half in, my son called and the sound of his voice made me very uncomfortable. I knew that he was encroaching on a spiritual experience and he didn't belong. Things started to go sideways for me so I laid down on the couch and turned off the music and phone and close my eyes and my mind started racing with questions. Why am I here? (What does it matter) What do I do now? (It doesn't matter)
I became very frightened and in my mind I could see earthy brown and red colors and there were holes and lots of texture. I became aware of a baby in a tree who reminded me that I asked for this and that it was my choice to be here. She asked what I wanted to do and I said I want you to take me there and she did. The colors were black and purple and cold blue and gray and everything was connecting and disconnecting and coming back together again immediately as if it never happened. I knew that I was in the presence of other forms of consciousness and that we were all connected. In that moment I knew that loneliness was self imposed, a prison and a total lie.
In that moment I knew that loneliness was self imposed, a prison and a total lie.
Then the cycle began. I would go from terrified to extremely peaceful, back to terrified. All my life my own heartbeat has given me anxiety. It pestered me like a constant tap on the shoulder but I became aware that my heart beat is proof of my connection to other life in this human form and in the other realm. That I'm a part of more. Of many. I realized I should respect it because it's constantly reminding me that I'm alive.
Then I became really frightened again and I turn my phone on and I texted my soon to be ex-husband and I asked him to come home. He came about an hour later and the fear had passed again and when he opened the door and walked in two things happened. 1- I knew he didn't belong there and I asked him to leave and 2- I knew that he was the human embodiment of all negativity and that I CONJURED him. As easily as I invited him, I asked him to go away and he did. That's when I knew that I have the power to choose happiness or strife.
In the meantime of all of this I kept questioning my purpose and the answer was always the same; it doesn't matter. Turns out it does, I just wasn't ready to hear it.
The cycle of terror and serenity continued but the terror became so great I wanted to die. I was exhausted and it was hard to pull back out of that realm to drink water or get up to pee. I began fearing death and pictured my body rotting and feeling humiliated that I would be found that way but always that mantra was there; it doesn't matter.
I felt so horrible I began begging for death because I couldn't stand it anymore, I just want it all to end, and my heart began pounding and this time I knew was screwed. There was nothing I could do to get out of this but I was in the wrong place. I was on my couch and that wasn't the place that I was going to die. People go to the hospital to die so, yep, I called 911.
I didn't want help, I just wanted them to take me to die. I told the dispatcher I ate mushrooms and was pretty sure I was dying and she asked why, I said because my heart was beating out of my chest. She asked about my breathing, I said it was fine. She asked about my color, I said it was normal. She asked if I really wanted help, I said yes. She said to open my door and wait so I did. I felt like she was there to guide me, like she was in on a joke that I wasn't.
The moment I heard the sirens I panicked. I'm a truck driver and I just got a new job and I thought, this is it. I've done drugs and my company is going to find out and fire me. I've ruined my life. If I live it's all over and I'm going to be homeless, unemployed, unmarried and die in the street. I called my son and he said 'no, you didn't ruin your life! Just tell them you felt bad and now you feel better and they can go away!' So I did.
They were so nice and slightly amused and again I felt like they were in on a joke I didn't get. They asked me questions like what year is it, who's president, my DOB and address. I was very annoyed because it was mostly numbers and numbers were so stupid in that moment but then I realized that those stupid numbers were the only way they could identify me within the universe so I answered reluctantly. I asked if they were going to take me away and he said not without my permission. He asked what I took and I said mushrooms and I asked if he was going to call the cops. He said it's not illegal to take drugs, just to possess them. I said well, I don't have them anymore. I thanked them and said goodnight and that's when I realized that I don't have the power to ruin my life. I'm one of many. It would take far more than any trigger I could pull to ruin what's not entirely mine. The absurdity struck me and I realized it was only my ego that ever made me believe I was capable of taking down what's far greater than myself because I'm not myself. I'm me and you and her and him.
I came back inside and laid down and the cycle of peace and terror kept going. I didn't understand why I couldn't die and then I just suddenly did. I remember the words clearly. 'This is my death.' It hit me like a hammer. I died and the instant I did I began again. It was seamless. It went off without a single pause, hitch or ounce of pain. I was suspended in a feeling of floating and I had a very clear knowing that I was in a womb. I was filled with so much gratitude and so many things became clear all at once.
I asked for this life. I chose this body. I won't be rewarded with more until I make everything I have as beautiful as it can be. I must be kind to my fellow man. I must respect man's law. I must not judge others. I am a worker bee, not the queen. Our consciousness is entwined like the mycelium that produced the catalyst for this experience. Our bodies are the fruit of that consciousness and we're meant to reproduce because time and space is never ending and requires constant expansion. Our thoughts are the spores we project into the universe and we have every control over whether they're poisonous or enlightening. When my body dies... It doesn't matter. I have purpose, peace and I have reconciled my place in the universe. There is no pain in death and only joy in rebirth.
When I emerged from the womb I was convinced that this dual reality, the teetering on the edge of here and there, was my new existence. I was convinced that everyone in the world was in on the joke and I was just getting the punchline. I wanted to explore so I grabbed my phone again and logged onto Facebook. I sent out a call by posting 'Hello?' in my status. I got a reply, 'Well hi there.' I had the thought that everyone on Facebook was everyone I've known my entire life and that their faces could be exchanged for one another but it was nice that they had that face because that's the way I recognized them. And their names were just the sound I make to get their attention but they could also be exchanged.
I asked 'Is this it? Is there more? What do I do now?' but I didn't get an answer. People just kept saying hello and I kept telling them that I loved them and that they're beautiful and that you and I are one.
The experience began fading very fast from that point on and I began feeling normal, but new. It was 12:14am. There was a newness and a sameness and I still can't quite make sense of it. I'm still me but I'm better. Had I gotten drunk and called 911 I'd be humiliated but I'm not. There's not been one cringe or sinking feeling. I've been criticized, laughed at and there's been attempts to shame me but I feel nothing about it. I feel like I can't blame them, I would've done the same the day before.
I think what I'm saying is I feel enlightened. New. Better. Without baggage. Reborn.
I hope you find what you're looking for as well and, if you have, I hope you cherish it. Thank you for reading.
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