DOSE: T+ 0:00	3 caps	oral	Mushrooms
T+ 0:30		oral	Mushrooms

BODY WEIGHT:

180 lb

[Erowid Note: Driving while intoxicated, tripping, or extremely sleep deprived is dangerous and irresponsible because it endangers other people. Don't do it!]
12:30 pm: Attempted to microdose a few caps of mushrooms and go to the store. On my way to the store, I began to shake and my hands on steering wheel began to have a fluid texture to them. Realized I’d taken too much, so I decided to go home and finish the full dose, since I was already feeling it.

1:00 pm: Took the rest of the eighth of mushrooms. Went upstairs to sit in silence and meditate into the experience. Didn’t open eyes for, maybe an hour-and-a-half, two hours.

3:00 pm: “I Am Loved. I Am Vulnerable. It’s Okay.”

4:00 pm: “This is very intense. I am experiencing a lot. I am scared and want this intensity to end sometimes but I know I need this.”

4:35 pm: “I am having a hard time coming back from this fear, but it is coming. In waves. Waves of joy and composure. Between crying on the floor of the bathroom. Man, all these feelings. When would have been a good time to experience these? It had to be now. It may as well have been now. It needed to come out in order for me to move forward. I am thankful for this opportunity to focus solely on these fears and anxieties — what I keep calling them — but really, these are just strong feelings needing to be felt that I have been neglecting. I feel light. I feel happy, again. I am just faced with weight, with seriousness, now, and that will pass eventually. Just feel it out. I can feel the grasp of these feelings releasing on me just through the simple act of acknowledging them.

5:00 pm: Bundled up and took a walk. Put headphones in and put on “Innerspeaker” by Tame Impala. Was able to process the experience and look at it in a more positive light. Felt the incredible feeling of control returning. Roommate met with me for a time and was the first person I was able to verbalize that I was feeling okay and coming to terms with the experience to. It was good to say it out loud and get it out of my head. Helped me solidify my feeling on the experience a little bit.

6:30 pm: “This experience went totally different than I had expected, which seems to be one of the only predictable things about mushrooms — unpredictability. It was really horrifying for a while, there. Felt like I had been swimming in anxieties and fear for an eternity. But I came out of it. I was able to have, acknowledge, experience, and surrender completely to those feelings, and come out of it. It really felt like I was never going to come out of that. Thank you for letting me come out of that. Thank you for letting me experience these emotions head on, instead of just being frustrated for having them. Thank you for giving me tears. Thank you for giving me tears. Thank you for providing me with the awareness of love in my life during this experience. Thank you for scaring the everloving shit out of me. It sucks, but it’s good to have the shit scared out of you every once in a while. Man. I am really shaken up. I am glad to feel in control, again. I feel more in control, now, than before I started this today, actually. More in control of these feelings. Also more aware. It is still kind of hard to come to terms with. I still don’t exactly know where this fear is coming from. But I certainly feel better equipped to manage it in the future. There was a beautiful moment of reconnection to my childhood self when I was crying in the bathroom. Crying brought me back to that wild, out-of-control feeling of having emotions you don’t understand. I wanted to bury myself in my partner’s chest. In my Mom’s neck. I felt so alone for a time. Alone with this fear. Alone with this fear. But, I’m not. I’m not. I am not alone with this fear.”

10:20 am, 11/7: Went to partner’s house around 7:00pm last night and felt so relieved. So happy and calm. I felt much lighter and her presence was incredibly refreshing and reassuring and helped reinforce the point I had reached in realizing that I am not alone. I felt like my thoughts were a little disjointed and disconnected at first. I noticed myself responding to things my partner was saying with slightly unrelated things, usually having to do with myself. Got quiet for a bit after calling myself out on that in my head. Her laying on me, on the couch, me half-asleep, stroking her hair, kissing intermittently and watching “Cheers.” Then, making love — feeling the power of release and relief within both of us, lost in her eyes in my eyes. Then, holding her and her holding me as we collapsed into sleep together. I can’t think of a better way to have integrated my mushroom experience and the message I was left with — “I am not alone with this fear” — than that. While I do still feel I am processing the experience, I am thankful for it and I feel like a weight has been lifted from me.

It seems mushrooms introduce me to different sides of myself each time I take them. Whether that be the side of me that can feel pure joy, truly appreciate beauty, or feel the intensity of real fear and sadness.

Exp Year: 2017	ExpID: 111304
Gender: Male
Age at time of experience: 22
Published: Feb 7, 2018	Views: 852
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