DOSE:

6.1 g

oral

Mushrooms

(ground / crushed)

BODY WEIGHT:

170 lb

My first time doing any illicit substance was mushrooms (3.5g) two months prior. It wasn’t the “heroic dose”, so I still desired to know whether consuming a greater amount would provide an even more profound experience. Perhaps contact with other entities? A more profound ego death? The inconceivable? This is a report about my experience with 6.1g.

Set & Setting:
I live in a house on a gated property owned by my employer. The house is toward the back side of the lot, behind some old cinder-block buildings, away from the steel-gated entrance. My wife, our son and I are the only ones who live on the property. When we first moved into the newly built house, I dug a big hole in the back yard and installed a concrete underground room (It’s an excellent chill space). My employer is cool like a friend, but not quite cool enough to know I was doing psilocybin, so my plan was that when we were done working at this property on a Saturday, I would go into the underground room to stay alone in silent darkness, adventuring into the inexplicable. Then when my employer and the workers were definitely gone, I would go outside and play around in the daylight. Meanwhile, my wife and son were staying at my in-laws’ house because my wife didn’t want to associate with drugs, not knowing the effect of mushrooms.

September. 3:09pm I was happy and excited yet respectful of the experience to come. I water fasted for 24 hours prior. As a holy ritual, I weighed out my remaining amount of ground up “Taj Mahal” mushrooms. It came to 6.1 grams. I swirled the powder with water in my “Dark Side of the Moon” cup and enjoyed the earthiness through a straw. I laid down on my bean bag chair and awaited the magic.

Gradually came the very colorful closed-eyed visuals and the contorted thoughts. Through the course of the whole experience I perceived my existence as infinitely and intimately everything, which actually felt very lonely and eerie rather than blissfully unifying. I felt as though each person and occurrence in my life is an imagined energetic pattern that has been in relation to me for eternity ; that the archetypes of offspring, spouse, friends, siblings, parents, authority figures, every thing and every event are natural patterns that emanate through infinity.

At times I felt comfortable to lay openly on my bean bag chair with my arms and legs sprawled out. I would eventually feel cold, and have a sense of fear in my racing thoughts, so I tucked into a fetal position to feel a cozy, comforting hug from my own arms and blanket. Then after a while of that, I felt restricted and I sprawled out again, relieved of the pressure. I kept doing that like 15 times while I was in a loop of worrying about whether my thoughts would lead me to logically justify why it was okay to kill myself. I would realize “For gosh sakes, I’m just laying down limp and I’d totally know if I was going to make a bad decision”. I was in the silent darkness for an hour and 44 minutes, but it felt like 45 minutes.

4:53 I came to terms that I wasn’t making progress in silent darkness, so I was cheerfully ready to go play outside like a child in the beautiful daylight. I opened the door and peeked my head out into the bright, colorful daylight to make sure nobody was around. I walked up the stone stairs and cautiously checked my corners. The coast was clear all around so I started meandering the property talking to myself, making funny noises and touching things. (I tried to untwist a vibrant rusty metal nut attached to a bolt in the wall, and the metal felt squishy) Everything was so fun! Occasionally I stopped to scan my surroundings and make sure nobody was around and that I wasn’t doing anything risky. I did realize once in a while that I was being quite loud, and I hoped nobody saw me acting weird.

Everything was so beautiful: Old buildings, the 6-month old fruit forest, work trucks, the sky. I was in love with plants, even the dead ones. Looking at a small dead tree I shrugged my shoulders and said, “He’s dead. That’s fine”. I was so, so appreciative that I had such a big colorful place to be loud and dance around and do goofy things. I kept thinking about how it was like a carnival. It didn’t matter to me that I was alone. I put my crossed arms at the top of an old, short white painted brick wall (a bit above armpit height) to relax and view this big playground in astonishment. Seconds passed I felt as though the wall had grown taller and I had to hold onto it as though my feet were dangling from a high cliff, then I realized my feet were still on the ground and I busted up laughing.

I looked at my phone and saw 5:30, and I really tried to think of how long it was since 3:00. I had no ability to understand the concept that two and half hours had passed, like a kid with no concept of time.

I really enjoyed the funny little phrases I came up with and how all words sound silly. As I would speak, every word would sound like “yesterday”, “always”, “yep”, “squelch” my name, or my brother’s name. I had many thoughts of my child life and family connections. Close cousins who moved away and such.

