Citation: Spliffrichards. "I Met My True Self for the First Time Aged 25: An Experience with Mushrooms & Meditation (exp112127)". Erowid.org. Jul 19, 2018. erowid.org/exp/112127
'I met my true self for the first time aged 25'—3 dried grams of Psilocybe Subaeruginosa (equivalent to 5 grams of Psilocybe Cubensis) while meditating in silent darkness.
Last night I decided to finally attempt the famous Terrence Mckenna '5 grams in silent darkness' trip for the first time. It would end up being by far the most intense trip of my life. Here is my story.
My previous trip (about a month ago) was the first time I had ever tripped alone, and I spent the bulk of the trip in my silent bedroom with my eyes covered lying in bed, although this dosage was just 2.1 grams (equivalent to 3.3 grams of P. Cubensis). I also spent most of that trip writhing and wriggling in my bed, and getting up to go to the toilet three or so times. I found that trip to be a success, given I was able to get through it without any fear or anxiety—a feat which I had only been able to achieve for the first time earlier this year on an even lower dose. My goal for my next trip was to do the full 3 grams, and also, to see if I could keep my body perfectly still and relaxed throughout the trip. I got this idea from listening to interviews with Martin Ball, who in his experience in administering and guiding 5meo-dmt trips, says he has observed trippers twisting their bodies into asymmetrical positions when their ego is clinging on and resisting the break-through, and encouraged his clients to try to maintain a relaxed, symmetrical body position through the trip—a kind of physical way to surrender to the experience, in addition to the mental surrendering which is so crucial. So, I had a goal to spend the entire trip lying on my back in my bed with my arms lying relaxed to the sides of my torso (I also got the idea from Martin Ball that having your arms covering your chest is a defensive, protective position, and so having the chest open and exposed is further conducive to the physical surrender).
So, I gulped down my shroom tea in about 30 seconds, got into this relaxed position in bed, covered my eyes, and began to try to get into a meditative state—noticing my thoughts, feelings and bodily sensations and observing them as they arrived and left in waves (I believe this meditation technique is called Vipassana, and I have been practicing it infrequently for 3-4 months). The crucial part of this kind of meditation is to be committed to staying still—to resist the urges to move or get up that the mind constantly generates. I was able to maintain this still position for the first 2 and a half hours of the trip.
The come-up was fast and extremely intense. The first feelings I noticed, about 10 minutes after drinking the tea, were waves of energy and pressure that suddenly swept through my body. The sensations were kind of like heat, or a physical pushing, and they quickly started to come more frequently and more intensely. Soon after this, my first visual perceptions began, accompanied by much stronger waves of the physical energy sweeping more and more rapidly and forcefully through my body. My visuals consisted of a range of solidly-coloured (subdued fluorescent pink, green, yellow, solid black and white), tessellated, geometric shapes, rotating, stretching and contorting amongst themselves, and corresponding with the waves of physical pressure and energy sweeping through my body. As this intensified, I had the sensation that these shapes were squashing, stretching, and twisting my body and head like a baker kneading dough. I also had the sense that I was lying on a kind of operating table, looking up at these kind of alien-esque shape-entities that were crushing my body and head, then passing me onto the next set of alien-esque shape-entities to do more contorting. Although this was a very intense experience, I knew I was safe, and so I surrendered to these shape-entities and let them do whatever they wanted to me.
This period of the trip seemed to last about 30 minutes, and eventually the intense physical waves of energy seemed to subside and the speed and ferocity of my visuals subdued. This marked the start of the main body of the trip, which was marked by a range of feelings, revelations and experiences, the order of which is difficult to recall. The first main feeling I can recall was this sense that objectivity and subjectivity were not distinct anymore. I could not really identify as an entity or a being that was separate from anything external to me. It felt as if 'being' was just this one phenomenon which encapsulated the entire gamut of possible experience—that there was no difference between 'me' and 'not me', between what 'I did', and what 'happened to me'. My sense of agency was completely gone. The only thing I could be sure about was that something was happening. It was also quite extraordinary to comprehend that even in this incredible state, the 'volume' or 'intensity' of awareness or consciousness seemed the same as a regular sober state or the state on any kind of other drug I have experienced. There was basically the present moment—which I was aware of—the contents of which would evolve moment to moment, but which could never become 'more full' or 'more empty'. Even the lack of a feeling or sensation in a given moment was offset by space, which itself had the same 'volume' as any sensation or feeling that might have been there. I interpret this now as the idea that consciousness is always complete. It never needs anything more, and never has too much. It is steady and eternal. Each moment is perfect and whole regardless of its contents.
This experience led me to begin to question—what am I? My ideas that I have previously always had about who I am pretty much all depended on the idea that I was distinct from the external world—that I was an entity that interacted with things that weren't me (other people, objects etc.). Now, with the idea of my separateness from the world inaccessible, non-sensical, and incomprehensible, I had almost nothing to go off to answer my question. Who the hell am I!?
