Mushrooms - P. cubensis (Golden Teacher)
Citation: Sun. "I Think I F*cked the Universe: An Experience with Mushrooms - P. cubensis (Golden Teacher) (exp112900)". Erowid.org. Apr 14, 2020. erowid.org/exp/112900
• Name/pseudonym - Sun
• Year of birth - 1994
• Gender - Female/Non-binary
• Weight - 54kg
• Year of experience - 2019
• Psychoactives used – 2g Golden Teacher mushrooms
I have never taken Golden Teachers before. In the past I have take 1g or less of psilocybin mushrooms, from Amazonian to Liberty Caps. Usually I had mild visuals and general euphoria. A few years ago I had a bad trip with shrooms, unknown strain as I was a lot more reckless, but I learned some very important things about myself. That experience was an important motivation for me to look after myself and strive towards personal growth. I have taken acid and 2cb before of varying doses and have generally had beautiful experiences.
I am physically healthy. I don’t take supplements or perscription medication except for Vitamin D3 in winter. I also try to meditate for 20 minutes every day, although I did not manage to do so on the day of this trip. I have recently started drinking saffron tea. Otherwise I eat pretty healthy, I am vegan, and I try to not snack too much or each too much processed foods. I don’t really drink alcohol although I do dabble with MDMA, marijuana and other substances.
I had not taken any psychedelics for 5 months, the last time being 2cb with two good friends on a boat, and acid 8 months ago in a forest with my partner. Both experiences were incredibly lovely and healing however, I did not desire to take psychedelics in winter as I have done that a lot in the past and I often crave sun and being in nature.
On top of that I recently lost my granny who lived with me and my family for the last 7/8 years 3 months ago. I have been dealing with grief as well as a whole lot of issues such as moving back in with my parents, questioning what I’m doing for income and creatively, and feeling generally lost.
I decided I wanted to take psychedelics as the days are getting longer and it felt the right time. Earlier in the week I had an emotional breakdown which left me feeling clear headed after several months of distraction and confusion.
Earlier in the week I had an emotional breakdown which left me feeling clear headed after several months of distraction and confusion.
I wanted to process how I felt about myself, my life and the people in it. I had heard many good things about golden teachers from friends and a little from the internet. I also felt ready to have a deeper trip with mushrooms. Over the past few weeks I have been reading Ursula Le Guin and Octavia Butler, I had also been writing more and listening to a lot of dubstep (not brostep… real dubstep people!)
I woke up early the morning of this trip and went to see a couple of friends who live together, let’s call them Snowdrop and Wise Flower. It would be Snowdrop’s birthday in a few days, so I had come to drop off a present and catch up. I also came to pick up the shrooms from Wise Flower who had put aside some for me after we had discussed psychedelics a month ago. We had a lovely morning together, drinking tea and talking about Taoism, mental well-being, intentions and sitting on their roof in the sun. I felt incredibly positive and left them. I then went to run and errand, and after completing that, I caught the train home. Two stops before my destination, I ate the mushrooms, chewing them with some almonds I had in my bag for a good while then swallowing. Almost immediately I could see some effect as the pattern in the table in front of me started breathing. I was listening to ‘Journey in Satchidananda’ album by Alice Coltrane. By time I reached my station I was already feeling warm and positive although the initial waves of nausea rose as I walked back to my house.
Intending to take a scenic route, I navigated through posh suburban houses, climbing up a steep hill passing shining cars and wondering why we obsess over material things. I also was filled with a sense of deja vu as I was coming up. Reaching the top of the hill, I turned left onto a busy road. I knew that alongside it were various fields with stables and horses and I wanted to interact with these majestic creatures. I wasn’t sure if I was feeling the effects any more as I had been walking and was feeling a bit overwhelmed sharing space with loud and scary cars. I wanted to be in the fields but many of them had threatening “PRIVATE LAND! KEEP OUT!” signs which was killing my vibe. Not long after, I saw a horse and stopped by the fence to watch them eating. I then realised I was definitely coming up and also that I was feeling physically exhausted from the constant movement. I decided that I would take a bath once I reached home. A little further from the horses, I found a path leading into a park that looked over the town. I felt saddened by the view which was dominated by cranes and construction. Nonetheless, it was much better than walking by the road. I had a piss and sat down on a bench for a little, drinking some water and reflecting on how much further I had to go. I followed another path heading in the general direction of my house and was happy to be in fields and forest. There was a big fire goblet thing that people back in the day would set on fire to honour the defeat of the Spanish Armada which made me feel a bit irritated. The area I live in is a bit xenophobic and racist and I felt like this ceremony of British pride was also dark and unsettling.
