Citation: Ethan M. "The Melancholic Joy of Rebirth: An Experience with Mushrooms (exp114271)". Erowid.org. Apr 24, 2020. erowid.org/exp/114271
5.5 grams, Penis Envy Cubensis
Trip starts coming on, manifesting itself as a slight euphoria in my chest and bodily heaviness, with 15 minutes. I eat mushrooms slowly, taking a few minutes between each mouthful, to avoid puking. The taste makes me feel sick if I eat them all at once. That said, the feeling described has started before I have even finished consuming the mushrooms. As I'm eating them, I am listening to terence mckenna. It is his lecture about the time he ate 9 grams, and a goddess dressed like a stripper stands over him and says "is it strong enough for you, asshole?"
After 30 minutes or so I turn off the lecture. I sit in bed on my back with my head propped up for a while, being as still as possible. I find that this eliminates the come-up nausea almost completely in my experiences with the mushroom.
CEV visuals are getting stronger, no open eyed visuals yet. No interesting thoughts. In every profound mushroom trip I've had, it usually goes like this: come up is accompanied with a completely quiet and thoughtless mind, and as the effects grow I become more unsure if anything interesting will come about. And as soon as I stop caring or thinking about it because I'm too fucked up to worry of it, the learning begins. Nevertheless, I grew impatient with the mushroom. I asked the mushroom to speak to me, to teach me. Nothing. I begin to beg.
I grew impatient with the mushroom. I asked the mushroom to speak to me, to teach me. Nothing. I begin to beg.
Eventually, I get frustrated and say "Fine, don't talk to me. I see how it is. I don't need you anyway." I'm glad the mushroom was not angered by this. Foolish of me to disrespect it.
I go to the restroom. I feel like an alien, or an inter dimensional machine, clanking along my hallway, not yet used to the physics of this dimension. I can walk, but hardly, as it feels the matrix is violently vibrating through my body. As if a inter dimensional gong located within my chest has been struck with a mallet. I do my business, and I flush the toilet, and it startles me. It is Extremely loud and the duration of the flushing mechanism is prolonged. I carefully observe the toilet to make sure the bastard doesn't try anything funny. I stand in a defensive pose. Time dilation, I suppose. I kind of chuckle at this. And then I laugh, at the hilarity of what had just occurred, and when I laugh I see my self in third person laughing and my eyes begin to multiply into cartoony geometrical swirling green things, reminding me of the fish astrology sign. My head expands into fractals to make as if I was a cartoon machine entity of sorts, although I still easily resemble myself. My laughing stopped cold. I walk out the restroom with an amused but concerned nervous smile. "It hasn't been very long," I think. "Oh boy..."
I lay under my blanket, hitting a disposable vape, until it makes me gag violently. Nicotine feels great on psychedelics. I never feel the typical gross nicotine buzz, but more of a speedy type of stimulation. With the absence of the grossness of a heavy nicotine buzz, I tend to hit it until it finally makes me feel like I might puke. This violent gagging hurts my rib cage, so I put it down. My head space, finally, is starting to get profound, but nothing crazy or especially interesting. I'm getting those geometrical tentacle-mass like CEVs I always get. They always seem so alive, they feel alive. I never feel as if I am by myself when I have these visuals. I feel like I'm being observed, but not in a menacing way. It doesn't look like a figure or anything like that, but the way it moves is so natural. I always see it as an entity. I feel my thoughts are accelerated, I'm thinking about the god thing that seems to work through profound trips. But no lessons have manifested as of yet. Suddenly, I feel like fluids are about to burst out my asshole. I stumble to the restroom. I sit there, regretting all the taco bell I ate earlier that day. Thankfully I end up distracted by thoughts of god, and how it has moved through some of my trips, especially my first mushroom trip. After 5-10 minutes I head back to my room, once again, freaked out by the toilet.
