Citation: Eeshock. "Meeting Myself: An Experience with Mushrooms (exp112739)". Erowid.org. Jan 2, 2019. erowid.org/exp/112739
Meet my past life.
My name is B, and I found my name beyond reincarnations.
Before having this particular experience, I had two separate occasions where I imbibed roughly 100-150 micrograms. Neither were enjoyable times, but I remained curious for the lessons I could learn from psychedelics. That curiosity is still with me a year later.
A week before October 30th, I took 3.5 g of mushrooms in my bedroom and read experience reports. I wasn’t attuned to the effects yet, and I hadn’t yet learned of how psychedelics can give you what I call Third Vision. First Vision would be open eyed visuals (also referred to as OEVs), I consider Second Vision to be closed eye visuals (CEVs) and I describe Third Vision as a spiritual experience in which the visuals extend beyond OEVs or CEVs. I believe that gamma brainwaves cause Third Vision, which can be brought about using methods such as shamanic journeying or high doses of psychedelics. From a more experiential perspective, Third Vision is akin to daydreaming, where you aren’t necessarily viewing reality or seeing anything behind closed eyes. Instead, you’re transported to another place inside of your mind where daydreams can feel like reality. On my first mushroom trip, I experienced third vision in which colors were swirling around behind my eyes, though they were not anything perceptible with open eyes, but I didn’t recognize that I had this particular experience until after what I call my mushroom overdose.
Leading up to my overdose, I had come back from a month-long study in India regarding the intersection of western and holistic (traditional) medicine. I became very depressed, early in my senior year of high school, and my anxiety was running rampant. To put it lightly, I was in the worst possible emotional state to take 7 grams of mushrooms, especially without extensive prior experience and research.
I had bought 21 g of high quality mushrooms, and planned for me and two friends to take 7 g per person. The location was my friend M’s bedroom, from which we left and entered the woods around his house. We mixed the mushrooms into orange juice, and we all downed our doses. I had not done research on doses of mushrooms, and neglected to follow my father’s advice on a healthy dose when asking him earlier the same day.
I had not done research on doses of mushrooms, and neglected to follow my father’s advice on a healthy dose when asking him earlier the same day.
N took 7 grams alongside me, however M took 3-4 grams instead of the full 7 without my knowledge. As we were sitting in M’s room, N tried to put his arm around me and I freaked out. I was about to punch him, but I found my voice and asked him to not do that, as I was incredibly anxious and having a rough come up. We listened to some chill music, Watsky, and we prepared to go outside to meet up with some friends who weren’t tripping. I was losing coherency fast, and I felt like a knife blade: sharpened and created to injure myself. It was a very dark emotion and it was all I felt.
M and N walked downstairs and left the house, while I became lost in the dark and couldn’t find my way to the front door. M had to retrieve me. When I finally exited the house, the world was amidst sparkles in my vision and everything was breathing. But as soon as I stepped into the forest, B was gone and all that was left was a small, terrified child.
I began repeatedly whirling around 360 degree, and sitting down on the ground and saying these lines:
“I want Mom and Dad!”
“What are drugs? Are drugs bad?”
“Where am I?”
“Who am I?”
I was gone. Long, long, LONG gone. I had reverted to an infant, but with a small vocabulary.
My friends that we met, L and G were trying to comfort me. L took on a motherly role in my dilated eyes, and I thought she was my mother. Sobbing hysterically, I tried to lay down on the ground but they kept me upright. Soon after, I adopted a meditative lotus position (which I had never done before) and folded in half until my forehead touched the ground. I began to chew on the dirt and anything I could grab. Following the lotus position, I shut my eyes and began to hear a chorus of feminine voices in my head. They addressed me by name, explaining that they were the voice of the mushrooms I had taken, and promptly began to show me that my past life lived in a very cold, wintery environment. I saw through my Third Vision a blue, icy planet that wriggled and warped with life. I expressed to the voices (through an inner scream) that “I don’t understand!”, to which they responded by showing me the circularity of time, composed of small overlapping circles and arcs that formed large circles, until they formed an ultimate, endless loop.
According to M, I spent an hour following my initiation of the lotus position screaming my head off. When he tried to quiet me, I bit him hard. Following the demonstration of time, I began to scream inside of my head as well. As I was losing my mind, and was on the fast track to psychosis. The mushrooms realized this, and began to say comforting affirmations, telling me that I was loved and was safe, and that I had not in fact died and instead I was being healed.
The mushrooms finally realized that I was not listening to a word they were saying. Instead of continuing, they called upon my soul and transported my consciousness further inside of myself. I “opened my eyes” to find myself sobbing in fetal position inside of a tent. A beautiful woman dressed in warm animal skins entered the tent, and introduced herself to me, explaining that she had been expecting me. She soon came to the understanding that I would be entirely unresponsive. She took my hand, helped me to my feet, wiped my tears, and led me out of the tent. Behind the tent, a ways off, was a series of campfires and tents. She explained that those tents belonged to her tribe, but as a shaman she chose to live slightly apart from the rest of her tribe to focus on her spirituality and connection to the earth. She began walking, leading me hand in hand away from the tent and deep into the surrounding brush. There was snow on the ground, and there was ice covering all of the nearby shrubbery and the occasional tree, as if an ice storm had just struck before my arrival. She spoke to me of our shared purpose as we walked, telling me how we are on this earth to raise the spiritual awareness of our fellow humans and aid them in full self-realization. She told me how to best aid our own endeavor, by studying the powers of spiritual healing and using our abilities to heal the spiritual and physical wounds of others, and that along the way we would find kindred spirits who needed the healing to realize themselves and understand their own distinct purposes in their lifetimes. She fell quiet for some time, until we stopped on the edge of the brush before a clearing. She told me to listen and feel very carefully, for what I was about to understand would be forever life-changing.
She let go of my hand, and stepped into the clearing. When I hesitated, she beckoned me to join her. With great residual fear from the trauma of ego-death that I just endured, I stepped into the the field. She looked at me with a wonderful smile, and pointed up at the moon. It was the largest, brightest, most white moon I have ever laid eyes upon. She explained that the moon was our mother, and that as long as we had the moon in the sky all of our incarnations would be able to communicate with one another across lifetimes. She went on to tell me that while we were one individual soul, we were separate entities at the same time. Each incarnation had different characteristics and different identities. But while we walked different paths, we all had the same destination as spiritual healers. I took my hands out of my pocket and held her hand while we gazed at the moon in silence.
After a time, she turned me towards her, and told me this: “You are a spiritual warrior, and you have discovered the first step in your path to becoming your true self. Love yourself, and safe travels, Eeshock.”
I came back to my body, and was catatonic for roughly another hour or so. I opened my eyes to find the headlights of a car beaming over me, while M and his mother carried me to the car. As we drove out of the woods and back to the house, the mushrooms were whispering in my mind that I was being reborn. We reached the house, they gave me lots of water (the best water I’ve ever had in my life, as I was so dehydrated) and put me to bed on their couch. The last words I heard before falling asleep were from the mushrooms, and they said “Goodbye, Eeshock. We love you.”
I shouldn’t have taken 7 grams of mushrooms, plain and simple. But I don’t regret the experience I had, because ultimately I discovered my spiritual path. I only regret the consequences that came with my mushrooms overdose. I gained greater appreciation for the life I live, and since my trip I’ve been pursuing meditation and holistic medicine with great passion.
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