Citation: shadvlad. "The Choice Of Existence: An Experience with Mushrooms, Cannabis & Salvia divinorum (extract) (exp113780)". Erowid.org. Jul 18, 2020. erowid.org/exp/113780
After taking 15 g of shrooms and thinking that I am not having any recognizable effects, I decide to have a very hot shower, because I was feeling quite cold. Enjoying the feel of steaming water burning my skin, an idea appears in my mind why not to vape some weed [0,3 g] and mix some extract of salvia divinorum [0,2 g] with it. So after preparing my vape and switching off the lights I get comfy on the bed in my hotel room surrounding myself with pillows and listening to the gamma waves meditation music.
As vape reaches the hottest temperature I start making long inhales and holding the vapor for 10 secs, doing 3 sets of 3 long inhales. At some point my throat starts feeling itchy and I drink some water. I decide to cover myself completely with a duvet in order to switch off the sense of sight and sound.
As I start feeling mild effects of mushrooms dissolving my body, the sensation of bliss checks in and my body no longer exist. All my body parts are non existent, just the essence of being. As the deafening buzz I hear becomes so strong and intense I abandon myself to this feeling, accepting its infinite power and becoming one with it, dissolving it and entering permanent extatic state. In the infinetly distant state of my being I register my breathing is very slow, first like a deep meditation slow and becoming slower and more feeble as almost non existent. I realize that the longer I am not breathing the deeper I enter this intense and unbearable extasy. The longer I am withhelding oxygen from my human body the stronger my energetic centers starts to vibrate plunging me into infinite bliss. This speedingly intensifying vibration unifies my energetic spheres and increases its frequency. I am feeling some kind of gravity that stretches me infinetly.
All I want is to increase the frequency of vibration and lose myself in no space. The idea blooms - to use my vocal cords in order to intensify the unbearable vibration. And the only sound that escapes is moan. AND AS I MOAN I BREATHE. I feel oxygen filing my body with a burning gratifying sensation, I feel the rush of it in my blood cells delivering it in every point of space limited human body. And then I stop breathing again returning into the blissfully terrifying state of nothingness where space and time do not exist, the concept of I doesn't exist. It is nothing. And yet it is filled with infinitely multiple dimensions that exist all in the same moment. Dimensions that are ready to be grasped by the sensation of the thought and shaped into the reality. Reality. What is it? Does MY reality exist? Does these multiple dimensions need to be shaped into a certain design? The concept appears. My existence is tied to the concept of time. But what is time and why do I need it? The answer comes. The time is needed by the human body in order to know when to breathe. DEEP BREATH. EXHALE. STOP. Switching to the electrifying nothingness of the infinite multi dimensions. Should I switch no more? Should the human body be left without essence in that hotel room? It can be done. I have all the needed power to do it. Just stop breathing. Nullify the time. Nullify the existence.
EGO. I become very aware that brain does never switch off. Even when we sleep it goes in the process of regulating the body survival functions. But I can switch it off now. Or if I fall asleep, this time, it will be switched off permanently. The ego will be nullified - death. Blissful nothingness. But it is the first time that I tried salvia and while being on heavy dose of mushrooms, alone in the hotel room in a foreign country. Maybe that wasn't such a good idea? May be that's why everywhere is recommended to have it with a sitter? Because maybe my breath could slow down to a stop and my brain alone won't be able to restart it. Who am I? What is I?
My body manages to raise from the bed and switch on the light in the room. The sight checks in and starts shaping the reality. The legs walk towards the mirror while the upper body is a fluid liquid mass. There is a shape in the mirror. The shape has precise contours. It even has a color. There is a pale skinned shape of a guy with turquoise hair. I stare at the widely dilated blue eyes in the mirror. The mouth forming itself into a grin. Dude this time you are really fucked. I have a body. And this body may not survive this experience. My body comes back to bed to lie down and my essence remembers having a very dear person in my life who may be very sad if my body will be found empty the next day in the hotel room. So I decide to video call my life partner for the last 10 years. To see him and for him to see me and shape my existence into this reality. He knows, I am taking mushrooms and heavily tripping, so we slowly talk about how is the evening at home. For him it is just a call, for me it may be the last time I see him because I will probably cease to exist when my brain shuts down in the sleep without keeping the body in check. So I tell him how much I love him and that I need to sleep off this trip that I'm having, then we say goodbye to each other.
Exhale. Plunge into nothingness. I realize that there is silence in the room. The meditation music stopped ages ago. I lost the track of time. THERE IS NO TIME. How do I know when to breath if there is no time? Why do I need to breathe if there is no ego? The infinite nothingness is eternal. But existence in the reality where I shape the infinite dimensions with a force of my essence is entertaining and rich of infinite experiences. Now that I know a way I can always come back into nothingness. I can flip the switch and I stop to exist. So won't it be worth to enjoy the thrilling bliss of existence for a little bit more? To share it with the person that I feel deeply connected? I need to find my way back. I need to shape the multiple dimensions into MY reality, where I exist. I start to activate my senses. In order to have a grasp on the time I manage to put the music on. Some of Cher's songs. I've been to her concert the day before. I had strong emotions about that experience. Strong emotions help me to shape my essence into being.
And as music is playing the time starts coming back. Deep regular breaths. I need to remember to breathe regularly so I tie it to the rhythm of the music. I start to move slowly around the room listening to the sensations in my body. I breathe so I am. I hear so I am. I feel so I am. I fear so I am. There are so many different aspects of who I am, my existence is defined by so many of them. And I need to define all those aspects, to shape them in the reality of who I am. But for now I'm ok with just the few of them. Few of them that will let me go to sleep without fear of not waking up. I don't like fear. I need to make peace with fear. But how can you make peace with the fear of ending existence while you are sleeping.
So when it comes to me that existence is a choice, choice to pick one of the multi dimensions in which I will wake up no matter what, I feel in peace. Peace of the sensation that I choose to live. I choose to exist and how to exist. I'm coming back, slowly defining my reality. I will keep shaping it in the days to come, but for now it's enough for me that I choose to exist.
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