I lay in bed, looking into the kitchen (my door is open). I see some post it notes clipped to a string that is hanging across the pantry door, and the way they flow up and down like they sit on flowing water somehow leads to the feeling like I am a native american, headed to speak to the ancestors. I have a flashback of a time when I was little, and the vibe of it was very psychedelic. I realize that these energies have always been with me, waiting for me to meet them. I didn't see it at the time, of course, until I tripped. But they, were always there. Working through everything around me, the good and the bad, arranging my life in a way that would eventually lead me to them. (Psychedelics) This called for much negativity in my life. It has been rough. But I wouldn't change any of my past difficulties.
I lay, with a blanket over my head, listening to "My Name is Human", by highly suspect. It's very intense, a rock song, but very fitting for a trip.
"Get up off your knees, boy
Stand face to face with your God
And find out what you want
(Hello, my name is human)
Hello, my name is human
And I came down from the stars
(Hello, my name is human)
Fire world, I love you
I'm up off my knees, girl
I'm face to face with myself
And I know who I am
(Hello, my name is human)
I stole my power from the sun
I'm more than just a man
(No longer disillusioned)"
I think of a time my mother, who I love, but has many personal issues I don't think she sees as a problem, and in turn has hurt me with her words on many occasions. Now that's not to say I've never done anything wrong, or I've never been responsible for our issues. As a christian, she is not on board with my use of psychedelics nor really anything else that I believe in or find important. Anyway I think of a time she told me a story a while back of when she did shrooms. She said it felt demonic, and she cried the whole time. She did them at a party with my dad and his friends, which were not good people, my dad included. When she found out about me using psychs, she freaked out, called me things, threatened to end our shell of relationship, and threw away all of my healing crystals I had been collecting because she said that I "worship them". I brought up all the studies and accounts of them being positive. And her response was "yeah, in a medical setting only. They don't do them just to hallucinate. Plus, when I did mushrooms, it felt evil. Not spiritual." In remembering this, I felt like the mushrooms had told me a joke, and the punchline was, "We didn't like her, we didn't want her in our home. So we made sure she never came back." The tone in which they told me this was sort of humorous and demented, and I thought it was probably the funniest thing the mushrooms have ever told me. I've had funny realizations on mushrooms, from my own thoughts. But this was particularly special as it came in the voice of the mushroom's spirit.
It hits me. Tears start pouring out my eyes. I'm so so grateful to be alive. I'm so lucky. I have everything I could ever need, or want, even if I had nothing. I lay there, looking at the ceiling, smile on my face, bawling. Just writing this makes me tear up a little bit, it was that powerful. I cry my eyes out for probably 30 minutes in pure joy, because I realize just how precious life is and how glad I am to have it. I think of my bestfriend, and I see just how lucky I am to have him. He's like my brother. And for the first 16 years of my life I had never related to someone or been as close with them as him. It's a rare thing. I even think about my mom, and the rest of my family. All of the hurt washes away, and I feel nothing but love for them.
I even think about my mom, and the rest of my family. All of the hurt washes away, and I feel nothing but love for them.
Once this is over, it hits me again, but different. I feel it coming, and I'm excited for the next lesson, but I know it is going to hurt. A lot. But that's okay. I'm grateful for it even through the heartbreak that went with it: We don't appreciate life. Its so precious, and it only lasts so long. And we don't give a fuck. We could care less. This is the saddest thing I have ever heard in my life. I begin to cry again, even harder than before. Throughout it, I express my gratitude for this lesson. It's so beautiful. Finally, it is over, and I get it. I understand it. I see what its about, and its so simple. So fucking simple. I feel stupid, and selfish, for not appreciating it before. I try to send my friend a snap of me telling him about what just happened and how much I love him, no homo, but I realize that making sense and coherency just aren't feasible right now. The snap video consists of me saying "It's so sad. *giggle at myself* We don't care *giggle at myself* *eyes roll back in head* Anyways... Bye *embarrassed giggle*
I feel like I get it, and I couldn't ask for anything more, and I decide to just relax and enjoy the happiness and the rest of my trip, and I realise, I don't deserve to live. None of us do. We don't appreciate the best thing we have, therefore, we don't deserve it. I'm like, fuck, I felt great come back. I beg the mushrooms to let me feel happy again. They guide to think of all the things I can do to never take life or the people I love for granted again. This makes me happy again.
