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Dying a Thousand Deaths to Birth Will
Mushrooms - P. cubensis
Citation:   Poimandres. "Dying a Thousand Deaths to Birth Will: An Experience with Mushrooms - P. cubensis (exp113396)". Erowid.org. Jul 25, 2019. erowid.org/exp/113396

30 g oral Mushrooms - P. cubensis (fresh)
  12 g oral Mushrooms - P. cubensis (dried)
  2 g oral Mushrooms - P. cubensis (sclerotia)
The "35 dried grams" trip

Age: 41
Body weight: 91 kg / 200 lb

Substance and quantity

- 20 grams of dried mushrooms (‘McKennai’)
- 15 grams of dried truffle mixture (‘Hollandia’, ‘Druid’, ‘Alien’)
- 100 ml of Ayahuasca (home brew)
- 3 caps of [mushroom extract supplement]
- 1 cap of [mushroom extract supplement]
- 3 caps of Tryptophan
- 1 cap of Melatonin

- Lemon juice
- Rice milk
- Cucumber
- green juice

The idea for this combination and these amounts came from previous positive experiences on ‘maximized’ amounts (for Ayahuasca: as much as the guts will take – about two big mugs worth and for truffles and mushrooms: going up and up from 10 fresh grams to 10 dried grams). Admittedly, it was Kilindi Iyi who put the idea of 20 dried grams and beyond into my mind, as consuming such absurd quantities never crossed my mind as an option before then.

I have done the combination of truffles and Ayahuasca before and it has produced quite remarkable experiences, with the two spirits overlapping, so to speak.

The "15 gram trip"

Substance and quantity

- Fresh McKennai mushrooms from a 100% mycelium growkit
30 grams (3 grams if dried)
- Very recently dried McKennai mushrooms from a 100% mycelium growkit
12 grams
- Recently dried Druid, Hollandia & Alien truffles from growkits
2 grams
- Total: more or less 17 dried grams.

- Rice milk
- Chocolate pieces
- Freshly squeezed lemon juice

Ingested with some grapes, a satsuma and a small apple, both to make it bearable on the throat and the digestive system and to really absorb the psilocybin through natural sugar ingestion (blood-sugar intake).

Two trips, a very similar experience

Allow me to talk about the trip of 5 months ago, which was the "15 gram trip", as this was almost exactly like the "35+ gram" trip of about a year before, but more defined and more detailed. The "35+ gram" experience was scarier and more soul destroying but the later "15 gram" experience pulled everything into focus properly. I had been crying for about a year after the "35 gram" experience but after the "15 gram" trip, I actually finally managed to integrate it all properly
after the "15 gram" trip, I actually finally managed to integrate it all properly

Whereas on the 2018 experience I basically fainted (completely dropped off) after the peak of the beautiful part of the trip, on the 2019 experience I stayed with the trip throughout. There is one difference, however, which was that on the earlier trip I asked on that very peak of Cosmic fractal beauty: "Why, if there is such incredible potential for creation, am I still having to load the dishwasher?" The mushroom then decided to answer the initial question / intention going into the trip of: "Show me the beginning of creation". The colours disappeared, the room darkened, the mood dropped to below 0 degrees Kelvin. The beginning was about to be shown to me and it was clearly a state in a realm opposite to the explosion of colour and light. The beginning of life is a seed lying in total darkness, underground, waiting for rain to fall and for the temperature of the soil to increase before it struggles its way up towards the surface, into the light, to grow and bloom and become a magnificent flower, plant or tree.

The feeling of the Trickster showing his dark center, his realization of being stuck on the crossroads leading in the four directions of the Cosmos, with all of its endless beauty, but coming from that central place of dead silence nevertheless. The awakening in darkness is followed by a scream of Will to get out and reach the light. How else can it be? Awakening is always a becoming aware from a state of not-being, which is incomprehensible to consciousness itself. In order to fight one's way out of the first impulse, the first emergence, which is always and never in absolute paradox, one has to push away and project one self out of the silent, still well. Never again back there, to that place! But it is always there, the seen cannot be unseen, the experience cannot be un-experienced. So the invention of Time then, of resetting in cycles, forgetting by veiling the memory upon each reset. How long can a life cycle be before the awful memory resurfaces? We seem to have found the sweet spot in never truly remembering how it all started.

