DOSE:

4 g

oral

Mushrooms - P. semilanceata

(ground / crushed)

BODY WEIGHT:

118 lb

This particular report is what I consider my first true trip, though I had ingested liberty caps from the same batch twice before. For some background, the first time was only one mushroom and had been largely unremarkable, save for some increased visual acuity and pattern recognition. The second time was about 1.5 grams, though this was eyeballed, as once again I hadn't bothered to weigh out an exact amount. This trip proved to be full of thought loops, but overall ended up being very positive and useful in that it familiarized me with the mental space. I should mention that this trip, along with all of my others save for two, was done alone. This is simply my preference, as I find I just worry way too much for my friends or get too caught up in conversation whenever we have tripped together.

Now, to the actual trip in question. I was back at my parents’ house for the weekend. I had tried cleaning my dorm room, but it still felt too dirty and cramped. I felt like the room I grew up in was a nice alternative with much better energy. I had ground up my remaining 4 grams of mushrooms, as I had recently read about taking them in a lemon shot. After taking a shower and letting them soak in lemon juice, I downed my little magic concoction at precisely 9:00 PM.

T+ 0:00
The taste of the mushroom dust mixed with the lemon juice was one of the most vile things I have ever had. I don't mind the taste of mushrooms just by themselves, and I have never tried making tea, but the sludge I managed to force down was on a level of nasty I had never experienced before. With more experiences under my belt, I now know that this particular batch just really didn't taste too good. This quickly came back to haunt me. Either way, I managed to down everything, said good night to my parents, shut my lights off, laid down, and pulled up some good old Terrence McKenna. Naturally, I don't agree with everything he said, but I have a deep love and respect for Terrence and his brother. I was drawn to what he had to say because I also always wanted to experience true visions, and I’ve always been on a slightly mystical streak. Much like how the older generation had reacted to Huxley, I heard the things he described and also simply thought "gimme that, that's what I want". More specific to mushrooms, I also wanted to test if the claim that they can speak was true. Experiencing both of these things was my goal for the night.

T+ 0:15
I do not remember exactly which talk I was listening to at this point, but I'm almost certain it's the YouTube video titled "How to use psychedelics / psilocybin / magic mushrooms remastered". Some would say it's stupid to set up expectations for yourself when taking psychedelics, but this did a lot to get me in the proper mindset to trip. Of course, I can only speak for myself. I made sure to do this on an empty stomach and I know my body has a high metabolism, so it didn't take long to start feeling the fuzzy, weighted embrace of the mushrooms. Still, I had been struggling with the taste and the lemon-mushroom mixture was making my stomach churn. I was psychologically ready and willing for what was about to happen, but I had never had to struggle with nausea like this before. I had no bud on hand and didn't feel like getting up to get anything else to fight the nausea, so I just sat with it and tried to tough it out.

T+ 1:00
I was fully immersed in the experience at this point, but still fighting ever-increasing waves of nausea. I was trying to keep everything in my stomach for as long as I could manage, but I had the intuition that eventually I would just have to jettison everything. Now, I wouldn't label myself an overly superstitious person. I firmly believe in the rules of evidence and the scientific process. However, at the same time my parents taught me the value of a spiritual life. I've changed my beliefs and my world-view countless times by now, but never once have I been convinced that there isn't more to existence. Since this trip, I have gotten really on-board with the idea that certain plant-teachers encourage vomiting to rid you of bad energy/spirits/thoughts, whatever you want to call it.

Either way, in my pain and struggling I was too distracted to focus properly on the experience, and all I was getting were very dark and confusing thought loops. I was angry at the psychedelic community for lying to me, then angry at myself for maybe just not being cut out for this stuff, and then finally angry at the mushroom for not giving me what I wanted. For the first time in my life, I managed to convince myself that life is nothing but a cosmic accident, order is simply an illusion necessary for survival, and existence is truly and completely devoid of any meaning whatsoever. I felt alone, completely defeated, and absolutely out of my league. I was genuinely worried I would be stuck in this pit of anger and sadness forever. I think this final thought-loop was what really crossed the line, because at that exact moment the nausea became absolutely unbearable and I rushed to the bathroom. The next 30 seconds were followed by violent and difficult vomiting; however, I immediately began to feel much better. I went back to lie down and drink a lot of water, hoping I had absorbed enough psilocybin to continue the trip.

T+ 1:15
I really dislike the excuse that words simply fail when describing the psychedelic experience. Not remembering is understandable, but if you really don't know what words to use then it's simply a matter of learning and practice. Granted it's difficult sometimes, but with the right metaphors and a sufficient vocabulary, it's certainly possible. In fact, I would argue it's necessary. I regret to say that from this point on, I do not remember everything that happened anymore. Nevertheless, I will do my absolute best to describe the things I do remember. It is also around now that I completely lost track of time, although I admittedly have a pretty loose grasp on that to begin with. I’ll continue to provide time-stamps but keep in mind these are only approximations.

I felt pretty sobered up after vomiting, and for about ten minutes I was convinced the night was over. I was a little disappointed, but at least I felt alright again, and I simply decided I'd try again another day. It didn't take long to realize that there was no way I was going to sleep anytime soon. The next thing I knew, I got well and truly blasted off. I became aware of a presence that was not in the room, but not in my head either. It felt loving, intelligent, unbelievably ancient, and most of all unmistakably alien. This was a presence that was at once part of me, yet completely incomparable to human intelligence. Once I acknowledged this presence and reached out, the real show began.