I consider breaking my TV and my phone, as they tend to keep me from my spiritual pursuits at times. I decide not to. I think of how the first thing I'm going to do is hug my little sister, she's about 8. She's very high energy, and I tend to easily end up very annoyed at her, even though she's just doing her thing, being happy. Not very woke of me, I'd say. I realize that this is simply because as of late, even though I didn't realize it, I have been unsatisfied, moody, depressed, even? But I wasn't facing that, so I didn't really see it until now. There's nothing wrong with her being high energy, nothing wrong with her singing at the top of her lungs when I'm trying to sleep in. Nothing wrong with her mentally insane sounding laugh. She's a kid, experiencing care free joy. I should be happy for her. I was merely reflecting my own unhappiness on someone who is obviously way happier than I was. I think of my older younger sister, she's 13. We don't talk. It's weird. So weird. She always seems pissed off at me. But I think about how easy it is to be annoyed at someone you don't have even a piece of relationship with. I think of how I can fix this. I develop a plan to lay on her bed, kick my feet up, and refuse to leave, until we end up having a good conversation. I think of a few other things I want to do to get the most out of life, but there are still many things I'm remembering from my trip.
I lay in bed for a while, and I'm hit with a blank spot. I get these on high doses of mushrooms. Eventually I come out and realize I have no memory of the past 15-30 minutes, but I know that my eyes have been open. I have a hunch I was in some strange auto pilot mode thought loop. I feel completely scrambled. I think of an egg, my brain, being cracked, and scrambled in a skillet. I cant think of anything straight, I feel mentally handicapped almost. You know that spy kids movie with the dude who turns prisoners into weird babbling monsters for his kids show? That's what my thoughts sounded like. No words. Just "nenguebrbclabskfzjcuesjcifne". This passes eventually, and I recover my train of thought. I start to remember things for my 8 tab acid trip. I start to see all of the insane shit that went on, all the alternate realities and god like places I went, and I realize that stuff is all real, so very real, but something is keeping us from going there at will. I write down in my notes, "we are all slaves, being tricked by something, held captive, hoodwinked" I think about the first part of my trip, trying to figure out how it can go from that to, we are held captive in these bodies and minds to keep us from being a part of the matrix. I'm very confused, but not upset. I'm still doing good and I'm interested in it all. I also realize exactly what life is. Its this eternal vibration of memories in different dimensions and every dimension and memory is different with different laws and such, but none of it is exactly real. Its just the universe doing these things out of boredom, and then observing itself. I understand that not all realizations are real, and sometimes they are misunderstood. That said, I don't think we are being held captive here. I think we came here to learn.
Eventually I go to sleep, to wake up a couple hours later to a family member being EXTREMELY loud at 5 am. Everything looks fake, like a hologram, slick, sharp, futuristic, like a million dollar modern house. My tan walls are now pink with black horizontal lines through them. It looks like I could stick my hand through it, it looks fake. I get this on mushrooms often, where I feel as though either I'm above the laws of physics, or that physics simply aren't real. It's very pretty, but I don't see movement or visual disturbances. In my minds eye, I perfectly picture gigantic cubensis mushrooms over taking our home, growing from pins to several feet tall in seconds. I see them everywhere, in every room in the house. I'm still in my bed, and I go back to sleep.
The most important think I learned was to never take life for granted.
The most important think I learned was to never take life for granted.
It can be taken from you at any second, and if there's any connection to psychedelics and the afterlife, I'd say the universe doesn't really appreciate people who don't see the value in life, from my experience. I'm glad they were as gentle with me as they were, and as loving. Because I definitely did not think I deserved that. Life is so precious, and I don't know who needs to hear this, but never take what you have for granted. One day you might miss it. We are so lucky to have this, and we give act like we couldn't care less. Never underestimate your importance and the importance and beauty of life, guys. I'm sure a lot of you have had this lesson, but I had to share. Maybe it can help someone who hasn't had it. Who knows.
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