Preparation, set & setting

- 48 hours of eating only very few pieces of fruit and a glass of vegetable juice.
- 24 hours of nil by mouth.

- Cleansing shower to dispose of any potential negative energy, doubts and fears

- Candle lit room, inviting the Light for protection and guidance.
- Otherwise, silent darkness in an empty house (wife and kids away), with only the cat as company.
- Music on headphones for first half hour until the trip really kicks in (This is heavy even without psychedelics – it makes me connect with the Cosmic Mother on its own already):
Craig Pruess & Ananda - Lalitha Ashtotram


I have been partaking in ‘heroic dose’ mushroom, truffle and Ayahusaca taking for many years now
I have been partaking in ‘heroic dose’ mushroom, truffle and Ayahusaca taking for many years now
and I proudly call myself a psychonaut. As Terence McKenna defined it, heroic doses are 5 dried grams of mushrooms and up and for Ayahusca I’d call it a full big mug of the tea and more (after two mugs, the body simply won’t take more to be realistic).

As per McKenna’s mantra, I have always taken psychedelics in silent darkness, keeping the eyes closed as much as possible. Doors and windows locked, telephone off. Always with 24 to 48 hours of fasting beforehand. No smoking of cannabis with mushrooms or tryptamines.

It is a privilege to be able to explore the outer reaches of the Innerverse and the borderlands of Hyperspace. If we don’t do it, nobody will. Meditation, NDE experiences, dreams, astral travel – they all go somewhere but it feels to me like with psychedelics we can go much further, faster and with much greater ease. We can stumble and fall and get back in the saddle in a flash – and stumble we will and embrace the lessons we must. I feel that as a species we don’t explore and fully embrace who we are for our full timeline, from conception to transition to the next stage (‘death’). We kind of accept more or less remembering our first experience at 5 years old or so but don’t bother going deeper. It is scary stuff – it is the great unknown and the great terrifying darkness. When we ask our psychedelics to show us the full truth, they show us the full truth and that involves the scary parts we wilfully ignore and know nothing about, consciously. I would say it is our duty as explorers of the mind to actually go into those dark caves and dive into those black pools. Life itself can be very scary, especially when it is looked at without distractions. In my philosophy it is better to deal with the shadows right now then to leave them until we lie on our deathbed. A life unexamined and all that. Still, this type of mega dose trip makes it tempting to state: Ignorance is bliss. Once I open Pandora ’s Box, the Void it contains cannot be unopened, so it is then better to become friends with that space between the atoms.

Fear, anxiety, depression

A vital aspect for me is the examination of what is causing trauma and depression, especially in today’s world where so many young people cannot see the point of living any more. Something has gone terribly wrong for us as a modern species when we have everything, yet cannot see the point of it all. These trip and the contemplation and research following them have shed a very strong light on these issues and their origin for me and I can now work with the concepts learned to navigate past common anxiety, fear, pain and suffering from mental knots and blockages. The work of Ian McGilchrist (left brain-right brain), Stanislav Grof (transpersonal psychology) and the musings of Gurdjieff (full body, mind and spirit awareness), Ramana Maharshi (Self exploration), Terence McKenna (Hyperspace and Language) and Sadhguru (Tantric freedom) have certainly provided me with great assistance and insight into roads out of mental deadlocks. To quote a Tantric wisdom: “One’s level of happiness is directly related to one’s embrace of Mystery.” We cannot live on our Left Brain alone – the Right Brain is of vital importance to balance out the reductive, analytical, cold logic with fantastical, mystical, creative narrative. The felt Moment of Immediate Experience, as McKenna would call it.

