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Feeding the Prolonged Destruction of My Soul
Poppies - Opium
by siliconejohnwayne
Citation:   siliconejohnwayne. "Feeding the Prolonged Destruction of My Soul: An Experience with Poppies - Opium (exp112208)". Erowid.org. Aug 13, 2018. erowid.org/exp/112208

 
DOSE:
  oral Poppies - Opium (daily)

BODY WEIGHT: 147 lb


I, as I now realize, am very prone to addiction. In the past this has turned my life to ruin very rapidly; an addiction to benzodiazepines caused an almost complete destruction of my personality and social life within a few months, and as I was picking up the pieces of my shattered being and actively avoiding drug use an addiction to sex took from me my remaining friends. Cocaine and other stimulants almost immediately after caused a much less public destruction that consumed my mental and physical well-being in a comparable amount of time, and when I was a young teen my refusal to stop smoking pot damn near ruined my relationship with my parents. If I am to use drugs (which I do, God only knows why), then I am absolutely required to be transparent about it with myself and my loved ones if I am to retain my sanity and well-being -- which currently I feel like I'm doing an alright job of.

My current drug of choice is opium, specifically poppy tea. Every or every other night I brew a foul-tasting potion containing morphine and codeine. [2 cups tea nightly, continual] I sometimes, when I have a long enough period of time off of work, decide to detox from the drug for the sake of my health and endure hellish withdrawals (though lately this has just felt like merely a means to quell the concerns of my friends).

Opium is a much different demon than the other means of instant gratification I've experimented with. I keep my wits about me, unlike Xanax. I can retain a general sense of health as long as I manage to stay off withdrawal, unlike speed or coke. I don't have to deal with self-resentment or knowledge of how disgusting my problem is getting, unlike sex. I have somehow been able to keep up this habit for over a year without so much as a heated confrontation with friends about how 'they're worried about me' or 'I'm becoming a different person.' Compared to other vices I have had, everything is more or less dandy.

That's not to say there aren't problems, though. It costs me about $500 a month (as a maximal, very heavy-use filled example; usually it's less but it has been that bad)
It costs me about $500 a month (as a maximal, very heavy-use filled example; usually it's less but it has been that bad)
to sustain my mental satiation and physical health. Over time I've noticed a growing depression within me, now to the point where I have almost no feelings towards my long-time girlfriend whom I once loved very much -- it just feels empty in a very unnatural and obviously depression-induced manner. At least once every two months I have to go through withdrawal and often work, doing manual labor, through these intense flu-like symptoms.

Opium has been good to me in the sense that it has allowed me to keep my sanity and my personality (not counting the uh, depressing effects of depression), AND my social life I seem to hold so dear. Don't be mistaken, though; although opium may be a demon that allows me good sleep and comfy euphoria, it's still out for my soul.

Exp Year: 2018ExpID: 112208
Gender: Male 
Age at time of experience: 20 
Published: Aug 13, 2018Views: 1,505
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Poppies - Opium (43) : Retrospective / Summary (11), Depression (15), Addiction & Habituation (10), Not Applicable (38)

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