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Broken Open, Washed Clean
Mushrooms - P. cubensis
by Eve
Citation:   Eve. "Broken Open, Washed Clean: An Experience with Mushrooms - P. cubensis (exp113315)". Jun 29, 2019.

2.25 g oral Mushrooms - P. cubensis (tea)


Last night was the first tea ceremony with this strain. My intention was to find unconditional love.

I did 2.25 grams, J did 3.5 grams, mushrooms pulverized in a coffee grinder and steeped in a teabag for 20 minutes, for a nice medium dose of a new variety. As it started I felt the usual apprehension, this time focused on the thought that we had both drunk a cup of this stuff and never tried it before, what if they're poisonous? It wasn't terribly concerning, though. I'd put on Joshua Bell's Introduction and Tarantella and hit "radio" to get a playlist in that genre before lying down. I could feel the energy come up and manifest as a tingling restless energy in my legs, akathisia-like. There was not the profound fatigue and sedation of the last batch. The colors came up and the music got a little bit much, all violin and no beat, so I staggered over to change it to our trance mix.

Instead of focusing on my body, sore back, restless legs, cold feet and such like I often do, body swirled away into irrelevance and geometric waterfalls of colors rose up in the question, what am I? What is anything? Maybe it was the recent experience of being annihilated by ketamine, or the different strain, or just better practice, but I was overall less anxious and nauseated during this part. Unable to speak, but not alarmed. At one point I did have to go poop but it wasn't the usual runs.

I lost a sense of "me" but it was gentle, not a total ego dissolution but definitely a thinning.
I lost a sense of "me" but it was gentle, not a total ego dissolution but definitely a thinning.
No longer indulging in the anxious habit of trying to remember what sober mind feels like. Let it go! Irrelevant structure and reference points softened, broke up and floated off.

Nightbreak - Demba remix by Warp Technique came on. The buildup was so interesting. The pauses between sounds were so long. Time stretched like taffy. The room was a frosted gem-encrusted cavern. When the song broke and the second part came crashing in it was like a revelation. We were giddy, awed. After it ended I just whispered, Wow.

When Thleilaxu - Kumharis mix by The Genuine came on, I straddled J and danced on him, feeling the energy rushing through us. The energy! It was raining down on us and coursing through me as I rode him and conducted it with my incredibly long, strong arms.

I spent a lot of time this trip standing or crouched between the speakers, hearing the music in all directions and dimensions. Feeling like a big cat peering out of the forest. Standing felt good. Squatting felt good. Yoga poses felt good. Lunging, dancing, and supplicating with arms stretched to the sky felt amazing. When Soma Dreams by Clozee came on I just stood with arms stretched up to receive and I could feel the cosmic energy pour down abundantly on me and through me. When Outer Space Architecture was on, I was in the jungle, peering around, listening to the plants and animals speak. Everything was enchanted.

At some point, unfamiliar music was on and I lay on my back with my head between the speakers and my feet up on the bed and my arms outstretched and I saw G, my daughter's 7th grade classmate who died in an accident last month. I saw L, her mother. I saw the grief which has been so gargantuan I couldn't even imagine it before. I cried, and cried and cried, and curled into the fetal position, child's pose, prone on the ground, and just sobbed and sobbed, it felt like retching, like purging, and I finally understood the benefit of the purging aspect of ayahuasca. It was so vital and necessary to cry for the grief of all the mothers of all the dead children in the world. Like a violent thunderstorm washing through me.

Later, washed clean, I was back to dancing, and went out on the balcony - the stars! The sky was a shining tapestry and the stars were right there, so close, shimmering and I lay on the balcony looking up, feeling cold, not caring a bit.

Back inside the room I spent about 20 minutes (maybe?) standing and staring at the tree of life tapestry and just watching it, fascinated. Looking around the room not blinking at all. The space around us was transparent and shimmering and I could see everything. The phone with the little tiles of artwork on the playlist was so beautiful I couldn't pick a song, I was distracted and smitten by the beauty. I collapsed in giggles, it's so pretty, it's too pretty, it's so fucking pretty I'm gonna die!

When talking came back I was relaxed, I was happy, I was euphoric, I was queen of the world. I said, I feel like I invented the world. We talked of how lucky we are, how we must share love with the kids, about how scary the world is, how beautiful, how uncertain.

The music was just non-stop amazingness and I realized - I have to tell my mom about this! She loves music! She needs to know about this way to experience music. If she wants to try it. Holy shit it's just amazing.

As it was ebbing, slowly swirling away, I was lying in the bed and nothing hurt. I felt complete, and even when J offered me a drink of water I said, I should have some, but I don't want any. I don't want anything. It was not the same feeling as the MDMA, much more relaxed, but equally if not more content and complete. Even today I've felt such a lack of need.

I was filled with gratitude, love and awe and we did not get enough sleep last night, got up to go to G's memorial service. I feel like some layer of armor has been stripped off me. I feel broken open. I feel totally undefended.
I feel totally undefended.
I sat in that church hearing an outpouring of love and grief about this child who by all accounts was Amazing, a poet, a nature lover, a wise soul, a passionate seeker of justice, a community builder, and her mother's only child. I just cried and cried. I could see a community weaving meaning out of tragedy and finding the center of life in the moments we have. I have been floating this whole day. The green trees, the sunshine, the music, my people. All so beautiful and unearned. No obstacles.

Exp Year: 2019ExpID: 113315
Gender: Female 
Age at time of experience: 49 
Published: Jun 29, 2019Views: 1,506
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Mushrooms - P. cubensis (66) : Small Group (2-9) (17), Music Discussion (22), Glowing Experiences (4)

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