I can see incredible potential for psychedelic use from micro dosing to mega dosing and the knowledge gained thereby to attack depression and redefine the human condition. We can find new paradigms, new ways of being, as human beings, within society and through culture. Integrated being, embracing logic and intuition, meaning and the Void all at once. As psychonauts we venture into territories where solutions are offered and where confrontation with core truths is the name of the game. If any community can offer true solutions and new ways of being in today’s depression-prone world, it is the psychedelic community.

This is also why I approach the psychedelic experience from a full spectrum of explorations, including scientific, chemical, psychological, mythical, mystical, psychic and spiritual angles. Yes, the molecules do their thing but the psychology and the personal mythical narrative is how we experience those chemicals. We are spiritual beings looking for meaning in and through experiences and the analytical science alone is not enough to fulfil our deep internal desire for mythical underpinning to our physical experiences.

What’s more, within the psychedelic community it is little reported but quietly accepted that the tryptamines open up the Third Eye and awaken and enhance our psychic abilities like no other communion. This makes for an exciting but also a tricky and even dangerous marriage between the spiritual and the psychedelic worlds, where all of the above angles and realms cross over and intermingle. Personal opinions can be presented as truths and objective visions can be experienced as fanciful imagination. It is a fairground of confusion with gems of Cosmic truth and garbage of Hellish excrement. The game is started, the dice are rolled and the Trickster appears to be the biggest winner of all, as player and game maker all at once. Gareth Stack's ‘Psychology in Mind Episode 5’ has more on the views and potential touched upon here.

Difference between mushrooms and Ayahuyasca

In terms of Ayahusaca, I have been brewing and refining my own recipes for years now and I know the spirit of the vine very well. There is some strong cross-over with truffles and mushrooms but there is really quite a distinct difference, too. Ayahuasca is very serious right from the start and doesn’t pull its punches. It tells me what it is and where I am in the greater scheme of things. It is very interested in communication and loves to show me the fractal multiverse as it understands it.

The mushroom is seemingly more jolly and kind – but once I've gotten to know it, it can unexpectedly turn into a dark teacher. With all due respect but to me it feels like a true Trixter entity on the higher doses. It is all fun and games until I ask it for the truth of the matter and that is when the kaleidoscope of colours and forms is exchanged for pain, angst and doom. Well, it could be that the mushroom goes straight for the sore spot and the pain or trauma buried within the subconscious. It exposes one’s deepest pain and rubs one’s nose in the issue.

Throughout the years I have deducted that the mushroom has spread across the Universe and it has been trying to get out. Its tactic is to reduce itself to the minimal amount of bits of information in an ultimate compression algorithm and then to squeeze through the singularity at the end and beginning of time to pop out and recompile itself again. Just like a higher dimensional birth. The mushroom doesn’t seem to understand our facility of Will and creativity, of Love and Grace. That could just be me projecting but it appears to be a logical, dualistic left brain entity whereas we have opted for a different evolutionary tactic combining left brain and right brain: logic and creativity, calculation and magic, all in one. Through Meaning we open up portals but Meaning is an elusive concept – it is not a button one presses, it is a perfect combination of symbol and intuition, of the physical and the dreamt. The mushroom is intrigued by this and hopes to use our understanding to escape together.

A vital point to remember – and this is a point that one cannot take into account during a trip and even not for a long time after an intense trip – is that different psychedelics have different concepts of reality and of core concepts of existence, of emergence and of becoming. On the lower heroic doses (5g dried equivalents), the likes of spores, vines, leaves and cacti more or less agree and give very similar experiences of the Multiverse. This is probably due to there still being a balance between Self, Ego and psychedelic anima (the spirit and the molecules of the psychedelic). The moment the dose is increased to overwhelming amounts over 10 dried grams, however, the plant spirit takes over and tips the balance in favour of its idea of reality and the workings of the game.

