Citation: James. "Finding My Strength: An Experience with Mushrooms (exp111902)". Erowid.org. Jun 23, 2018. erowid.org/exp/111902
I want to start off by saying this was my second full on mushroom experience, and in short the first time I had tried it, things went from good to bad really fast. Wrong environment, wrong mindset, lack of research, and so on. So, naturally, I decided to find the right environment where everything would go right.
Really quick I would like to say that I had been suffering from anxiety and depression for quite a while now and definitely have some demons to face. I was hoping this would help.
This was around 7-8 months ago, so all of the fine details won’t be there but the major impacts will be. My mom and I decided to take part in a healing ceremony performed by a legitimate Shaman. Leading up to the experience, we were not allowed to consume alcohol, no food the day of (aside from a VERY light breakfast), and no other substances prior to (weed, medication, etc). Before the ceremony, we spent a few hours getting to know the other members of the group, and overall being given time to relax and become comfortable with our surroundings. We did some energy clearing, and were told to state our intentions of what we wanted Spirit to show us in our journey. A large bowl of animal spirit cards were placed face down in a bowl on the table, mixed, and as the Shaman was doing so, his card the “Raven” flipped right side up. The only one of the hundred plus cards in the bowl. Coincidence? Maybe. Weird? Yeah. Anyways, we went around the circle stating our intentions, mine being “Spirit, Show Me A Life Lived In Strength”; I chose this because I at the time felt lost in life, pretty much floating along with no real direction. My card was the “Camel”, which he related my intent to it as being one of the strongest and most robust animals on the planet. Kinda cool. A few hours later, it was time to drink our hot-chocolate-mushroom tea. Stirred and sipped for about 5 minutes, trying to get every last bit in. Then we waited. I sat up as straight as possible with my eyes closed until maybe 20 minutes passed and I started to feel really heavy, so I laid back on the provided mat.
As I previously stated, the fine details have left me, so obviously there was a lot of stuff going on during the onset of the trip. The Shaman played deep, not really dark but ominous music to guide us. My body started feeling incredibly heavy, with waves of warmth and tingly running from head to toe. My thoughts were going a million miles an hour with no real direction or meaning to it. I had to open my eyes a couple times to make sure I was still in the room, the ceiling was visibly breathing and dancing. I remember looking slightly to the left to a window on the roof multiple times throughout the trip and had some sort of emotional bond with it, and determined it was my brother, and I couldn’t stop cracking up and calling him an asshole.
Here’s where the first of three major events happened for me. My eyes were closed, and I remember being presented with multiple shadow figures. Not necessarily evil but I knew they were there to intimidate me and wanted to suppress me. I felt ZERO fear. Whenever they tried to rise above me, I rose above them and showed my awesome strength. They finally backed off, realizing they were no match for me. I have never felt so strong in my entire life. It briefly hit me that this was my test, showing me what true strength feels like. I to this day believe this was my grounding for the rest of my trip. I felt awesome for a while, like nothing could touch me and I was a fucking badass. Some music changes and other cool stuff happened for a bit, and then my second major experience popped up.
I was laying there with eyes closed and everything feeling great when all of a sudden a face slowly shifted into being. My eyes were definitely closed but I could see it clearer than anything I’ve ever seen. It was simply a face with no body, but it was a crystalline face. Not identifiable as male or female, but oh my GOD was it beautiful. The colors that resonated from it were other worldly and there are no words I can form to describe its beauty. I looked at it and asked (not verbally) “Who are you?”. It replied “I am your true mother”. I replied back “what do you mean? My mom is right over there”. It smiled and said “Yes, that is your mom, but I am your TRUE mother”. I’m getting teary eyed writing this, it’s so real to this day. I have NEVER in my life felt so at home, the feeling of belonging was so genuine and overwhelming, I began to cry. I then asked it “Why am I here? What is my purpose?” It simply smiled and replied “You know why” and exited from my vision. I was so touched and at awe I don’t really recall what happened for the next few minutes. The body euphoria was so intense I felt like I wanted to throw up. Then, I had my last major experience.
I decided at one point that it was time to discover who I was. I had to find out after the mother figure had told me I know why I am here. My vision slowly shifted from where my head would have been and slowly drifted down towards my stomach, where I began falling into my body. I looked around above as I entered and saw all of my body falling in, kind of like dirt in a cave I guess would be a good way to put it. As I continued to descend, I hit a point where I began to slowly turn around towards my inside. I knew this was going to reveal my true self. And there it was. A small, hovering crystal resonating the same beautiful light that the mother figure had. I remember seeing it and being struck by how incredibly perfect it was. I realized this was me. All this time I felt like I was such a disgusting and dark person but here I was, the complete opposite. Everything felt so artificial, my body felt like some sort of plastic vessel that wasn’t even real. Only the crystal of me was real. I don’t know how to describe it… It was so powerful.
I’m not sure exactly when all of these events occurred in relation to time, I just know that it occurred in that order. I felt like I lived 100 lifetimes but at the same time it went by so fast. I definitely got what I came for, being shown strength and the whole crystal mother and crystal me thing seemed too coincidental to be just “tripping”, but then again I’m pretty spiritual. It was all too real for me to pass off as some drug fucking with my mind. Definitely a life changing experience for the better.
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