~T+ 1:30
First came the patterns, which began as geometric fractals with a distinctly organic feel to them. There weren't really any colors just yet, at least which I can remember, but it didn't take long for everything to ramp up. Once I began to lose myself in the patterns, I noticed I kept losing more and more control over my body and I began to roll around on my bed and drool. Quite honestly, it felt a bit like being a baby again. Of course, my immediate question to this presence was "what are you," to which I immediately received the almost hokey response of "I am you and you are me". Regardless of what I was talking to, I was honestly kinda unimpressed. I wanted to be more certain that this was more than some random new neuronal connection, and that I wasn’t just talking to my pre-frontal cortex, hippocampus, or something. Something that felt so completely alien could not possibly be me, yet on some level it felt as if it had always been there. It was probably just trying to ease me into what was about to happen.

I forget what the next couple exchanges were exactly, but I know I had a lot of questions about what it meant to exist and what my role was in a universe so much bigger than myself. At some point, the patterns in my mind froze in place and color began to seep in. What I saw looked a lot like the pattern on a blue tie-dye shirt, though the blues on this field were so rich and vibrant you really can't make sense of them unless you are in that state. It is very much like trying to describe color to a blind person, only sober you is that blind person.

This was the prelude to what I can only describe as some kind of inter-dimensional song-and-dance. It felt very sensual and playful, but still very careful. Participating in and being present for this show caused things to reveal themselves in greater and greater levels of complexity. The gradient of the blue field began to ripple, and I got the impression of a sheet or a veil that was having wind blown over it. After the rippling came rotation, first slowly but eventually reaching cartoonish levels of speed. Once it had begun rotating fast enough, the geometry came back but with a much more urgent and wild intensity. First came a spiral, then many other patterns that I don't remember, and this culminated in what I can only describe as a spiders web fractal.

~ T+ 2:30
As these patterns continued to rotate, everything began to pulse slightly. This pulsing felt very comfortable and joyful. With the pulsing came recognizable images from our own world, and it was at this point that I managed to completely let go and lose myself. I can remember that I was drooling uncontrollably as I began chewing on the corner of my blanket. I wouldn't say I remember more than 5% of what I was shown, but I do remember lots and lots of pine trees, carved reliefs of sunflowers, many different types of birds and other small woodland creatures, rotating 3D crystals made of perfect geometry, and then finally 9 men on bicycles riding over mountains formed in the strands of the web. It feels worth noting for some reason that these men bared a striking resemblance to the design of the famous Bicycle Day artwork, though they weren't exact replicas.

At some point, I started crying from the beauty and meaningfulness of it all, though I realized I still didn't have what I was looking for. Tears of ecstasy quickly became tears of sadness again, and as I began to sob quietly things reached peak levels of weird. My arms were no longer my own, and my tongue moved without any input from me. The voice that came out was still mine, but it was not me doing the talking. The entity/alien/mushroom had begun to comfort me. It took my arms, extended my pointer finger, and began poking me in the face and chest while it tried to really, really drive home the point that “you are the universe.”

Normally, we either take such a statement for granted or dismiss it entirely. In our world of post-modern reduction, of course I am the universe. My experiences make my subjective reality, and so for all intents and purposes I am the maker of my own universe. But this is not what the entity meant. As it continued to playfully (but mercilessly) poke my face and repeat its mantra, it showed me things I could have never dreamed of seeing and that I will most likely never see again. I cannot remember what these scenes looked like, probably for the better, but I finally understood how everything is alive, infinitely connected, and incomprehensibly hilarious and beautiful. And then I realized, everything emanates from everything else. Everything is one, on every scale imaginable, and every single thing is a cocreator in the project of being. It’s truly a shame how easy it is to lose sight of these things while in the state of everyday, baseline consciousness. Either way, once I realized these things, my cosmic Watcher and Knower ended its dance and rather unceremoniously revealed itself.

~T+ 5:00
Once the veil had dissolved away, I was left staring into eyes filled with terrifying wisdom, love, and emotions I cannot begin to understand or describe. They looked like cuttlefish/octopus eyes, though what I was looking at was definitely not an octopus. I remember a roundish head that was vaguely outlined, but that was about it. In place of things like arms and legs, this being operated solely through pure intent and meaning. It felt neither good nor evil. It simply was, and it was absolute perfection. The blues, greens, and purples of before simply dissolved and gave way to rich, awe-inspiring shades of gold and orange. It was like the most beautiful sunset you have ever seen, only the sun was alive and unmistakably looking back at you. I remember the edges of this being were hidden in darkness, and I could still see the same colors from before leaking out and back into its form. In retrospect, I know that whatever this thing was, it was presenting itself to me in a form that was at the comfortable limit of what I could understand and accept. Still, I could sense there was much more to it. I didn’t ask to see more though. I had gotten what I came for.

~T+ 6:00
No words were exchanged any more, because nothing needed to be said. I sat with it and it just hung out with me until our time was up. I have no actual idea of how long this lasted, nor do I really remember when it finally said goodbye and went away. I don’t even remember if it ever said goodbye. I’m certain it felt no need to, as it hadn’t ever really formally said hello either. I have no clue if I will ever see my cosmic buddy again, but I really hope to one day.

T+ 6:27
It was at this time that I remember feeling certain I was back to baseline. My face was really sore from all the poking, and the corners of my blanket and pillow were still wet from saliva. I looked at my phone, made note of the time, and went to get myself something to eat so that I wouldn’t feel like death in the morning. I do not remember when I feel asleep anymore, but I thanked my newfound friend and whoever else was willing to listen for the wonderful night and went to bed.

Exp Year: 2018	ExpID: 113246
Gender: Male
Age at time of experience: 18
Published: Jun 7, 2019	Views: 3,887
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Mushrooms - P. semilanceata (90) : Entities / Beings (37), General (1), Alone (16)