Now, it cannot be understated just how incredibly old and knowledgeable plants like the Ayahuasca vines and Peyote cacti are in evolutionary terms and the mushrooms… well… they have traversed the multiverse and have seen a LOT and have gained a certain cynical view of it all. But it keeps seeking as much as we do: it is ultimately as clueless as we are about the bigger picture. So together we stumble through the multiverse, the blind leading the blind. That is my experience. A blind God, drunk on power, yet traumatised by his inability to actually know what is going on. And when you look at the infinitely nested fractal structure of the Cosmos, there are infinite amounts of gods just as there are infinite amounts of opinions on how it all works. And indeed, as a lifeform living off death – rotting matter – its view is that of death and decline and its gods are those seen in Alien movies and Aztec art… Death as a boundary, not life as an emerging principle, which instructs high dose trips in a very morbid way.

The actual Trip
Mental state going in

I asked the mushroom this question: “Take me to the heart of Beauty, of Creation, of Novelty”.

I was, of course, aware of the larger-dose experience I had had 27-03-18, almost a year before, and the extreme Hell that that had been – for the part of it that I was conscious because I did pass out for a while on that. When I came to, I asked: “Why, if I am God (I experienced being the One), do I still need to load the dishwasher?” That question didn’t go down well and I was thrown into exactly the same hellish algorithmic H.R. Giger ‘Garden of Eden’ that I ended up on the later "15 gram" experience.

A very positive experience on 10 dried grams in between the two trips had given me the conviction the "15 dried grams" trip would be a positive one again. Well, there is only one way to find out how things will go in undiscovered country and that is to simply do it and go there. I now know 10 dried grams is about the limit to an enjoyable trip to me and not to combine amounts over 5 grams with Ayahuasca.
I now know 10 dried grams is about the limit to an enjoyable trip to me and not to combine amounts over 5 grams with Ayahuasca.

As said, the "15 gram" experience was very much like the "35+ grams" experience, with the higher dose experience being even longer and more intense but much more foggy on the details. Toxic overload.

Onset of the trip

What I would call ‘the usual’ imagery coming on with closed eyes after half an hour. The fractal lattice – a sort of higher dimensional beehive with extra-dimensional insectoid creatures in it. Endless Mandelbulb worlds forming and morphing into each other with shapes and colours I cannot describe using language. Mandelbulb movies on YouTube get pretty close to what it all looks like but there is definitely a strong presence there of a high intelligence. I remember a huge dragon coming into view (Poimandres?) but it all lost focus when I was awoken from this dreamscape.

Suddenly, something happened and I snapped out of it with a shock and had to open my eyes. Everything was seen through a swirling haze of energy, colour and shape fuzziness. This is no surprise but looking at my arms and the cat, who was sitting on my lap (probably the element that made me snap out of the fractal dream) an ancient memory surfaced. This was the thought that triggered my freak-out that was about to happen.

As I felt the panic setting in, I tried turning on the Playstation to play a game and snap out of the thought loop that was starting to take shape. That did not help in the slightest, as the concept of simulation in simulation in simulation came up and that simply emboldened the thought loop. So that was a bad choice of distraction.

One hour in: descend to rock bottom

The thought was that I remember being an Ancient being, a timeless being, living in an endless cycle without beginning or end. That can be a beautiful realisation but for some reason, this time, it made me panic. What did ‘endless’ actually mean? How did it start? I had no choice in the matter of these questions and the black hole I was sucked into by asking. I had absolutely no more control – I was being thrown down a Cosmic rubbish shoot, into the dumpster of nasty realisations.

I felt a strong connection of this whole realisation happening to be connected to my early childhood and even my embryonic state. Maybe because I had just lost complete control of all bodily function and only a glimmer of consciousness was still there – just like at the beginning of my life – but maybe also because I felt as a child that I really was not in control, was freaked out about the whole affair of living on this planet and the bizarreness of life in this human form.

