Healing My Inner Child
by azq
Citation:   azq. "Healing My Inner Child: An Experience with Peyote (exp112277)". Erowid.org. Aug 22, 2018. erowid.org/exp/112277

  oral Peyote (powder / crystals)

I'm a computer programmer with one kid, and a wife who doesn't nag, so I can go out and have all kinds of fun by myself.

Recently I've felt relatively good about myself, but I've also feĺt like I can't feel love for people the way I should, and sometimes the more awesome someone is, the more I resent him/her, which is of course a bit sick. I've felt that I'm somehow emotionally constricted, and thus I can sometimes be a source of 'bad vibes', even though I've also grown to be a mostly pretty nice person over the years.

Last weekend I got a rare opportunity to try peyote for the first time during a weekend festival, in a beautiful location in a villa in the forest. I prepared for the festival by abstaining from coffee for 2 days and thus sleeping a lot, and I'm really happy I did that because I didn't get that much sleep during the weekend.

I had taken Ayahuasca on the first night of the festival in a wonderful session with great people and a band playing awesome native American music. The previous night really got me more connected with my body and my feminine side, which was maybe a part of why my experience with peyote was so good.

The peyote ceremony started around midnight with a single rather mild dose of ground peyote powder. Dosage is unknown since it was an unknown amount of powder with unknown strength. Taste wasn't all that bad, it easily went down with some water and produced little nausea.

I was a bit tired from last night's Ayahuasca session and I slept a bit after taking the first mild dose of mescaline. The people running the ceremony made some remarks about how important it was to sit up and pay attention, and how come all the women managed to stay sitting but some men were so 'weak' that they had to lie down.

There were also some weird rules about when you could go to the toilet and that we shouldn't really drink water from our own bottles, only when specifically allowed to do so, which was supposedly to make us remember about the importance of water.

I felt a bit annoyed and restricted by this attachment to traditions and the weird macho attitude, though I also felt basically comfortable and the people running the ceremony were also nice enough in their own way.

There were some musicians who played really good music which I felt expressed a boundless joy of being alive in a really beautiful way. There was also some chanting and drumming with traditional instruments, such as the water drum.

I enjoyed the music, but this changed after the drumming continued for a while. I have really sensitive ears and I began to feel that I'd get tinnitus if I stayed there long enough. There was also a rule that you shouldn't leave in the middle of the ceremony so I felt I had little options except to complain that I really had to leave the room or risk damaging my ears.

The complaint went through, and I went to the kitchen. I was allowed to take more peyote and in my new surroundings I felt more comfortable doing it so I took a couple more doses, perhaps at about 3 AM.

It became one of the nicest trips of my life. At first I had funny visuals of psychedelic toys and childish cartoons. Peyote felt like a really nice and gentle drug for me, and I began to think about some of the things about myself that I really want to improve.

I realized that I really didn't love myself as much as I should, I didn't love my inner child. Though I've been a relative stable person, I have occasionally had some outbursts of anger, being too hard on myself, feeling unnecessarily restricted by social situations and some status anxiety that is totally unnecessary for me.

I stretched and got more in touch with my body.

I sang 'Nothing stands between myself and I'.

I roared like a lion.

I sang 'I will always contain myself, safe and sound in every situation', I sang to myself like the ideal mother that I didn't always have.

I felt my dysfunctional emotions being dissolved by unconditional love for myself, and it all felt very easy, at no point did I feel like I didn't like something about myself, I just felt like I should love myself more. I realized that a person who loves himself fully will never be tempted to do anything but the right thing, and loving oneself fully is the answer to many problems in life.

At about 8 AM most of the effects of peyote had gone. For me whenever I consumed another dose, there was a peak which lasted only about 1-2 hours, then went away to some extent, though some effects lingered for several hours.

I thanked the medicine man from the bottom of my heart and left back home. At home I just felt like I had become a slightly better person. I played with my son and hugged my wife, I could do more of both in general.

I spent several hours in the afterglow of the experience feeling really good, occasionally taking walks outside or singing some of the wonderful songs that we sang during the weekend.

At about 4 PM my son went outside and I had sex with my wife, and finally fell asleep.

This was my first time with peyote, but it already became possibly my favorite psychedelic and I've tried many of them. As many have noted, peyote, and probably mescaline in general, is a drug which really guides its user to heal emotional problems efficiently.

Exp Year: 2018ExpID: 112277
Gender: Male 
Age at time of experience: 41
Published: Aug 22, 2018Views: 3,472
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Peyote (42) : General (1), First Times (2), Music Discussion (22), Sex Discussion (14), Therapeutic Intent or Outcome (49), Festival / Lg. Crowd (24)

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