All I could be sure of in this state, was that SOMETHING was happening. I was having thoughts, feelings, sensations, and visual and auditory perceptions. There was not 'nothing'. Quite the opposite. There was 'everything', and I started to realise that there ALWAYS HAS BEEN everything. Every single experience, thought, emotion and feeling I have ever had, which now are only accessible to me in the form of memories, 'I' had. That is to say, the only thing I can possibly be sure about is that they happened, and 'I' experienced them. What a revelation! What 'I' am, must be the very awareness or consciousness that has experienced and been witness to every single thing that has ever happened to me. I am not the 'idea' I have about who I am (one might call this the ego). That 'idea' is simply a pattern of thought that has been repeating for my entire life, and fooling me into believing in its existence and reality. What 'I' ACTUALLY am, is an awareness, a consciousness, that has existed for eternity (as far as I can perceive, given I don’t remember the start of my existence), which has been the witness to my thoughts, feelings, and sense-perceptions for my entire life. How have I never realised this until now!! It became suddenly very clear to me that my ego, or my 'idea' of who I am, doesn’t really exist.
How have I never realised this until now!! It became suddenly very clear to me that my ego, or my 'idea' of who I am, doesn’t really exist.
I found out who I truly am, for the first time in my life.
After this incredible realisation, a lot of tension became released from my body that I didn't notice I was holding. I had just come face to face with my actual, true self—my pure consciousness. I had finally broken through my mind, which had been preventing me from encountering my pure essence for my whole life. Suddenly, my experience became very soft and delicate. I had let down every single guard from my pure being and exposed my self to itself for the first time ever. It was so fragile and vulnerable. It was very cautious of letting me get close to it—afraid of what might happen to it now that it had no protection whatsoever. My body had become extremely relaxed and utterly limp, perhaps it had lost tension that it had been holding onto for years, even decades. I saw my pure, vulnerable, exposed self—so shy and nervous. I realised what a profound moment this was. I was meeting my true self for the first time. I felt an immense care and love for my shy, vulnerable self. All it wanted was to love, and to be loved, and I loved it. I approached it very slowly so I could get closer to it without scaring it. I began to touch it, lovingly, caringly, slowly, making sure that it was feeling safe and comfortable with the amount of contact, which was more than had ever been made. It was a very similar experience to the most loving and caring kind of love-making, where two people are completely engaged and completely present with each other, and every move each one makes is determined by how the other receives and accepts it. My pure self was letting me meet it, letting me into its most vulnerable space, and accepting me! It embraced me. I had earned its trust, and I was able to get closer to it than anyone had ever gotten. I effectively met my self, and made love with it. It was possibly the most beautiful and powerful experience of life.
I opened my eyes and wriggled my fingers and toes around this point, and took in some deep, euphoric breaths as I reconnected to my surroundings. This was probably about 2 and half hours after consumption, and I was seeing a quadrupled kaleidoscope of my ceiling—some of the heaviest open-eye visuals I have ever had, which seemed to be a predictable level considering the profundity of what I had just experienced. I lay for a while watching the ceiling with my arms out like a starfish, breathing deeply, basking in the beauty and glory of my existence and what had just happened to me. A phrase came to my mind and I couldn't stop repeating it. 'You are your home'. What this meant to me was that no matter where you are physically, and whomever you are with, you are ALWAYS with your self. Your self is your home. You should love your self, you should get to know your self, because it is the only thing that has always been with you and always will be. To not know your self is to live a life of distraction and illusion, and to not care for and love your self is to harm your self—to disrespect your only home, your eternal home. I got out of bed and wrote on a piece of paper so I wouldn't forget these messages—'You are your home', and beneath, 'YOU have been here through everything that has ever happened to you.' The second phrase I very carefully crafted to try to embody the insight I had about what my true self is in a way that I could interpret in a sober state. I intended it to cut through the 'idea of my self' (the ego) which my mind continually perpetuates, which changes and evolves in content and quality over time, in contrast to my true self (my pure consciousness/awareness), which is always steady and whole, and always has been, despite my inability to recognize it for my whole life. With the bulk of the trip over, I rode out the final couple of hours of the come-down listening to music with my housemate.
This experience has been an enormous milestone in my personal journey, and has lent credence to many inklings I have been having since I began paying closer attention to the contents of my mind about a year ago. I never really understood how one can have a relationship with oneself so viscerally until now, and I have a renewed sense of awe for my life.
COPYRIGHTS: All reports are copyright Erowid and you agree not to download or analyze the report data without contacting Erowid Center and receiving permission first.
Experience Reports are the writings and opinions of the individual authors who submit them.
Some of the activities described are dangerous and/or illegal and none are recommended by Erowid Center.