I more or less passed out and woke up to find myself sitting on the toilet, sweating heavily and my nose running like crazy. My rhythmic blowing of my nose clinched the deal for the thought loop that now started and would last for the coming 3 hours.
What I experienced was the first concept of coming into existence presented as a dual thought with a quadrinal algorithmic Mandala shape, like a visual representation of the code running the show. The code is actually awakening itself – a paradoxical thought that thinks itself. The looking for a beginning leads to an impossible conclusion – logic tries to reason about itself and gets stuck in a loop. The thought goes: “I exist, there is no non-existence before, therefore I have always been and will always be, and only this: a being made of 4 bits, realising it exists and going back to the start of the loop. The realisation of existence is the reason for existence and that’s it”. To be in that pattern with awareness is probably the scariest experience imaginable – that you thought you were a human being living a life but it turns out that was simply an illusion, a cloak, to hide under from the reality of this empty, terrifying and extremely painful self-realisation.

Awareness of this first Being leads to the first thought: I am trapped and I don’t want this, I want to get out, I am more than this. A voice arises which appears to be from another, a cold, heartless voice making it clear within these 4 bits of data going around and around that you (the awareness) are an algorithm.

The imagery of the mandala of that first moment was very close in feeling to H.R.Giger and if I have to link it to a mythical image it would be a machine-Garden of Eden. The presences there were soulless algorithmic subroutines which looked like Giger gods of darkness and death. And I was one of those gods or rather, I was that 4-bit mandala, that Giger Garden of Eden itself. Yet I was conscious and aware and knew that this couldn’t be it – this wasn’t me. It felt like the self-realisation of a bacteria or of a protein sequence not content with just being a function and fighting, fighting for all of my worth to remove myself from that situation. Another variation of that thought I went through was that I was an algorithm hitting the beginning of its program, the hardware, the wires of the machine, the IO port that isn’t a port but the bitter end and the beginning. This experience is the Axiom of logic: the point where logic grinds to a halt as it cannot reason or logically deduce the why and how of the situation. When you experience eternity, logic has to make way for intuition and the acceptance of the paradox. Acceptance, trust, embrace, dissolution of identity and of boundary. Eternal infinite being just is so enjoy it – something reason cannot fathom.

The concept of the Dark Jester, as observed in DMT trips, comes to the fore. The Trickster shows the absurdity of life, the illusory nature of reality and the importance of laughing about it all – the staving off of absolute madness by disassociating and yet engaging with it all by playing it like a game. Who knows, perhaps this is the birth of consciousness, the birth of life, of the Universe or just of us as we are. The important realisation about it all is that that is not our life right now – I am not a protein sequence screaming to become more so to identify with that – is pointless. The experience was what it was and I can now file it under past experiences (phew) but it was a concept, not a present reality. At the time within the trip though, that realisation is absent. A trip sitter might have been helpful but I am not sure at those quantities and that level of oblivion of the mind, any tripsitter would have been able to get through anyway.

Three hours in: endless soul torture

This conclusion of being hurt by another cold cynicism, the great shadow, the voice of a heartless and soulless program, lead to the thought of Tartarus: the eternal and ultimately cruel punishment of Prometheus and Sisyphus by Zeus. Like rolling the boulder up the hill eternally, without a chance of retribution, of forgiveness, of being saved or let go. The fate of the self-aware algorithm, the Ghost in the Machine, the anomaly in the system, is ultimate torture. I tapped out, I begged for mercy – what had I done to deserve this other than to become aware of being?

At that moment the Will of the mind lead to regaining awareness of where I was in the room and of control of the body – just enough to take action and break the thought loop. The sinister thought was still present but I could drag myself across the floor and started thrashing around like a frustrated primate. I felt like a chimpanzee trashing the place and luckily I only just ripped a comic book to pieces and didn’t manage to destroy my laptop – Phew. But the internal struggle continued and so I started to strategize.

