Mushrooms - P. cubensis
Citation: Mr. X. "Cosmic Hell: An Experience with Mushrooms - P. cubensis (exp111367)". Erowid.org. Oct 11, 2021. erowid.org/exp/111367
This is the story of a terrifying, enlightening, and incredible learning experience. Within this last year I have found spirituality and started practicing it regularly. I have always had an attachment with this path seeing as I grew up with a wiccan mother. I have been seeking answers for what is beyond the veil of what we call our 'reality'; I have always known there was more than what meet's the eye. Over the last couple years I have had an interest in participating in an Ayahuasca ceremony to find some answers about the other side and even about myself. I live in Northern Canada and cannot afford to travel halfway across the world to participate in a true shamanic ceremony, So I got my hand's on a quarter ounce of Psilocybe Cubensis Mushrooms (or golden tops, as we call them). And decided I could do a spiritual journey on my own.
I have been preparing for this for about a week now. I Have my stereo set up in my room with a tower speaker on each side of my bed, Playing a shamanic drum journey binaural beat track which had a frequency of 5.5 Hz. All of my gemstones are set around my room. I have my ceremonial dish on my dresser in front of me with Frankincense burning next to it. There are 3 candles (in fire and spill proof glass dishes) behind that in front my my mirror to give the room a nice glow. With the drum track playing and in comfortable clothes I decide to engage in my home made ceremony.
Sitting on the edge of my bed with my legs crossed I grab the bowl and go into a meditative state stating my intentions of this journey. I state in my mind that I wish to learn whatever these mushrooms have to offer, knowing that they would show me what I need to know. I just wanted to learn more. I thank the Universe for this gift that it has bestowed upon me and begin to eat the mushroom's piece by piece, making to sure to taste them out of some form of respect. I consume the entire dish, washing it down with mineral water. I light a cigarette, I am somewhat nervous but reassuring myself that everything will be okay. I had food in my stomach and its truly hard to gauge the strength of mushrooms, So I have no idea how intense the experience would be or what I was in for.
With the candles lit and me laying comfortably in my bed I wait for the effects to start kicking in. I start feeling wavy and some distortions begin appearing, mainly with my mirror and the dimensions of the room. Looking at my mirror, It feels as though it's no longer a reflection but a look through a window to another room which look's just like mine, which felt very strange. With the room looking taller and shorter, the wall's moving farther and closer and the candles glow giving the feeling as if I'm in a ceremonial tomb of some sort. I close my eye's and see patterns similar to the patterns in the 'black sun' symbol and strange faces. I start to get the 'yawns' which is a common thing with me when they're just starting to take hold. I kept thinking 'I'm already this high and I'm just STARTING to yawn.... I better put a fucking seatbelt on because this rocket hasn't even taken off yet'. I could not have been more right...
I decide to blow out the candles to have no distractions from the visuals. The faint green glow from the stereo display gives the room weird glow. I was laying there and I felt the space around me get larger and larger, I felt as if I was in a much bigger place than the room I had been in when I started. Looking up I could see outlines of stones in tall cathdral like walls with hues of blues and green and flows of plasma going here and there. Something was looking down at me from the top, I could see the eyes and feel the presence. This visual's became more and more real as I got farther away from my physical self. Those faint eyes became the eyes and faces of insect-like beings. There deep trance-like gaze upon me was kind of unnerving. Their faces and bodies composed of many unattached, intricate pieces being loosely held together by their life force. With them looking down on me as if I was in some sort of pit, I felt as though I was on a trial of some sort. They were the judges and I was the subject.
With everything ramping up more and more with every passing minute I began to realize I was not in my room anymore, at least not my spiritual self. I was in a black void with pulsing colors and patterns which are very hard to describe, colors which I cannot see with my physical eyes, seeing colors I never knew existed... It was beautiful and frightening all at the same time. I realized that there was no such things as time here. Nothing made any sense anymore, I kept saying to myself 'none of this makes any sense' over and over again.
