Mushrooms - P. cubensis
Citation: Adolfo. "Downward Spiral of Conciousness: An Experience with Mushrooms - P. cubensis (exp113135)". Erowid.org. Feb 10, 2021. erowid.org/exp/113135
It was an Autumn day in the Southern hemisphere, which is between May and June of 2018. It was Saturday and although at mornings a bit cold, it was a somewhat sunny day. I was with my girlfriend the entire day and the entire weekend. I planned this carefully and I was willing to have this experience. Why is that? Because my first two mushroom experiences were a failure. First using one, not completely dried gram, rendered useless. I saw nothing. I felt very disappointed and frustrated at that time, so this time I wasn’t going to miss the opportunity to have my experience. I am a very sensible person, I am a Ph.D student in Neuroscience so my approximation to things is very reasonable and somewhat skeptic in a good sense. I told my girlfriend about what I was going to do, I was going to be fine no matter how crazy I acted during my trip. So, mistake number one, choosing a wrong sitter because she didnt knew anything about shrooms, never mind about the reactions.
I finished eating a light lunch at 2 PM and I started ingesting the mushrooms at 8 PM. I measured 8 dried grams which was a mix of Thai and B+ mushrooms and put them in a receptacle so that I could ingest them easily. Then, I saw that I had a little more at hand, so I added one gram more making a total of 9 dried grams. While I was adding water to a glass and making everything prepared, I remembered that all the time before my experience I was listening a lot of Terence Mckenna, and I was very attracted to the five dried gram experience. However, because the lack of previous response I decided to go extreme this time to make sure something happens.
I ingested the mushrooms and drank half glass of water. I went to my our bedroom and stayed there. I was lying in my bed looking to the wall. At around 40 minutes I started to get a bit nervous but nothing really happened. After one our I was writing in a notebook some little tasks to do while tripping. Mainly I wanted to answer the questions: What is reality? And How is reality created?.
Suddenly I felt the urge to go to bed and go to sleep. Then I felt cold and wanted to cover myself. I stood up and move around a little bit, but the urge was very strong, It was as if someone was telling me, “Oh you don’t want to be aware to see this”, or something like that. (I dind’t hear people saying this, it was a metaphor to the sensation). Then I was lying in my bed and I think I felt asleep or half asleep.
The trip started, absolutely no visuals, or at least no brain candy type of visuals. I felt confused, It was more like a dream than a psychedelic experience. But a gloomy dream, grey and pale coloured. I was in a weird place, thinking in the thinking process. My background in neuroscience pedaled my imagination into what was going on in my brain and my mind. I continued thinking in the thinking process. I didn’t know what I said but I started thinking about a question. ¿What if everything was a craziness, an impossibility? I drawed myself in a non existent place, asking that question. Then, people from all over the world came to me and I asked them the same question, they said: “no, because blah blah blah”, and I argumented “but... Blah blah blah”, so that I saw how people started to get convinced I was right or at least they should accept seriously the possibility that what I was saying was actually true. Everyone was getting convinced, even the more skeptic ones.
At some point there was just one person unconvinced, a girl with black glasses very serious and skeptic. When I managed to convince her, and there was no people in the world to convince, the floor started moving, and I was flowing into a downward spiral of everything. I saw my own already distorted life there at some point, having my girlfriend in the middle with a friend calling me on the phone to calm me down because I said that I was dying and while he put me a song in my cellphone I heard that song I felt that I was inside a coffin and the music was being played while all my friends were at my funeral looking downwards with affection more than sadness while I was being moved under the ground. I saw their affectionate faces looking at me from above. I felt gone, somewhat given up. Then I remembered the thing about ego death and said something like, “hey the two hemispheres are connected now”. And I ended that part of the experience, or I “died”.
Then, I was in a noplace, and I was thinking what is reality, I said “words?, concepts? Ideas? Thoughts?. My mind was trying to answer the question that I asked previously. Then I thought, what is the minimal expression of reality or creation? And I landed in the word “tone” but I thought it had no meaning and then I thought “signal” That’s it, signal. Everything evolves out of a primal signal, I said. That was somehow the minimal expression of language and changes in language were the building stones of reality. Then I felt alone, very alone. It was as if in reality nothing more than thought existed, and I was that thought, there was no God, everything was so lonely, so grey, so lifeless that It was not even painful to be there or to consider that state of mind, but it was extremely desperate.