I continued walking and enjoyed this new route although I felt certain I had been here before – which might have happened as I may have tripped and wandered this way, or come here when I was much younger – I kept having flashbacks of different nature walks and psychedelic experiences. Eventually I reached my house and said hi to my sister who was chilling in the living room. I dumped my coat and bag in my room and set the bath. I only realised how hard I was coming up by time I reached the bathroom. Our purple bath mats were glowing. Fractals dominated my vision and my eyes were rolling. I struggled to co-ordinate my movements but I managed to drop some tea tree and lavender essential oil in the bath. Their scents smacked me hard. I felt like I hit a wall of smell and I fumbled trying to open the window, failing, I felt like I couldn’t deal with anything and just climbed into the bath – the best decision! The warm water rose around me, it looked milky like the light coming through the window. I saw the flower of life, all circles, squares and diamonds. All the colours of the spectrum lining them, flashing the bath water, I was overcome with joy and fear. I felt extreme pleasure and was overcome by a white noise that felt like I was going deaf. It got louder and louder and I lost myself in the white light. I kept myself grounded, aware that the water was still running, but at times I couldn’t. I felt like I was fucking God or the Universe. I orgasmed without being touched. Every atom in my body was in extreme pleasure. All I could see was white light. I felt my mouth being forced open and an energy running through my mouth, down my body and out of my vagina/vulva, it was a snake in a helix, and infinite loop, channelling through my body and it was beautiful. I felt eternal love and my self peeling away as I was embraced by the white light.
I remembered myself and turned the water off. I reflected on life and on the sadness of my house. I didn’t want to think about my family and each of their own issues or my granny, but it kept coming. I washed my face and soaped my body. Cleaning myself and enjoying the warm water. I came out of the bath and went to my room. I laid down on the bed and felt the same warmth and love overcome me. I was looking out of my skylight which was emitting a bright white light. I followed it and lost myself. I let myself go. I felt the Universe making love to me again and through that I became many other people, animals, things. I was my friend, D, I was a man, I was old, I was young, I was the grass… I really felt as though I had become all these different beings. I was not myself. I had shed that. I just WAS/AM.
I came back and I was happy. I was in my body and it is a good body. I had felt exhausted and old and now I felt refreshed. Usually I get intense visualisations whether looking at materials, my body or if my eyes are closed. At points I was fascinated by the shapes my hand could make. At one point I was certain that my hand was a swan, and other times just marvelling at the beauty of certain gestures. At different points in the trip, I was sad that I didn’t know who I was or what I was doing but after the ego death, I realise that it made sense, that I am everyone I love and interact with and they are me and that I am not fixed and static, I am fluid and constantly changing.
I realise that it made sense, that I am everyone I love and interact with and they are me and that I am not fixed and static, I am fluid and constantly changing.
I also reflected on people I don’t like or care for, and I forgave them, even strangers like internet trolls, I felt I could see them behind the screen and I could forgive them. This is not a very linear trip report, sorry!
Anyway, I put on some music, 1five1’s new EP (check it out, it’s beautiful). I put on some clothes, realising that most of my clothes are dark colours which made me sad. I god into pyjamas and got onto my bed again. I thought about all the people I love and missed. I thought about my granny. I thought about all the versions of myself I have been. I thought about my partner. I realised that I forget myself. That I get distracted. That I love people and lose myself in them. That I need to focus. I cried a lot. I tried to call my brother who currently lives in Japan, it’s been nearly a year since I last saw him. I hung up after sending him my love and telling him I missed him. I hung up realising I couldn’t communicate as well as I wanted and turned my phone off. I reflected on behaviours in myself I wanted to change. I want to be less judgemental, of myself and others. I want to resent people and things less. I want to live in a harmonious world which feels impossible in a world driven by profit and greed. I cried and laughed and rested. I started to come down, still having great visuals and warm feelings. I turned my phone on and called my brother. We talked although it was 3am for him and he was going out the next day. It was really healing and lovely. I wanted to watch something, so I tried to watch Kingdom, a zombie Korean drama, but it was hard for me to engage with. My old housemate called me and we spoke, it was hard, but I tried to express my love and care for her. I then started watching Steven Universe but couldn’t engage. I went downstairs to eat and sat with my sister a little. We talked a bit and I was grateful to be able to engage with her. I went upstairs and my friend in Germany called me. I was feeling pretty tired and my eyes were hurting by this time. After such an intense trip I just wanted to have cuddles and rest, to talk with people so it felt good that so many people were willing to have a chat. I read some of Wizard of Earthsea after the last phone conversation and fell asleep, losing my page!
Overall, my trip was intense, very introspective especially after the ego-death (if that is what it was?) and I had great visuals. I woke up the following day, today, with a mild headache but otherwise feeling quite positive and rested. I feel like this was definitely one of the best psychedelic experiences. I wasn’t as creative as I wanted to be, but that was okay, I was with myself. I wasn’t getting distracted from dealing with all the things that I had been avoiding. I went on a journey that I needed to go on. I saw things I needed to see. I think the length of time was perfect too as an acid trip would have been too long. I think I should have avoided trying to watch tv, but otherwise I think it was good I spoke to all the people I spoke with. I am happy with my experience and I hope I can apply the insights I reached.
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