This is where shit really hits the fan. The constant bombardment of flashing colors and the feeling of moving every direction all at once was really getting to me, there was so much going on to even comprehend.. I pissed on my floor in my bedroom, I didn't know where a bathroom was or even aware I had one. I was being peeled apart layer by layer, my psyche being obliviated from every direction. This was beyond terrifying, pure chaos, no control, this was hell. I kept on thinking 'I just want a smoke, I just want to go to sleep, I just want to die'. At this point I was freaking out, I had ripped all my clothes off, the sheets off my bed, my bed off the frame, and knocked everything off my dresser. I was flailing around like a madman trying to escape this place but nothing was working, I was begging and pleading it to stop. I had thrown myself and got stuck between my bed and my dresser and this is where I stayed for quite a while... I think... I remember thinking to myself 'fighting it only makes it worse, calm down'. I though I wasn't going to come back, Thought this is going to drive me over the edge, I was now forever lost in this world of insanity. I don't know how long this went on for to be honest, like I said, time in this place meant nothing.
Things started to slowly ramp down, finally. I just had to keep myself calm and I would be okay. I started feeling around and could tell I was pinned in between my bed and my dresser. I barely managed to pull myself onto my bed. There was still very intense patterns and colors but everything was becoming barely manageable. I had to keep telling myself 'my name is xxxx xxxxxxx and I have two dogs and one cat, I am in my room, which is in my house, which is in the town of xxxxxxxx' I did this for a while bouncing back from reassuring myself of who I was and where I was to frantic, uncomprehensible thoughts. I could barely make out my bed now and was starting to see the outlines of the things in my room now. I was naked, freezing my ass off, and felt all alone in this place. I had to piece together a strategy how to get warm several times, I would almost figure it out and then I would lose it. Things were slowly coming back, I knew I had blankets, I just could not figure out how to grab them or use them. I was in a psychotic state, I couldn't piece things together no matter how hard I tried. This cold was part of my punishment, I was not being permitted the luxury of warmth, comfort, or rational thought. My mind was a prison, or more like a personal torture chamber.
I could make out my bed now, It was still camouflaged in patterns but I now knew I could get the blankets. I reached over the edge of the bed and fell off but I didn't care, I could feel the blankets, Just the thought of being warm was beyond soothing. I pulled myself onto my bed again with a blanket in hand and covered up. I had an overwhelming sense of appreciation for something we so often take for granted, comfort. I felt around on the nightstand next to me because I knew there was a flashlight somewhere on it. I got a hold of it and turned on the light. It was blinding, but also beautiful at the same time, I could see the entire spectrum of light contained within the white like. It was like a sharp, spherical rainbow. I grabbed my tub of tobacco and grabbed one of the cigarette's I had pre-rolled prior to this journey to hell and back, it was extremely satisfying.
I then went into this state of very deep, self examination. I just started realizing during that whole chaotic madness I was being peeled apart and shown all of the faults and bad things I have been doing lately in my life. Heavy drinking and being careless of other people's thoughts and feelings, pushing the people away that loved me, lying, cheating. I began to realize what a terrible person I had been. I had it in the back of my mind for a long time but simply ignored it... This is what it took to make me realize it? At that point I knew I was so lost this was the only way to get through to myself, throwing myself into a world of torment and misery. I don't know if this is a bad thing to say but this torture had a purpose, a good one, and I deserved every last bit of it. I began to bawl my eyes out, just coming to terms with the kind of person I had been and not realizing it or doing anything about it. I was so much more than sorry for what I have done... I began apologizing for everything I had done, and vowed to change.... I layed my head back on my pillow, had one more cigarette and fell into a slumber.
I woke up and seen my room in the light of day, remembering all the events that had taken place. I layed there for a while knowing things were different, I felt a true sense of inner peace and knew that I wasn't that shitty person anymore. I hear a frantic knocking at the door and quickly get dressed to answer it. It's my ex girlfriend. We are still best friends and love each other, but due to my past actions she had left me, and I didn't blame her. I made some coffee and I had told her about my experience. I told her things I had lied to her about in the past, which was very unusual, if not impossible for the old me. Right then and there it was confirmed it had changed me. I have been making amends since then with the people I had done wrong to since then, I haven't touched a drop of booze (in fact it repulses me), and have been honest ever since.
This was the most inexplicably terrifying, chaotic, mind bending, enlightening, and wonderful experience that has ever happened to me. Maybe If I didn't have so many flaws the experience wouldn't have as off the walls fucking crazy. I now see that's the way I needed it to be. I now have a sound, inner sense of peace I have never experienced before. I would like to thank the spirits who chewed me up and spit me out, they were only trying to help. Like Terence McKenna said 'the mushrooms are a teacher, a healer'. He couldn't have been more right.
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