Here are some things I thought were funny:
“I don’t care what I think I tell myself” -I typed that in my phone when I was in the underground room with only my thoughts.
“I know there’s things there” -Peeking in a small crack in the old building. I saw a spider.
“Going into a better everywhere” -Super happy to go everywhere I walked.
“Everything’s a behind me” –Turning around and being amazed that a new visual world had been behind me.
“I’m on a blazin’ amount of mushrooms”

It was beginning to get dark. I saw my employer pull up in his car to the front of the property, at the mailbox he was installing earlier. My eyes widened in fear. I figured someone reported that I was outside being loud and being weird. I was like “oh crap!” and stealthfully jammed back to the backyard. I was so dreading to leave the carnival and go into the dark underground room, to hide from the impending doom of my employer or the cops coming in and taking me away, and me losing my job and lifestyle I have worked for. I walked down the stone steps and closed the door in the pitch dark room, leaving the lamp off so it wouldn’t shine through the ventilation openings. I kept thinking, “I don’t want to go back there” as though I have been in psychotic confinement before. I felt as if I had always been in a reincarnation loop of having a good life of freedom, then going back to mushrooms and getting locked up because I was crazy. I set my phone on the floor so I could put a fan near my face to cool off.

I further freaked out because I thought I was going to cause an electrical fire for some reason so I turned the fan off. I attempted to reach for my phone, which was my sense of comfort and connection to safety. I couldn’t find my phone in the dark and I felt so lost. (I didn’t have cellular connection anyway because of the concrete ceiling.) I was thirsty and wanted the cooling sensation of water, so I felt around for the water jug, and as a poor, scared child in the dark, I let the water pour into my mouth. I heard the noise of chains outside, which I believed was someone opening the property gate. I laid there and thought, “I did a bad thing. I know it was bad. They can take me. I keep doing this. I need to be locked up. I know I’m crazy”. After several minutes, I opened the door and leaned on the door frame to accept my capture. I saw red flashing lights outside reflecting off the fence. I stood there for about a minute, waiting and dreading for them to come, but no one came. I gathered the courage to walk up the stone stairs and I peeked around the house and discovered that the lights and noise was from the neighbor’s property. It was a tow truck with flashing red lights, loading up a car. The lights and sounds of the chains still kept freaking me out due to my short attention span. I still wasn’t sure if someone was coming or not.

6:15 Now that I was out of the room, I had a service connection on my phone, so managed to call my wife (amidst my visual distortion of the phone screen) to come and make sure everything was safe and to talk for me in case someone did come. With my very disoriented attention span, I told her my employer was outside and that I was afraid, and how beautiful the sunset sky was, and how she reminded me of family, and that I was freaking out. She was responding calmly and being totally acceptant of my plea for help. She had been at her parents’ house because she wanted to totally avoid me while I was tripping, but she knew I needed her, so she came to my rescue. She said “I’m on my way, going 45 on [a country back road]” and I replied “Oh you don’t have to go fast, just be safe” thinking 45mph was like 85mph, because I had little concept of numbers. She soon arrived and came to the back of the house where I was waiting, and I was so relieved she came, yet ashamed that I had to involve her.
She suggested that I would look much less suspicious if I just went inside our house instead of standing outside. We went in and talked for about 20 minutes. She had assured to me that I was safe, and said that she was intending to go back to her parents’ house for the night. I felt anxiety about her leaving, because I wasn’t sure if I was going to think it was okay to go outside and do crazy things. (I didn’t trust myself at the time, but now looking back, I realize that I was totally responsible in that state of mind during the whole experience) She ended up staying and remained awake with me and until 2am.

That night we joked around together and had some of the best genuine conversations since we had first met. Along with being goofy, I talked very expressively, using small words, which intrigued and entertained her, seeing such an exaggeration of my character. My ego barriers were down and I was completely open to be my unrestricted self; enjoying to express care without the fear of being rejected; saying things with body/facial expressions without fear of judgement; all with good intentions because I was very sensitive to the ‘vibe’. Bad vibes felt bad, and I loved feeling good!

We realized that when we restrict ourselves, our energy is lower, thought capacity is lower, and our willingness to exit the negativity is lower. It is difficult to acknowledge our thoughts in that negative state, but the body is an indicator of our feelings. By observing our own body language and other actions, we are able to observe how we feel and get real with ourselves. If we realize this, we can emulate happy actions to help us get back to the happy place. It increases our energy to acknowledge the reason we had restricted ourself in the first place, and to stay in the positive vibe. It’s not a denial of ‘negative’ feelings, but a way to get to a higher vibe place and address our feelings accurately.

I believe that the mushrooms helped me rediscover my unrestricted personality because they lessened my attention span which caused me to apply my awareness to my momentary environment and to my racing thoughts. I was able to experience myself without the protective barriers. I now have a reference of my favorite self which I can emulate in my daily life.
Freedom is neither running to nor running from. Freedom is openness.

Exp Year: 2018	ExpID: 113358
Gender: Male
Age at time of experience: 26
Published: Jul 27, 2019	Views: 635
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