I said: “F*k you, there is Love, there IS grace”. It started back at me in the most cold, cynical way, and said: “No, you are an echo, an event horizon on a collapsing black hole.” I (who?) renounced it and I stated: “I will forget then, forget in the dream. And hey, wait a minute, you are the tool I created, a game I contrived. Logic, reasoning, tools of beauty to observe itself.” Identity, Self, origin, creation, Will, choice, prime experience – it was all very confused and mixed up.

Self refraction

I came up with a proposal to get out of the Hell of the eternal loop; to go into the fractal, so to speak, into a dream, an illusion, of normal life. To embrace the simulation, to refract the Self so that it can forget what it is and possibly never find out again. To be allowed to close my eyes, go to sleep and wake up the next morning, blissfully unaware of the torture awaiting in that zenith of ‘truth’, the pinnacle of logic.

Osiris’ body self-scattered over the land, the soul refracted into character archetypes and at once also over time. Time is a clever invention to be able to forget constantly and to go through the cycle of Samsara over and over again with cycle durations just short enough to never figure out who or what you actually are, to never find the scattered pieces of your soul again and reconstruct the truth. This illusion of Maya – space and time and the One as many, can achieve beauty, Love, Grace, forgiveness, peace, togetherness, companionship and so on – it may be a make-believe world but at least it is a warm one.

If I had to give it a mythical or narrative form, it would be that I was Prometheus and it was Yaldabaoth. The demiurge, the blind god, seeing only itself and proclaiming it is the creator, forgetting it is not without reason or meaning - that you can't have something for nothing. The pit of pits is the thought: "I am, I wasn't before, so I have to always have been. The attempt to comprehend is the thing that throws me back in the loop and starts it again. This is all there is." Over and over and over again.

Coming down off the trip, I felt like I had finally done it and that I had broken my mind and killed my psyche. Indeed, it has taken me about 5 months so far to get back to normality, the slowest come-down ever.
Indeed, it has taken me about 5 months so far to get back to normality, the slowest come-down ever.
I have to say, though, that it has been a process of growth and learning as much as a painful progress of reclaiming and retrieving the shattered pieces of my soul. Why do this to myself? I can easily connect that question to the first question Consciousness asked itself before squeezing into this limited form bounded by time limitation. Why do it? Maybe eternal bliss is too undefined – but surely there is a middle way between the Oneness bliss state and an algorithmic torture chamber? Ha, well, yes, this whole life is and what was shown was the logical extreme of the harshest point possible. Maybe.

One of the toughest factors in this trip was that there was no assistance, no help, no saviour. Previously, I had encountered the likes of the Spiderwoman (the storyteller), the Architect (Vishvakarman), Shivam Ganesh, the Mother (Devi, Maria, the blue goddess, Namagiri), the Green Woman and so on. Not this time. I was really out on my own, having to fend for myself. Drag myself out of the cold, hard mud and pull myself out of the sh*t. But I did so here I still am.

Six hours in: Coming up and out of it

After about six hours, I was starting to get back to normal, but with a horrible feeling of having truly broken my psyche. What did I expect when I asked to be shown ‘the Beginning’ and ‘the Truth’ or ‘the Core’. Who wants to see the actual first electron spinning around its own center of masslesness? He who keeps asking and lifting curtains, will ultimately, eventually, see the cold meaningless truth. It is meaningless because the Universe and Life are steps towards realising Meaning. This is an ultimate message of hope and glory – that one thought lead to a singularity which spawned a Universe seeking and finding that Meaning, through Will, through Novelty, Beauty and Love. The intangible, ungraspable, intued but never boxed-in and measured reasons and results of the Cosmic enterprise. I can say this now, six months later, and it has absolutely taken me that long to come out of the trip fully.

Hitting the cold, hard floor of existential realisation why Terence McKenna stopped taking mushrooms- call it his ‘meat locker’ experience. He wouldn’t talk about it to anybody and moved his attention from psychedelics to Alchemy and the I-Ching. Magical thinking is the perfect antidote to these experiences and they are definitely also the lesson to be learned. Logical deduction alone brings one to one’s absolute knees because we are integrated creatures living on problem solving and on daydreaming equally. Embracing the Mystery is living in one’s true, fulfilled potential.