Although I was somewhat calm because I felt with no emotions, I felt very desperate to be there, I realized that I was some kind of mind that just can not stop thinking, and it was this the undeniable bottom of reality and the answers of all questions I had been given the hard truth and not brain candy, because I asked for it, to know the origin, not how far can it go because that I can imagine. So “Everything is one big inevitable thought like process”. I felt in a timeline of evolution of creation, seeing everything starting from that primal signal, to the infinite possibility that we can see and experience. I saw humanity as a stable mind construct more or less stabilized in one of the steps of the stairs of reality evolution. I saw one step as a mixture of printed books, religion, 90s type culture as somewhat part of a valid psyche location that satisfy a normal life, with the acceptable levels of ignorance and understanding. In other words, being a human being in that state grants a stabilized and sane mind. Then I saw my face floating in some type of hyperspace with a mouse, books, and I regarded this as my current life. The notion of the word Art suddenly but strongly came to my mind, and I saw the answer of the creation process there, Art. Making art is the creation process. Although later, according to the statements in my trip, I can say that reality was created out of a stochastic primal signal, later stabilized and evolved apparently purposeless, then as this inevitable thought process became more aware of itself, it began creating art, which was anything it can imagine, it began testing, playing, experimenting with the caotic environment in which it was located, etc. But every act of creation could be regarded as Art.
After that period of philosofical tripping, I felt more into the spiral or moved again, and I woke up inside a male human, I was a male human, waking up in a bed with a woman besides him. I said to the woman, which was maybe my fiancee, “Oh... Creation” or “Oh I just had creation” Similarly to when people say “I just had a dream, honey” or somthing like that feeling. Now let me say that this part was a “terminally ill” kind of feeling or thought process. It was the realization that this things are like dreams!. That living processes, I mean, living and dying are just mind processes that hide the fact that we are a big mind that just can not stop thinking is desperate to get excuses to get away from that truth. This includes living a life, however mundane and ignorant this life can be. I was lying in that bed being that male human, telling the woman that I just had that experience as something that just happens from time to time in the entire creation. Maybe a part of my brain realized its own existence and was shouting in its own brain language that realization somehow. It was a mind realizing itself its own existence. Its difficult to explain the idea, but really, when you get it, and you consider the possibility that this is actually true, the world you normally see you start seeing it with other eyes, you start shaking, because althogh consensus reality, robust reality checks and confirmation of perceptions, all the world around you, can be just a projection of one mind process and you sense being close to the truth and start shaking. I saw a hand, evolving from atoms, I saw the earth evolving, I saw small animals evolving into primates, catching speaking and language. However they developed into modern human beings it doesn’t matter, they evolved. But nonetheless it’s a big mind/universe realizing itself and when that finally happens, you wake up and start again. I get it now, if everything I saw and the ideas I claimed are true, how sometimes is necessary to forget who you are because looking into the void is so desperate, mentally ill, and freezing.
I started going back, and I got a mixture of vivid dream and going back to consensus reality. My girlfriend very worried trying to warm my cold feet. She called a friend of mine, and he actually arrived home trying to call my girlfriend an me down. But I was now calmed. I saw some videoclips that my girlfriend recorded while I was tripping. I was lying in the floor, shouting the same words I was thinking about previously. “Art”, “Creation”, “Signal”... “I can’t.... Oh I figure this.... Mmm no no no, why why, but why...” “Maybe” “Changes in language” etc. It was funny to see myself doing this, but I felt my girlfriend was scared and worried for me and for what I could do to her.
As I was going back, I drank coffee with my friend and my girlfriend. She asked how it was, what I saw. And a bit of real paranoia arrived, when my friend, every time I was going to say something about the trip, took his cellphone as to write something. Seeing this, I thought that they both were part of a police or government intelligence unit to prevent people from realizing “the truth”. So I was silent about what I “learned” in my trip, also because I didn’t want them to worry more about what I was saying or them to question my sanity because they could not understand or agree to what I could say. I stayed very polite and calmed until everything cleared and I could prove to them that I was completely back to “normal”.
After months into consideration of this, what I call “closure”, in that is a personal “truth” of how things are that was instigated into my mind during the trip. Considering this is that I look for what is good and works for me, for my sanity, my adaptive and socially acceptable life. I consider the concept of God, as an adaptive road to happiness, acceptance, solid and emotionally filled life containers, empathy, and ecology. If we are all here and can not go out, better to play our cards well and think positively than to live in a gloomy state.
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