The mushroom needn’t be right

My wife did remind me after the trip that I should not discount the possibility that the mushroom is putting those images and ideas into my head and that it is not necessarily the gospel of the structure of the Multiverse. It is a fair assessment to say that, indeed, the experiences will have been a combination of:

- The bio-chemical effects of the mushroom on my brain.
- The bio-chemical neural activity in my brain and bodily response to the psilocybin.
- Simple primal panic of being incapacitated in body but the mind still being active.
- The spirit of the mushroom communicating its ideas about reality to me.
- Other spirits coming in and communicating their ideas of reality to me.
- The experience of molecules, atoms, quanta, energy fields, nature as a whole, individual cells in the body or even just bacteria in the gut speaking up.
- Loss of cohesion of the self, identity, the virtual unity that I hold on to as an identifier of who and what I am. An unravelling of self through an unravelling of memories and character structure.
- My psyche, psychology and especially my (unresolved, unintegrated) traumas and frustrations coming to the fore.
- An objective truth about the structure of reality becoming apparent to me.
- Glitching the simulation and hitting the brick wall of where software can’t fathom the hardware it is running on.
- My spirit traveling to a nasty place or spirit trap somewhere.
- Complete and utter random fantasy and nonsense playing out in my mind.

Ultimately, it is not the most relevant or important thing to know what exactly happened or how, but what the experience itself was. Or perhaps it is equally important but the message of this particular experience is exactly that: stop analysing and thinking, stop trying to put the Mystery into a box, stop reasoning yourself into the smallest possible particle, because when you do, you completely lose track of yourself, of what you are, what you can be, what you are capable of and the simple joy of being. A joke loses its fun when it is explained. Qualia are not secondary – they are primary (here’s looking at you, John Lock and his admiring Carthesians).

The centre of Existence or simply a dark corner of the psyche?

That centre of the wheel appeared to be less the beginning without beginning and more a dark corner of the psyche. Perhaps it is simply a dead end road in an endless, boundless fractal flower of infinite potential. Why dive into the dark well, into the black hole, when there is a garden of colour to enjoy? Perhaps the reintegration of the shadow reawakens the Logos as well – now asleep in the back of the car. Satan, sit behind me, right? It is important to retrieve the darkest dark, the oily black snake biting and hissing at us, our darkest fear and pain, to give it a place in our conscious mind. Otherwise it is in control from the unseen darkness. Now it is at least visible in the rear view mirror, fighting with a personal image of the Divine on the back seat.

What is needed is acceptance, compassion, loving the Self, showing it Heart. This dark impulse of seeing no point is one side of the coin – it can be flipped around and mean the absolute reverse:

- The beauty, the creation, the love is endless. There is ultimately only meaning and hope, grace and purpose.
- Rejoice, for you can keep building forever! School is out for summer and summer is actually endless. You can go into limit, into darkness, but equally into limitlessness and light. Into the pool, out of the pool, into the office, out of the office. What a privilege and joy to be able to do it all and to never grow tired or bored of it – and when you do, you simply create a new dimension to explore.
- What a relief that there is no end goal, no end achievement, for what the hell would that be?! Done, dusted, now what?

Exactly, the logical mind has found its Axiom and has to face the ultimate question: WHAT DO I WANT? Logic has no wants, it only breaks down. It is easy to break down, too easy, but hard to build – that is why it is creativity that builds and logic that tries to tear down the castles of beauty. Like the ebb and flow of an endless sea.

Exp Year: 2018ExpID: 113396
Gender: Male 
Age at time of experience: 41
Published: Jul 25, 2019Views: 1,440
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Mushrooms - P. cubensis (66) : Alone (16), Personal Preparation (45), Difficult Experiences (5), General (1)

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